Merging In Relationships

Hi everybody and welcome to Two Eyes Women Talking.

My name is Shira Khan.

Hi everyone,

This is Diana Zahir.

I'm so happy to be here with you and with Shira.

We've been together for 30 years as friends and students and teachers.

We're so excited to talk about the mystery and the path and this present moment.

So let's get started.

Today is a very special day for me because Shira and I are going to begin some deep teaching about merging.

I want to take this time and invite all of us to truly arrive for this incredible opportunity.

Merging is a word that a lot of us have some understanding of,

But we are inviting you into a journey that could truly change your life and help you understand what's going on in the moments when your life doesn't work.

So let's bring all of our good intentions and our courage and our readiness into this moment together with the breath and the body and an openness to learn.

And I like to bring our attention to our head centers for a moment and let our heads soften and relax.

Appreciating the brilliancy that's contained in our heads,

In our minds,

In our brains.

All this incredible capacity we have to learn new things and let our lives be changed.

And I'd like to bring our attention into our hearts,

Into our chest,

Into our back,

To feel the vastness and the mystery of this incredible part of our bodies where warmth can flow,

Where there can be compassion for ourselves and all beings,

Where we feel this availability to become our highest self,

Our truest self and include every part of us that's ever been on the planet,

Our innocence and our humility,

Our sincerity,

All those parts that had to go underground to survive,

Inviting them to be here right now.

And I want to bring our attention to our bellies,

To our solar plexus,

To our pelvis,

To feel that capacity to exist and take up space,

The courage and the confidence to be together and to learn in such a safe way,

In such a gentle way,

But to allow change to happen,

Especially change that is so radical that we can appreciate the love of history,

But let go of the distortions of history,

Whether it's simply the history of our family or a society or the bigger history of the human condition and our ancestors and survival,

That this part of the body can anchor and ground and be here right now in this moment with all of us together.

So let's take a couple more gentle breaths and begin our conversation today.

Shira,

This feels like one of the most important moments of our podcast for me.

And in some ways,

All the previous episodes have brought us to this place because everyone has moments where they don't get along with their partner.

And we don't really understand why unless we understand about merging.

Exactly.

And I feel the sacredness of this teaching.

I feel the compassion for all of us for how hard we try to give it another chance.

And there's so much earnestness in people to have a different outcome.

But unless we learn this,

Unless we have tools that help us navigate this territory more successfully,

We are going to keep doing the same thing over and over again with our partner.

Yep.

Yeah.

So I want to invite everyone to have some hope with us that this episode and probably the next few after are going to contain really important breakthrough possibilities of what I'm doing with myself and how I don't even realize how I go away from myself and I stopped being myself because there's so much history involved in my unconscious actions with my partner.

To build on your comment about what I'm doing with myself and how important that is.

So we don't realize it,

But whatever we are doing with ourselves really affects the relationship.

And that's what we're going to be teaching about today.

When we're in the heat of the moment,

We are often very focused on what the partner is doing or we're focused on the relationship itself.

But to know what's going on inside and have agency over that is actually the key to resolving the moment.

So I'm glad you said that.

I actually think it's the most important thing we can focus on.

Because there is this other person and they're so important to us,

But focusing on what's happening between us relationally is the historical conditioning.

And of course we want to learn how to do that well and successfully and resolve conflict or disagreements quickly.

But it's the opposite of what we think.

My ability to stay with myself and listen to myself and take care of reactions or critical voice or whatever's going on in here actually empowers me more than I could imagine.

And it gives a chance for us to have a really powerful connection and closeness.

It's so funny how this is all jumbled in our minds.

I want to make one distinction about the merging.

Because I'm not saying it's bad to merge or we shouldn't want to be close to people.

This is a relational planet and it's part of the joy of having a human life is to be close to the people we love.

But what we're talking about with this teaching is that we have a choice and we can learn to recognize my choice to be close or to have a moment with myself.

So it's not a default.

It's not automatic.

It's not unconscious of,

I've got to get you to stop behaving that way so I'll feel okay.

That's the roundabout,

Backdoor historical training from our families and from humanity.

What we're learning is,

Oh,

I don't feel so good right now.

I think I got too close to this.

I have to back up.

I have to move my little spaceship back to my side of the street and care for what's going on in here so I'm actually able to have a successful communication interaction with you.

Exactly.

So there's something that happens when we're taken out of ourselves and into the fight or into focusing on the partner's behavior,

Which is that a vulnerable part of ourselves,

An emotional part of ourselves is already feeling abandoned by the partner or perhaps overwhelmed by the partner and invaded by the partner.

When we go outside of ourselves to focus further on the partner or the thing that happened,

We're actually going away even further from the part that feels abandoned to begin with.

