Working With Shame ~ From Self-Rejection To Self-Compassion

Good morning,

Good afternoon or good evening,

Depending on where you are.

And welcome to this track where we're gonna work with shame.

Now before we begin,

I actually want to invite you to move your body a little bit in any way that you find pleasant.

So maybe you wanna stretch,

Maybe you wanna bend over a little bit to rest or dance a little bit or shake.

Just feel into your body for a moment,

See what would your body like to do right now.

Don't mind if it looks weird or whatever,

Just enjoy some movement.

Maybe you wanna stretch out your face,

That's something I like to do.

Open my mouth as wide as possible and my eyes also.

So just for maybe 30 more seconds,

Do a bit of movement.

Of course,

If you don't want to do movement,

Don't do it.

Everything in this practice is an invitation,

A suggestion,

It's not a requirement.

So slowly moving a little bit slower,

Letting go of the movements that you are doing.

And then either position yourself laying down or sitting.

And find the sweet spot between focus and relaxation.

So you don't want to be focused with straining yourself,

But you want to have this kind of alertness.

So alert mind,

Relaxed body.

Let your face relax,

Let your shoulders relax,

Let your arms relax,

Your belly,

Your back relax.

And then as you settle in,

Become a little bit more aware of the breathing that is happening by itself.

And I want to begin here with setting a presence anchor,

Meaning just take a moment to find any spot in your body that feels safe,

That feels grounded.

Maybe it is the place where your feet are touching the floor if you're on a chair or maybe it is where your butt is on a pillow.

And your presence anchor can also be an object.

So it could also be your favorite painting on the wall or a rock that you really like.

So if you have a totem and you need to get it,

Then pass the track and get it.

And otherwise I want to invite you to just sit with your presence anchor,

Whether that's an object or maybe something in your room that you can look at or a place in your body that feels pleasant and grounded and safe.

And just for a moment make a connection with that place or part or object.

And just relax into that.

This is your presence anchor and this is where you can go to if you need a break or if maybe the practice gets a little bit intense.

So just take a moment now to be with your presence anchor for about 30 seconds.

Okay,

Very good.

So now again,

Whenever you feel maybe that things are getting a little bit intense,

You can always take a break.

And I would invite you to then return to your presence anchor.

And now before we go into the meat of the practice,

I want you to check with yourself and maybe take a long deep inhalation and exhalation.

And just ask yourself,

Am I willing now to step into being with my shame?

So if you somehow feel some trepidation,

You can do two things.

You can choose to say yes to a vulnerable practice because it can be vulnerable to practice with shame.

And then now you are just aware that okay,

I'm willingly stepping into some vulnerability and maybe some fear.

You can also choose a lighter topic.

That is also a really good choice if you want to just,

You know,

Especially when shame is very strong,

Then it's really fine and maybe even skillful to start small.

So in that case,

Just take a moment to change your topic and then check again,

Am I willing to be with this?

Okay,

And now you have your topic of shame,

Your subject or maybe a person,

A situation,

A relationship,

Whatever it may be for you.

Bring it now into your experience.

So inviting in that topic,

Just holding it,

You can actually imagine that topic in front of you.

So whatever it is,

Whether it be,

You know,

A habit that you have or maybe something about your body,

A relationship or maybe something you did that you're ashamed of,

Place it in front of you and just breathe with it for a few moments.

And then allow the sensations and emotions,

The feelings of shame to come.

If they don't come,

You can also place the shame object or topic inside of you to be even more direct.

Just breathe with whatever comes up.

Maybe you'll feel a hotness or a tensing or your breathing changes or anything like that.

Just notice it and see if you can stay breathing calmly with it.

Keeping your body relaxed,

Keeping your face relaxed,

Keeping your breathing,

If possible,

Relaxed and just allowing shame to be there in its physical manifestation.

And remember,

You can always go back and take a break and be with your presence anchor.

Now what I want you to do,

Hoping that you have some contact with the physical manifestation,

The emotions,

The feelings,

The sensations,

I want you to speak directly to those feelings and tell them or it that they're very welcome and that they don't have to change.

So if you,

For instance,

Have a burning feeling in your heart or a contraction in your belly or maybe a kind of hotness in your face,

Whatever it may be,

Just speak directly to that place and tell them something in your own words,

Something like,

Thank you for being here,

You're welcome.

And then just be silent and see what happens.

So go ahead and do that right now.

If you need more time,

You can always pause the track.

For most of you doing this practice,

You'll probably notice that something happened when you spoke to the feeling or to the sensation.

Typically when we allow and when we accept feelings and sensations and emotions as they are,

Something actually changes.

And that is a beautiful process.

That means we're actually not stuck in our reactivity,

We're not stuck in our shame.

