Meditation & Coffee - A Thick Skin (Resilience)

Hello!

You are listening to Meditation and Coffee,

The weekday meditation podcast that helps you start your day off calm,

Aware,

Intentional,

Focused and most importantly,

Awake.

Because did you know that the word Buddha actually means awakened one?

I'm Hannah,

Your host and founder of the online meditation community Breathe Like a Badass and I am obsessed with starting the day with good coffee and seriously simple meditation.

As a trained meditation teacher and a female entrepreneur,

My mission is to help anxious yet ambitious women cut through overwhelmed negative self-talk,

Constant comparison and fear so they can get the calm,

Clarity and focus that they need to build happy,

Fulfilling,

Freedom filled businesses and lives.

Meditation is not magic but it's a pretty good place to start.

So whether your coffee is a shot of espresso,

A latte decaf or even a tea or a chai,

I invite you to join me every weekday to start your day off right.

FYI,

These sessions are recorded live on my Instagram page at Breathe Like a Badass so if you'd prefer to join in and watch them live,

You can do so there every weekday morning between 8 and 8.

30am London time.

The videos are also available after the lives on my IGTV page.

Now on to the meditation and coffee.

Good morning.

I think we're live.

Yes.

Woo.

Let me just post in the comments.

Today we are doing.

You think that I would get better at that each time but I don't seem to.

So good morning.

Sorry.

Just checking that it's all working.

Hello.

So today's meditation is called a thick skin.

And the reason for that is because a lot of people that I've been speaking to recently and including in my own life,

Not gonna lie,

The subject has been coming up of why other people sometimes behave in ways that you find annoying or that you find downright rude or people do things that really kind of you just like well that's just made my life 10 times harder.

Why?

Why have you done that?

Especially as business owners but also just as people in the world like creative people or sensitive people or people who work on our compassion and who meditate and who tried to be good kind loyal people.

When we encounter people who are not like that when we encounter others who seem to not have that kind of consideration towards us,

It can feel quite affronting.

And I personally this week have had this problem.

And where I've been dealing with someone long boring story but basically I found that their response has been less than friendly for no reason.

And this can happen all the time.

I mean,

Even in a job,

For example,

If you're dealing with colleagues,

And you're thinking that you're really trying to be friendly to your colleague,

And they snap at you or you've got a boss who is having a really bad day and he takes it out on you.

Maybe your partner even is having a bad day and they take it out on you.

If you run an online business or any kind of business,

You're probably going to get feedback from people,

You're going to get less than brilliant criticism,

Maybe you're going to get trolls if you do anything online,

You're probably going to get trolls people that say horrible things for no reason.

Even really silly things can really upset you like for example,

If you're in a shop,

And the shopkeeper is unnecessarily brusque or unnecessarily rude to you,

Or someone in the shop cuts in front of you in the queue or,

You know,

There's a million and one different micro things that can happen throughout our day that can make us think well that's not fair,

Why are they doing that or that's mean or I deserve to be treated better than that.

And so this meditation is really about understanding those other people.

Now there are a few caveats to that.

The first one is that,

And this is a phrase that I really love.

Before you diagnose yourself with whatever it is before you diagnose yourself with anxiety and depression,

First check that you are not surrounded by and then the actual quote says something quite rude.

First check that you're not surrounded by idiots is something that I will say.

So I'm not necessarily saying that through meditating it makes it okay for people to be rude to you.

Nope,

I'm not saying that.

I'm not saying that you can meditate away the pain of genuine transgressions that you can meditate away when people are genuinely being rude to you.

And it doesn't make it okay for people to be rude to you.

And it doesn't mean that you don't have to lay out some boundaries.

This is something that I say all the time to people when I talk when I talk them through the exercise we're going to do today,

Which is like,

Just because someone,

Excuse me,

I just closed the window because there's a plane flying over.

This is something I say very often,

Which is just because you meditate just because you are trying to be a good person and choose a more compassionate path.

And just because you are trying to be less reactive and more compassionate in your responses doesn't mean that people can just treat you however they like you still have a right to say,

Actually,

That's not okay.

Or you can't talk to me like that or,

You know,

Why are you saying that I find that really unfair.

Also,

You still have a right to speak up when someone crosses a boundary or says something that you find to be rude.

However,

In a lot of cases,

We find that somebody is offhand comment or thoughtless remark or someone who we can't even go back and really tell like,

You know,

Someone in the shop,

We can't go back and say to them,

Hey,

What you did that other week really upset,

You know,

There's no point.

So what we can do is we find that these moments in our day can sit in our mind,

And we can overthink them massively.

