Being An Empath In Relationships

So how to be an empath in relationships.

What's ironic about this topic is there's two parts of it in our world right now.

Later,

I think next week maybe,

Or the following week,

I can't remember,

I'm doing another talk called how to develop empathy in relationships.

Because,

So there's everybody here who perhaps struggles with having too much empathy in relationships.

One of the challenges is that most of the world has no empathy in relationships.

There's this normalcy of being completely walled off to each other and not connecting,

Completely hiding our emotions,

Completely living side by side,

But not actually opening our hearts,

Not actually sharing our emotions,

Not actually even connecting to the other person.

To develop empathy in a relationship is to actually be able to read another person.

Like when we learn about the masculine-feminine dynamic,

Not gendered if you've never heard me speak of it,

But just that ability for one person to read the other person so that you can actually connect.

I was a man who was taking my course,

One of my courses called about the masculine-feminine,

And he was talking about how difficult it was for him to actually read his partner,

To actually connect with her in that way.

He said that she had been out with some friends,

And one of her friends was really angry because she'd gone on a date on Tinder or something,

And the guy was really nice,

And he's sitting beside her,

And they're chatting,

And she's like,

Wow,

This is a really nice guy.

All of a sudden,

The guy just launched on her and just kind of stuck his tongue down her throat and started groping her and stuff,

And she was like,

Wow,

What happened?

How did we go from just two people sitting side by side and suddenly this weird attack from nowhere?

The man,

My student,

He was saying it almost seems like an epidemic,

Because his girlfriend was telling him that it's such a common occurrence that the guys,

And I'm just speaking in a heterosexual sense right now,

But the guys just don't know how to read the women,

And this is that empathic connection,

That ability to actually sense where another person is so that you're actually on the same wavelength.

You're actually both reading each other.

So the irony that we're having this talk today is that I'm going to do another talk from the completely opposite perspective of how to actually develop empathy and how to actually read others.

So it's interesting that this paradox exists in our world right now,

And I actually think that that is part of our challenge as empaths in relationships is that it's very possible that the people we're trying to relate with don't know how to have empathy in relationships themselves.

So what do you do if you,

And I don't mean just in love,

Intimate relationships,

It could be relationships with parents,

With children,

With friends,

With colleagues,

With extended family.

One of our great challenges is if we're sort of this walking open book and others are completely closed down and this closed down-ness feels natural to them.

It feels normal and it's how they want to be,

And yet maybe their deepest soul still wants loving connection.

So it's an interesting world that we're navigating right now because there really does seem to be the need to understand how to have healthy empathy and then the need to actually develop it from ground zero.

So it's an interesting paradox that we're just going to sort of float between today.

So one of the first things I want to talk about,

I want to talk about four main points around really developing healthy empathy in relationships.

And the first one is the importance of not absorbing our partner's emotional state.

So I'm going to talk mostly in terms of an intimate relationship,

But of course this can extend to every single person we interact with in our life.

When we're young,

When we're children,

If we're naturally empathic,

We don't even realize that we are picking up the emotions of everyone around us.

If we were raised in a home where tensions were high,

Emotions were high,

And oftentimes because emotions,

We haven't been taught anything about them,

We're not taught this in school,

We aren't taught it in our home,

Emotions tend to be kind of these wildcards flying around.

I used to know someone,

I used to say to him that being around you is kind of like being with someone whose aura is chock full of oozy machine guns.

That if you're in a bad mood,

It's like you're just taking out everyone in the room.

And you may leave,

And you may be feeling okay,

But everyone else is bleeding.

And he had no idea what I was talking about,

Except that,

You know,

I was still crying two hours later.

So there's a lot of emotional irresponsibility in the world because we just don't have any awareness of it.

So if you're a child growing up in a household like that,

It is so almost impossible to be able to discern what's mine and what's theirs,

Because it's almost like this is the pool we've been swimming in our whole life.

So we actually sometimes think that we are an anxious person,

Or that we are an angry person,

Or that we are emotionally unstable.

But what if we're not?

What if we're literally just bringing in so many emotions from so many sides?

We feel like we're this ship on an ocean,

But none of it's ours.

We're not creating any of the waves at all.

If this was your childhood,

And if you're here today,

Then it's a really valuable thing to look inside like right now and ask yourself,

Is any of this even true?

Am I actually quite calm inside?

And I've just never been able to discern between my emotional state and everyone else's.

So no,

Let's back up.

Most of us get into our first relationships when we're young.

I first met my husband when I was 20.

And in 1991,

Whenever that was,

Nobody's talking about empathy and absorbing each other's emotions or anything like that.

So you get married,

And all I want to do is love.

All I want to do is connect.

All I want to do is just,

Wow,

I've got this person I just get to connect with and hold on every single level of my being.

What's going to happen?

I'm going to absorb his emotional state.

If he's having a bad day,

I'm having a bad day.

If he's happy,

I'm happy.

It's just natural.

I'm not doing it to be manipulative.

I'm not doing it to be codependent.

I'm not doing anything.

I just,

I don't know better.

I just,

Isn't this what love is?

Isn't this what relationships are?

Isn't this the point?

I've never been married before.