When we accept something,

It becomes free.

And we're going to go towards the next phase of the practice here.

So still being with whatever feelings,

Sensations you have,

Maybe it changed,

I want you to check in with yourself and notice any needs that are important for you around this shame.

Typical shame needs are dignity,

Acceptance,

Belonging,

And safety.

It could be something else,

But check with yourself if maybe one of those resonates.

Am I needing dignity in this situation?

Am I needing belonging with this person?

Am I needing safety in my relationship with my body?

Or am I maybe needing acceptance for my topic?

So just take a moment.

Maybe it's already clear,

That's beautiful.

And if you need a moment more,

Then take it now and just feel into yourself.

What is my deepest need here in this situation with this topic?

So if you don't yet have a need,

You can also stop the track,

Just see where you are,

Go back to the description of the session,

Because there I've put some needs,

And see if any of those resonate.

If you do have a need that you found,

Then we're going to work with that need next.

So say that it is for instance acceptance or belonging.

Maybe you have two needs.

If in the case you have more than one need that you resonate with,

Then feel which one you want to work with the most,

Which somehow stand out the most.

And we're going to work with that need.

So maybe taking another long deep full inhalation and exhalation,

We're going to cleanse the palate a little bit.

So you might even,

If you have your eyes closed,

Just open your eyes for a moment,

Look around,

Maybe move a little bit,

Maybe shake a little bit.

We're going to go into the next and final phase of this practice.

We're going to go do something called the dwelling in the beauty of the need.

When we do this practice,

It is called imagination,

And I maybe use the word visualization,

But you actually don't have to be good at visualizing at all.

It's much more important that you feel it.

So it's nice and fine if you have imagery in your mind,

But it's not necessary.

And what we're going to do in a moment,

I'll first explain it,

Is imagine that need being fully met.

And you can also go to a memory if,

For instance,

Your need is safety,

And you have a very clear memory of,

Oh yes,

Then I felt really safe.

Then you can use your memory.

And it's also equally possible to use your imagination.

And typically we can do that.

If you use your imagination,

So for instance,

I'm going to imagine what it would be like if my need for belonging was completely met.

And then the beautiful thing is you can imagine anything you like.

So you can imagine,

For instance,

I want to be on the planet Mars with a hundred gorillas that are hugging me and giving me ice cream,

Because that is for me just the epitome of belonging.

So it doesn't matter at all what is your imagination.

Really allow yourself to be completely free and imagine what it would be like to have that need met.

And you can also really allow yourself to imagine all sorts of details that would somehow make it perfect for you.

That'll make the practice all the more working for you.

And the reason we're doing this is this is really creating for you that relationship,

That inner touching of that need.

So now whether you're going to go with a memory or with a imagination,

Allow yourself to really feel all those little details that make it perfect for you.

And we'll do this for about five minutes so you have some time.

And really allow yourself to play with it and to feel it and to smell it and to touch it.

So enjoy this practice of dwelling in the beauty of the need and then after about five minutes we'll go for rounding up.

And then I slowly invite you to find an end to the imagination or to the memory.

It can be nice to maybe take a few long deep full inhalations and exhalations and then letting go of the imagery.

And if you want to you can open your eyes and come back to the here and now.

And as the last step to kind of take home what you've been practicing with here,

I want to invite you to make a request to yourself or a reminder,

However you want to call it.

But I'd love for you to take a moment to intentionally place let's say a request,

I'm going to call it a request,

That the next time you feel shame that you remember that it's okay to feel all the feelings that are there,

To welcome them,

To remember to allow the feelings,

The sensations,

The emotions to be there.

So just to place that as an intention for yourself that when shame comes up it's welcome in its physical maybe very uncomfortable manifestation.

And also,

And I'll give you a moment to do that in a minute,

I want to add also to remember whenever shame comes up for you the next time,

Remember the needs that are important for you or that one need that is so important for you.

And the reason why this is so good to remember is that now you've created a first step towards a relationship with that need,

You know,

If it was belonging,

Dignity or safety or acceptance,

This practice has created a pathway towards that need.

And when we are opening that relationship with a need it will show up in our life.

And so I'd love now for you to take a moment to,

In your own way,

Right,

Or maybe a variation that works better for you than my suggestion,

But to make that request,

Set that reminder for yourself that when shame comes up it's welcome and to remind yourself what's important for you,

What need is alive for you.

So take a moment now,

45 seconds to anchor that in intention.

So that was the practice,

I hope you got something out of it.

Shame is a universal ubiquitous and sometimes hidden experience that many of us have.

And I think if we all learn to welcome it and work with it,

That'll make us happier.

I hope this worked for you and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day.