Understanding Your Parts: An IFS Talk

Good morning everybody.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to join today.

I am extremely excited about this.

This is something that I've been wanting to do for a very long time.

You know,

Some of you who kind of follow and have been on my live sessions previously have heard me speak about Sarah.

You might have listened to the Boundaries podcast,

Which we did a few months ago.

And the Boundaries podcast actually came on the back of wanting to do an Insight Timer live.

I couldn't figure out the tech,

Sarah could.

Now Sarah is leading,

So the tech is sorted.

So well done,

Sarah.

So look,

Without any further ado,

I wanted to just jump straight in and introduce a very near and dear and close friend of mine,

Sarah Kartika.

Sarah,

Do you want to just give a quick hello and a quick outline of who you are and what you do?

And then we'll jump in.

So the format today,

Guys,

Is,

Sorry,

Just to cut your Sarah's,

We're gonna have a few questions,

Take some questions from yourselves.

And then Sarah is going to lead us in a small short practice in and around internal family systems.

So,

And if this works,

We will do more of them.

Right,

Sarah,

Over to you.

Hello,

Everyone.

It's really good to see you all here.

I am a coach,

Basically doing parts work with internal family systems and inner child healing.

I came from more kind of like shadow work aspect,

But then I found internal family systems that actually was able to deepen the shadow work practice for me.

Because what I was really having a hard time sometimes doing shadow work was really accessing the real kind of self energy and working with parts that are resisting the shadow work in a way.

So internal family systems really kind of like started to do like had more nuance for me to understand how to work with certain resistances and certain parts that would want to lead the shadow work,

But we're actually not the self.

So that's what got me into it.

And I'm very passionate about it.

We talk a lot about it,

Right,

Toddy?

So,

Okay,

Cool.

Let's jump into it.

So internal family systems,

What is it?

Well,

Like I already mentioned,

It has to do with parts work.

So in internal family systems,

We actually acknowledge that our psyche has different parts slash our personality actually consists of different sub-personalities.

So we have different parts within us and they can express themselves in thoughts,

In beliefs,

In sensations in the body.

Sometimes they don't even have a voice.

You can see them also visually and they all are in relationship with each other.

And I think this is why it's called systemic,

Internal family systems,

Because it is systemic.

And we actually cultivate a relationship with the parts and we can also help the parts to be in good relationship with each other.

And I think this was also the part that for me was missing in shadow work.

Okay.

All right.

So just so I'm clear and just to give some clarity and guys,

Please feel free to stick some questions on the comments.

So inner child work,

Shadow work,

Are they the same?

Are they in the same brackets of IFS or what's the relationship between the two or the three?

So just to quickly mention that I use shadow work and inner child work because it's a more common term.

Okay.

That's what people understand better because internal family systems,

People look at me like,

What is that?

But when you talk about shadow work and inner child healing,

They can all kind of like get a little bit of a sense what it is because it's been more and more mainstream now.

And internal family systems is just a way to do it.

Shadow work,

You have stuff that you put in the shadow out of your awareness,

Which are parts of you,

Right,

That are out of your awareness,

And you bring them to light.

And in internal family systems,

We just do exactly the same.

We just have sometimes a little bit of a different approach in how we deal with certain parts.

And then the wounded inner child is basically what we call the exile.

It is the,

You know,

Where the core wound happened,

Or the belief system was created,

Or,

You know,

An intense emotion that we haven't processed yet,

That is just locked somewhere.

And we just kind of like have the other protectors.

And now I'm kind of probably going a little bit ahead.

But what I can say is that,

You know,

The relationship that actually happens is that we have the wounded inner child,

Which we call exile in internal family systems,

Because they are exiled out of our awareness,

Right,

Because the these emotions,

Or these thoughts and beliefs are really strong.

And then we have the protectors that really keep them in the exile,

Or push them in the exile so that we can function.

Okay.

Okay.

So the protectors,

The protectors are in their opinion,

Protecting us from those wounded elements,

Which give us pain.

Yes.

Their entire job is to keep us from that pain.

Okay.