I've never had this kind of direct,

Intimate,

One-on-one focus before.

So it's really easy in relationships to start believing that if the other person feels this way,

Then I feel this way.

And that's a massive deal,

To not absorb the other person's emotional state.

And sometimes we do it for different reasons.

Sometimes we don't know better.

I swear I didn't know better.

I just thought this was love.

I thought this was connection.

And that if he's having a bad day,

Then we're in this together,

Right?

We cleaved together and became one.

So if he's having a bad day,

We're having a bad day.

And maybe also with the inner desire that if I'm having a bad day,

Then we're having a bad day.

And I've got someone there to help me too.

Right?

It doesn't always work out that way.

You know?

And it actually becomes very unhealthy.

And for example,

Let's say I'm absorbing someone else's emotions.

It doesn't have to be a partner.

It could be anybody.

And now all of a sudden I think,

Oh,

I should help.

Right?

But they didn't ask for help.

Right?

So now I go up and I'm like,

Are you okay?

Like I'm kind of sensing something.

You know,

Those weird things we say when we first realize that we're sensing something from someone else.

And they're like,

No,

I'm fine.

And what happens?

They actually put a wall up.

And this happens in relationship too,

Right?

No.

Even if they don't have the words,

Emotionally they're saying,

Hey,

Back off.

My soul's journey.

None of your business.

I'll ask if I want your opinion.

They don't have those words.

They just simply dive into the cave and disappear.

And the empath's sitting there going,

What did I say?

What's going on?

And then we go chasing after them,

Trying to find them.

And then they go further and further away.

You know,

We know this dynamic.

So it's a huge deal to actually allow someone else to have their own emotional state without us absorbing it.

It was also a big thing I learned when my mom was sick.

My mom became sick when I was 19,

20,

With cancer.

And she was sick for three years before she passed.

And they were,

I mean,

I'm sure lots of you guys know about this.

You know,

It's very,

Very difficult.

And there's a lot of bad days.

There's a lot of really difficult times.

And I remember going to work,

Or I was in university at the time,

So sometimes I was on co-op,

So I was living at home with mom and dad,

Or I was at school.

And it was really hard to have a good day when I knew she was suffering.

You know,

So there's that thing that how can I be happy when I know the person I love is suffering?

And it could be something like that,

Someone who's ill,

Or just even someone you love.

And then the great Wayne Dyer said something once,

And he said,

You cannot feel bad enough to make another person feel better.

And the idea that even though I could feel her pain,

Even though I could feel her suffering,

Me taking that on and feeling that in the day didn't help her at all.

In fact,

It probably made it worse.

You know,

It made her feel guilty that she was imposing and burdening her children,

And she would never have wanted that.

So that was sort of maybe probably one of the times that it really sort of hit home for me,

The importance of allowing each other their own journeys,

Right?

That this was her soul's path,

And I could be compassionate,

And I could love her,

And I could be there for her.

But the minute I take on her suffering,

The minute I take on her struggle,

I'm actually doing damage.

I'm not helping.

And this is part of what it is to be empathic in relationships,

To really learn the ins and outs of it.

It's not just an open field,

And we just dive in and,

You know,

Everything's possible.

This is a skill to hone.

It's a skill to understand when to use,

When not to use it.

That was a huge lesson to me that I still to this day have to remind myself of.

The second thing is,

Which is definitely a continuation of the first,

Is to look within and understand our philosophy about ourselves and others,

And ask ourselves,

Do we have a philosophy within us that thinks that we are here to fix anyone else,

Or to even believe that we can fix anyone else,

Or that we should fix anyone else?

For me,

What I really realized was,

Because I definitely have been hit with that club,

It was an ego trip.

It was a real ego thing that said,

I know better than someone else in their life.

Who am I to know what's better for my children even?

I mean,

It's easy as a parent to think,

Oh no,

I know best.

It's like,

No,

I don't.

I don't know best for them.

I don't know best for my partner.

I don't know best for my dad.

I don't know best for my friends.

I barely know what's best for me today.

Today my decisions are a question.

How in the world could I interpret someone else?

And this is one of the big challenges when,

If we have this belief that we're here to fix someone else,

And realize that this doesn't necessarily come from something negative,

It doesn't have to be an ego trip.

Sometimes it came out of an old requirement because maybe we couldn't divorce.

You know,

Free divorce,

Or the freedom to be divorced,

The freedom to make choices in relationships is quite new.

This is within our lifetime,

Within our generation,

That you didn't have to prove adultery or prove something.

Even abuse wasn't grounds for divorce,

Right?

So suddenly,

If you're stuck with someone,

And they're difficult,

You're going to work hard to fix them.

Because you have to live with them.

You have to stay.

They are maybe also the parents of your children.

So we've got a vested interest in them changing.

You know,

And I even remember,

There's a lot of philosophies around this.

Like I remember when I was married,

Which was not that long ago,

It was like 1993,

And there was a philosophy floating around that said,

A mother raises a man so far,

And his wife raises him the rest of the way.

This was a mantra floating through my mind in 1993.

This is a thing,

You know,

So it's interesting to kind of look inside and look at the belief systems that we've been raised in.

And it goes on both sides.

It's not just male-female,

Female-male.

