How To Stop Being A Caretaker In Relationships

Hello,

I'm Noah Elkrief and today I'm gonna show you how to stop being a caretaker in your relationships.

So before I guide you through how to lose this painful pattern,

I want to talk about why I'm making the video and why it's important.

So if you've been a caretaker in relationship,

You may have experienced some of these,

You may be aware of it,

You may not be aware of it,

But here are some of the painful things that happen when we're a caretaker.

So one is,

It's an energy drain.

If we're constantly thinking about how to support our partner,

How to be there for our partner,

How to help our partner in some things,

It's draining our energy,

Consuming our time.

In addition,

It's victimizing the partner.

So when we're viewing them as needing our caretaking,

We're viewing them as a victim,

Which is disempowering them.

And as soon as we victimize and disempower our partner,

That hurts polarity with our partner,

Which blocks sexual attraction.

In addition,

We're not being authentic.

We're not really being our authentic selves.

It's blocking us from our joy,

Our lightness,

And our natural way of being,

If we're sort of leaving ourself and our own authentic desire and way of being to take care of our partner.

So it's blocking our happiness,

And it's bringing us down.

So it's possible to be caring,

Compassionate,

And not be a caretaker.

To either not be a caretaker with our current partner,

Or to not attract partners who need us to take care of them for them to be okay.

Does that sound familiar to you?

Do you recognize this in your relationships?

If so,

This video can be really,

Really helpful for you.

I'm going to guide you through a few different exercises to sort of approach this from different angles,

So that hopefully at least one of the angles is going to shift this pattern for you.

Not just in your current relationship,

But in relationships generally.

And it's going to help you with some things,

Even within yourself,

Separate from how you operate and feel in relationships.

So if the first exercise I guide you through isn't impactful,

Stick with it.

Keep watching the video until the end,

Because the other exercises and tactics might be really helpful,

Even if the first one or the second one isn't the right fit for you.

So let's dive into it.

So I want you to close your eyes.

This video will be a guided video.

So there'll be some explanation and some sort of guided exercises.

And the most important thing when I guide you through exercises is to honor your own limits.

I'm not there with you.

And so maybe what I guide you through is really intense.

If it's too intense,

Don't try to push through it and be brave and strong.

Take a break.

Be gentle with yourself.

And if it's too much,

Don't do it.

Okay?

Honor yourself.

Don't try to be brave and strong.

Okay,

So you can close your eyes.

And I want you to imagine yourself in relationship.

So it might be your current partner,

And it might be a previous partner,

When they weren't doing well.

And it might be that the pattern was that they weren't doing well emotionally,

Or maybe physically,

Like health-wise,

Or maybe practically they weren't on top of their stuff,

Job- wise,

Money-wise,

Whatever it is.

I want you to imagine them in a moment when they weren't doing well.

When it would normally activate your caretaking tendencies.

And I want you to feel in your body,

Or feel wherever it is,

How much you want to help.

How much you're so sorry that they're going through this.

I want to help.

I want to fix it.

I want to make it better.

Feel that.

The strength of that.

And just remember,

Like on a scale of 1 to 10,

How strong do you want to take care of them?

Make it better.

Fix them.

Improve them.

Do it for them.

Is it a 10 out of 10?

Like I need to help them.

I can't just let them do it on their own.

I can't let them suffer.

Is it a 1 out of 10?

Does it not feel very strong?

Perhaps because this imagery isn't activating the full potential of what you felt in the moment?

Or perhaps because the situation you're imagining isn't triggering enough?

Or just it's your caretaking isn't as strong as you think it is?

So just feel that.

And we're going to use this as a sort of reference point at the end of the video to see how it feels after we do the exercises.

So as you connect with this tendency,

And this feeling,

Or this compulsion to take care of your partner,

And your eyes are closed.

So most of this video I want your eyes to be closed.

To be staying in your experience,

In your body,

Of what it feels like.

I want you to shift out your partner from this imaginary story for a moment.

And imagine your mother or your father.