And so how do we recognize which,

Bitterspeakingly,

If it's the exile,

If it's the exile,

If it's the protector,

There's also an element of self in there,

Isn't there?

There's also an element of the higher self,

I.

E.

,

You know,

What I typically call the adult self,

You know,

The you.

So how do you know which one is speaking up with that?

That's actually a very interesting question that you can ask yourself.

How do I feel towards this thought,

This emotion,

This part,

Whatever comes up?

So when you have a trigger,

Or you have a thought,

Or you know,

You have a behavior,

You can just ask yourself,

How do I feel towards it?

And the self,

The core energy,

Has curiosity,

Is compassionate,

Creative,

Courageous.

Courageous.

It's also connected with,

You know,

The parts that you have,

But it also feels connected to other people,

The universe,

Whatever you want to call it,

Right?

It is calm,

It has clarity and confidence.

So those are,

We actually kind of like have those eight C's that we,

You know,

Can use.

The eight C's,

Like the words that I just said,

The words,

They all start with a C.

And those are core elements of the aspect that we have.

And the self is,

You know,

Some call it in the spiritual world,

We call it the higher self,

Right?

Yeah.

It is really,

It cannot be broken,

Or it cannot be burdened by anything that happens outside.

This is our core essence that we have within us.

Okay.

And so is that the part that the protectors are trying to keep sacred?

Interesting question.

No,

I don't think so.

The self,

Like the parts are not aware that the self energy exists.

So you can see the self energy as like the sun,

Right?

And the protector parts are the clouds that are kind of like covering the sun.

The self is always there.

But the clouds are not aware.

However,

Once we step into our self energy,

And the parts within us sense the compassion that we bring towards them,

They sense the curiosity that we want to learn more about them,

That we want to help them,

That we want to kind of like,

That we validate them in their experience.

When they sense that they can relax,

Then they can start to trust you.

Okay.

And it's not that they want to keep us away,

They just don't know we exist.

They don't know that this essence exists.

And that's why they keep on doing their jobs,

Because they think they need to be in charge.

Okay.

So the process is,

And I think we've spoken about this before,

The process is about trust,

And establishing that relationship between each other.

Yes.

And really centering in love,

I guess.

Yes.

Actually,

There's this beautiful saying that you cultivate a secure relationship with all parts within yourself.

Say that again?

You.

.

.

What did I say?

You cultivate a secure relationship.

You cultivate,

Exactly,

That was the word.

You cultivate a secure relationship with all parts within yourself.

Ah!

So even the most,

Quote unquote,

Destructive part that we have has a good intention.

And the self recognizes that.

The self knows that.

And the self comes to that part that has this destructive behavior,

And just comes at it with curiosity and compassion.

It's like,

Oh,

I'm here,

I see that.

And the very interesting thing is that,

You know,

When you're in a relationship,

And you go a little bit further,

Because we,

You know,

Exist,

We have different parts within us,

Right?

And they are in relationship with each other.

So sometimes we have,

Sometimes they're at odds with each other,

Right?

And you sometimes have a difficult decision to make,

You don't know what to do,

Right?

A part says,

I don't want to do that.

Another part says,

This is not safe,

We should do that,

Right?

Yes.

And creating a connection of curiosity and compassion with one part tends to soothe that part.

And when we have polarizing part,

The most beautiful thing about that is that the other polarized part tends to soothe too.

Because what happens when you have a fight?

Right?

It can be with your spouse,

For example,

Both are charged,

One blows up,

The other thinks,

Oh,

No,

Gosh,

I don't feel hurt.

It blows up again.

And then,

You know,

It just kind of like gets bigger and bigger,

Right?

Exactly.

And when we tend to one part,

And we start to unburden it,

We start to soothe it,

Other parts automatically tend to relax as well.

So that's why it's called systemic.

That's because they are in a relationship with each other.

And you're in relationship with that whole bunch of,

You know,

Them being in relationship with each other,

Which is very interesting.

It gets very nuanced,

It gets very deep.

And there's always deeper layers you can kind of like go to.

