Hidden Signs Of Childhood Trauma

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

In today's episode,

We're going to be talking about unmasking emotions and exploring the idea as to why we struggle with not being able to feel our emotions.

This is a very common issue for those of us who are raised by narcissistic parents,

Those of us who experience trauma even outside the home,

Those of us who grew up feeling invisible,

Like we were burdened,

Like no one cared about us.

We grew up feeling unloved,

Questioning our self-worth,

And really wondering why life was so cold.

So we're going to explore the consequences of growing up in a home like that on our adult life.

So welcome to this podcast episode,

And we're going to delve into the intricate world of our emotions and the barriers that may have prevented us from feeling our feelings fully and expressing our emotions also.

Dear one,

Have you ever found yourself struggling to connect with your emotions or feeling numb to your innermost thoughts and sensations?

Have you ever found yourself feeling dissociated,

Lost,

And frozen even?

Well,

If that's the case,

You're not alone.

So you are welcome to join me as we uncover the underlying reasons why so many of us have difficulty feeling our feelings.

And we're also going to explore three specific strategies that I have used in my own life and I use with personal clients for reconnecting with our inner emotional landscape.

So let's talk about number one,

Emotional disconnect.

For many of us,

The inability to feel our feelings stems from a variety of factors,

Including past traumas,

Societal conditioning,

And coping mechanisms developed over time.

In a fast paced and demanding world,

It's common to suppress or even ignore our emotions as a way to cope with stress,

Avoid feeling vulnerable,

Or protect ourselves from pain.

This emotional disconnect can lead to a sense of numbness,

Detachment,

Or confusion when it comes to identifying and processing our feelings.

Many of us don't even know we're doing it.

Sometimes our friends will say,

You look spacey.

You look aloof.

What's wrong?

I don't feel like you're really here.

I know I felt that.

And there were times I was told by others that that's the way I was coming off.

And at the time,

I didn't know that I was frozen or numb or that I had belief systems that were rolling around at the level of the subconscious that were tied to survival that were running my life.

At the time,

I didn't know that I could be both subconscious and conscious and mostly subconscious at the same time.

At the time,

I was not aware.

I wasn't emotionally aware,

Spiritually aware.

Metacognition had not come online.

And at the time,

I had no concept of this idea that I could be afraid of expressing emotions and therefore emotionally disconnected from my emotions and that that entire process was not my fault.

It was a form of childhood programming.

And at the subconscious level,

Very early on in my emotional and psychological development was this belief that my emotions threatened survival.

If I cried,

I was called names.

If I cried,

I was told I was a drama queen.

So I learned very early on,

Although I did not know it at the level of the subconscious to associate pain with feeling my emotions.

So that gives rise to emotional disconnect.

Adult from emotionally neglectful backgrounds or those who are abused by narcissistic parents who grew up feeling unloved,

Invisible,

And not good enough,

The pain of those experiences is so overwhelming that a child may use fantasy or dissociation as a way to cope.

As children,

We can find ourselves fantasizing and not realizing it,

But we're fantasizing.

We're developing a way to escape our feelings.

We fantasize about being rescued by a love interest or imagining what it would be like to be part of a family that loved us.

We're escaping our emotions.

We're numbing ourselves out,

And it makes sense that we do that.

There's nothing wrong with doing that when we're children,

But unfortunately,

This becomes a way of life for us.

The issue is we don't know it.

So what we try to do is teach people about what went wrong and give them the power to break through these patterns,

This programming,

And essentially brainwashing to become empowered adults today.

We want to remember that the brain is designed to avoid pain.

If you put your hand on a hot stove,

Your body is designed to impulsively and automatically remove your hand without your conscious thinking,

And so it is with emotional pain,

And that's really important.

I hope you're writing this down.

I hope that if you remember anything from this episode,

It is that by default,

Your mind and your body are designed to avoid pain.

This is also why so many adult children ignore red flags.

We see them.

However,

The consequences of facing them overwhelm us at a subconscious level.

Your mind is processing trillions of bits of data,

But you're conscious of only about 50 bits of data.

So that means at the level of the subconscious,

Much the way the nerves in your fingers send impulses to your brain without you even knowing,

Oh,

I should take my hand off the stove,

Your subconscious mind is processing data at that level.

Your brain is the greatest processor.

There ever has been and ever will be.