It's not like that.

It's this whole idea that we're here to discipline each other.

Like there's sometimes a father-daughter dynamic and mother-son dynamic.

And I'm here to set you on your right path.

There's a lot of twisted dynamics out there that make us think that we know best for someone else.

Like,

You know,

We're not coming out of this.

We're not starting with a clean slate.

We sometimes have to really go inside and really figure out what's driving these curious ideas we have.

But one of the interesting things is,

Let's say we have this desire to fix someone or help someone.

We'll call it helping to make ourselves feel better about it.

No,

No,

I'm just trying to help them.

Even though they didn't ask.

If they ask,

Whole nother story.

You ask me for help,

I will pull out all my empathic,

Telepathic abilities and we'll sort this out together.

Right?

But if you don't ask,

I will pull in completely and allow you all the guardedness and all the privacy you deserve.

Right?

But let's say,

So let's say someone doesn't ask,

We'll call it helping to make ourselves feel better.

So let's say,

I want to help you.

You haven't asked,

But I want to help you.

Well,

What I'm going to do is I'm going to observe your life.

I'm going to observe my interactions with you,

Which of course are super skewed because they're all through my own filters and fears and karmas and stuff.

But I'm going to observe you through my filters.

And I'm going to think,

Ah,

Okay,

You know what?

I'll bet here's what you should do next.

Well,

What I've basically done is I've taken you into my system and I've tried to digest you.

I've tried to bring you in,

Digest you and find a solution.

Now what I've basically done is I've just eaten junk food.

I've basically eaten Doritos.

And if we're empaths and we're not careful,

Realize we're kind of living on emotional junk food.

So here's the scenario.

If you imagine whole food,

Whole food would be like an entire iceberg.

The whole kit and caboodle top to bottom,

All the karma,

Ancestral stuff,

Everything that a person's going through.

That's the whole person,

Their whole state.

The most I can see of them is the very tip of that iceberg.

Even that person cannot consciously explain to you everything that's going on.

They cannot explain to you maybe all the lifetimes that they are bringing into clarity.

They can't explain it themselves.

So what we're doing,

If we look at this person and we take this tiny tip of the iceberg and try to digest it,

We're basically eating Doritos.

It's garbage and it makes us sick and it doesn't help them.

Only that person can actually digest their own story.

Only that person even has access to their entire iceberg.

And this is a huge deal for us to realize that I'm kidding myself if I think I even have close to the whole story,

If I think I have one percent of the whole story.

And again,

A hard pill to swallow in my life because I like helping.

I like contributing and to realize that I think and I really,

Really felt this with my children when they were little.

Because I would look at these little souls and think,

How would I ever know?

Because they so obviously came in fully loaded.

I only have two children and they are so radically different.

Different ends of every spectrum.

So,

So different.

It was amazing to realize just how complete their iceberg was long before they took their first breath here.

And anyway,

I kind of learned quickly that I had no idea what was right for their path.

Only they did.

The other interesting thing about,

I feel like I'm just coming down on us poor empaths right now,

But just for a minute.

I'm not really coming down on the empaths.

It's like,

It's a lot of funny training in the world I think that we're unpacking right now.

And it's a lot of funny training that can keep us twisting.

Really twisting in relationships and twisting within us.

And it can keep us twisting enough that it actually might make us afraid to even get into a relationship because we know how deeply we dive and how painful it can be when it doesn't work out.

So it's really valuable to look at these dysfunctional programs we may be living.

So when I think one of the challenges on a spiritual journey on each one of our personal journeys is there are no shortcuts.

Right.

We actually move with our entire iceberg in every step.

You know someone else might look at us and say,

Why are you going so slowly?

Why aren't you making this choice faster?

I mean it's so obvious.

And you might look at them and say,

I don't know.

How many bits inside of your being have to come in line for you to actually take that genuine step forward?

Not a false step.

Not a step that looks good to others.

But a genuine step on your soul's journey forward.

Most of the time people don't take our advice if it's not in their best interest.

It just becomes a battle.

But let's say for example someone did take our advice.

You know this can often happen with children.

We might look at them and say,

The child might be sort of plodding along,

Teenager just sort of plodding along,

Not really figuring things out like we might want them to.

So we look in on their life and we say,

You know what?

Here's a good idea.

You know what?

I'm going to sign you up for university or I'm going to push you towards university or college or something like this.

I'm going to get you this job or I'm going to do something because this will help you feel inspired.

You know,

And again,

It's a real mix of genuine love and desire for the person to be happy.

Right?

We love this person more than anything.

It's not an evil intent.

And yet that soul is on a path.

They are moving forward.

So let's say someone takes our advice,

Whether it's that child or whether it's a friend or whatever.

So based on our limited perspective,

They say,

OK,

Well,

That's a great idea.

This is one of the great challenges,

The problems with having a guru.

Right?

You don't just follow someone else.

You must move with your own iceberg.

Because what's going to happen if you take a false step forward and kind of leave your iceberg behind?

What's going to happen?

You're going to sort of go forward and go forward on this sort of weird place where you're not quite there.

And eventually that house of cards will fall because it's not you.

And then you're going to slingshot back,

Pick up that iceberg again and start going forward again where you left off.

