Hello,
I invite you to close your eyes if that feels comfortable for you.
Just settle yourself however you normally do.
Just take your time to get yourself comfortable,
For your body to feel relaxed,
For you to feel settled.
Just notice the thoughts,
Allow them to come and go.
You don't have to control anything.
I want you to visualize yourself as if you were looking in a mirror.
Are you standing,
Sitting?
How do you stand?
How do you sit?
What might you be wearing in your reflection?
See yourself in these clothes.
Notice any hairstyle you might have in this reflection.
What's your body language saying in this reflection?
Are you relaxed,
Tense?
What does your face look like?
What do you notice about yourself in this reflection?
What can you tell by the facial expressions,
By the set of your mouth,
Or the eyes,
The jaw,
The forehead?
How do you think you are doing by looking at this reflection?
And bring to mind now an occasion when you people-pleased.
Who was it that you were trying to keep happy?
Your partner?
Your boss?
A parent?
A sibling?
A friend?
Try and picture the details around that.
Where were you?
Were you at home?
At work?
Somewhere else?
How was it done?
Was it done in person?
Over the phone?
By email?
What was it you did or said that made you a people-pleaser in that moment?
And what was your truth in that moment?
What did you really want to say?
What did you really want to do?
What's the truth?
Be really honest here.
And why didn't you?
Were you scared?
What were you scared of?
Take a moment to really think about this.
What were you scared of?
Them being angry with you?
You hurting their feelings?
What does it feel like to not be able to speak or act out of your truth?
When you think about that time when you were a people-pleaser,
How do you see yourself?
What words would you apply to yourself at that time?
Are those words negative?
Are they judgmental?
Are they harsh?
Let's go back to why you didn't act or speak out of your truth in that moment.
Can you begin to soften around the edges a little towards yourself?
Instead of maybe seeing yourself as weak or judging yourself harshly or getting angry and frustrated with yourself,
Is it possible to bring a little compassion and gentleness towards yourself?
Can you see yourself in that moment?
Picture yourself as if you were looking at yourself as an outsider.
Can you witness the angst that was within you?
Any self-judgment?
Any shame?
Any frustration?
What do you notice that this does to your body?
Does your posture change?
Do your shoulders slump?
And your facial expressions?
How do these emotions affect your face?
Still staying as this witnesser,
The observer of these things,
Can you drop down into your heart place,
A soft and tender place?
Here there is no space for judgment and harshness.
It cannot reside here.
So just stay in this soft and warm place for a moment.
And now from that place,
When you look at yourself,
What could you say to yourself?
Could you acknowledge that you see that you are scared?
Could you tell yourself it's okay?
For now it's okay?
Can you help remove that shame and self-judgment?
Just for now,
Just in this moment,
Keep observing from the witnesser,
From that soft space of the heart.
And any time you see judgments coming back in or any negativity,
Know that this is not from this space.
You've moved back into the head space.
And come back,
Come back to the heart.
Do this as many times as you need to,
So that you see yourself from this place,
With eyes of tenderness and love.
Keep speaking words of affirmation and reassurance until you notice the changes in the body,
Until you see the posture changing.
And the shoulders lift,
Until you see the shame or frustration begin to dissipate from the face.
Take as long as you need here.
Stay in this space for as long as you need,
Offering gentle and tender presence towards yourself.
We are often so used to beating ourselves up for what we see as our weaknesses,
That we never consider the harm that this does to us.
Imagine if a parent or a colleague or a partner constantly pointed out our faults,
Incessantly judging and criticising us.
This would be considered emotional abuse.
So why are we okay with doing it towards ourselves?
Dr.
Bradley Nelson,
The author of the Emotion Code,
Says that shame is the lowest vibration of all the emotions and can lead to guilt and depression.
In the Christian story of Adam and Eve,
It showed that because of shame,
They hid.
That's what shame can do.
It can make us withdraw,
Shrink back,
Hide from others,
Turn to self-hatred.
This is serious.
The serious is not the people pleasing.
It's what comes after that,
What might come from it.
Christine Neff says in her wonderful book,
Self-Compassion,
Self-kindness means that we stop the constant self-judgement and disparaging internal commentary that most of us have come to see as normal.
It requires us to understand our foibles and failures instead of condemning them.
It entails clearly seeing the extent to which we harm ourselves through relentless self-criticism.
She also says this involves much more than merely stopping the self-judgement,
But involves actively comforting ourselves,
Responding just as we would to a dear friend in need.
That's what we've just done,
Actively comforted ourselves.
How did you find this?
Did you find it difficult?
Did you notice negativity creeping back in,
A non-acceptance of yourself,
An inability to do it,
Thinking you don't deserve any compassion,
You deserve the judgement?
This is a practice,
Just like you brushing your teeth,
Or meditating,
Or setting your alarm to get up on time.
It's not something you might just get in one time.
You have to keep doing it over and over and over again,
Actively,
Actively practising comforting yourself,
Actively practising self-kindness,
Actively changing the critical narrative towards yourself,
But also getting to the bottom of it.
Why do I people please?
What are the reasons?
Are you scared of being rejected?
Do you feel that you are not enough?
But before we can do any of this,
We need to have awareness.
We can't change these habits of self-criticism and beating ourselves up if we don't see it.
So can you begin to bring an awareness to this?
Maybe having a visual aid might help.
Having a clear jar,
And every time you notice self-judgement,
Harshness,
Criticism,
Adding something to this jar,
A marble or a piece of paper,
Anything,
Just something so that you can see how often you do this.
It might be a bit of an eye-opener for you.
And then once you have brought the awareness,
Then you can start the next part of this practice,
The self-kindness,
The active self-compassion.
Let me know how you did with this,
Whether you found it difficult,
What you noticed around the self-talk,
What you're going to do to move forward.
I'd really love to hear from you.
Thank you.