Outside of consciousness,

When you notice a red flag or there is a red flag,

If you don't have the coping skills to confront that red flag,

You won't confront it.

That is not your fault.

That is why awakening is so important,

To develop the ability to face a red flag,

To face the overwhelming emotions when they happen.

When we begin to awaken this idea that,

Oh,

We're codependent,

We don't have a self,

Oh,

I minimize myself,

I take care of others as a way to avoid abandonment and rejection.

You need to know how to process in the moment when you start to feel overwhelmed so that you can break through and get to the other side of this and you do not continue to ignore red flags,

Remain emotionally disconnected and sabotage yourself until the day your life is over,

Which is what my mother did,

Which is what my grandmothers did,

And which is what I refuse to do,

And which is what my mission is to help you not do.

My mission is to help you awaken,

Understand what's wrong,

Develop emotional awareness,

Bring metacognition online,

Learn to become very logical and rational about your emotions so that you can control them.

Our minds have been conditioned to not rock the boat.

We have not been taught how to resolve conflict.

We have been brainwashed to avoid it at all costs and even at the expense of our mental,

Spiritual,

Financial,

And physical health.

Many codependents in the latter stages of codependency are depressed,

Can't get out of bed,

They feel like something's wrong with them,

They are on all sorts of medication,

And what's really wrong is this emotional disconnect,

These patterns and programs that reside at the subconscious level.

And the tragedy in that is that there is a way out.

But if you don't see the hole in the wall,

You can't fix it.

So I hope that there is at least one person out there that is hearing this information,

Is clicking,

And you're understanding that what's wrong is not you,

Dear one,

It's just your programming.

So let's talk about number two,

The root causes of our emotional numbness.

Research suggests,

This is research,

It's not something that I'm making up,

Research suggests that unresolved trauma,

Particularly in childhood,

Can contribute to emotional numbness and the inability to access one's feelings consciously.

According to a study published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress,

Individuals who have experienced trauma may develop patterns of emotional avoidance or dissociation as a way to protect themselves from overwhelming emotions.

This is no different than when the circuit boards in your house blow a fuse.

That board was overwhelmed by a surge of electricity.

It can't handle it.

So,

Right,

It triggers the switch.

In other words,

That you blow a fuse,

And you have to physically go in now and flip those switches.

Well,

What happened?

It was overridden,

It was overwhelmed,

And that's what happens to us.

What happens in one space,

As it relates to energy,

Happens in all space,

Including the human brain,

The human psyche,

And the body.

To process trauma,

You need mental skills.

You need mental and emotional resiliency.

If you didn't gain those coping skills in childhood,

You will dissociate.

To protect yourself,

There's nothing wrong with you.

That's a protective mechanism.

The issue is that if you don't awaken and work on that,

Really work on it,

Make it your life's mission to feel your emotions in a healthy way,

To process them,

To develop coping skills,

Which awaken,

This is what's going on,

But you don't have to die this way.

You don't have to repeat these patterns.

You can be a cycle breaker.

You can be someone that is teaching your children an entirely new way of living and feeling,

And life can be amazing,

Despite its difficult beginning.

In addition,

Societal norms that stigmatize vulnerability and emotional expression can further reinforce the tendency to suppress or deny one's feelings.

We see this with a lot of adult children of alcoholics that are men.

They've been taught that feeling emotions is wrong,

That it means that they're less masculine,

But actually the opposite is true.

The only way to be fully masculine or fully feminine is to embody and embrace both sides of the spectrum.

As a man,

We have to embrace the vulnerability of expressing our emotions,

And as females,

We have to embrace the ability to be logical and reasonable and protective of our emotions.

So we need a healthy balance of both.

Our emotions are always there,

Below the surface of our conscious mind,

Deep within the recesses of the subconscious mind.

If you can understand your subconscious mind,

And if you're someone that this information resonates with,

Because let's face it,

Not everybody is listening to self-improvement YouTube videos,

Or reading self-help books,

Or listening to self-improvement podcasts.

Not everybody does that.

I particularly think that the world would be a much healthier place if everyone did,

But not everybody does.

But if you can accept and really appreciate that who you are,

All the answers to who you are,

To your greatest questions,

Who am I,

Exist at the level of the subconscious mind.

And if you accept that neuroplasticity is a thing,

And it is,

Your brain is plastic,

Which means that you can change it,

But you cannot change it from within the subconscious mind.