And they go round and round and round in our heads.

And we start to think of all the brilliant things that we should have said,

And why we didn't think of that amazing comeback before,

And how all the things we're going to say to them and give them a piece of our mind and how it's,

You know,

So wrong that they spoke to us that way or,

And it can be very tempting.

And sometimes it's difficult to know whether whether we should speak up,

Whether we should say,

Hey,

You know,

Actually,

What you said really upset me,

Or whether actually the best policy is just to leave it and move on.

Something that really helps with this is the exercise that we're going to do today.

And it's basically an adaptation of what is known as loving kindness meditation,

Or meta.

It was popularized in the West by Sharon Salzberg,

Who is a babe,

Sharon Salzberg brought over this form of meditation,

She's written the book literally called loving kindness.

And we're going to talk through it today.

And it basically helps you to build compassion for other people.

And the best phrase that I know that describes this is hurt people hurt people.

So if someone's being less than brilliant to you,

Or if someone is responding to you in a way that seems rude or inappropriate,

Or just like plain unkind,

It's usually because they themselves are going through something else,

It's usually got very little to actually do with you.

It's usually because they themselves are struggling with something in their lives.

They've had a bad day,

They don't know how to react to it,

They don't know how to respond appropriately.

They're struggling just as much as you might be.

Because and this is the key,

We are all human.

And you might be working with a meditation practice,

You are probably a very self aware individual,

And you are really trying to not take your anger or frustration out on other people.

And then when people don't return that favor back to you,

You're a bit like,

Oh,

Well,

That's not really fair.

But if you remember that a lot of people out there are not working on their self compassion,

And they're not working on their inner peace,

For want of a better phrase.

And so their anger and their frustration and their pain can manifest itself in being an idiot and being a prat and being someone that is rude to you.

And I think it can help us when we struggle with these situations to remind ourselves of that perspective.

And remember that actually,

It's not about us.

Like I say,

That doesn't mean that they can just say whatever they want.

It doesn't mean that we just have to take it if someone's being rude to us.

And it doesn't mean that we cannot draw a boundary and say,

Right,

Well,

In this situation,

I'm sorry,

But that's unacceptable.

You know,

You go and figure out whatever you need to figure out,

But you can't take it out on me.

So all of those things are still really important.

However,

I find that if we if we carry that anger and frustration about someone else's behavior within us,

It doesn't usually help their behavior.

It just steals our peace.

It just steals our sense of goodness and stops us from being able to get on with our day.

And if you're a female entrepreneur like me,

Or you're someone who works in the online space,

I sometimes call this developing a thick skin because like I say,

If you do anything in the online space or anything really at all,

You're going to get trolls,

You're going to get people that don't don't agree with you.

Also,

In your life,

You're going to always have people that have unsolicited opinions,

They're going to tell you what they think you should be doing,

They're going to tell you what what they would do if they were you,

They're going to tell you that they think your idea is bad,

And that you should do this or what about this or have you thought about that.

And so much of the time,

This technique that we're going to do today helps me,

Because it reminds me that those people are only saying what is a projection of their feelings.

It's about them,

Basically,

Not about me.

So if someone says that my business idea is a bad idea,

I think,

Okay,

Well,

Do they know what they're talking about?

Are they my target audience?

Have they done as much research as me?

And if the answer to that is no,

Then their opinion is about them,

Not about me.

It's about their fears,

Their reactions,

Their worries.

And same if someone's rude to you.

Have you done something that deserves it?

Is there a reason that they're being rude to you?

Can you learn anything from this situation?

Or are they just being rude for no reason?

And if the answer to that is no,

Yeah,

They're just being rude for no reason.

It's about them.

It's not about you.

So we're going to do this loving kindness meditation technique,

Which I have previously done just for yourself,

Because this builds compassion.

This technique has been shown to build compassion and improve people's compassionate actions towards themselves and towards other people.

And you can do this technique for yourself as well as for other people.

So we're going to start actually with doing it to yourself.

We're going to build compassion for ourselves first,

And then we're going to allow that to spill over and really allow us to build compassion for other people.

Because like I say,

Hurt people hurt people.

So if we can be compassionate to other people's hurt,

We can realize that it's actually about them and that they're human and that they're struggling too,

Just like we are.

And then that kind of makes it easier for us to accept if they're being a bit rude or if they're behaving in a really inappropriate way.

Like I say,

It doesn't mean that we shouldn't do anything about it,

Doesn't mean that it's acceptable for them to do what they're doing,

But it can help us understand it and help us to stop kind of stewing and overthinking about it in our own head.