Like our souls journey matters.

It's not a race.

There's no one way of living isn't better than another.

So it's a curiosity sometimes when we look into someone else's life and we think you'd be better off if you would just take this step.

But only that person knows the step they have to take.

There's a story of this man,

This blind man standing in a pub.

Back in the day,

Like imagine like 150 years ago before we had cars and electricity.

And the blind man is about to head out into the street with his walker,

With his stick,

Right?

And this other man looks at him and says,

Oh well here,

Take my lantern with you.

And the blind man says,

Well it's not going to help me,

I'm blind.

And he goes,

Yeah but it'll help other people see you in the dark.

And he says,

Oh okay.

So the blind man walks out with his stick and this lantern.

So of course he walks down the middle of the road where he might not normally,

Right?

He would have normally found his way along the edge.

And he's walking down the middle of the road and all of a sudden he hears horses rearing up and this guy that can,

You know,

Breaks coming onto this stagecoach.

And the driver of the stagecoach says,

What are you doing walking down the middle of the road?

And the blind man says,

Well I have my lantern,

How come you didn't see me?

And the stagecoach driver says,

Your lantern's out.

Right?

So,

Fixing others.

So the third part I want to talk about is real self-love as an empath.

Because one of the challenges is because we're naturally empathic,

Again early on in life,

We easily can create that our primary connection in life is to other people.

Right?

Because the emotions of the others are so strong we naturally are going to connect with them.

So we actually grow up feeling like we're just constantly sort of pulled between all of these spider webs of emotions from other people.

And that we don't even know what's happening.

Right?

But we are just so constantly empathically connected to all these people around us.

That becomes our primary connection in the world.

This is very,

Very confusing.

Because everyone's emotions are literally all over because it's all based on whatever they're experiencing in this moment.

So back when I was sick,

Like in 1999,

I know most of you guys have heard this,

I had breast lumps and a teacher came into my life,

Which was a huge turning point in my journey.

And one of the first things he said to me,

He sat me down and he said,

Katrina,

Where do you take your orders from?

Like where are your primary connections in life?

And I said,

I don't know.

And he said,

Wayne,

Who is my husband,

Wayne,

My kids,

His parents,

My friends,

My family,

You know,

I kind of was rhyming off all the people in my pecking order,

As he called it,

Who I took my cues from.

And he looked at me and he said,

Wow,

That's a great pecking order for someone who wants to get breast cancer.

I was like,

What?

Because I had lumps growing in my breast,

That's why.

And I said,

What are you talking about?

And he said,

Not only,

He said,

You know,

Is it screwy?

He says,

You are not even on the list.

I'm like,

Why?

Eventually would have gotten to me.

He's like,

No,

You wouldn't have.

So I said,

Well,

What should my pecking order look like?

And he said,

On the top is God.

Next is self.

Next is your spouse.

Next is your children.

Next is everyone else.

Family,

Work,

Friends,

Everything comes after that.

And he said,

You must get your pecking order straight.

So the hence the journey that began from there.

So as an empath,

To really be clear what your pecking order is,

To really put everybody in line here,

Because if you've had your whole life that your pecking order looked like mine,

Where everybody else is where I took my input from,

Who am I at all?

You know,

Except some kind of ghost with arms that is just serving everyone else.

Right?

So to actually know that you must have that connection with self first,

Because even for me,

I had to first even put myself on top,

Because I realized that if I wanted to have divine connection,

If I wanted to hear guidance,

I at least had to be home.

Right?

I actually had to at least be home to receive the phone call.

It was a huge deal to imagine that listening to me that that inner connection was so important.

Right?

This is the ultimate self love.

We talk a lot about self love because it's so lacking.

This ability to just connect within and say,

Okay,

I understand that you're sad,

And you're angry,

And you're happy,

And you're this.

And I connect within me and I say,

Where am I today?

You know,

There's no judgment as to where we are.

Maybe we're neutral,

Maybe we're happy,

Maybe we're sad,

Maybe we're tired,

Who knows?

We have to check in with self.

And this is often a very new thing.

And then at least once we can check in with self,

We can kind of look to other people and go,

Hmm,

Like I remember my son,

My son had a really tough start.

He called it for the first year.

Very,

Very sensitive child,

Now a very sensitive man.

And I,

As a mom,

I just,

I wanted him to be happy every day.

I didn't want him to be sad.

I didn't want him to have a stomach ache.

I didn't want him to be crying.

I wanted,

I wanted to make him better.

I wanted to make him happy.

Right?

And he was my firstborn too.

So I was like,

This is like who I am as a parent or something.

Right?

But then when I was sick and I had to kind of start getting my own pecking order in line,

Especially with my family,

Especially with my children,

The great realization was that he's allowed to have bad days.

And I actually started allowing myself to have bad days.

I realized that there were days I opened my eyes in the morning and I was already off.

I don't know what I'd done all night.

I don't know what was rising today,

But I was not happy.

Wow.

Like you just sort of look at it and go,

Hmm,

Crazy.

Right?

And I just started realizing that,

Wow,

Maybe he just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed some days.

And that's OK.

In the same way that it's OK for me to have a bad day.

Changed everything.

