Transforming Trauma With Susan Gold

Wholeness and welcome.

This is Josh Dippold of Integrating Presence and today I've got Susan Gold with me.

Susan,

How's it going?

Hey,

I'm just loving Montana in this moment.

Thank you Well,

That's really cool.

I you talked a little bit before about fires I didn't even ask how close you were to that or how serious that was there yeah,

So a neighbor a friend had to be evacuated and I had a Family gathering back in North Carolina that I had to cancel out last minute I woke up to go to the airport and sections of the road were Definitely slowed like to a very slow speed limit and it just felt way too dangerous to be driving the one road in and out Through fire areas,

So I've had enough of that in,

California Wow,

Yeah,

So just for anybody that's if this is audio only they don't see any metadata on this we're at the end of August in 2023 and By the way,

Who is Susan Gold and what kind of work do you do?

Well,

I'd like to to think that I'm a kind-hearted human soul walking walking the earth gently And I came from a background of matching celebrities to brands and then producing for television and film,

But I have been reassigned and redirected I Created a book.

It's a memoir and on a taboo topic Toxic family Transforming childhood trauma into adult freedom.

It wasn't my title Josh.

My title was magical illumination Because that's what I feel my journey has been But yeah,

I'd say I'm a human being walking with as much presence as possible Well beautiful before we get into the topic of your book Let's explore a little bit about how you got from where you were to where you are now So then I want to jump into Hollywood I mean,

You definitely seem to have a great personality for that industry.

Tell me a little bit about Hollywood You know what's going on there?

Is it really as?

Interesting as people say it is or is it just what can you say about that?

How did you get into that whole scene and What's worth mentioning about it just in general and especially when it comes to your journey here Well,

I always dreamed of it of being in the entertainment industry and more the business side of it I used to watch Barbara Wolters on my beanbag chair in my basement on my belly and Initially,

I wanted to go to New York City as quickly as I could and I did end up going there and eventually was invited to LA for what I thought was a great career move and it was But ultimately it was to meet one of my greatest gurus And by guru,

I mean the word teacher but um,

Yeah,

Hollywood can be as nefarious as It's it's known to be there are a lot of Intense personalities wanting to climb upward and it was very difficult for me having come from New York City where people are very Straightforward,

I mean it's to the point of being brutal But you know where you stand a yes is a yes and a no is no and LA is like the expanding sandbox You'd imagine with the earthquakes rumbling through you just it's very hard To get connected and feel grounded initially going to LA and It back then was a one-trick town.

So people always wanted to know what connections you could make on their behalf Even close and inner circle it was really a big surprise to me But I was very focused and I didn't really fit the norm.

I never really understood corporate systems And I didn't know how to play that game.

I was too honest and outspoken and it actually Has served me Well right on so let's get started with you know,

The topic of your book here you know you connected with me about meditation too and There's quite a bit of trauma from what I understand I mean are significant amount to address and now,

You know What I know about trauma is is quite little is especially when it comes to more the professional space I mean one thing is we are born into this human body.

No one I Will think get through their entire life without some form of trauma and then it just escalates from there Right people have all the way to very atrocious severe debilitating trauma that should really only be I don't know I mean that that that requires a certain type of Professionality to address.

I mean my spiritual I mentioned this several times before my spiritual karate moves They just don't work on trauma the way they do on other things,

Especially,

You know more significant trauma I'm really fascinated by this topic as well because it's a really rich and complex topic There's a lot of things to to explore and say about it And I really don't feel confident in approaching it in so many manners other than to learn about it.

So That's what I'm here to do as well.

So from there take it away,

Right?

Yeah,

So so our commonality in meditation.

I'm so grateful I was first introduced in the the 90s a therapist.

I was saying was a longtime meditators practice for pasana and I remember being in her studio apartment for Half a day workshop and I thought I was gonna crawl out of my skin.

I thought it was the most ridiculous experience and process and Why was this important and what did it matter but in an intuitive piece of me knew?