But yeah,

That's basically how we,

You know,

Cultivate a secure relationship within ourselves.

And that makes sense.

Because,

You know,

We,

You know,

I did a lot more shadow work than I'm doing currently.

But,

You know,

When I was doing that shadow work,

That whole kind of process of transformation,

You know,

The first time you engage with that exiled self,

Whatever it is,

You know,

That visualization for me would typically be something which one could argue was a scary visual,

You know,

Just an ogre faces or whatever the case may be.

But as I've always said,

It often wasn't scary to me in the situation.

You know,

I am very scared of snakes.

Okay.

But you know,

In that space of shadow work,

Often,

Whilst I'm engaging with that exiled part,

That exit with that shadow,

There would be this feeling of something in the background.

But it wouldn't frighten me.

And neither would the image frighten me.

And what I learned over the passage of time is that continually coming back and engaging and doing that practice and engaging with that shadow part,

All of a sudden would manifest and turn into something else,

Would turn into a puppy,

It would turn into an owl.

I remember I had a lot of worry around things.

And,

You know,

I engaged with whatever that image was at the time,

And then it turned itself into an owl.

And then we had a session about two,

Six or eight weeks ago,

Eleanor,

I think was on it,

And she'd probably remind me where,

You know,

We were engaging again with the shadow part.

And,

You know,

One of the,

You know,

One of the guys in the session was talking about an elephant.

I think it was me,

Actually,

I had the elephant.

And,

You know,

And she brought up the fact that,

You know,

Elephants are very family orientated.

And that was the thing that I had a misalignment with the amount of time that I was engaging with my family,

Which travel,

Etc,

Etc,

Distractions.

And that's what popped out.

And,

You know,

And,

You know,

As I've said,

Quite often is that at the end of all of my guided meditations,

I go in and I engage with my shadow parts,

The exiled parts,

Which are now all integrated.

And it was if you remember,

A couple of years ago,

You know,

We were talking about you doing a graphic for me with all of them,

You know,

With the teddy bear and the penguin and all that.

That's what it is.

And actually,

I think I'm still going to hit you up for that.

It's they're all there.

They're all in the same place.

They're all in the same space.

And I love that about.

And it's just kind of exemplifies the point that you're making around once you start engaging with one,

Kind of everybody else comes into the equation and everybody else feels safer and everybody else feels secure.

And it ends up being really quite beautiful and calming.

And for me,

That's,

That's probably the root of why,

Not why,

But that's probably at the root of what has allowed me to really be so calm with things.

And,

You know,

Eckhart Tolle talks about ego death,

You know,

Never actually ever goes,

It's just about your engagement with your relationship with the ego,

Because my ego actually was the very first exiled part that I engaged with.

And that manifested itself into a teddy bear.

So,

Yeah,

A couple of questions here.

Let's see.

It's almost like,

Can I just jump in and say something quickly?

That is very common that when we do a practice with parts work or shadow work that they transform.

They transform from something big and scary,

Or sometimes you have,

You know,

Kind of like this small part that's just kind of like hidden in the corner in the darkness.

And they change.

That means the internal feeling of that part changes.

And then their job or their role that they take on,

It's never about getting rid of them.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Ever.

They have their best interest.

They have our best interest at their hearts.

Okay.

They just take on different roles that are more helpful.

They can,

You know,

Step back and not intervene.

They can help us,

You know,

Really kind of even achieve our goals that we want,

You know,

It's that's the change.

And it changes from within and not,

You know,

Kind of like trying to,

You know,

I have a part within me,

He's such a good fixer.

You know,

He wants to fix everything outside and kind of like,

They're like,

Oh,

Yeah,

Let's fix that person.

I'm like,

No.

Like,

Okay,

Part,

What do you need from me?

What do you need?

What do you need?

I'm curious.

Why do you think do you need to fix that person?

I get it.

I totally get it.

And let me be here for you right now and then see how we approach that person later on.

Yeah,

Yeah.

You know,

It's all about acceptance,

Isn't it?

And integration.

It's awareness and acceptance,

But I would go even deeper,

Compassionate acceptance.

Absolutely.