Like this true self-love allowed other people to have self-love.

And I don't have to fix their emotions.

I don't have to make them happy.

I don't have to make their favorite meal.

I don't have to.

I also don't have to be at their beck and call either.

Like because they're unhappy,

I don't have to act differently.

There's no requirement because sometimes this has been used against us.

Right.

But I'm sad.

You need to do this or I'm angry.

You need to change.

You need to stop what you're doing.

You need to adjust.

Of course,

There's an awareness here where you sit and you look at it and you say,

You take the input and you go,

How does that resonate with me?

Should I change?

Is there something amuck here?

Yes or no?

We have a lot of weird ideas about emotional states that if I'm in a certain emotional state,

You have to change.

And then I might wield that at you to try to force you to change.

So it's important as an empath,

Because if someone knows you're sensitive like that,

They don't have to do anything.

They could just have a deep sigh and you will change your behavior.

And they don't have to say a thing.

Right.

They could just begin to get angry and you will already be figuring out how to adjust your behavior.

They don't have to say a word.

And it was a really big deal for me in my journey to actually require people to use their words.

They were not allowed to just simply breathe heavy,

Do something,

Go.

That wasn't enough.

You can sigh.

You can be angry.

If you actually want to talk to me,

You need to talk to me.

And we can have a conversation.

But you're not allowed to passively emote at me.

And this is a really big deal because the emoting of others.

I'm just going to talk about this for a second because it's a huge deal.

If you were raised as a child in a family where emotions were not allowed.

Right.

This child still needs to be heard.

Right.

So the child will do is emote.

Right.

They're not allowed to say it.

But instead they will emote and they will send out stuff into the airwaves knowing that their mother will pick it up.

Not all mothers do.

But most mothers do have that umbilical connection emotionally to the children.

And they will pick up the fact that someone's not OK.

So the child learns they don't have to say anything.

All they have to do is send it out into the airwaves and mom will pick it up.

This is a thing in relationships.

Right.

And it's a really new way of communicating to not adjust ourselves because someone else is intentionally emoting.

Right.

They don't want to be called on it.

They don't want to feel dumb.

They don't want to whatever.

And also if they emote and you change.

I don't know.

It's a really weird unconscious generally way of controlling people.

Especially once they figured out you're empathic unconsciously.

So people aren't I don't think people are that manipulative.

And so for me it became this thing to say no you actually have to say words.

If you emote I am fully allowing you to feel exactly how you feel because we are all free to feel.

And so of course normally what happens is their behavior starts to amp up because the emoting is not working.

Right.

Just like a child again and I'm not criticizing adults.

We don't do this consciously.

But when the emoting doesn't work they might start being verbal or they might start saying things or they might drop something or they might slam a cupboard or they might do whatever.

And again you kind of have to look at them and say do you want to talk about something like you don't have to be mean or loaded about it just kind of like are you OK.

But it's really valuable for each one of us to actually have to say it in words to hear ourselves speak and kind of undo that training as a child that said I'm not allowed to speak.

I'm not allowed.

I have to emote because maybe I'm ashamed of how I feel.

Like it's really beneficial for everyone.

It's beneficial for the empath that's not picking up 14000 passive messages.

And it's really valuable for the people around us to learn how to express what they're feeling and actually be able to discuss it and communicate about it.

So the last thing I want to mention.

And then I'll look at your comments for anyone who's new I can't see the comments because I don't have my glasses on.

It's quite a blessing because it allows me to stay focused.

But in a moment if you have a question please feel free to rewrite it because I can't go too far back in the chat.

It just stops and then I'm happy to answer any questions you have.

The last thing I really want to say is that as empaths and all humans are designed to be empathic it's not an interesting thing.

Some people are just more tuned into it than others.

In the same way that some people are brilliant at building some people are brilliant at languages we all have different giftings.

But the most beautiful thing about this is we get to explore the beautiful connection of love.

This is why we're empaths.

Being in a relationship with someone who also can turn on their empathy can actually be open and loving and feel me as much as I feel them.

This is an entirely new playground.

Like this is something,

Especially like an intimacy.

Like I teach about tantric intimacy.

Well a huge part of that is that you are actually feeling each other.

This is the connection.

This is the union.

Right.

Imagine the power of connected emotional states.

And you don't even have to be the same emotions like you don't have to feel the same.

But when that heart channel is open between two people.

It is literally like holding on for dear life while this river flows between you.

And it's beautiful.

It's not difficult.

It's not overwhelming.

It's beautiful.

Or maybe it's overwhelming in all the ways that it grows us and expands us and makes us feel more human and more alive.

And then we adjust to it and we're just naturally bigger after.

Right.

But this is really the goal of all of this.

The goal is to help each other open up if the other wants.

But imagine cultivating a safe space in relationships where all feelings are safe.

So even like right now if you have people in your life who aren't open this way.

They aren't in touch with their empathic abilities.

They struggle to have empathy in relationships.

The most beautiful thing we can do is create a safe place for them to be exactly where they are.

Because again who are we to judge what they're wrestling with.

You know who knows what's rising in their consciousness to be healed or fixed or dealt with or fought against.

Who knows.

