You're feeling the blanket of shame that is so uncomfortable,
Guilty,
Wrong,
Self-judgment,
Self-hatred,
Disappointment.
Let's allow that shame first to be here,
Even if there's also a voice that wants it to go away.
The sense you've made a mistake,
Something is wrong with you,
You aren't capable.
Notice this experience where you turn on yourself,
Thinking about the way you've behaved,
Some way you've spoken or interacted with others,
The way you've reached for food,
Showing up in your body the way it is.
Notice the thoughts of meanness,
The judgment that the repeating behavior is wrong.
Notice the suffering.
It's okay to be aware of how we want to numb,
We want to get even,
We crave,
We grasp.
Mind offers thoughts of self-hatred,
Denigration,
Panic,
Soothing,
Just notice.
Now just for a brief moment,
Imagine there's nothing to hide,
Nothing to destroy or kill about you,
Nothing to attack.
Imagine that.
Imagine setting down the perspective that there might be something wrong with you.
Imagine that there is something unconditionally friendly towards you that has allowed you to continue no matter what you've ever done,
Thought,
Said,
Been or felt.
Notice that that point of unconditional friendliness might be part of you,
Not something separate from you,
Not something you have to see with your mind.
Could there be something or some part or some energy within you that holds unconditional friendship towards yourself?
It's still here,
Something's persisted.
Knowing this,
Allow the shame to be here.
Notice the place shame lives in your body,
Where you feel it.
Notice it doesn't take up the entire room and everything in the environment.
The shame is not in the chair that you're sitting on.
Notice the color of shame,
The shape,
The texture.
Let it be here like weather coming through.
We're open to experiencing everything about ourselves,
All the times we've lost it,
All the thinking and the feelings that are so difficult,
All the memories.
What is this shame visitor like?
This shame feels like a familiar companion.
What does shame look like?
What if we didn't run away from this shameful experience?
Allow pictures and memories and awareness to come in if they come about the situation where you feel ashamed,
Perhaps the many situations where you feel ashamed.
Notice the mind says,
Because of this situation,
Because of this behavior,
Because of this something,
I will never feel love.
I will never find connection.
I will never feel peace.
I will never have acceptance.
Because of this,
I'm wrong.
I'm imperfect.
Because of this,
I am bad.
Because of this,
I must pay.
I owe.
I should be punished.
Notice the condemning nature of that voice that's identified with a position.
That's its viewpoint.
The viewpoint isn't wrong.
We're just noticing.
We're allowing it to be there the way it is.
Now let's consider this profound question.
Who are you?
Who are you without the story of being the one who is wrong?
Who's done it wrong?
Notice that can only be a story.
Who would you be without that thought?
If you didn't believe the thought,
Who are you?
Can you notice there's no solid,
Permanent me who has done it either wrong or right?
Notice when we feel ashamed or guilty,
The mind is focusing on a me that's done it wrong.
It has proof.
Could it be that as we find evidence and proof that we're worthy of shame,
We're bolstering up and substantiating a self,
A me,
That's not actually so solid as we think?
Find the space where you're aware of this behavior,
This condition,
This experience,
The eating,
The thinking,
The feeling,
Being seen by people in a negative way,
Being left out,
Being abandoned,
Feeling hurt.
Touch any of that and all of it with compassion and an open mind.
Just soften around the edges of it without being against it.
Could it be the mind is innocent at the core?
Who are you without the definition of a bad me or a wrong me,
The one who's eating the wrong way,
The one who's doing it wrong?
Allow the behavior,
The situation,
The experiences we've blanketed in shame to be there.
Notice you're not the inventor of shame.
Shame simply rises in a moment.
What if shame was a messenger,
Something informing you,
Speaking to you,
Sharing with you?
What if it is not who you are,
A fixed identity?
Who are you?
If you're not believing all the proof you have that you did it wrong or that you are wrong or bad,
What's that like?
Can you relax in this place of being a human life force without judgment,
Even if there's judgment present?
Can you tenderly notice that you don't truly wish to add to violence,
Aggression,
Self-judgment,
Internal screaming at something,
At a self?
Pause.
Instead of feeling ashamed about being ashamed,
Instead of denigrating or criticizing or shaming further,
Wallowing in guilt,
Can you allow these energies to be here just as they are?
Fire,
Heat,
Intensity,
Fear,
Dreadful disappointment,
Weight,
Darkness.
Let thinking be here and open,
Allow,
Soften to the texture of all that's here as we are aware of this self that's done it wrong and shamefully.
What if this experience is not an enemy to be rejected?
Instead of shame,
Feelings,
Thoughts can be here and it's not dangerous.
Notice how the room or the environment that you're in right now is full of space,
Air,
Emptiness.
This space in the room,
In this environment isn't disturbed even if suddenly 10 people came into it.
This space just allows everything to come in.
If this space was a bus,
The bus isn't damaged with every person who gets on and off the bus.
This is the way the mind is.
This is the way my mind is.
It just accommodates everything.
The mind sees the color,
Feels the temperature,
Notices the shame,
Notices the flooding feeling of disappointment,
Sees everything.
It's completely accommodating and knowing.
Notice the nature of who you are,
The space.
This is your life force,
The basis even of your mind.
The shame in your world arises inside the spaciousness of this mind and the knowingness of this mind as thought.
Touch that experience of shame with compassion.
Touch your nature with compassion.
Imagine the presence of life engulfing you,
Holding you from below and above,
Within,
Surrounding you,
This hum of life,
Persistent,
Strong,
Unconditional,
Mysterious.
Who are you without your story that you've done it wrong,
Without focusing on believing the internal talking you hear inside your head?
Who are you without believing this shame cloud is who you are?
Who are you without your story that what you've done is who you are?
Feel the way the space,
The seat,
The presence is holding you.
Rest your limbs.
Notice how you trust the earth to hold you just here now in this moment.
What is here right now when there's no problem to solve?
What is here right now when there's no problem with you or your history?
What is here right now even though there are thoughts and feelings of shame,
Guilt,
Anger,
Self-hatred?
What if everything's okay as it arises?
What is here now when you don't need to believe a story?
What's here right now when you don't need to believe a thought that appears?
I don't know.
I don't know.
What's here now if a thought,
Words,
Pictures,
Ideas,
Racing,
Voice,
Sounds in the head show up without needing to do anything about them?
What if it was okay to not know what anything means?
What if you didn't need to think about anything or to think about thinking about anything?
What if you didn't need to make sure you're safe,
To make sure to manage yourself,
To fix yourself?
What if you didn't even need to survive to make sure you must survive?
Notice something lives here.
What's it like right here,
Right now,
Without a problem?
What's it like to rest?
Let yourself sit and rest in the don't know mind.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And it's okay.
What's it like to touch your experience with compassion?
Like a baby being held by a kindhearted,
Wise grandparent.
No need to change.
Nothing to be.
Nothing to find.
Nothing to seek or chase or hunt for.
Nothing missing.
Nothing to swear off of or relinquish.
No need to promise anything.
Understanding your experience of shame with compassion,
With supportive emptiness.
What if you are supported?
Everything you need is supplied right now.
Mind doesn't need to have an answer.
What if you could even soften and learn from the shame your behavior has produced?
Knowing you are human,
Imperfect,
Accepted,
Living.
Allow yourself to touch what you've experienced.
To touch that shameful behavior,
Thinking,
And feeling with compassion.
Rest.
Relax.
Rest in the don't know mind.