If your partner is a,

If your romantic tendency is for men,

Imagine your father.

If you are romantic with women,

Imagine your mother.

And I want you to imagine them in pain for a moment.

Them having a hard time.

And notice how you feel towards them.

Do you want to take care of them?

Do you want to push them away?

Just be curious.

What is my tendency towards my mother or my father?

Whoever I'm romantically interested in in gender.

Do I feel I have to help them?

They can't do it on their own.

Do I view them as a victim?

Or do I view them as totally capable?

Do I totally trust them to be able to do it themselves?

That they're strong,

Powerful,

Wise.

Just totally capable.

I don't need to help at all.

How do you view your parent?

And so for the vast,

Vast majority of us that are caretakers in relationships,

It's because we were a caretaker to our parent growing up.

So I want you to feel yourself as a child for a moment.

Connect with yourself as a child.

So maybe around five,

Six,

Seven years old.

If you can access it.

And I'm not asking you to think of a memory.

But more just imagine yourself at that age.

Looking at your mother or your father.

Just on a typical day.

Do you view them as capable?

Do you view them as strong?

Solid?

Do you view yourself as I can just play and have fun.

They don't need anything from me.

Or do you view it as I have to help and take care of them?

Maybe they're overwhelmed.

So I have to make sure I clean up.

Right?

Or maybe they're sad.

So I have to entertain them and make them happy.

Or maybe they're stressed.

So I have to make sure I don't act too crazy.

Because it will make them more stressed.

I want you to really check in at how you're adjusting yourself to take care of their emotional well-being.

And these things are so automatic.

So normalized.

Because you went through it your whole life.

That you may not be aware of it.

It may be obvious.

And it may be very subtle.

Because like if it's so normal we don't realize we're doing it.

But can I do anything I want?

And just be totally playful and happy or sad and angry.

Like can I have the full spectrum of experience?

Or do I have to hide and shift certain things to not bother them?

That if I'm scared it bothers them.

If I'm too happy it bothers them.

Right?

Or what happens if they're sad?

Do I go to take care of them?

What happens if they're having a hard time between each other?

Do I try to fix it?

Is my role the helper?

The trying not to create problems or trying to ease their problems?

Or am I just I totally trust that they're okay and I can just do whatever I feel?

So I'm gonna assume that for you if you're a caretaker in relationship.

Because I don't know what percentage.

But maybe 98% of people who are caretakers in relationships or caretaking for their parents.

And this is the root cause.

So moving on in this video we're gonna start there.

And some exercises might resonate and some might not.

But we're starting there.

So I want you to look at your younger child or be the younger child from the first person or third person perspective.

So six,

Seven,

Eight.

But whatever age feels good for you.

It might be two.

It might be ten.

Whatever age you can connect to the child feeling in any way responsible for mother or father's feelings.

In any way adjusting how they behave to take care of mother or father's feelings.

And I want you to say to this child.

So if you're being the child,

Imagine the adult you saying this to the little little you.

And if you're being the adult,

Imagine you're saying this to the little you.

And you say to this child,

You are the daughter.

You are not the mother.

You are the son.

You are not the father.

It is not your job to take care of your father.

It is not your job to take care of your mother.

It's your job to be the child.

To be the child means there's no responsibilities.

To be taken care of.

You're not meant to take care of your parents.

If you're taking care of them,

It means you're playing the role of mother or father.

And that's not your job.

Look how small you are.

Look how big they are.

You are the small one.

You're only but a child.

You are not the big one.

It's not your job to take care of them.

And just feel that.

Feel if that clicks.

Feel if there's any resistance.

And I want you to say,

If it resonates for you,

I revoke any agreement to be your caretaker mother.

I revoke any agreement to take care of you father.

It's not my job.

I need to be the child.

You are the father.

You are the mother.

I am but a small child.

I can't do this.

It's too much pressure on my system.

It's blocking me from the lightness and joy I'm meant to have as a child.

It's too much of an energy drain.

I can't do it.

I revoke any agreement to play the role of father or mother to you.