So all of a sudden when I am fully allowed to feel me and you are fully allowed to be you.

That's a very safe place.

If someone has guards up going up to them and saying whether in actual words or with our actions and saying.

Now I realize you're heavily guarded right now but empathically I'm feeling that you're really hurting inside those thick walls you've put up.

I'd like to help you.

Is that person going to feel they're going to be like back off.

You know so that doesn't it's not safe for them even though we think we're helping the safest thing is to say to them.

I honor your walls.

I honor where you are.

If you ever want to come out I'm here.

I'm good.

Whatever.

Right now this also means one of the biggest things that have changed in our life today in 2021 as opposed to say you know 1950 or 1850.

We have choice too.

Right.

We don't we're not stuck with anybody.

And even in relationships where maybe we do feel stuck like family.

You know who were related by blood.

Or crazy neighbors or whoever.

We can still just hold a safe space where everyone's allowed to be themselves and still be fully empathic ourself.

You know,

And again,

Being really clear about privacy.

Right.

I kind of imagine that.

Let's imagine for a moment that human beings are designed to be wide open.

Imagine we live in a world where there's no judgment.

And all is well.

Well then we don't need to put up guards.

We don't need to hide.

Because no one would judge anything they saw anyway.

And we wouldn't judge anything we saw.

Imagine that each one of us is a house.

Okay.

And imagine in this world where there is no judgment and complete openness and flowing empathy.

There are no walls of the house.

Like imagine we all live in glass houses.

Because we love being able to see outside all the time.

But of course that also means that people can see inside all the time.

In a world of judgment,

This is really scary.

Right.

Who wants to live in a glass house when every person walking by is looking in at your business and judging you.

So now imagine this world without judgment where everyone is empathic and all the houses have glass walls.

We would exercise wonderful privacy.

We wouldn't look into places that someone might not want anyone to see.

And if we did see into places we wouldn't judge it.

We wouldn't judge it as right,

Wrong,

Excellent,

Poor,

Nothing.

We would look at it and keep walking.

So imagine this in relationship.

Imagine everyone,

The person you love is a glass house.

And you wake up in the morning and you walk out and you pour your coffee and you feel real sadness off of them.

And you let that sadness go through you and maybe you go over and you give them a kiss on the cheek.

And you let that sadness go through you.

You don't engage with it.

You don't create a philosophy out of it.

You don't try to fix it.

And you let it flow right on through.

And you head off on your day.

Right.

It isn't for us to discern whether it's okay or not okay.

It's just how they feel.

You know,

It's perfect.

How do you let it go right through you?

For me,

It's a shift in philosophy.

If I believe that I'm meant to take on people's emotions,

Process them,

Fix them,

Or anything like that,

That emotion will come in and get lodged inside of me while I digest it.

If my philosophy is that this is just where they're at today and it has nothing to do with me,

Then it just naturally flows through me.

I might say,

Are you okay?

How are you feeling this morning?

And if they go,

Hmm,

And I say,

Want to talk about it?

Not really.

Okay.

I honour your choice.

It's such a hard thing that stonewalling,

Poker face,

The silent treatment,

All these things,

They are real weapons against an empath if we're not careful.

Because on our deepest level,

I mean,

Today we've talked a lot about where things get a little screwy and where it can become very dysfunctional.

But on our deepest level,

We just want to love.

We just want to connect.

We want to feel open.

It's a human thing.

It's a human desire to connect.

And if someone wants to hurt us,

Poker face,

It's almost scary.

That walled off dead stare,

It's literally like you are alone and you don't deserve my connection.

Like it's really cold,

Right?

And again,

It's also a learned response.

I'm not criticizing those who use it because similar to what was said around survival,

Sometimes that is a survival technique in families growing up to absolutely,

Like my one friend,

She always says that she was raised by assassins.

And if you didn't hold this dead pen,

They could read you and use it against you later.

So I don't criticize anyone for it,

But it's important to kind of learn how to communicate through these difficult times.

Both are empaths.

Can they feel each other's energy like in dreams,

Waking up and feel it?

Yes,

A hundred percent.

It's so much fun.

I really genuinely think that's how humans are designed.

I think that's,

I think when we get all of our ducks in a row and we clear our system of all sort of the strange adaptations we've developed over the millennia,

And we actually just openly connect empathically,

Amazing things are possible.

Like amazing communication is possible.

Amazing lovemaking is possible.

Astral lovemaking,

All these crazy things are possible.

And I don't think they're just for gurus and people who have had Kundalini awakenings.

I think they are for every single human.

And that's why I think it's so fun to kind of learn how to clear our systems of what is stopping this true human expansion.

Do you find it hard to distinguish your emotions with others?

Is there a way to strengthen that ability?

Yes,

I find that hard.

I think the key is,

Again,

That connection to self where as long as you're clear where you started.

You know,

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and I was really in a great mood.

I was happy and sun was shining and out with a friend just going grocery shopping.

I'm walking through the grocery store and my heart was pounding,

Like just pounding out of my chest.

And I was like,

What is going on?

Who am I picking up?

Because there is no way this is me.

And sometimes even where I live,

I live in a part of a house,

Sort of like an apartment in someone's home.