You have to awaken,

Where we're reinforcing this idea that you can heal through the elevation of consciousness by becoming the observer.

Our emotions do not leave us or disappear because we do not acknowledge them.

Like the darkness of the ocean floor,

They exist,

Doing their damage,

Keeping us stuck in patterns of hypervigilance at the level of the subconscious mind.

We just don't consciously recognize this as being the case because we're unaware.

Instead,

The world wears masks,

And we don't even know it,

And that includes us.

So until we awaken,

We remain in these survival loops,

Unaware.

We are unaware.

But through this type of conscious healing work,

We can remove the mask,

Learn to process our emotions in the now.

We don't have to keep fleeing and dissociating and falling into fawning behaviors or reactivity.

We can break through.

So let's talk about three different strategies for reconnecting with your divine emotions.

Number one,

Mindfulness and self-awareness.

I know you've probably heard about mindfulness and self-awareness,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

But I can tell you that if you really understood the power,

If you want to be an autonomous human being,

If you want to be an empowered person that feels like they are in control of their life,

I beg of you to understand the power of mindfulness and self-awareness.

This is what Eckhart Tolle talks about.

He's talking about living in the now,

Becoming the silent observer.

That's what mindfulness and self-awareness is,

Because you cannot heal yourself from the patterns and the programs.

You have to get out of it,

Which means that you have to awaken.

So one powerful way to begin reconnecting with your emotions is through mindfulness practices and self-awareness.

By tuning into the present moment and simply observing your thoughts and sensations without judgment.

That's the hard part.

We feel something,

And if we don't like it or our reticular activating system has deemed this is a bad thing,

We'll push it away.

So instead,

You're going to learn to cultivate observing your thoughts and sensation without judgment,

Sort of like a detective.

This way you can cultivate a deeper understanding of your emotional landscape.

Pay attention to physical cues such as tension in your body or changes in your breathing that may signal underlying emotions waiting to be acknowledged.

Ask yourself some of these intriguing questions.

What's going on in the moment?

Who were you speaking to when you noticed these changes?

What was being discussed?

What patterns did you notice in this situation that might mirror how you felt as a child?

Is there an authority involved?

Are you feeling or sensing that you're being ignored,

Minimized,

Judged,

Or chastised?

Focus on observing patterns rather than reacting to emotions.

And doing this will shift you out of reactive mode and into observation mode,

Which is a much healthier,

More mature state of being and can help you become more self-aware.

This ability has helped me cultivate a beautiful,

Loving relationship with my husband.

I don't react to emotions any longer.

Well,

Not always.

Sometimes I do,

But I quickly understand I have to pull myself back and do this observing and then ground myself in non-codependent thinking,

In fair thinking,

Into active listening versus reactive listening and really take in the big picture.

So when you're suppressing your emotions and you're codependent,

You don't see the big picture.

You're responding from childhood.

You don't see the big picture.

You can't because you're walking around in the subconscious mind,

Bumping into patterns and programs,

But you don't know it.

So when you're healing and you're really actually maturing,

You're developing autonomy and responsibility for the self,

And you can see the big picture.

And from there,

You can choose to make decisions rather than react.

Number two would be journaling and creative expression.

Expressing your thoughts and feelings through journaling,

Art,

Or creative outlets can be a cathartic way to access and process your emotions.

Did you know that,

Dear one?

Creativity can solve this problem.

Set aside time each day to write freely about your experiences,

Your thoughts,

And feelings without censoring yourself.

This is key.

Engage in creative activities that allow you to express yourself authentically and explore the depths of your inner world through color,

Texture,

Or words,

Even dancing or singing.

Anything that allows you to express yourself.

Now this is the point where I want to also say that your success rate in healing from emotional trauma depends on two things.

Number one,

Your willingness to learn,

And number two,

Your willingness to do something about it.

Sometimes when I'm coaching someone,

One of the things that I have to figure out pretty quickly,

Because I don't want to waste their time,

I don't want to waste my time,

I don't want to waste their money,

There's someone out there that I could be helping that is actually going to do what's necessary to change,

And that's what I'm interested in.

And that gets me excited,

And so I don't want to really waste anyone's time if they're not willing to do part two.

And part two is,

Is this person willing to put what is being taught into action?

So there are going to be some people that listen to this episode,

And they're going to start journaling,

Or they're going to start painting with watercolors,

Or they're going to get back into dance class,

Or they're going to start doing yoga.