It's not my job in the family system.

And if they get upset with you,

Just see them acting out.

And maybe they're like,

I'll be mad at you.

You're afraid that your parents will be mad at you.

And in this moment,

In this moment,

We say,

No.

I see that you're sad.

I see that you're upset.

And we're standing up for the little child.

So maybe the little child is there and the mother or father is in front of them.

And then we're coming in as the adult and being the protector.

And mother or father is mad at the little boy or girl.

And we say,

Stop.

Enough.

Enough.

This is enslavement.

Enough.

Please stop.

This little boy deserves to be loved for being a child.

For being a child.

Not to be conditionally loved if he takes care of you and plays his father.

He's not your father.

This little girl is not your mother.

And it's not okay for you to express anger or try to intimidate him and punish him for playing the role of child which is what he is.

Enough.

I won't let you treat him that way.

I won't let you treat her that way.

And just see how that feels.

Take a moment here.

If you need to pause it.

I'm gonna move on to the next thing.

But if you want to pause and just sit with that and say that a few more times in different ways,

That's also welcome.

So the second tactic we want to look at is kind of the victimizing arrogance tendency.

So for a moment,

I want you to look at your parent.

And at this point,

Maybe you're a teenager.

11,

12,

13,

Whatever it is.

I want you to look at the parent who you're caretaking for.

And I want you to be honest with them.

Completely honest.

What you would never say in real life.

And so it might sound something like,

I view you as a victim.

I view you as weak.

I view you as fragile.

I view you as not able to able to handle your own life on your own.

I view you as an idiot.

I view you as stupid.

I view you as incapable of being a mother or father.

I view you as unwise and unable to handle your own emotions.

I view you as unresourceful and not capable of dealing with the varied problems that show up in your life.

And that's why I feel I need to take care of you.

Because I view you view you so negatively,

So inferior to me,

That I feel you need me to take care of you.

And that might sound harsh.

But is that inside of you?

For most of us caretakers,

We think we're being caring and loving.

But underneath it,

The reason why we're caretaking is,

I view you as not capable of taking care of yourself.

That's why I think you need me.

Because I view you as stupid,

Unwise,

Unresourceful,

Weak,

Fragile,

Or whatever I view you as.

That's why you need me.

So let's really let it out and be confronted with our own arrogance.

I am superior to you.

That's why I think you need me.

I'm great in these ways.

I'm capable.

I can handle it.

But you can't.

You are inferior to me.

That's why you need me to take care of you.

If I were to just sit back,

You would fall apart.

You would be a mess.

You would get sick.

You would get depressed.

You would ruin everything.

Try to be as honest with you as you can in this.

And it can be confronting and it can be painful.

But it's important to let it out.

To really see how much this is just victimizing the other,

Disempowering them,

And being superior and arrogant for your own ego.

That actually the caretaking is partially arrogance.

Partially fueled by our own ego to think I'm above them.

And so you might think you're helping them and taking care of them.

But actually energetically,

If they're in front of you and you're energetically,

You're helping them physically,

Taking care of them.

Maybe even energetically trying to absorb their pain and make their life easier.

But energetically at the same time,

The energy you're giving off and sort of projecting onto them is you're weak,

You're stupid,

You're inferior,

You can't do it on your own.

And that is empowering their victim energy,

Their worthlessness,

Their insecurity,

Their lack of belief in themselves.

So energetically you are disempowering this person.

In this case your parent,

But at the same time or in the current moment in your relationships.

So really go through that and say that to your parent.

Say the honest truth and realize that that's your energy every time you're going to help them.

And then recognize I'm sorry.

I don't want to disempower you mother.

I don't want to view you as weak father.

I don't want to make it be a hindrance and a block in your path to actually being capable and being independent or self-reliant.

Which leads me to just one other thing about not being a parent or not playing the role of parent is that our parents,

If they need help,

If they can't do it on their own,

They need to get help from another adult.

Not from their child.

So they don't have to be fully independent and self-reliant and capable of doing everything on their own.