So without further ado,

We're going to get into meditation position.

So whichever,

Whatever feels comfortable for you and allowing yourself to remain alert,

Your spine up straight and your shoulders out,

Shoulders relaxed and allowing the muscles in your neck,

Your face and your shoulders to drop and relax.

Closing your eyes if it feels comfortable.

If not,

I invite you to just leave your eyes open and keep them in front of you slightly glazed over looking at a point in front of you that is going to allow you to stay focused.

Now I invite you to bring your attention to a particular anchor where you're,

You can return your attention when you get distracted.

So for many people that's the breath.

So just taking some deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth and allowing yourself to come to rest.

As you breathe out,

Allowing the muscles to relax even more and noticing what it feels like just to be sitting here,

Breathing in this space today.

Now I'd like you to bring your attention to yourself,

Your body,

How you're feeling today,

Any areas of tension that you notice and say to yourself,

May I be well?

May I be happy?

May I be safe?

May I be loved?

May I be well?

May I be happy?

May I be safe?

May I be loved?

Now I invite you to say those phrases in a way that is going to feel good to you,

That's going to resonate with you and if those phrases don't work for you and they feel weird or cheesy or actually you feel like you want to say something else,

Maybe may I be healthy is another good one,

May I be kind.

You can substitute the phrases with whatever works for you.

And holding yourself with kindness and gentleness as you say those phrases to yourself.

May I be safe?

May I be happy?

May I be well?

May I be loved?

However works for you,

Whatever order,

Whatever words resonate most.

And the reason we start with ourselves is because it's that really old phrase,

That cliche that we can't pour from an empty cup.

And I really believe that if you're not looking after yourself first then your ability to be compassionate to other people is going to be severely restricted so we always want to start with ourselves.

And then once we've realised that we are human and that we struggle and that we suffer and that when we make a mistake or when we say something thoughtless it's not because we're a bad person it's because we're having a hard time or we just reacted badly right?

And now that we've realised that about ourselves we can start to realise it about other people too.

So now I invite you to bring your attention to someone who you like,

Someone who is easy for you to think of in a kind,

Happy,

Friendly way.

Bring them to mind,

Bring their face to mind if you can.

And holding them in your mind's eye,

Imagining them going about their day,

Repeat the same phrases to yourself.

May they be well,

May they be happy,

May they be safe,

May they be loved.

You say it at whatever speed works for you,

Whatever allows it to really hit you in the heart,

Which sounds cheesy but when you do it,

It's true,

You'll find a way that really resonates with you.

May they be safe,

May they be well,

May they be happy,

May they be loved.

And in doing this you're training yourself to remember that everyone wants these things,

Even people that don't seem like they deserve it or they do want it,

Everyone wants to be loved,

To be heard,

To be safe,

To be well,

Everyone,

All human beings.

They might show it in a weird way,

They might not seem as though they really deserve it sometimes,

But all human beings want those things,

Pretty much.

So this is about reminding ourselves and remembering that we're all human.

So now I invite you to bring to mind somebody who you don't really know that well,

Someone who you're kind of ambivalent about.

So it might be the postman or someone in your coffee shop who served you coffee last time you went in.

It might be the person that empties your bins,

Anyone,

Anyone,

The last person that you saw in a shop,

The person who delivers your groceries,

Anyone.

And hold their face or an image of the last time that you connected with them in your mind's eye.

I had a parcel delivered to my house yesterday so I'm going to use his face.

He was quite stressed,

The delivery guy who came to my house yesterday,

So I'm thinking about him.

And again we say the same phrases,

We send the phrases out to them wherever they are,

Whoever they might be.

May you be well,

May you be safe,

May you be happy,

May you be loved.

May you be well,

May you be safe,

May you be happy,

May you be loved.

And now this is the most difficult bit but arguably the bit that works the best.

I invite you to bring to mind someone that you really struggle with or someone who has aggrieved you or upset you recently.

This isn't to re-traumatise you,

This isn't to remind you of the most horrible person that you've ever encountered,

Someone who really upset you.

It's just to practice the technique.

So by all means think of someone who is not the most difficult person you've ever encountered,

Especially if you're just starting in this technique.

Just think of someone who you find difficult who has upset you recently perhaps,

And bring their face to mind.

And even though it might be so difficult to understand,

They too are a human being,

They have dreams and hopes and fears and flaws and worries and stresses,

And they just want to be loved and happy and successful as well,

Just like everyone else.

Very annoying to admit sometimes,

But very true.

So again,

Bringing their face to mind if you can.