Compassionate acceptance,

Unconditional love.

It's and that's exactly it.

And,

You know,

All too often,

For me,

Speaking personally,

You know,

Like that past example about the elephant is,

You know,

There's something which is kind of here.

And,

You know,

It's almost like a voice on mute,

You know,

And then engaging with it in that IFS space,

You know,

Through shadowing,

Hits the unmute button,

And you can converse and it can tell you something.

And that telling me was,

I was like,

Why do I feel out of alignment?

What's the misalignment?

The misalignment was,

You need to lean more into family,

You need to lean more into spending time with your kids,

You need to lean more into that.

And I listened.

And that misalignment went away.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right,

Back to the questions you wanted.

No,

I mean,

I think,

I think,

I think,

For me,

That that's,

That's kind of it.

And I guess to almost kind of wrap it up,

And I don't know if you know,

Somebody,

Any of the guys on the,

On the,

On the live will want to ask a few questions to you,

Or to me,

Is,

You know,

How,

How do you do it?

I mean,

What is your kind of practice in terms of,

You know,

When these parts show up,

The perfect example of,

You know,

You said about this part of me wants to fix that person.

Can you just kind of speak more around that,

Like what your process is?

Yeah.

First of all,

It's just awareness.

You just,

You know,

Drop either into your body,

You feel physical sensations,

For example,

You know,

Heightened heartbeat,

Because you're nervous about something,

Or you have a thought,

You know,

That keeps ruminating.

You know,

It's just kind of like drop into your body.

Or you have a trigger,

And there's some emotion coming up some feelings,

Maybe anger,

Maybe sadness.

Maybe you feel nothing.

And that is the coolest part.

Maybe you feel numb.

And then the first thing after I notice something,

Either through my behavior,

Thought,

Or sensation,

Emotions,

Feelings,

I basically just ask myself the question,

How do I feel towards it?

How do I feel towards that part?

First,

To really access,

You know,

How much self energy is present.

Because also,

What I can sometimes notice is that,

You know,

Let's say I have a nervous part,

That's kind of like having anxiety about something,

That there's also another part within me that is just telling me just push through,

Just go on,

Push through,

It's going to be okay,

You know.

That is a protective part.

That's another part that is,

You know,

Pushing the nervous part away.

And when I become,

You know,

Conscious of that happening,

I can actually ask myself,

How do I feel towards,

You know,

The part that is nervous first,

Right?

Probably I feel nervous first.

And then I sit with it,

Like,

Okay,

How do I feel towards it?

I want to push it away.

Okay,

There's another part that wants to push it away,

That just wants to push through it,

Right?

And I'm kind of like,

Okay,

So now I see the polarization.

And then I can ask myself,

Okay,

How do I feel towards the part that wants to push through?

It's like,

Hmm,

I get it.

Okay,

I get it.

Okay,

Well,

And then I connect with that part and I tell the part,

And this is a very important,

Very important step.

I tell the part that,

You know,

Wants to push through,

That I get it.

Because I do understand it.

I'm like,

Oh,

Okay,

I see you.

I feel you.

I understand that you want to push through.

I get it.

You really want us to be successful or go through with that and be courageous,

Whatever it is,

Right?

And then I just connect into like,

You know,

Depending on how strong it is,

Then it becomes very open.

Like,

This is the first step.

And then it becomes very open what it says.

Sometimes it soothes and it goes back and it's like,

Okay.

And then I can connect with the nervous part or the exiled part,

You know,

The part that has a belief that I'm not good enough.

I'm not,

You know,

Kind of like,

I don't know enough,

Whatever it is,

Right?

And then I connect with that one,

You know,

And ask the same question,

How do I feel towards that part?

Yeah.

But if the other part who wants to push through is big and has this big story and big feeling,

I just sit longer with it.

You just go with the flow.

And then I sit with it and it's like,

Okay,

What do you want me to know?

What are you afraid of?

And I hear you.

And what if I can help that nervous part to not take over so much anymore so that you can feel better,

Right?

You're always in,

You're always kind of like working with different family members,

Right?