But if they can't do something,

They need help from another adult.

Not from their child.

Especially emotionally.

But in all ways.

So you're saying I'm sorry to mother or father.

I'm sorry for disempowering you.

I'm sorry for viewing you as so weak.

And if it's hard for you to say that because it's so strong how much you view them to be weak,

Emotionally inept,

Stupid,

Whatever it is.

Stop for a moment and recognize this person,

This parent of yours,

They might not be as wise or as smart as resourceful as you in some ways.

But they went through a whole freaking life that was probably a lot harder than you and they persevered without you.

Before you were born,

They persevered through a whole lot of shit that was probably harder than what you had to go through.

So even though it was hard,

Challenging,

Emotionally difficult,

Physically difficult,

They pushed through and made it through without you.

They are strong.

They do persevere.

They do find ways to survive and perhaps even to thrive in some ways.

They had a child,

You,

And they took care of you.

Maybe not well as you wanted to,

But you survived.

And they made it.

And they took care of you.

They provided shelter and food.

Right?

Hopefully.

So see their strength of perseverance.

See their resourcefulness that they made it.

They made it however many years,

30 years before you were born.

And they made it actually not just taking care of themselves those 30 years before you were born,

But also they took care of you.

So they took care of themselves and you for the first many years of your life.

So start to try to see their resourcefulness,

Their intelligence,

Their perseverance,

Their strength in ways that maybe you never would have realized that they are and that they have.

And if you can say,

I'm sorry,

I'm done viewing you as a victim that needs my help.

I see maybe you don't,

That you didn't need it before I was born.

And you took the additional thing of taking care of me.

So maybe you're not as weak and fragile and inept and stupid as I thought you were.

Now,

I'm going to,

I'm going to invite you to do the same thing with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

So look at them.

But not now,

You can pause the video.

So on your own,

I want you to do the same thing,

That same exercise with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

And say the truth.

You're stupid.

I view you as stupid,

Weak,

This,

This,

This,

This.

And then say,

I'm sorry for viewing you in those ways.

And I understand that that's disempowering you and actually hurting your capacity to be strong,

Smart and capable.

And I don't want to do that to you.

So you can pause the video and do that with yourself.

And I'm going to move on to the third tactic.

So the third tactic is,

And this is maybe the most painful one.

I think it's the most painful one.

And that is part of the reason why we caretake for our partners and parents is because we just cannot see them in pain.

We cannot.

So in this exercise,

The invitation is to see them in pain.

So I want you to close your eyes.

And I want you to look at your mother or father in pain.

Okay.

Whatever is the normal kind of pain that you would try to caretake for them.

So if they're feeling overwhelmed,

And you would try to adjust your behavior so they don't feel overwhelmed,

Or if they're sad,

And then you try to entertain them.

Or if they're lonely,

And then you go to give them hugs to help them not feel lonely.

Or if they're angry,

And then you,

Whatever,

You get the idea.

I want you to look at your mother or your father in pain.

But in deep pain,

Like maybe they didn't show it.

So a lot of our parents didn't outwardly express their pain,

But it was inside of them,

And we could feel it,

Sense it.

So I want you to imagine,

For example,

Your mother feeling deeply lonely.

Maybe because father wasn't around,

Or from her childhood,

Or whatever it is.

But then she's showing it.

And just see it.

Or maybe it's fear.

You're watching your mom in deep fear,

Or overwhelm,

Or terror,

Or sadness.

This is about your father.

And just look at them.

And just feel.

It's so hard to see you in pain.

It's so freaking hard.

Ow.

Ow.

I don't want to see you in pain.

I can't see you in pain.

Lie to me.

Hide it from me.

Anything.

I cannot see you in pain.

And just keep expressing how it feels for you to see them in pain.

To let it out of your system.

And maybe you have to breathe intensely.

So I don't want to see you in pain.

I don't want to see you in pain.

I can't see you in pain.

I'd rather die.

I'd rather die.

I don't want to see you in pain.

