INSIGHT: Embracing Vulnerabilities With IFS

In this episode,

We're focusing on embracing our vulnerability and acknowledging the parts of us that feel wounded.

So,

Let's get started.

Embracing vulnerability can be a deeply powerful and healing process.

When we acknowledge the parts of us that feel vulnerable or hurt,

We open the door to profound self-compassion and understanding.

Vulnerable parts,

And you may have heard them called exiles or inner child parts,

Often hold important stories and emotions that need to be heard and validated.

As Brene Brown,

A leading teacher on shame and vulnerability,

Often says,

Vulnerability is not winning or losing.

It's having the courage to show up and be seen.

When we have no control over the outcome.

So,

Let's start with a few moments of reflection before I jump into some content.

Take some time to check in and notice and just be for a little bit.

Start by checking in with your internal world.

Take a moment to reflect on the parts of you that feel vulnerable or wounded.

These parts might be parts that carry past hurts,

Fears,

Or insecurities.

Allow yourself to identify and acknowledge these parts without judgment.

And check in and see where you're noticing them in or around your body.

Just see if you can send them just a bit of compassion or curiosity.

It's crucial that as you do this,

Be aware of the parts that may be responding to us,

Even acknowledging these younger,

More vulnerable parts,

Too.

Let them know that we honor them and that we need their attention to move forward.

See if they could soften back and give us some space.

If they're not ready,

Skip the rest of this short video.

If they're not ready,

Skip the rest of this check-in and remind them that we're not going deep,

We're only going to be a minute or two more.

But if that still doesn't help and they're not ready to soften back,

Just be with these parts that are responding to the vulnerable ones.

But if you can,

And if you get permission,

Shift your focus to the more vulnerable parts.

Let them know that you're here,

They're not alone.

Things are different now.

There's hope.

There's an inner team.

They don't have to be stuck in the past.

But today,

We just want to notice them and see how they respond.

And now as you continue to check in,

Consider how the dynamic between these vulnerable parts and those that react to them influence your behavior and interactions both internally and externally.

And remind those vulnerable parts and those that are responding to them that they're not alone.

And for those protective parts,

You know their intentions are good and that they've been doing the best that they can for a long time.

There may be a better way so they don't have to work so hard.

And ask them what they need from you,

How can you offer them that?

So they don't have to work so hard.

And ask them what they need from you,

How can you offer them comfort and understanding?

What support or reassurance do the protective parts and the younger vulnerable parts need?

Sometimes simply acknowledging their pain is a significant first step.

And we will begin to wrap up our time of reflection,

But I'm going to read another Brené Brown quote.

And she says,

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.

Let your parts know by naming and acknowledging these vulnerable parts and the parts that react to them.

We take away some of the power that the fear of being vulnerable has over us and our parts.

And before we come back and I give a little more content,

Reflect on how this dynamic between the younger,

More vulnerable parts and those that protect them impacts your actions and relationships.

Do these parts cause you to withdraw,

Act defensively,

Or seek reassurance from others?

Understanding their influence can help you respond more mindfully in the future.

So thank all of your parts,

Those that were reacting and those that tend to be pushed down and may have been a while since you've seen them.

Thank all of those parts for their courage,

For as much or as little as they shared.

Let these parts know that you'd like to spend more time with them if they'd like that.

Maybe let them know when.

And particularly those younger vulnerable parts,

Let them know that they're not alone.

You're not going to forget about them.

And go back and check in with them once or twice this week.

When it feels complete,

Come back to the present moment.

And we'll look at just a bit more content.

In IFS,

We approach these wounded parts with compassion and curiosity,

As we do with all our parts.

And acknowledge those that may be working hard to protect them and remind them of who we are.

That they're part of an inner team and that they're not alone.

So let's explore some practical steps to embrace vulnerability and offer support to our wounded parts.

And you've heard me say some of this in past episodes,

But it applies now.

And it's a good reminder.

And that first is just that mindful awareness.

Start by noticing when you feel vulnerable or hurt.

Pay attention to the physical sensations,

The flood of shame,

And those thoughts and emotions that arise.

This awareness is the first step to acknowledging your vulnerable parts.

And then two,

Create a safe space.

Imagine creating a safe and nurturing space within your mind where these parts can express themselves freely.

This can be a comforting place where you feel seen.

And heard.

And three,

Offer compassion.

Can't offer enough compassion and even a drop will open things up and build trust.

And so show compassion toward these parts and the parts that react to the vulnerable ones and have fears of us going there.

They're working to keep us safe.

You may say something like,

I see you and I understand that you're hurting.

Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you're here to support them.

Then ask questions and engage in a compassionate dialogue with the parts.

Ask them what they need to feel safe and supported.

Listen to their responses with an open heart and without judgment.