So what we're talking about today and what you're suggesting is for someone to go in and care for that inner call at the inner child or that vulnerable part so that that part has someone and then it's from that place of that part not feeling 100% abandoned,

Then it's a lot easier to communicate and see what's going on.

Yeah.

I feel so much compassion for all of our vulnerable parts.

This is history reliving itself over and over again and we just haven't been educated to understand that.

Whether my history is that people pushed too hard at me,

I felt pressured by them or they pulled away or often it's both.

It's very confusing for children.

Is my parent here now?

Is my parent going to go away?

So all of this historical material is getting unearthed with someone because of love.

It gives us the courage to heal these very deep layers and we're going to play with so many different tools of,

Okay,

How do I come back or how do I come back?

How can I take care of this very innocent and unsure historical part that's so young?

But I guess the part I want to make sure we get to underline and underscore and bold typeface,

History is this force.

It is this potent,

Powerful,

Default magnet that keeps pulling us into its own territory.

And it's not trying to cause trouble.

It's our survival instinct.

If you've had any experience with your own hormones,

Which we've all had as men and women growing up or pregnancy hormones,

It's just a phenomenal force.

And history is like that on steroids.

So I think this gives us compassion for why do we keep ending up in the same place with our partner?

Or if I get into a new relationship,

Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of dynamic with another person because of history?

Because history has shaped us,

It has created this little container.

And there's a belief that if I stay in that container,

I'll be okay.

Yes.

And there's also belief that I will get what I need if I keep trying.

And there's a feeling when it's happening of,

This is the only way I can do it.

So I need for this to happen.

The impetus to connect is hardwired in the human being.

And if we feel disconnected from our loved ones,

Actually neurochemicals get emitted to make us reattach.

It's very uncomfortable physically to be disconnected.

So we really want to do whatever we can to get connected as quickly as possible.

So it feels urgent.

If we learn how to be with ourselves and how to.

.

.

The positive side of a fight is a corrective emotional experience.

That underneath there's a part of us that's wanting to get healed and wanting to get something that the person didn't get in childhood.

So if we learn how to navigate the fight differently,

We can actually have an experience that we need in order to feel happier and more safe in life.

So that's what the Merging Teaching is part of.

We want to share what we've learned about how to navigate differently in relationships so that the relationship becomes a healing relationship.

Yeah.

A new outcome,

A new opportunity.

Right.

Can I add one thing there?

Yeah,

Sure.

I like this idea because I hear brilliant,

Intelligent,

Mature people say this often that we're just going to give this another try.

There's some kind of magical thinking from that innocence or that vulnerability that if I'm just loving enough or if I'm loving in the right way,

We're going to have a different outcome.

And we can remember moments like that as children,

If something's going on in the family and we're just kind of pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps and being the best kid we can be to help the family correct itself.

So it's this young vision of love will make it all better.

And there's something true in that,

That love is this incredible healing force.

It's the fabric of the universe and grace comes into our lives as love.

But I think this particular teaching is saying we are looking at love and we're looking at capacity.

There's this adult understanding that not only can I grow my own capacity and that gives light years of possibility for change and my ability to relate,

But I'm also trying to understand the capacity of the environment right now.

If my partner's tired,

If my partner's cranky,

If there's some kind of crisis we're going through,

That's registering in my adult mind in this new way that there's not so much capacity in this moment in me or in them or both.

So if I don't have my optimum capacity,

I can come to my side of the street and work with that.

And if something's going on in the environment where the capacity is very limited,

I'm informed by that.

I can go somewhere else to get resourced.

I can wait for that window moment where there's much more of a likelihood we're going to connect.

So capacity is such an important word.

Yeah.

I actually feel sad in my heart right now just thinking of my clients and me and also what you've told me about what it was like for you growing up that kids feel a lot of times so scared and so alone.

And then in adulthood,

When you are in a love relationship,

That because you love so deeply and the person touches you so deeply,

Those parts come out.

And in a way,

You're starting from where you left off with your partner.

Whichever part didn't get what it needed in order to become an adult inside is going to come out with your partner.

And we will do anything to connect,

Even if it means giving up on ourselves.

If that's the way that we learned to have connection was to give up whatever we were feeling to give up our needs,

To bend our will to the people around us.

If somebody we were relating to was the kind of person who took up all the space,

Then that will come up in a love relationship.

And the thing is,

Though,

That it doesn't work to keep pushing from that same place and to keep pushing your partner like you were saying based on your history,

Because then you're actually not in a relationship with the present moment.

You're not in a relationship with yourself,

And you're not really in relationship with who your partner is and what's happening.

You're more in relationship with whatever is trying to get worked out from the past.

And again,

Mad compassion for what's going on here.

But what we want to do today is to add in another ingredient,

Another choice of where to get your love in that moment so that you can have a different outcome.

Yeah,

It's a lot to feel.