That it had merit and it had value and I was still running on on overdrive a very maxed out central nervous system from trauma and I too didn't really understand trauma Until really,

You know,

Not even that long ago Maybe a decade ago that that it really started to to hit to the core of my being and now it's you know It's becoming a buzzword is a much like narcissism or the word mindset I truly have come to believe Josh and and through meditation That I'm in a big fat school room here that I volunteered for this learning experience and I found that that what's come into my path what I've been awake to and aware of and What I've chosen to move through rather than sit down and become a victim to has really all been a call for incredible soul evolution and so at this point,

I Am helping other people See their trauma From a new point of view.

It's not really for the faint of heart.

It's hard Not to point the finger and shame and blame at the one who dot dot dot fill in the blank But for me I found that that's just sitting eating the rat poison and expecting my challenger to drop over and when I've come to understand that This challenge or this challenger is here for reason and merit and purpose to help transform my belief system and understanding I've been able to go into a whole new zip code and It's been a literal new zip code,

But it's also been a figurative new zip code I'm I'm living a different experience.

I mean I was trained as as a child It's dog-eat-dog and no one is going to care for you.

You are going to have to fend For yourself,

And I think it was Marianne Williamson.

It was back in the 80s She was just teaching a course in miracles.

She was bunking with my girlfriend Tara on the Upper West Side of New York and Giving lectures in this church on the Upper West Side and she talked about coming in from the airport She had a horrible taxi driver who was just really combative and Negative obviously was having a rough day and she got out of the cab at the end of the ride and most people would have probably just slammed the door and gotten their medallion number and reported him,

But she tipped him double and she told us that when people are Combative they're actually crying out for love and That was the initial teaching that really started to twist My heart open And to unwind that nervous system.

So that was the start of the journey Well,

This is beautiful and I saw on your Instagram page where you're from what I understand because I read it too right Matt Kahn's The universe always has a plan so I know I had to I'm sorry.

I'm a little bit of a fanboy here.

I Especially a little bit less now,

But I had to go to in then this is a humble brag Iceland Before I met someone that actually being in the Midwest That's where I'm from right Midwest of the United States before I bumped into a yoga teacher in Iceland that had heard of Matt Kahn But so yeah,

I know right.

It's pretty pretty Yeah,

But now he's gaining a lot more popularity and really and he just some beautiful wisdom teachings to and all about the heart and empathic Sensitivity energetic sensitivity,

But the one thing from his teachings that Stick out now as you're talking about this and I do see all the wisdom and the perceptional shift in the way viewing this at the same time he says Abuse is never.

Okay,

Right Abuse is never.

Okay.

So now how do we if you can you I see you nodding here How do we balance that with abuse is never?

Okay with the perceptual shifts you've talked about now I could answer my own question here and say well That's after the fact right?

This is years down the road after boundaries have been established Well,

You're spot-on.

I mean the red flags of the remnants of my childhood surfaced early in my adulthood and by my early 20s,

I was getting clean and sober and later,

It became narcissistic abuse and unraveling the web around that type of abuse issue and I did spend many many years in all different types of therapeutic Modalities to come to understand that those involving my body more somatic Modalities were what really helped me shift on a cellular level But I also spent a great deal of time reflecting and going through the rage and the anger and the blackness that was cemented with barbed barbed wire going inward around my heart and For me it did take me a lot of exploration and a lot of time to authentically get to a place where I could stand on the other side and go into The perpetrators being and understand where they're coming from.

I mean my oldest brother and I We have some abuse between us and his whole childhood is Practically a blackout That's painful to me.

I have great compassion for my mother who was saddled with five children before she was 30 and Her father my grandfather was beaten almost to the point of death By a stepmother when he was very young and never recovered and perpetrated that abuse Onto my own mother and my father's side have their issues as well.

So this is years and It's in the lineage.

It's in the ancestry.

It's in the bloodline and That's why I feel the need to create conversation around it because honestly,

I was carrying around a bag of Shame and guilt and blame that it was the wrong bag for me to be carrying and Ultimately,

Yes,

I I have full forgiveness and I do engage with my family And I'm also checking in with myself Yeah around that but yes,

I do have Engagement a Very key word you said there that I have found helpful my own journey and that's somewhat controversial among folks is forgiveness Especially,

You know being raised in a Protestant background not really,

You know We just went to church on Sundays and I went to a Christian day school but other than you know Like a little bit of religion in the morning and then on that sometimes on the you know Churches that was never discussed any of that stuff.