Really let yourself see your mother or father in deep pain.

Maybe they're in grief.

Maybe they're in frustration.

Whatever it is.

Maybe they're just like in defeated depression.

But just witness them in it.

Without trying to fix it.

Without trying to help them.

Just let them be in pain.

Love them in their pain instead of trying to fix their pain.

So you might say,

I'm so sorry you're in pain.

I'm so sorry you're in pain.

I'm so sorry you're in pain.

I don't want you to be in pain.

I don't want you to be in pain.

It's really painful to look at our parents in pain.

And I want you to imagine this at different ages.

So imagine being the five-year-old and looking at your mother in pain.

And just feel like this.

I can't handle it.

I can't handle it.

I can't handle it.

It's too much for my little body.

It's too much.

Too much.

Too much.

Too much.

But as you're saying too much,

You're letting out some of the too muchness.

As you're saying,

I can't handle it.

I can't handle it.

I can't handle it.

You're letting out that old remnant,

I can't handle it,

The intensity of it.

So for the little five-year-old,

It was too intense,

Right?

Too much emotion.

So we suppress that and keep it.

And then we still think it's too much emotion as an adult,

But it's not.

We just have to let out that remnant intensity from our childhood that we couldn't bear to see our parents in pain.

And then we project that onto our romantic partner,

That we cannot see them in pain,

Whether you realize it or not.

I'm making this video because I just discovered another layer of caretaking in me that I didn't know existed,

Which was that I couldn't see my partner in pain.

And I didn't know I had that in me.

So it's subtle,

It's sneaky.

So I want you to imagine this at different ages with different emotions.

So your parent is also at a different age,

Right?

So if you were five,

30 years ago,

Then you're looking at your mother 30 years ago,

Or your father 30 years ago,

And just visualize the type of pain they were in.

And you might have to guess or imagine it or intuitively sense what type of pain they were in.

And just I'm so sorry,

I'm so sorry that you're in pain.

I'm so sorry you're in pain.

I don't want you to be in pain.

I'll do anything to get rid of it.

And you're just letting it out,

Expressing,

Expressing your sorriness,

Your compassion,

And expressing the too muchness,

Or I'm scared to see you in pain.

It's all about expressing how you feel about witnessing them in pain.

And this can be intense.

This can be really intense,

Really intense.

But take it slow.

And you might have to do this in doses.

Right?

So maybe you just do it for 10 seconds,

And then you take a break for five minutes,

Then come at it for another 10 seconds.

Don't push yourself if it's too much.

You know,

Like,

For me,

Even it felt like it can feel like I want to die.

Like I can't handle this level of pain.

I want to die.

That's how intense it is.

And,

And so we have to just do it in doses,

Small doses.

Yeah.

So once you've done that,

I invite you to do that with your romantic partner.

And it could be your current partner.

And you might want to do this with every single one of your exes that you played the caretaker role for.

So you're looking at them depressed,

Like,

I can't see you depressed,

I can't see it,

Or you're looking at them fail at their job,

Or you're looking at them miss a meeting,

Or you're looking at them sad,

Or you're looking at them overwhelmed.

And just let yourself see it.

Like really let yourself see it in front of them the full facial expression if they were to allow it.

Because I know most of our most people just deny and hide how they really feel.

But if you could really,

Really see it in full expression,

How much pain they're in,

And she's like,

Oh,

I don't want to see you in pain.

I love you.

I don't want to see you in pain.

I love you.

I care about you.

I can't stand to see you in pain.

And we have to let ourselves feel this and let out our pain of seeing them in pain.

Because then if we don't do this,

Then when we're helping our partner,

When we're caretaking for a parent,

We're not doing it actually from love.

We're doing it to get away from our own pain.

So I can't bear to see you sad.

It hurts me.

I feel pain inside witnessing this.

So I'm going to give it my energy to help you so that I don't have to feel pain.

And this isn't clean.

And this isn't loving.

And this isn't authentic.

And it doesn't serve anyone.

Yeah,

So take some time to do that.

