Being With Loss & Grief

Hi,

I'm Lorie Cameron,

And in this session,

I'll guide you in gently exploring loss,

Grief,

And letting go with a compassionate heart.

I created this guided session for you because I'm often asked to work with those who are dying or work with loved ones of those who are losing someone or have already lost someone.

My own mother volunteered to be at the bedside of those crossing over from this life to the next,

And I too feel a pull to serve in a similar way.

So this is my offering.

Living death is part of being human.

Death has been a constant companion in my life.

One Saturday morning when I was 16,

My dad had a heart attack in his den chair right in front of me.

I pulled his body to the floor and started CPR with my older sister at my side.

The paramedics arrived and took him away.

I learned later at the hospital that he didn't survive.

He was 44.

That loss taught me that life is impermanent,

Fleeting,

And it became a motivating force.

Later as an adult,

When I was living in San Francisco,

Nine months pregnant with my daughter,

I had a strong sense one morning that I should stay home instead of going into the office.

I had a lot of work to do before my maternity leave,

And I felt fine,

So it was unusual for me to choose to stay home.

An hour later,

The phone rang.

I got a call from my mother.

She told me my 37-year-old brother,

Johnny,

Had died unexpectedly,

Suddenly the night before.

I can step right back into that sensation of the loss.

I felt as if I were floating out of my body.

I was in a fog,

Yet I also had a heightened sense of alertness and clarity.

I could see sharply,

But I felt disoriented,

Like a significant physical part of me was missing.

When we experience pain like that,

Our natural tendency is to turn away to withdraw,

Physical or emotional.

And sometimes we manage pain by compartmentalizing,

Deciding that the hurt does not have to affect every area of our life.

These gut reactions to stress might be a necessity sometimes,

Enabling us to harness available energy to do what needs to be done.

It helped me when I had to go to Johnny's apartment,

Sort through his things,

And arrange the details for getting his body home to my family in Maryland.

When I had to think about my husband and my baby and my job,

I had to focus.

But compartmentalizing is at best a temporary refuge.

Mindfulness practice and the qualities we cultivate with mindfulness are foundational.

They can help you develop the capacity to face the pain of loss by allowing you to notice the sensations present in your body,

The emotions,

The thoughts,

The feelings,

All of it.

You can then transform them into acceptance,

Letting go,

And finally,

Peace.

In the weeks and months that followed losing Johnny,

I started to open to the deep well of grief.

I used mindful breathing to calm and soothe myself when I felt a wave of emotion coming over me.

There's a well-known saying that it's not about denying or suppressing an emotion,

But learning to surf the waves as they come.

I would feel a dense,

Heavy weight in my chest and abdomen,

And also just kind of a constant uneasiness.

But acknowledging and allowing these feelings to be there,

I'd use the acceptance mantra,

Okay,

It's like this,

This is here now,

Eventually gave them the space to rise and fall away.

It's hard to describe the connection I felt with my brother Johnny.

It feels like what I imagine a soulmate might feel like.

We used to tell people we were twins,

Even though we were a couple years apart.

And in grieving,

I found that the depth of my sadness was correlated to the depth of our love.

It was the other side of the coin,

Love and loss,

Directly proportional.

That realization represented a shift for me.

Now I could meet the waves of emotion from a broader field,

Not the pit of sadness and despair,

But the expansive sky of love.

I felt connected with other families going through loss,

And ultimately with all human beings,

Because we all experience loss and pain.

I learned to say to myself,

Oh,

Here's the love for Johnny welling up again when I would feel that wave come.

I was able to allow all of it to be present,

The sadness and the love.

When I lost my mom a few years later,

This practice of acceptance and love had become a more natural,

Accessible way for me,

For responding to grief.

I could respond to sadness with loving awareness.

I would allow it to envelop me,

To hold me.

And as I breathe deeply,

I could just feel it.

Mindfulness practice trains you to be here with all emotions instead of suppressing or denying them.

And this also works well for broken hearts.

You might experience anger,

Sadness,

Guilt,

Or fear when a relationship ends.

And these feelings might be mixed with love,

Joy,

Pride,

Happiness.

You can allow the sadness,

But you can also allow the part of you that wants to resist sadness.

Your awareness has room for all the emotions,

Even the ones that seem to contradict each other.