And be aware of those parts that may not be ready to do that,

Too.

And see if they can soften back and be sensible.

And see if they can soften back and you spend some time with them because they play into this dynamic.

And then five,

Provide reassurance.

Reassure these parts that you as the self are here to take care of them.

Offer words of comfort and understanding.

Let them know that it's okay to feel vulnerable and that you are committed to their well-being.

So let me just share a personal story to illustrate the power of embracing vulnerability.

As those of you know,

On my journey,

I'm an IFS practitioner.

And so week after week,

I see individual clients and facilitate group session meetings.

And I struggle with feeling capable.

And I mentioned some of this in an episode a couple weeks back.

But there are parts of me that tell me I'm inadequate.

And that I should be filled with shame,

Especially in my role as a coach or a father.

And I remember early on in my practice,

And it still happens today.

And you practitioners will understand,

But we come out of a full day of seeing clients.

And there are parts that are saying,

Oh,

I could have handled that better.

Or I could have responded differently in that situation.

Or sometimes there are just parts that are like,

Wow,

You weren't on your game today.

And we can fill that criticism and those parts that can be harsh and relentless.

Echoing those past fears of me not being good enough.

And rightly so when I was 12 or 13 or younger.

But things are different now.

And through my own IFS work,

I've learned to approach these relentless parts that can criticize me after a long day of work with curiosity and compassion.

And I can ask these parts why it felt so strongly.

And it can reveal the deep-rooted fear that often gets back to failure.

And the shame associated with it that is a younger Tim.

That these 12-year-olds are trying to protect my 7-year-old self.

And I'm an adult today.

I'm capable.

These parts play a role,

But things are different now.

And these parts have been protecting you and me from the pain of perceived inadequacy for years.

And by acknowledging and validating these parts and the pain that they carry,

We can begin to offer reassurance that it needs.

And let it know it's not alone in these younger parts and that we're different people.

But it makes sense.

They may not trust us,

But what can we do so they can give us just a chance?

And they'll be surprised.

And they'll trust us more.

And so create that mental space between your parts so that they can express their fears,

Concerns,

And insecurities without judgment.

And over time,

Even these relentless,

Self-critical parts will soften.

And I know from experience,

I've been able to approach my work as an IFS practitioner with more confidence and self-compassion.

And my clients see that.

And I'm better within,

And the world is better outside.

And I know my story is not a standalone,

And hopefully it's a testament to the power of embracing vulnerability.

We're all human beings.

We're all in this together.

And one more Brene Brown quote before I wrap up.

And she says,

Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation,

Creativity,

And change.

And I'm so grateful that I've reached this point so that I can offer this creativity with the world.

And I don't have to be ashamed.

And so be encouraged that by offering support and reassurance to our wounded parts,

We can build a more compassionate and resilient internal system and a better world.

So what can you take away from this episode?

And I encourage you to just do one thing this week.

And I'll try to do it two.

And so here are some additional strategies and reflections that may be helpful.

First,

Journaling.

And in your journal,

If you do that,

It may be helpful to keep a vulnerability journal for a week or a couple weeks.

And whenever you feel vulnerable or wounded,

Write down what happened.

Write down what happened,

How you felt,

What thoughts came up.

And over time,

This can help you identify patterns and understand your vulnerable parts,

Just like you may be able to do with some of your other parts.

Number two,

Visualization.

Practice visualizing a compassionate response to your vulnerable parts.

Imagine a scenario where you feel vulnerable,

But respond from a place of calm and compassion.

And just like we have done,

I believe,

With our inner critics before.

And this mental rehearsal can prepare you for real-life situations.

Grounding techniques.

Using grounding techniques when you feel vulnerable.

This could be as simple as focusing on your breath,

Feeling your feet on the ground,

Or holding a comforting object.

But grounding helps to bring you back to the present moment and reduces the intensity of your emotional reaction.

Number four,

Some affirmations that may be helpful regarding vulnerability and that journey to self-awareness and compassion.

You could say things like,

For example,

I'm worthy of love and acceptance.

Or I approach my vulnerabilities with curiosity and kindness.

And then finally,

A support system.

Lean on your support system.

Share your experiences with trusted friends,

Family,

Or a therapist or practitioner or coach.

And talking about your vulnerabilities can provide new insights and reduce feelings of isolation.

And it may help to spend time reflecting on the work that you're doing and spend time reflecting on the origins of your vulnerabilities.

There may be past experiences or relationships that have contributed to the strong reactions.

So be aware of that and understanding the root can provide context and facilitate healing.

And then don't forget to celebrate progress,

Even if it's small.

Celebrate.

Healing is a journey and each step forward is significant.

And so recognize your efforts.

Be gentle with yourself when you have setbacks.