It is very tender when we sit with this and say,

Wow,

This is a lot that can happen in a relationship and it feels very heavy.

But I think we could also look at it from another vantage point that this is great news too,

Because it means these parts that thought they were orphaned or in the dungeon forever,

They actually are going to be invited into our life now because of love.

And we can learn to optimize this.

We can learn to grow these parts up.

We can learn to help them feel more included.

I like to use these silly images like they get to have some sunlight on their face for the first time or some gentle raindrops of warmth and care.

They're not used to this.

And so they've acted out a lot or they've hidden and they may act out in familiar ways in relationship.

So we're trying to be realistic here and see what we've got.

It's like the bad news bears movie when we were growing up a very long time ago that they don't have to be well behaved or even know how to do this.

They just need to show up so we can start working with them and include them.

That's it.

I think of when I'm hearing you say those words,

I'm thinking of a thing to say when this part that shows up that is really mad at the partner and wants the partner to be different to say,

Hi,

I've missed you.

I'm so glad to see you.

I know you're here because you want to be healed and I would really like to help you with that.

So let me get to know what you're upset about and let me welcome you into my heart.

And then together we'll see whatever we need to say to the partner.

Exactly.

We get to have private moments with these parts and we're bringing our compassion.

We're bringing our curiosity.

We're bringing that warmth and that inclusiveness.

Who are you right now?

I want to get to know you.

So this starts,

And it doesn't have to happen overnight of course,

But it starts to feel like an abundance model because there's warmth with my partner enough of the time.

This warmth can start to trickle in into my history.

And then when these parts show up,

I can have warmth with them.

And it's great if our partner has the capacity to also be nurturing or see these things about us.

And we'll talk more about this,

I think in future episodes.

That's a beautiful thing.

And we can have all of this warmth in our lives and in our home,

But really the cutting edge here,

The transformative edge is that I learned to do this with me.

I learned to do this with my parts.

This brings us into so much of a new experience of being able to individuate and to truly parent the self and to parent the parts.

And beautiful there's love outside,

But we also want to have this warmth inside between me and my parts because then I know no matter what's going on outside of me with a person or a situation,

I'm okay.

I've got me.

Love has me.

Capacity has me.

This is really what awakening feels like.

The warm sun,

The inner mother,

The inner father.

So you've been one of the main people in my life to convince me that individuating was a good deal and would feel good.

When I first was presented with the idea of individuating,

I actually thought it was a good idea and I wanted to,

But the inner child part of me saw it as,

Okay,

Now you want me to skip to being an adult.

You want me to skip over.

You want me to go without what I didn't get and what I needed.

So I'm sorry,

I don't like that.

I can't really do that.

I'm going to stay and.

.

.

Not buying it.

I'm not buying it and I'm going to do what I need to do in these less mature ways till.

.

.

And then do it the normal way.

Other people get what they need and then they get to be adult.

I don't get to do that.

I can't do that.

In case that's happening for anybody,

I wanted to bring.

.

.

Just to be sympathetic to that and to say that we're not actually.

.

.

The thing I thought that it was a skipping over,

It's not a skipping over.

It's actually an attending to.

Let's give that child what it needs.

If you need it from others at the moment,

You have teachers who can help you and 12 step sponsors and friends who can help you,

That part probably does need to be in relationship in order to feel loved and to be able to grow up.

But if you're at the point where you can also start to integrate in loving yourself and calling on the adult part of you that's already developed to welcome that part in,

Then as you were saying,

You'll have always with you a source of love.

I think we talked about this in episode six and sure it'd be great if this wasn't true,

But it's true for a lot of us that when this part is so hungry or it hasn't had enough merging or enough attunement or enough warmth,

Forget all of this nonsense.

I'm just going to merge.

I'm going to go for it.

All my parts,

They haven't had enough.

I'll fight and I'll merge.

I'm just doing it.

I'm not ready yet.

All power to that part of us.

I think we have to trust that we're just going to be messy and kind of wild and ride the waves of that ripping and reuniting.

We might need to do that until we're ready to stop doing that.

I appreciate you saying that at this point,

Because what I sense you're doing is making space and making a holding environment for that part just as it is.

That's the beginning of loving that part.

We have to be able to see it.

I think about all the times that I acted out those beliefs.

I wouldn't have even known they existed unless they got to operate a bit so I could see them.

We really have to get to know these parts of ourselves.

How will I get to know them if they're buried underground and they're too afraid to open their mouths or take a step?

It's just like this quiet huddle of carefulness.

That's right.

There is a learning curve that needs to happen.

At the beginning of the curve,

It can be messy.

We're not saying,

Go ahead and act out.

We're not saying,

Go ahead and go crazy.

We're saying,

See what's there.

Give it space.

Of course,

There are basic fundamentals about treat others as you wish to be treated.

Be kind,

Of course,

But to make space for what's inside,

These parts that didn't get what they needed.