What matters is that you notice the range of feelings,

And in doing so,

Stay in touch with the entire scope of your existence.

Then you can experience grief without being overwhelmed by it.

Everything changes,

Including your experience with heartbreak and grief.

And in time,

I felt the physicality of grief moving from constriction in my chest to lightness.

I became freer to accept Johnny's death,

My mom's death,

My brother Mark,

And even back to my dad.

I was able to celebrate my mom in particular as I recognize how she continues on in my daughter and in me,

And to allow her enduring love for me to give me strength,

Peace,

And joy.

We're going to do a meditation now,

A practice for grief and loss.

And we'll work with the emotions of loss,

The quality of acceptance,

And the resilient practice of connection.

Let's start by preparing to meditate.

Find a place that's comfortable for you.

Begin with your body.

Your body posture shapes your experience.

So find a way to sit that's alert and relaxed.

Bring attention to your feet,

Feeling them solidly on the floor.

Close your eyes and let your hands rest softly on your lap.

Soften your shoulders.

There you go.

And now we'll move into the practice.

Begin by bringing attention to breathing.

Breathing in,

I know that I'm breathing in.

Breathing out,

I know that I'm breathing out.

Bring a gentle,

Kind awareness to what it's like to be you right now.

Seeing yourself.

That's consciousness.

That's mindfulness.

Come to mind an experience of loss and grief.

It may have been a heartbreak,

A death,

Or the end of a relationship.

And those things are not mutually exclusive.

Visualize this person.

See yourself.

Step into the scene,

The situation that's filling your tender heart.

Now scan the body for the emotions that are present.

Visualize the felt sensations in the body.

Sensing where you feel the emotion.

Abdomen,

Hands,

Throat.

Where do you feel it in the body?

Learn to stay and look at the sensation of emotional pain as something that's impermanent passing through your body.

As you feel the physical sensation,

You can then name it.

Sadness is here.

Anger is here.

Hurt is here.

I'm experiencing loneliness in the body.

Regret.

Perhaps you're feeling tenderness.

Or maybe happiness is here.

Or joy.

Or love.

As you're scanning the body for emotions,

Notice where you feel it.

Name the emotion.

And you can even try putting a hand where you feel the emotion.

And there certainly can be more than one.

When you touch your body,

It releases oxytocin,

A soothing neurotransmitter.

You're attending to the emotions with kindness.

So you see your grief,

Recognize that this is how your life is right now.

You navigating your broken or grieving heart.

Or the process of letting someone go.

You're working with the notion of acceptance.

See what it feels like to simply let go of wishing life were different.

And allow what is here to be here,

Just as it is.

This is how we cultivate the mindful quality of acceptance.

So it's like this.

So this is here now.

Breathing in and out of the hurt place or places.

Feeling the weight of the hand on your body.

Love is the root of all joy and sorrow.

You might deepen attention to the pain of loss.

And see if you can get to that root.

See if you can connect to that love.

Can you sense that love is part of grief?

If yes,

Just be with that.

And if not,

That's okay too.

We're just sensing what is here.

And now we'll broaden our awareness.

Inviting in the wellbeing strategy of connection.

So as you're sitting here,

Dear one,

Breathing,

Imagine those who love you,

Who support you,

Who wish the best for you.

See them in a circle around you,

Their faces smiling at you.

Feel that circle of love.

And feel their energy,

Their loving energy coming right to you.

Draw on the strength of others.

Let them be with you.

See them surrounding you right now.

Is there someone you might connect with this week?

Or a couple people?

Set an intention to reach out.

And now,

If you like,

You can experiment with turning your attention to the good,

The beautiful aspects of the person that you miss or the person you're saying goodbye to.

And really dropping into the connection that you shared and share.

Other positive qualities,

The attributes that you loved,

Beloved memories,

Experiences that you shared.

See how you might carry that,

These qualities and attributes,

The way they showed up for you and integrate that more intentionally in your own life.

Keeping them vibrant and alive through you.

Thank you for opening up the tender place in you to connect to and heal this emotional place of suffering and love.

I am honored to be with you in this meditation on navigating grief and loss.

You can return to this practice again and again.

Healing yourself,

Growing,

Getting stronger.

Take care,

Dear one.

And may you be well.