When one is really strong going on,

You kind of just kind of like,

Yeah,

Go away.

And that makes them more angry.

It makes them more insecure.

It makes them more scared.

So you just approach them and you try to really kind of like,

Take them all in,

You know?

Kind of like,

Okay.

And then,

You know,

I can go back to you.

Can you maybe step back so I can look at the other part and then sit with that part.

And then after you sat with that part,

You go back to the,

You know,

Push through part,

Right?

And then sit with it.

How was that for you?

And make a check-in.

And then maybe they're kind of like,

Okay,

Now I feel better.

I don't need to push it through so much.

And maybe they also understand our parts have so much compassion.

It is so,

I mean,

Like,

My heart just opens when they soothe and they're not in their protective role anymore or they're not in their big emotion or thought or belief anymore.

They become actually also what we call self-led.

Like,

All parts have also their own self-energy.

Sure.

And they also have this compassion,

This curiosity,

The courage.

They all do.

And once we unburden them,

That comes up.

And I like that word unburden.

That word unburden is so strong and so descriptive and so accurate.

Because,

You know,

What I've found,

And essentially your practice or your method of engaging is essentially at the root the same as mine.

You know,

For me,

I often talk about reading the tea leaves,

Okay?

And,

You know,

Manifesting generator,

Gut-led,

Gut-driven.

And so for me,

I kind of,

When something feels off,

That's when I go into the shadow and I engage with that part.

And,

I mean,

You know more about human design than me,

But I would imagine that,

I mean,

That fits in the way I do things whereby,

Right,

Let's focus on you,

Okay?

What's the story here,

Pal?

And,

You know,

Engage,

Transform,

Accept,

Allow,

And unburden that energy that it all too often feels,

That energy of not being seen or heard,

You know?

And once I do that,

They're happy,

You know?

It's almost like,

You know,

A little lamb bouncing off into a field,

You know,

After it's been caught up in something.

But it is about that regular check-in.

It really is about that regular check-in,

Which is why for me personally,

It's so important to engage with all of my parts all the time or as often as I possibly can because,

You know,

Like any relationship,

And especially a relationship which is sensitive,

You know,

If you think about any relationship that you have with a child,

You know,

If you,

You know,

Engage with the child,

If you're inconsistent about how you engage with them,

You know,

That does start to kind of build something up as well within me.

I mean,

I'll use the word,

You know,

An energy.

So,

That kind of consistent engagement,

I found personally for me to be the most fun.

So,

Sarah,

We're coming up onto half an hour.

I think we've done a good session today.

I don't know if there's anything else that anyone else wants to ask or say out there,

But whilst people do that,

I just want to kind of thank you for your time.

It's been great,

Been awesome.

I think by all the hearts which are fluttering,

A lot has been unlocked,

And I think next time we do this,

I think we do a practice.

What do you think?

Ah,

I thought we were going to do it today.

Next time.

Yes,

I would be,

Actually,

This is something that I always encourage people to,

You know,

Experience for themselves.

You know,

Do we have five more minutes?

Yeah,

Let's do it.

No,

Let's do it.

Let's do a practice because we were,

I thought we were saying that we would do one,

And Melina is asking,

Are we going to do a practice?

I kind of feel like I do want to do just a little,

Very short,

Basic practice with you to come into yourself and just kind of like notice parts that are within you.

It's just an awareness practice that you can do every day and every moment.

I do it moment-by-moment based when I feel something come up.

Okay,

This is coming up.

How do I feel towards it?

Okay,

There's another part,

I guess,

That wants to kind of like push it away.

So,

That was a part of me which was wanting to push the practice away.

So,

That was my protection.

Let's push on.

Let's push on.

All right,

Okay.

So,

Just get into a comfortable seat or just make yourself quickly comfortable.

I'm going to do the same too.

A few deep breaths to just really settle into your body.

And then just notice what sensations you feel in your body.

Maybe there are thoughts.

Maybe there's something a part is ruminating on.

Maybe you had an argument,

A stressful moment.

Or maybe you just woke up.

Whatever time it is where you are.