They're going to find an expressive way to allow emotions to leave their body.

Now,

Your success quotient will depend on your willingness to learn,

Which obviously you're here,

So you're learning,

Which is great.

Your mind's like,

Pop,

Pop,

Pop,

Pop,

Pop,

That makes sense.

But until you put what you're learning into action,

You're not going to change much.

So I just hope that you take that to heart,

You take that into the chambers of your being,

Your innermost being,

And you're inspired to put things into action.

Dear one,

That's going to change your life.

So consider writing poetry,

Especially when you're emotional,

Rather than throwing pillows around the room,

Which could be cathartic.

Sit down,

Sit down at your desk,

Get some paper,

Get a notebook,

And just allow your innermost thoughts to express themselves.

This gives life to your inner child's unexperienced experiences.

Now,

Here's another key,

Dropping lots of golden nuggets here today,

Dear one,

Do not seek validation from anyone.

Don't show your husband your journal.

Don't read it to your kids.

Don't read it to your neighbor.

Don't seek validation from anyone.

The goal is simply to express how you feel.

Any creative outlet is helpful.

It is similar to allowing steam to be expressed rather than allowing it to build.

A mirror exercise,

Where they sit directly in front of a full-length mirror and look into their eyes and simply allow themselves to express any words,

Feelings,

Or thoughts they wish someone else could or would say to them to validate them.

This helps release pent-up negative emotion and also increases one's level of self-empathy and self-compassion.

The key is to begin to shift any belief that has you locked into suppressing rather than expressing emotions,

And to also shift any belief that has you falsely believing that you need someone else to validate your beautiful self or give you permission to feel what you feel.

We are not babies.

We are not children.

We are not six.

We need to step out of the role and the skin of the inner child,

Acknowledge the inner child,

But step into the divine parent,

Step into becoming the authority of our life.

Dear one,

You are enough,

But your subconscious mind might not know that.

Begin bringing your awareness back into your body without editing your emotions and without needing validation,

And I promise you,

Your world shall shift.

So let's talk about the third hack,

And this is profound,

And again,

If you do it,

It will help you shift.

Create a bucket list.

That's probably not what you were expecting to hear,

But let me explain why.

Wounded adult children are stuck in the past.

Their subconscious minds are running the show,

And they are 95% unconscious to what is motivating their behavior,

Which include dissociation,

Numbness,

Seeking approval,

And the fear of conflict.

None of this is our fault.

However,

Just like a boulder that is in the middle of the road and blocks the flow of traffic,

Unless we get in there and move that boulder,

Traffic builds up,

Cars slam into one another,

And the flow is stopped.

Creating a bucket list helps you bring your prefrontal lobe and neocortex online.

It's like moving that boulder.

It's you creating more flow.

Those of us who live with childhood trauma,

And yes,

Emotional neglect is traumatic,

As it triggers our survival processes,

Which require us to remain hypervigilant,

Numbing ourselves and focused on how to please others in the hopes of staying alive.

And yes,

Feeling like we belong and that we are wanted is life-giving,

So it is normal to seek it,

Even from not the best family members and in not the best partners.

Creating a bucket list helps you give your subconscious mind a new bullseye to shoot for.

It is you activating your brain's ability to get out of the past and into a future more consciously.

It is you activating the pleasure center of the brain with new data.

Remember that the adult child brain is different than those without trauma.

We seek pleasure in different ways.

We generally do not seek pleasure in experiences that would fill our souls or make us truly happy.

We seek pleasure in avoiding making others upset.

We associate pleasure with focusing on others,

Meeting their needs,

And by becoming super responsible for others so they never have a reason to leave us.

Codependent mothers,

For instance,

Codependent wives,

Are focused on doing everything for every family member so that the other family members don't become anxious,

Because anxiety of family members is a trigger for an adult child.

It makes us feel like the rug is about to be pulled from beneath us.

Our world is going to be filled with chaos and disorder in any moment.

We feel out of control.

So by being focused on everyone else,

By being so attuned to their anxiety,

And by making certain we take care of others,

We reduce others' anxiety,

And in the process,

We reduce our own.

But here's the thing,

My dear one,

My dear beautiful soul,

None of this is your fault.

And if you stay in this pattern,

You will drain yourself.

You will lose all of your life force energy.

And that is not why you incarnated on planet Earth.

There is a better way.