Building Happiness And Resilience

Focus on something strengthening.

What we know is that it's really all about our nervous system,

The way our day goes,

What's going on in our mind,

To a large extent our health,

And certainly our happiness.

We need to be able to be at least part of the time out of fight-flight-freeze in order for us to enjoy our days,

Enjoy our life.

And we have so many great tools.

We have breathing tools like getting in touch with our breath that helps to remind us that we're in our body now.

It also helps when we get in touch with our breath because we're probably going to relax our belly,

Take some deeper breaths.

And if we're familiar with diaphragmatic breathing and the importance of the continuity of the breath,

Of not holding our breath,

Then we're going to automatically move into a more soothing pattern with the breath.

So one of the things that we know about the nervous system is that when we're on itch or hypervigilant or afraid or anxious that our breathing patterns change.

By coming into a breathing pattern that's soothing and safe,

That signals safety to our nervous system.

Our mind starts to come down from the catastrophic thinking.

Our body starts to soften and relax.

So we get a positive feedback loop going.

Breath,

Working with the body,

We can definitely work directly with thoughts in the mind.

We notice that we're heading down that rabbit hole of catastrophic thoughts.

We could pull ourselves back.

And sometimes it's very compelling what's going on,

The fear,

Anxiety.

It's very compelling.

And other times it's not quite so intense.

But no matter what level of intensity,

We can up the level of the tools.

You know,

Naming,

Five things we see,

Of using our eyes,

Of distracting ourselves.

Reading out loud is very powerful in terms of bringing us back into this moment,

Which is what all of those tools do.

So when we come back into the moment,

We have the opportunity to realize in our body that there's no immediate threat here.

And we carry the history of our fear and anxiety in our body through our nervous system.

And it keeps intruding on the moment,

Which is a big part of what makes us suffer.

So working with the nervous system directly and knowing about the nervous system.

And of course there's a lot of physical things that we can do as well.

Holding our own hand,

Standing up and shaking,

Throwing the energy down into the ground.

There's so many different things we can do with our bodies too.

Today I wanted to really focus on a positive psychology aspect,

Which is developing new neural networks in the brain for positive,

For trust and connection.

Because if we're not in fight,

Flight,

Or freeze,

Sympathetic arousal or dorsal vagal,

Then we're in ventral vagal,

Which is the trust and connect state.

And we might have a little bit of fluidity between those states,

It's not an on-off switch.

But the more that we can cultivate that trust and connect state,

Come up out of fight,

Flight,

Or freeze,

And settle into trust and connect,

Then the happier we'll be,

Certainly.

The more we are open then to relationships.

We really can't function well when we're in fight,

Flight,

Or freeze,

And yet that's what many of us are in all the time,

To some degree or another.

As you're noticing your body and your breath,

Notice the impact of those words.

We usually have other thoughts about those thoughts.

It would be very natural for you to be thinking about your own personal experience with that.

Take a moment to sit with that.

How much am I in fight,

Flight,

Or freeze?

And how intense is it on a kind of a regular basis?

Is it a background?

Is it a foreground?

Do I catch myself in a chain of worry and anxiety a lot of the time?

Is it really more when something specific is coming up?

And this is really highly dependent,

Of course,

On our personal circumstances.

Some of us are in personal circumstances that are highly distressing,

That are difficult to work with.

And then,

Of course,

We all have the global pandemic and everything else that goes on in our lives.

So we're not giving ourselves a scorecard.

We're really just looking to see what's my present situation,

Not just in this moment,

But over the last few days,

The last few months.

Sometimes these challenging circumstances go on for years.

And don't forget to factor in all of the good.

Because of the negativity bias of the brain,

It's really natural to look at that and go,

Oh man,

I'm always really stressed.

So we could also bring forward the times when we were really settled and enjoying ourselves.

And it might be we were out for a walk or with friends or something,

But it also might be that we were curled up in comfort watching Netflix or reading a favorite book,

Talking on the phone with somebody,

Petting your dog.

Nature is a big one for me and many of us.

And also,

Many of us have work that we're really engaged with and that we get into the flow.

And this could be paid work,

It could be something else.

It could be creative work,

It could be volunteer work.

So our sense of meaning and contributing to the world is also part of the positive side.

We get really engaged in what we do,

It's very satisfying.