It definitely wasn't told that I could forgive myself though And so now this is the other end of this.

I mean Well for once there's three-way forgiveness.

I see I can forgive Another I can ask for forgiveness and then I can forgive myself And what I found is that it can't be forced,

Right?

We can't force it,

Especially if you wanted to have it authentic.

It has to come like at the right time What is some of the wisdom you've gained around forgiveness and what kind of maybe advice could you offer people especially those struggling?

With that So I was going through a very bloody divorce It was almost like Josh perfect storm all the elements came together to get to this precipice and I held a year of no contact with A man that I had loved in the same.

I won't even say the same home.

I'll say it was a domicile and The rage around the injustice would come up within me and I would feel that rage like to the core of my being I didn't act it out But I allowed myself to feel it and then I did what I needed to do to dislodge and dissipate it It could have been going to the pool for a training session.

It could have been throwing kettlebells It could have been doing some of those somatic healing exercises that have worked for me and Then I could come back around to understand This lesson this divorce and this year process that it took was the universe Doing for me what I could not Do for myself.

I was Codependent on male attentions in second grade and Billy Fritz and here I was as a Full adult owning my own home and acting the same Scenario out.

So this man actually by taking me through this experience with him of this horrendous circumstance of divorce actually taught me my own self-worth and value as an Individual and that's when I gained that real compassion I mean I've been hip to inner child work since my 20s and Alice Miller and Drama of the gifted child that was you know in all the movies and pop culture back then Um,

I didn't really want to do that work It felt like it can waste a time and I don't really want to go there and then I saw full circle How important that is because I believe that inner child inside this heart is a glowing Piece of my soul that's here on this journey with me to help me through with compassion and with love beautiful and the thing I see with meditation when it comes to this and you're talking about rage and that's the one place where it's totally appropriate to just feel absolute and murderous rage because Ideally,

I'm alone.

Well,

Yeah Yeah it has to be of course you have to be alone and in silence where you can't act on that right and that can be deeply felt in the body and You know,

I'm sure you're familiar with Peter Levine stuff the vine stuff.

I haven't Delved too much into his stuff,

But you talked about the somatic practices for anyone not familiar with these The practicality of this could you maybe walk the audience through what you did around these or just anything in general?

As far as Practical exercises as well,

Maybe either from experience or just what you understand from these different modalities and techniques Yeah,

Well specifically on some of the somatic stuff.

I Would go into a pocket of trauma and locate it in my body I'm one who carries trauma within my body and I had years I mean,

I probably had 25 years of talk therapy when it was all said and done But what I and it was important to lay out that storyline.

It was important to connect with another individual and verbally Express my story but ultimately what I found was it served to retraumatize me and I was square back to where I was at the Starting gate through that work.

So by going into my body and feeling where is it?

It's in my solar plexus.

My solar plexus is at the top of my ribcage just below my heart What color is it?

It's orange with black spots and it's Stretching like an amoeba and there's no space and there's constriction and I am going to be Smothered I can feel it and there's terror and then I see is it current?

Is it past is it ancient?

Does it belong to me and Then I release it all I spread take it and spread it out release it all let it disseminate and then I put golden light from the divine in its place and That has really helped me so much shift on a cellular level Very cool.

Just plug my fiancee's work.

She's big into the golden light and It's especially in viewing it what there's so many different stages and processes and techniques to involve that as well I'm kind of more of the sensation feeling the sensations and whatnot.

So now you Reading a little bit about you beforehand You mentioned asking you about a moment of truth and truth is a big part of my journey Early seeking it right or seeking a seeker after truth now.

So what do you mean by finding a moment of truth?

Well,

There have been many With my husband.