I mean,

They're suffering.

Well,

This is mindfulness.

It's real life nitty gritty mindfulness.

Yes,

To have people to sit with who can hold this with us and help us understand and give new options.

But the mindfulness is to see,

Well,

Here's what I do when my partner does this.

Here's what I do.

Not,

Here's what I wish I would do,

But here's what I actually do.

Here's what I did when I was younger and people did that.

This is our material.

This is our science lab and we can judge it,

But the truth is it's innocent.

It's operating with old inherited energy and patterns from the people before us.

It's just operating the best it can with so little education.

The part of growing is to see,

Well,

Let's take a look.

If there's nothing bad here,

Let's just look,

Let's see what's here.

So it again can have the sunlight on its face.

It can hear this gentle teacher saying,

Oh,

Okay,

How about this?

So a couple of things about that.

I wanted to underscore what you said.

There's nothing bad happening here.

We're going to find out what aspect of your history is activated.

What feelings are you having?

What do you need?

We're not coming in and saying you're bad.

The other thing that I just want to put in,

So if this is step one,

There's a step 0.

5.

There's a step before that,

Which is we will just start blaming our partner.

We'll just start finding fault with the partner.

When we stay on that level of finding fault with the partner,

That's where we get stuck.

That's where the fights happen.

So to first realize,

Okay,

That's the first thing I do.

Blame my partner.

It's like the temple bell.

If I'm blaming my partner right now,

There's probably something juicy there for me with myself.

That's about right.

That's about me.

And that's about my.

.

.

But I don't usually go there.

I just kind of go into the dogfight.

But if I notice I'm about to go in the dogfight or maybe I'm in the dogfight,

Hang on.

I think there's this little temple bell.

There might be something there for me with me.

How can I do a little more slow motion,

Unwind this automatic behavior with them or this automatic programming from my life?

Yeah.

I want to.

.

.

I'm just reminded of something.

We were on retreat one time and we were supposed to do a photograph with Hamid.

You,

Me,

Julie,

And somebody else.

And Julie was off talking and Hamid wasn't going to wait around forever.

We really wanted a photograph with him.

So I started going,

Julie,

Julie,

Julie.

I was totally yelling.

And you go,

She's not going to come if you yell at her.

And you know what?

That was one of the first times somebody told me that.

And years later,

When I joined the Al-Anon program and I had remembered that you learned a lesson about basically taking responsibility for yourself.

You learned that at an early age.

So that's what this is.

In my family,

They yelled so much.

They really didn't ever choose a different alternative.

So I believed that if I had an agitated feeling in my body,

It somehow gave me the right to yell.

And I also believed that that was the way that it was going to get resolved.

But the point of what I'm saying is that actually doesn't work.

The thing we want the most is the least likely to happen if we're in fight mode.

It's really sad.

So to cease and desist,

To attend to the really upset part,

Give it space.

We're not saying press it down.

We're saying give it what it needs.

So to be able to do that first,

We're actually much more likely to get our needs back.

Yeah.

I'm having this idea that when you were giving those examples,

I have some owls in my forest right now,

These incredible owls in a tree.

And I think one of them is getting ready to have little babies soon.

They're building a nest.

I was thinking that example of taking the yelling or taking the behavior of mom or taking the behavior of dad,

We're building a nest with the twigs and the materials that are in our environment when we're growing up.

We don't know there's other cool things you can use to build your nest.

You're just taking what's in the immediate environment.

So mom yells and dad does this and the other person does that.

I've got to build a nest so I can live here.

So we're bringing out this possibility of,

Okay,

Let's see what your nest has in it.

That's okay.

We want to learn about it.

But now we're going to give you all these new cool materials you can use to build your nest and then see how they feel.

Maybe it's more comfortable.

Maybe it works better.

I love this metaphor.

Like pieces of velvet with beautiful colors.

Birds love that.

Or soft feathers.

And birds also like gems.

We will get some gems and put them in the nest.

All those things that are inside of us,

Those true parts of our nature,

They're all in there,

But we didn't know we could build our nest with them.

We just used what we had.

And that's okay because that's what we did.

So I'm excited for us to learn more about merging and individuation.

Is there anything else you want to share before we finish today?

No,

I think this is a great place to finish.

Thank you to everyone who's listening and learning with us and making the world a better place.

Peace begins with us.

And I really appreciate everybody's courage.

This kind of learning is so courageous,

So I want you to appreciate the fact that you're even in this conversation with us today means you have remarkable courage.

That is true.

More to come on this topic and many others.

I'm so glad we got to do this today.

Yes,

And I want to thank all of the listeners for engaging with us and with this material.

Have a beautiful day and a beautiful night,

Everybody.

And be sure to enjoy your closeness with yourself and with everything you love.

Bye for now.

See you next time.