And then you can pause the video and go into that and move on to the next one.

This,

I guess,

Is number four.

Yeah.

So this one is a little bit disappointing.

Sorry to take you towards pain,

But it will help,

I hope.

Sorry.

Okay.

Um,

Where was I?

Yes,

I'm going to take you towards disappointment and sadness and hopelessness.

So you can close your eyes and and again,

Look at your mother or father in pain.

And I want you to notice that desire to help,

Which is a beautiful,

Caring,

Loving desire comes from love.

I don't want to see my mom or dad in pain.

The underneath that is love and care,

Right at the source at the root.

But unconsciously,

What we do as a child,

Once we don't want to see our parent in pain,

Is energy.

We try to help.

So what we try to help,

We might adjust our behavior.

We might give our energy,

Like our happiness,

Our light.

We might absorb their energy,

Trying to take away their pain.

We can do a whole bunch of different things.

And what we have to acknowledge,

Even though it can be so,

So sad,

Is is nothing I could possibly do would actually remove their pain.

So if if me being loud and happy bothers them and frustrates them and overwhelms them,

If I don't do it,

I'm not triggering them.

But it does nothing to address their actual pain inside.

So every time that our behavior seems to cause our parents pain,

It's not.

It's actually just triggering pain that's already in them.

Trauma from their childhood,

Suppressed emotions from their whole life,

Beliefs inside their head,

False conclusions that create their pain.

We're just triggering it.

So if we adjust all our behaviors,

Then we don't trigger it.

But that pain is still in them,

Getting triggered by other situations and still blocking.

Even when a trigger,

Even when our pain is not being actively triggered,

It's still limiting our upper limit of our joy and happiness and all the good stuff.

So when we're adjusting our behavior or when we're trying to give our positive energy to them,

Our happy energy,

Our alive energy,

Our playful energy,

Our calming energy,

We're not actually addressing their pain.

We're not resolving their loneliness or their sadness or their depression.

We're just temporarily maybe distracting them from it or maybe easing the trigger.

But no matter what you do,

You can't remove their pain.

And we so innocently as children try to take on their pain.

Like,

I don't want to see you in pain.

I'll take it on myself.

But what happens is this pain just multiplies into us.

It doesn't remove it from them.

So what I want you to do right now is to deeply acknowledge,

Like,

Whatever emotions that they went through,

Whatever difficulty there went through your parents,

That you wanted to caretake for them.

Just see if you can acknowledge,

I can't actually remove this pain from them.

I can't remove the belief in their head that creates their low self-worth.

I can't remove the trauma from their childhood that makes them so stressed and anxious all the time.

I can't remove the suppressed emotions that make them feel lonely.

I don't have the capacity to remove those beliefs,

Traumas,

And suppressed emotions from their mind and body.

So I can't actually address the root.

If they want to be happy,

If they want to feel better,

They're going to have to do it themselves.

And if their issue is physical,

Right?

So if their issue is health-wise,

There's nothing I can do.

And if their issue is with work and how they relate to money and how they relate to all these types of other things physically,

Like they always show up late,

I can't address their intellect.

I can't address the roots of their patterns,

Their money patterns,

Their money beliefs,

Their work patterns,

Their work beliefs,

Things that were passed down to them.

I can't address how they behave in all these things.

So if I tell them what to do,

If I support them to do it differently,

It's always just a temporary change.

It's not addressing the roots.

So I'm not really improving them or healing them or making them a more happy,

Healthy person.

I'm just kicking the can down the road.

So I want you to deeply acknowledge,

First for your mother or father and then for your boyfriend or girlfriend,

I don't have the power to remove the roots of their painful emotions,

Beliefs,

Thoughts,

Patterns,

Behaviors.

I just don't have that power.

So I let go of trying to remove their pain.

I will no longer try to remove your pain because I know it won't work.

I will no longer put so much energy to try to make you happy or successful or functional because I know it won't work because it's not in my power.

I don't have the capacity to remove the roots of your painful behaviors,

Patterns,

And emotions.