And sometimes I don't know whether I'm picking up my landlord's emotions or my neighbor's emotions or emotions of someone just walking down the street.

But you're sitting there and all of a sudden you're like,

Oh,

You feel so sad and you kind of go,

What am I sad about?

And it's always that question,

Is it mine?

And again,

Empathy,

Intuition,

All these things are connected so we can use these tools to help us discern.

And as soon as you're feeling sideways,

You ask the question,

Is this mine?

And the answer will come like this,

Yes or no.

Like,

Don't question it.

This is not a brain game.

This is an intuition,

Empathy game.

And you say,

Is it mine?

Yes or no?

No.

And then ask a second question,

Whose is it?

And maybe a face comes.

And then you could ask a third question.

Is there something I meant to do to help?

Yes or no?

We must listen.

If we're going to play in the empathy,

Telepathy,

Telepathy world,

We must listen.

It's not.

We have to listen.

Can you repeat the pecking order about real self love?

So the pecking order,

God on top,

Self,

Spouse,

Children.

I talk a lot about this in my first book,

What If You Could Skip The Cancer.

Not that I,

Not that you have to read it,

It's just,

If that's an interest,

Then I go into more depth there.

What if you don't believe in God?

The key is that,

Especially in the context of this talk,

Is that you are here.

And the thing about not believing in God,

If self is talk and there's no sense of your connection into the greater whole,

It could just look like,

I'm going to do what I want to do all the time and I'm not going to consider anyone.

So whatever you consider where you hear guidance or whatever,

God's a very loaded word,

So to actually understand maybe your connection into the whole,

If you can empathically feel your connection into the collective,

And not the individuals,

But the whole,

The goodness of the whole,

To allow that to guide you so you have this connection to the collective,

Self,

And then it can go.

Because without that,

Then I'm just doing my thing regardless of anyone else.

Having a hard time with my confidence in my relationship,

I think about him being with someone else.

I blame him,

But they're my thoughts.

This is,

It's really important to even just simply dive into our own fears,

Because who knows where they come from,

Right?

Maybe,

Maybe it's a past life.

Maybe it's something that happened up your ancestral line.

Maybe it's a real fear.

Maybe it has nothing to do with what's happening right now.

Or maybe it does have something to do with what's happening right now.

The key is to just allow it to lay on the table and not bury it and not say,

I shouldn't be thinking this,

I shouldn't be thinking this.

That's burying stuff.

Allow it to sit,

Because if it's here in the sunshine,

We'll actually be able to see it for what it is.

And then make a discerning point about it.

Or a better choice about it.

And again,

To just be really clear of our intention.

Why are we with.

.

.

Like for example,

One time I met a person who was a narcissist,

But I'd never met one before.

So I didn't know.

And I love to give,

So I always sort of give and give and give.

And I realized that they just took and took and took and took and took.

But it fed me at a time that I was very lonely.

They knew how to do it.

They knew how to make me feel loved.

They knew how to make me feel beautiful and cared for and listened to.

They knew how to do that.

So I fed into that.

Because I also wanted what he was giving.

And,

But then,

Of course,

The house of cards falls.

And then it was later that I realized that,

Oh,

He's a narcissist.

And there's no playing with a narcissist.

I can't be my empathic self.

I can't be my loving self.

I can't do that.

And I don't understand that.

I don't understand how it all works together and I don't think a lot about it.

But I do choose not to engage because I can't.

Or I have to engage from quite a distance.

And I don't give to a narcissist at all.

And I choose who I'm around very differently.

So that's a toughie.

My teacher taught me that the goal of being human,

The goal of being an empath,

Is to actually be like a flow-through teabag.

Right?

That the emotions come in and they pass right through us.

We can still feel them.

We can register them as awareness,

As connection,

As love.

But they're not ours to hold.

So they go through.

So there's nothing to be protected from.

But the difference is,

So this is where our own personal awareness is important.

If we know that right now our inner philosophy says,

I'm going to absorb your stuff,

I'm going to try to fix it,

I'm not a flow-through teabag,

And it's going to infect me,

Then we simply pull in our feelers and we do not allow it in.

And we create the bubble.

When people first learn Reiki and things,

They learn about putting up a bubble.

Or maybe you're personally hurting.

Right?

Maybe you're personally really struggling.

And you're not clear enough yourself to be a flow-through teabag.

Right?

But it's not the long game.

The long game isn't to stay bubbled up and protected.

The long game is to be the flow-through teabag.

But it's really important to be aware of what's yours and what's not.

So even like when I was shopping and my heart's pounding out of my chest,

I was like,

Wow.

Right?

So it's just sort of this balance between,

Okay,

I'm going to pull in my feelers a little.

Storm's getting rough.

When I get back to my car,

I'll exhale.

Did you say an empath can feel the other,

Then reflect it to this person so they see it?

Maybe label it for them or something.

Yes,

But only if they ask.

They have to ask.

They have to.

And you can't ask them if they want to ask.

Like their soul has to come to a place where they're ready to hear it and then they'll ask.

I remember when years ago I was teaching in Europe and I was teaching a tantra workshop.

And I was staying with a woman who had invited me there to teach.

And I was going through a difficult time.

I didn't know at the time that I was severely anemic.