I tried to hold that marriage together with duct-tape and gorilla glue long past the expiration date and I knew it I knew it even more than Intuitively I knew it in the physicality of my being But it took him to cross his arms after I thought we were coming to an agreement and say I'm hiring an attorney and filing for divorce and Then me getting this huge intuitive hit This is the universe doing for you what you cannot absolutely do for yourself and knowing that and holding on to that true To then be brave enough to walk through the scenario Regardless of the terror that ensued So yeah these moments of truth Like what they point to what I'm getting from you is is that deep profound courage involved in that?

I mean,

Yeah with the the relationship thing.

That's yeah,

That takes a lot of Strength and courage as well bravery.

I can imagine So the the other thing I wanted to ask about is you're an endurance athlete now,

This is Kind of far from where I'm from years ago I was starting to do CrossFit and then I did a complete 180 where I'm just doing meditation.

I did yoga for years,

Too.

And Yeah,

And fairly in decent shape,

But there's no way I haven't run in years What what do you do as an endurance athlete and tell me about that journey and how that informs the rest of your life Well,

I started running out of college and that turned into marathon running in New York City And then I found after about 10 to 12 years.

My body was Really hurting so here was here was the strategy Josh.

I'd spread it out Over three sports so I wouldn't have to just always be running I could be swimming and biking as well and Ultimately that caught up with me So I turned the focus strictly to swimming and I was training like an NC to a athlete and I sought out Olympians and world champions to train me even though I had not been a swimmer and Within four years.

I had a national ranking as a master swimmer and Then Josh I couldn't walk around my block and I had to have a whole nother false construct Drop for me to understand that again I was garnering self-worth from the outside in rather than the inside out and I'm glad you caught the lesson early and and easily because what I had to have is to be incapacitated with an impingement before I became ultimately willing to surrender and now I Do what feels good if I want to go on a hike I go on a hike if I want to train kettlebells I do it because it's fun.

If I want to sit and do yin yoga in peace.

I Do that and that's okay,

And that's enough if I don't want to do anything and I want to sit and binge watch something I do it and it's oh Hey Well,

Beautiful lovely and wonderful.

Yeah I will pat myself on the back for that one because yeah you hear these stories all the time of these people that identify most of their life with like a Sport or something and then one day comes along and they can't do it anymore the deeper thing this points to me too is maybe if I might go out maybe on a limb here and say a feminine program of worthiness and I know the masculine has the challenges with honor and respect and You're welcome to go into what you see around the masculine,

Too Would you like to say anything about this this worthiness thing because I see it time and time again in the feminine and You know,

Like I just want to say that the masculine has lots of challenges As well,

So you're welcome to go into those two not to start a gender divide here or anything And maybe we might garner some the audience might garner some wisdom.

You might have around this extra wisdom because you shared some yeah,

I think that I Really tended more towards the masculine to achieve no matter what I mean I remember shutting down my emotions.

I know when I did it I was a preteen and it was too painful to feel and to have to come in to understand my emotions later I give me a list and let me check him off as I go I barely knew happy sad glad mad Because the desire to achieve was so strong So I I've had to to work with that and then the yin the feminine energy has been really tough for me to surrender to and in my relationships I took on the masculine role and drug the masculine,

You know male behind me and I've had a look at that late in my adulthood and Open to my femininity and it's it's terrifying to feel any kind of vulnerability You know,

This is a really good point And at the same time as you probably know this frightening Vulnerability is also how we open the heart and how people can connect with us on deeper and deeper levels And yes,

I see the same thing very successful women a lot of times They have to take on this masculine role if they want to be successful in the way things have been I know it's changing a lot now,

But yeah,

That's the way it is Well Susan,

I think we should ought to start wrapping this up It was such a joy and a pleasure talking to you about this So what message would you like to leave with listeners as far as what I'd like to leave you with listeners?

Thank you for tuning in.

Thank you for listening to what Josh has to say It takes tremendous energy and finance and Creativity to create a podcast and most of them don't even last six episodes.

So he's killing it And he's also offering Incredible takeaways so hats off to Josh and my message my personal message to you from my heart Is that you are worthy?

You have value and you matter Beautiful Susan and may all beings everywhere realize awakening and be free