And of course,

Going back to the other one,

And it's not my job because I am the child or in romantic cases,

I am the boyfriend,

The girlfriend,

The wife,

The husband,

Not the mother,

Not the father.

And so then do that with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

So you did it with your parent and then take some time to do it with your boyfriend or girlfriend to realize.

And it might be useful to go back to your exes to really acknowledge.

It wasn't like a personal defect that you couldn't help them,

But you are actually just wasting so much time and energy trying to do something you couldn't actually do.

So it feels disappointing and helpless to acknowledge I can't do it,

Right?

I can't help them.

But it's much more enjoyable to admit I can't help them than to spend endless time and energy trying to do something that's impossible to do.

Okay,

So if you need more time to go through this with your mother and father or boyfriend and girlfriend or your exes,

Pause the video and take your time to do it.

So the last one we're going to go into,

Number five,

Is a fear that if I don't caretake for them that they'll leave me.

They won't love me and they'll leave me.

That I have no value.

That basically my primary value is that I help them.

That if I'm not helping them with their emotions,

Their life,

Their situations,

Their work,

Something,

Then they're not going to want me.

And this is so painful.

This is really,

Really painful because underneath that is a lack of self-worth.

That I don't deserve a loving,

Beautiful relationship unless I'm helping and caretaking.

That no one would just want me just for me.

No one would just love me and want to be in a relationship just because I'm nice to be with or fun or or they love me just for who I am or we get along or whatever.

The only reason anyone would want to be with me is because I help them.

This is painful and the root of it,

As always,

Practically always,

Is our parents.

So I want you to go back to being a child and feeling my mom needs me.

My dad needs me.

I'm helping them.

I'm helping them with the dishes.

I'm helping them clean the house or I'm helping them with my younger sister or my younger brother or I'm helping them by not being too much trouble or I'm whatever the case may be.

I'm helping them all,

You know,

Work to make money so I help them.

And just feel they need me.

They need me.

I'm helping.

They need me.

I'm taking care of my dad's loneliness.

I give him hugs.

Taking care of my mom's sadness.

I make her smile and I entertain her.

They need me.

And then let's just acknowledge all the previous exercises.

I won't take care of you because I'm not your mother.

I'm done.

I won't take care of you because I'm not going to view you as a victim and that I'm better than you.

I'm done.

I won't take care of you because I know taking care of you isn't going to solve your pain,

Isn't going to address the roots of it.

I'm done.

I won't take care of you anymore because now I'm capable of seeing you while you're in pain.

I'm done.

I want you to just take care of me.

You don't need me.

You don't need me,

Mom.

You don't need me,

Dad.

If you feel sad or lonely or frustrated,

You can handle it.

You persevere through those emotions a million times.

They're not going to kill you.

You survived through all those emotions throughout my whole before I was born for all the years and then after I was born for all the years.

Your emotions aren't going to kill you.

You don't need me.

If you want help for those emotions,

You can find it from an adult or Google.

You don't need me.

And just to let yourself feel that fear.

Oh no.

And maybe you don't have it,

But if you do,

That if they don't need me,

They're not going to give me love.

They don't need me.

Maybe they're going to leave me and not going to give me food and shelter.

And just let yourself feel that.

I'm scared.

I'm scared.

I'm scared.

I'm scared.

Just express it.

I'm so scared.

I'm so scared.

And let it out.

And see if you can visualize that fear leaving.

And maybe it's through your breath or maybe you visualize it sort of pouring out from your chest or your mouth of like.

Let out that fear.

I'm scared they're going to leave me.

I'm scared they're going to leave me.

I'm scared they're going to leave me.

I'm scared they're going to leave me.

And then tell them.

Tell the younger you.

I'm whatever,

38,

38 years old.

I come from the future.

And I want to tell you that they don't leave you.

I know the future.

You make it.

You survive.

You're safe.

They take care of you.

They give you food and shelter the whole time.

You're safe.

They never needed you.

But they took care of you.

And if you feel safer with it,

You can come live with me.