Just notice in and around you what is present right now.

And then see if there is one particular physical sensation or emotion or thought.

Physical sensation or emotion or thought can also be an image.

Some people experience it through visuals or sound.

Just notice if there is one that is really particularly standing out.

It really tries to get your attention.

And then see where in or around your body you can experience it.

And as you're able to locate it,

See how it shows up.

Does it have a taste,

A color?

Is it just physical sensations?

Sound?

A voice?

Whatever it is,

It is perfectly perfect.

And then ask yourself,

As you look at this or listen to it,

How do I feel towards this part?

And see if you can sense some curiosity or understanding.

If there is anything else or any other than this coming up,

It's most likely that there is another part present.

And see where you can locate that one in or around you.

And then ask yourself,

How do I feel towards this part?

In or around you?

How that one shows up?

And then you can ask yourself again,

How do I feel towards that part?

And when you can sense some curiosity or understanding or compassion,

Let the part know that.

Let it know that,

Hey,

I'm curious,

Tell me more.

What is going on?

I am here.

What would you like me to know?

What do you want to tell me?

And see what comes up.

And see throughout this process,

When it is telling you what is going on,

If there are maybe some other parts showing up that are wanting to fix it or say something about it or kind of like want to reframe that belief or that thought.

Just notice.

And when those parts come up,

Just let them know.

Notice.

And when those parts come up,

Just thank them that they are here.

Thank them for their concerns and ask them to just give a little bit more space for you to be with the initial part that you are connecting to.

They can go a little bit to the back,

But still watch and still see what is going on.

There is no forcing.

If one part doesn't want that,

You tend to that part with curiosity and understanding and compassion.

You can also ask yourself again,

How do I feel towards that part?

And just ask the initial part or whatever part you are sitting with right now,

What else it wants to share,

Before we are wrapping this up.

And then,

Whenever you are ready,

Thank the part and all other parts that were showing up for being here,

For taking part in this process.

Telling you their concerns.

Thank them for being there for you.

And then slowly come back into your body and open your eyes.

Great.

That was very good.

Thank you.

Thank you all for embarking on this inner journey with yourself,

On behalf of all your parts.

I'm thanking you.

No,

I mean,

It's.

.

.

I always love our discussions.

Me too.

And the thing is,

You know,

I could go deeper,

But this is actually just a basic practice to just connect with the parts.

Yeah,

It was.

And,

Yeah,

It was.

Is there anything in conclusion?

I feel complete and whole,

And I think that's it.

But if anyone else wants to share something or has a question.

.

.

No,

Thank you,

Guys.

Grenda,

Elena,

Tanya,

Just be happy with what you have.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Exactly.

Shall I?

Thank you so much.

Sorry,

Go on.

If people want to connect to go deeper,

Shall I drop something in the comment,

Where they can check me out?

Or I don't know how that works on Insight.

Yeah,

Why not.

That's allowed.

Yeah,

Let's figure that out.

Sorry?

Yeah,

Go ahead.

I'll just drop my.

.

.

This is my website.

You can just hop on there,

If you're interested to go deeper.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

I'll just drop my.

.

.

This is my website.

You can just hop on there,

If you're interested to go deeper.

Perfect.

All right.

It won't deliver it?

Yeah.

All right.

Thank you.

It's just our card.

You can reach out.

You can connect.

Sarah is on.

.

.

Sarah,

You can reach out.

You can send Sarah a DM.

Sarah Kartike,

She's on Insight Timer.

You've got your profile on Insight Timer.

Yes,

I do.

I need to check that.

I'm so rarely on here.

All right.

Anyhow,

We'll figure out something.

We only do it more often.

Thank you all so much for being there.

Also,

Tari,

Thank you so much for having me.

It was a great honor.

And.

.

.

That was awesome.

I really enjoyed it.

Yeah,

Looking forward to another time.

Keep up,

Sarah.

Keep up,

Everybody.

Thank you all.

Thank you so much.

Please do reach out.

Check out Sarah's on her Insight Timer page.

All the best,

Guys.

Catch you later.

Bye.