Breathing deep and opening your heart,

Quite literally breathing,

Allowing yourself to expand and sending them the same phrases.

May you be well.

May you be safe.

May you be happy.

May you be loved.

May you be well.

May you be safe.

May you be happy.

May you be loved.

Just marinating on that for a while.

And I remind you that sending people this loving kindness doesn't mean that you are agreeing with them,

It doesn't mean that you're saying that their behaviour is okay,

It doesn't mean that you're forgiving them necessarily,

Although it can help with that,

And it doesn't mean that you have to like them particularly.

If someone's really upset you or behaved badly towards you,

You're not necessarily going to like them.

You don't have to accept their behaviour.

But this can just help you diffuse the situation a little bit and diffuse your own sense of pain and struggle within you,

And bring a little bit more distance and resilience to the situation,

Which is why I've called this meditation a thick skin.

Because doing this,

Especially for people that you struggle with,

Can help you develop resilience to be resistant to difficult situations.

Develop a more compassionate mindset so if someone does something that upsets you,

It doesn't ruin your whole day or your whole week.

You can get perspective on it and kind of move on a lot faster.

Or you can decide what you're going to do about it,

Maybe you do need to write back to them and say,

Oi you can't talk to me like that,

Or whatever.

So just sitting in that place for a few more moments.

Bringing that face to mind.

Feeling the feelings that you felt perhaps if it's anger,

Frustration or pain.

Just noticing what comes up when you think about this person.

And then inhaling gently,

Compassionately to yourself.

And sending them the phrases.

May you be well.

May you be safe.

May you be happy.

May you be loved.

And then we're going to just very gently finish this meditation off by expanding this to basically the whole world and realising that everyone wants to be loved and be safe and be successful and well and happy.

Even if they don't seem as though they do.

So however you need to imagine it,

Maybe you imagine it as a big golden light bringing in the whole world.

Or just imagining anyone that you might meet when you go out today.

Whoever they are,

Whatever they're doing.

They're part of this big one human race that we all belong to.

So just holding everyone,

All of us,

In your mind as best you can.

And saying again.

May you be well.

May you be safe.

May you be happy.

May you be loved.

Because just like hurt people go on to hurt people.

I would also say that people who are loved and people that feel love can then go out and love others.

And it's so much easier to love other people and be compassionate to others if we ourselves feel loved and taken care of within ourselves.

And that's kind of why I go back to that phrase,

You can't pour from an empty cup.

No,

You can't pour from an empty cup.

But if you if your cup is full,

And you are looking after yourself,

And appreciating that you are a human,

You feel loved,

Whether it's self love or making sure that you're surrounded by people that lift you up.

You can then you then find that you have spare compassion,

Your cup is literally running over.

You can share that extra compassion,

That extra love that you have that you've cultivated that you've worked to feel.

And it's so much easier to share it with others.

People that are hurt hurt others.

People that love find it so much easier to love others too.

And like I said,

It doesn't fix it all.

If you've had your eyes closed in meditation,

You can open them now.

But I do invite you to remember that doing loving kindness meditation doesn't mean that it's okay for people to treat you badly.

It doesn't mean that what they've done is fine that you're forgiving them.

But it does mean that you can start to develop a more compassionate frame of mind yourself because ultimately,

That's all that we can really control ourselves and our own reactions and our own mindset.

And then that makes it a heck of a lot easier for us to be kind to other people.

And remember that everyone is fighting their own battle essentially.

So thank you for this meditation today.

Thank you for being here.

This is a great one for developing resilience,

A thick skin when people upset you,

When stuff happens that is less than brilliant.

When you feel kind of like crap,

When someone is behaving in a way that you don't really get or that you think is a bit unkind or rude,

Frankly.

This meditation can help with that.

And remembering the principles in this meditation,

Which is it's not about you.

It's usually about them.

Doesn't mean that you can't learn from it doesn't mean that maybe there are some things that you could do differently next time or whatever.

But usually it's about them.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you so much.

This has been another session of meditation and coffee.

Bit of a long one bit of a deep one,

But I hope that it's helped.

I hope that you can call on this technique in future when there's a situation or a person that is getting to you.

And you can use this technique to come back to your own sense of inner peace.

So thank you for being here.

I wish you a wonderful day.

And I'll be back early tomorrow for another meditation and coffee on Friday.

And yeah,

Thanks so much.

Have a great day.

That's it for today.

Thanks so much for listening and spending your morning with me.

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If you like this,

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Fulfilling,

Freedom filled business and life.

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Thank you so much for listening and I will see you for the next one.