I want you to see my life.

Let me show you where I live.

Let me give you a tour of my house,

My daily routine.

I'll take care of you.

I'll be the mother or father to you or both.

And I don't need anything from you.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I don't need anything from you.

So let me take you out of that house.

Imagine opening the door from that house,

Stepping outside.

And we can hold hands as you do it.

And slowly walking away from that house.

And looking back at that house from a distance and saying,

You don't live there anymore.

It's over.

It's over.

You don't need to take care of them anymore.

It's over.

I'll take care of you.

You're safe.

It's over.

You can come live with me now.

It's over.

You don't need to take care of them.

They can survive without you.

They did it before you were born.

They did it after you left.

They took care of themselves and you and your siblings.

They're not as weak as you think.

And just because they don't need you,

It doesn't mean they're going to abandon you or leave you.

To be loved,

Love is unconditional.

And if there are conditions on it,

It's not love.

So if you have to help them for them to love you and take care of you,

It's not love.

It's an exchange.

If I give them this,

They'll give me that.

That's not love.

And I'm so sorry if that's what you felt your whole childhood.

I'm so,

So sorry if you felt the only way my parents will love me and take care of me is if I take care of them.

You didn't deserve that.

That's mean and disrespectful.

Every little child deserves to get breast milk and food and cuddles and blankets and all the nice things without needing to do anything in return.

You deserve love just for breathing and being the beautiful soul that you are.

And if you have to do something to earn it,

Then it's not love.

And I'm sorry that maybe one or both of your parents had so much trauma and pain from their whole life that they weren't the open-hearted being that you needed them to be.

That maybe the only way that they could give kindness is if you first did something for them.

Maybe you never really even felt genuine open-hearted love.

And I'm so sorry.

But right now,

It's time to give this little you some open-hearted love.

So let the adult you talk to the little you.

I'm here for you,

And I love you.

I'm here for you,

And I care about you.

And you don't need to do anything to earn my love and care.

Because I see you.

I feel you.

I sense you.

I am here with you.

This is what you deserve.

This is what you deserve.

I don't want you to ever feel that you have to do something to earn my love.

And if you don't do good things,

That I will leave you.

That I will withhold my love or punish you.

This is not nice.

But I understand that if your mother or father treated you this way your whole life,

Then this is what you expect.

But it's time to create a new pattern.

A new way of relating to caretaking.

So as a child,

You need to do absolutely nothing to get love and care.

I don't need you.

And the truth is your parents didn't need you either.

But maybe they believed that they did.

Or you believed that they did.

And that was wrong.

And that wasn't respectful of your childhood and your childness.

Okay.

So I invite you to open your eyes when you're ready and come back to me in my eyes.

I know the pain.

I know the pain of spending a childhood feeling like I have to take care of my parents.

Feeling like I can't handle their pain.

Seeing them in pain.

To feel like it's my job to take care of them.

To feel like they'll be mad at me if I don't take care of them.

To feel they might leave me if they don't need me and I don't take care of them.

I know how painful it is.

And I know how it can make us attract partners who are like our parents.

Who need us.

Who we need to take care of so we can feel valuable.

So we can feel the safety.

If they need me they'll never leave me.

But this is a false sense of safety.

And it significantly decreases the upper limit of what's possible in romantic relationships.

Because now it's not based on love.

But it's based on an illusion of safety.

Yeah.

So that's all I'll say.

This was quite a long video.

And but just the last thing that I said.

If you have fear of your partner leaving.

I have another video about that.

So you can watch that.

And that can then help you to be more authentic and not do the caretaking as well.

I really hope this video helped you.

And please let me know.

Please let me know in the comments if it was valuable for you.

How it impacted you.

If you have any question you can ask.

If you have any other relationship dating subjects you want me to make a video about.

You can also share it in the comments.

And yeah.

Like the video.

Subscribe.

And I also offer one-on-one sessions and online courses.

So you can check them out in the description.

I hope this helped.

And I hope you have a beautiful day.