Tender Revolution Ep. 15: Secrets Of The Walls Within Us

Welcome to The Tender Revolution.

I'm Katherine Liggett.

Ever since I can remember,

I've felt considerable tension in my body,

Particularly in the jaw,

But also in my neck and upper back.

When I was a little girl,

I used to grit my teeth involuntarily whenever I would encounter something vulnerable,

Whenever I would play with a little dog or an animal,

A baby of any kind,

My little brother.

I would be like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with teeth clenched,

Bracing perhaps against a fight that I didn't have any permission to have,

But somehow resided deep within my being.

Sometimes when I have a tender interaction with my baby daughter,

I'll catch myself again,

Reflexively with my teeth clenched.

And something that really pains me is that from time to time,

I even see this in her.

I see her reach out to me and clench her teeth.

And seeing this behavior in her made me truly commit to resolving this within myself once and for all.

Because really,

Why?

Why am I bracing in the most tender,

Loving moments?

Why is my body preparing for battle when it would make the most sense to soften and receive the love that's here,

The love of my most intimate family,

Of my daughter?

And so I've been doing quite a bit of somatic work and exploration lately around the tension in my jaw.

And this morning I was journaling and this is what came out of me.

The bracing inside is the no I didn't have.

The bracing inside is the no I didn't have.

What this means to me is that from the earliest age,

Something in me felt extremely vulnerable,

Unprotected,

Exposed.

And my body got the message,

Even though I couldn't tell you in words exactly why,

But my body got the message that it was up to me to protect myself and that it wasn't safe to be vulnerable and open.

And so when I encounter something or someone in the outside world that requests of me an openness and a vulnerability,

This aspect of me in my body shuts down.

Now there's so much in the spiritual and personal growth community about the value of opening,

That to be open is somehow better,

More spiritual,

That we should have this as our goal,

Right?

To be open,

To open our hearts and that that is synonymous with growth and with enlightenment,

Really,

Right?

This is the message that we get.

But the more I learn about trauma,

And the unbelievable innate intelligence of our bodies to protect ourselves,

The more I have come to deeply honor and respect closing.

And this includes this bracing against life,

Bracing against vulnerability.

The heart of shadow work for me is learning to accept and love our resistance.

And only in doing so,

Do we truly free ourselves and allow change to occur.

As Carl Jung said,

What we resist persists.

And so of course,

I apply this to the bracing as well.

And I ask myself,

How can I love this guardian of my most tender softness?

How can I love this part of me that's embedded in my nervous system that closes to keep me safe?

Because I know that only in loving this as totally as I can,

Will it then in turn be free to shift.

And as I sense inside to see what it needs,

I hear it tell me to embrace the no.

And that when I embrace my no,

In other words,

When I set the boundaries that my being needs to thrive,

Then it won't need to brace anymore.

And so I sit with this message.

And I honor and love this most wise guardian of my softness.

Thank you for protecting me when no one else did.

Thank you for providing the shield to my tenderness when I most needed it.

When I didn't have a shield outside of me.

Thank you for being the most loving guardian at the doorway to my heart.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Each and every one of us braces against life,

If not chronically,

Certainly from time to time.

And I wonder,

Where is that bracing in your body?

Maybe it's not a clenched jaw.

Maybe it feels more like a wall or tension around your soft areas.

Or perhaps your rib cage has become a fortress with an iron collar around your throat.

I invite you now to close your eyes if it feels right and sense into this within yourself.

Where am I bracing against life?

Where are you holding on to yourself in ways that you were not held when you needed long ago?

Where are you creating the no in your body that you couldn't say when you were young?

And when you locate this place within you,

Invite your psyche to show you the image of what's here.

Is it a wall?

Is it a closed fist in your body?

Is it a cage or a fortress?

Imagining now exactly how it might look.

And notice in here,

What is your self judgment around having this place within you?

Do you feel like it shouldn't be there?

If you notice yourself thinking that,

See if you can breathe and soften.

It's okay to be thinking those thoughts.

And what if you could soften into the possibility now that this bracing within you is a great and precious gift?

Would you judge a guard who noticing that great precious treasure lays open and unprotected,

Takes her post and stands guard there?

I invite you now to open your psyche and allow your imagination to create a figure out of this part of you that braces.

Maybe it looks like a guard or something completely different.

Noticing now the image that is arising for you.

And feel yourself now as the strongest,

Most deeply compassionate version of your current self,

Standing at a respectful distance from this figure.

And simply notice what you notice about it.

How are they feeling?

And take a moment now to simply mirror to validate what you notice about them.

For example,

Saying something like,

I see that you care so much about protecting us here.

Or if you see that they're in pain somehow saying something like,

I see that you're hurting so much.

Taking another few moments to validate whatever else you notice about them.

Becoming curious now as to has their appearance shifted at all,

Knowing that it's not better or worse if it has or hasn't.

And now ask them this question.

And when you hear a response,

See,

Sense and feel yourself responding very compassionately.

The question is,

What do you need?

If they can't tell you what they need,

That's completely okay and just continue to validate that it's okay to not know what you need.

Asking one more time here,

Is there anything else that you need?

If that feels complete for now,

Send them the telepathic message that in a moment,

It will seem that you shift to another level of consciousness.

But if they wish they can come right back with you.

So tune in now.

Do they wish to come with you?

Or do they feel more comfortable staying where they are,

Knowing that there is absolutely no better or worse outcome here.

If they choose to come with you,

Feel yourself inviting them with joy as you begin to imagine the room around you,

Knowing that they're right here with you.

As you notice the movement of the breath in your body and the feeling that your body has weight,

Taking some deepening inhales as you open your eyes if they were closed and take a look around your space to again orient to this place and time right now.

And doing just a little experiment here as you return to sense into that place that you identified in your body that is bracing and just see if it feels any different.

Is there perhaps a sense of greater ease or softness,

Even if quite subtle.

It's also possible that it feels more intense and that's also completely okay.

You've done some deeply intimate work with this part of you and it will shift the more we lovingly accept the parts of us that resist the more we free ourselves to change.

That is the paradox of healing.

Thank you so much for joining me in this exploration of your walls you're bracing against and I wish you such a beautiful day.