Tune into that if there's any of that,

Or to what extent there is of that.

And Dr.

Rick Hansen talks about the small things,

We nourish the small moments.

You might have work that you don't particularly enjoy.

For many years,

I worked in restaurants and bars as waitstaff,

And I can't say it was work that I loved.

But there was a connection there,

I was able to smile with people and connect with them.

And as I look back on that,

It wasn't all sore feet at the end of the night.

There was a lot of wonderful things about it too.

What is that for you?

What are some of the positives?

And as you're focusing in,

Pick one and just really focus in on it specifically.

It could be something really big,

But if it is really big,

See if you can bring it down a little bit to be really specific.

So for me,

It might be that I really enjoy working with people and helping them heal with their trauma.

So that's a pretty big statement,

But maybe I could bring that to one specific person.

Or maybe I could bring it to working every day with this group,

Coming online and doing this practice together.

I really enjoy this.

So whatever that is for you,

Let something come to mind,

Something that's satisfying.

And let yourself breathe,

Relax your shoulders.

Notice the sensations,

The energy in your body.

And notice your mind.

Has your mind already gone off into,

Well,

That's not such a big deal,

Or some kind of criticism,

Or something else entirely?

Just notice what's going on in your mind.

Bringing it back.

I'm just going to do this for a few more minutes.

It's not going to take that long.

But as you're doing that,

Notice this particular situation,

These moments,

This person,

This work I'm doing,

When I'm creative and I paint,

Whatever it might be for you,

I really find that satisfying and fulfilling.

Kind of bringing back the feeling of that.

And then you could let yourself move on to another component of happiness.

What are some of the activities that make you happy?

Again,

It could be something really simple like breathing in the fresh air after a rain,

Or at the beginning in the middle too,

A hike or a walk.

Could be when you're really feeling down and somebody reaches out to help you,

To hug you,

To connect with you.

Over the next few minutes,

We're going to take,

You know,

Each 20 or 30 seconds,

A minute or two if you want.

Let yourself scroll through your mind.

Bring these memories to mind and let yourself really focus in on them.

Right now we're not trying to be balanced and consider the bad as well as the good.

We're really just focusing in on the good.

Just the positive things,

The things that make our heart kind of warm.

So keep in touch with your breath,

With your body,

And when you notice your mind has gone off into something else or it's losing interest,

Then bring something else up.

What else brings you happiness?

And really soak it in the sights,

The sounds,

The smells,

The textures,

The touch,

Maybe tastes.

In between,

Come back to the pleasure that's here in your body right now.

Maybe there's a bit of a softening of your muscles,

Your breath might be more enjoyable.

Let your belly soften as you breathe out.

And if it feels right,

Just take in some deep inhales.

Really notice how you could be good for your body when you do that.

You could oxygenate your brain.

All the cells of your body need oxygen.

Keep bringing to mind people or animals or places in nature,

Types of activities,

Interactions.

And if you want,

You could start to bring in times of resilience.

It could be physical,

Could be emotional,

Social.

Bring to mind a situation that was challenging or it might be an ongoing challenging one.

But for this,

It might be those moments in the longer challenge when you were really kind and attentive to someone who needed your help,

Even when you weren't particularly wanting to do that.

You rose to the occasion.

And maybe you could be looking at those times when you said that hard thing.

So our mind might go to all the times we didn't say it or that we should have said it sooner or something like that.

Try to stay in the positive for a moment more.

I took a deep breath and I said whatever it is that you wanted to say or maybe you were setting a boundary.

And let yourself feel in your body right now the strength and the resilience of that.

And then bring to mind as our last example,

Times when you didn't turn on yourself,

Times when you were on your own side.

So it might be that you did something that was a mistake or that you caused somebody harm.

And instead of giving yourself a vicious inner critic shame storm,

You were able to fairly quickly come into kindness and compassion for yourself.

Like everybody else,

I get to make mistakes and maybe I need to make reparations or something,

But I don't have to shame myself.

I could be kind.

Bring to mind sometimes when you were on your own side.

Notice what that feels like in your body,

In your heart.

And then come back into breathing,

Noticing your body,

Open your eyes,

But just notice how you feel now compared to the beginning of the practice.

And then come back into breathing,

Noticing your body,

Open your eyes,

But just notice how you feel now compared to the beginning of the practice.