I found out later that there was a reason I was so incredibly tired all the time.

But that journey would begin a few years later.

But I was trying my best.

I knew I had to teach.

I knew I had to not bring my stuff into the room.

I knew it didn't matter if I was tired or not.

I was there to share and to teach.

And I was sitting with my hostess because I was staying with her.

And she said to me,

Well I called my psychic friend and we were chatting about some things.

And then she said,

So who's staying with you?

Wow,

Whoever she is,

She is really exhausted.

Like she has some real stuff going on in her life.

Like she's really got to do this and this and this and this and this and this and this.

So I'm sitting with my hostess later and she said to me,

Oh so here's what she said about you.

I was so angry.

Like I was existentially furious that this woman looked into my psyche without me asking.

And shared a single thing with my hostess.

This was none of her business.

I had not chosen to share it.

This was wrong.

And it made me so angry and it made me put walls up to my hostess for asking or for repeating it or for having the conversation.

I put walls up because I realized this woman is not safe.

She believes it's okay to delve into my psyche into places that I'm working on that is no one else's business.

And I feel the same about being an empath.

Right?

We must be responsible.

It is not our place to look into someone's heart and soul and journey.

It's not our place.

It's a misuse of our gifts.

And I feel very strongly about this,

Obviously.

But it's really important that this empathy must flow naturally.

It must,

We don't take down other people's walls.

They have walls up for a reason.

They will take down the walls in their time as they feel safe,

As they have the inner strength to receive this.

Right?

I'm surrounded by psychics and intuitives in my life.

Right?

Historically,

Like I remember when I first started going to my one friend's place,

Now we're friends,

But,

And she was our holistic practitioner.

And I was really lost.

Really lost in my life.

I was trying to do everything for everyone.

I was,

Right?

And she would sit there and she would look at me.

And she would stare into my eyes and I'd be like,

Trying not to make eye contact with her.

Because I wasn't ready.

I was too lost in my own world.

If she had just come out with something and hit me to my heart,

She would have thrown me so off balance.

I was balancing a,

My mom had just died,

I was married,

I was,

Had children,

I had foster kids,

I was trying,

Like I had a million things in my world that I was balancing.

I don't want someone's information that I'm not ready for.

She could have thrown me right off side.

Luckily,

She didn't.

She kind of would notice that I was like all.

And she went,

And she took that as valuable information,

As my helper.

Okay,

She's not looking for this right now.

How else can I help?

I value that deeply.

Right?

And I honor that in other people.

And it's an amazing thing because someone asked earlier,

You know,

What if they don't know to ask,

Then they're not ready.

And again,

Who are we to know whether someone's ready or not?

You know,

We're all just playing in the sandbox together.

Some of us have had interesting experiences to share.

But maybe they're not relevant in this moment.

I struggle with defaulting to deeply feeling bad anytime someone I love is suffering.

How can I ease this response?

First,

I think it's very healthy to feel.

If someone's hurting,

It's healthy to feel that.

It's healthy to cry.

It's healthy to be afraid.

It's healthy to be honest with what this brings up inside of us.

It's really valuable.

And it is being human.

We're not robots.

We're meant to feel.

And if people we love are suffering,

We need to feel it.

We need to cry.

We need to,

You know.

I also know that in my own life,

When I've deeply been suffering myself,

These were the most valuable times of my life.

These were the turning points.

These were the times that I really faced myself.

Like I really had to go in.

I used to have brutal migraines.

Like 20 years ago,

15 years ago,

I would get a migraine and I would be out for days.

Just days,

Just dying inside.

But those were important times.

I was really coming up against something inside myself,

Right?

And bit by bit,

I had to make slight adjustments.

But apparently I'm very,

Very stubborn.

And I needed to really,

Really,

Really be in excruciating pain to actually look at that.

Not that you can look at it when you're in the pain.

But I had to seriously look at what I was bringing into my being.

And what I was chewing so hard on that it was causing me such pain.

And even in all the times,

Like I went through years in university,

Like when I was 18,

The deaths began in my family.

My good friend had a baby who died.

My grandmother died.

My grandfather died.

My uncle died.

Like it was just this perpetual,

You know,

I was at university and every other weekend,

I had to go home for a funeral that I was standing in the line,

In the receiving line for.

And ironically,

Which is how I met my husband,

Because I didn't want to go home anymore on weekends,

Because there was just so much grief and our homes were just filled with funeral arrangements.

And so one of my friends at university would take me to her place,

To the farm,

And she had a hot brother.

A few years later,

I became a farm wife.

But those were really,

Really,

Really hard times.

And my mom became sick in that time.

And it was actually her passing.

Seven years later,

That was the end of this time of death in my family.

Wow.

Like a time of extreme suffering,

But real time of finding something deep inside of me,

Too.

So I don't desire to take away people suffering anymore,

Because I know how valuable it is for me.

But I also feel it if I feel it.

I don't push it away.

I don't discount it.

I don't go,

Yeah,

Yeah,

In there.

That's awful,

Right?

Like you don't do that.

When you've actually suffered,

You genuinely feel it.

And you just are there with them,

You know?

So thank you so much for being here.

This has been wonderful.

I will see you soon.