I'm Unlovable: Experiences With Core Deficiency Beliefs

How we form beliefs and how do they sit with us now?

When we go into a practice,

We start with checking in.

As you're looking around the room that you're in or the location,

What are you taking in with your eyes?

Let yourself really settle into the moment in your body as well.

Let your body be supported.

Notice that we're here in a specific moment in time,

Looking at our experiences and the beliefs that we formed about ourselves from those experiences.

So one of the real key foundations of healing trauma and of working with the past is that we need to stay here in this moment.

We need to be aware that we're not seven years old again.

We're not in our childhood home.

We're not at school with that bully teacher.

None of that's happening right now.

We're here in this moment.

So one of the ways we do that is we notice our body,

Our breath.

We notice if we're starting to hold the breath.

We definitely will notice that some energy or sensations will come up as we're looking at some of these.

Remain here in this moment is the key.

And then as we look at that too,

As we're looking at some of these beliefs,

Like I'm unlovable or I'm unworthy,

We might also notice,

Could we bring some kindness and compassion to ourselves?

That that was our experience.

We felt really alone.

We felt judged or shamed.

So with this kind of somatic inquiry,

We're always trying to stay in that sweet spot of I'm looking at something from awareness that right now in this moment,

I'm safe.

My body is safe.

I'm not going to say anything that's shaming to you.

If something comes up in your mind and in your critic or a memory,

That we're going to work with that and be here in this moment where we have some resources and agency that we didn't when we were younger.

The way that beliefs are formed is that we have an experience and then we try to make sense of it.

All of us have experienced feeling unloved.

Most of us have experienced feeling loved.

We have the negativity bias in the brain.

We're more likely to make a belief out of a negative experience or a scary experience.

Just the way the nervous system works.

Let all of that go for a minute.

Come back into awareness of your body,

Your breath,

That you're here doing a practice.

We're here in this moment.

We can feel our body.

We can feel the support that's here.

Anytime if this is too uncomfortable,

Just stop,

Open your eyes,

Look around.

We do some tapping on your forehead.

Hold your hands.

We can do lots of those practices that bring us back.

Core deficiency beliefs are false.

They are a belief that form when we're young,

Often as a child,

That there's something wrong with us.

The reason we form those beliefs is because as a child,

Our brain's not developed enough to really see clearly,

But it's too risky to believe that our parents,

Our teachers,

Our caregivers are wrong because we rely on them for food,

For shelter,

For all kinds of things.

We take the blame on ourself to minimize the risk to the caretaker relationship.

It's good to know that.

It explains a lot,

Actually.

Those unconscious beliefs are stored in our body.

They're stored through experience.

We can go into them as a somatic inquiry in our body and release them because in our conscious mind we know,

Yeah,

I know I'm not stupid.

Of course I'm not.

But if we had experiences of that when we were a child,

Then that belief is lodged in our unconscious mind.

That's what we're working with.

Take a few breaths as you're getting settled.

Do a reset from all of those words.

Notice your body,

Your breath.

And I'm going to say some really common beliefs.

And just the fact that they're so common says something that's not as true as what we believe that it is.

One of the first really common beliefs is that I'm unlovable.

So if you put,

I have experienced at the beginning of the belief,

Let's work with that.

I have experienced feeling unlovable.

And then let your mind bring forward some examples of that if that's what happens there.

It might feel entirely too risky to go there if that's the case.

You might just kind of open your eyes,

Look around,

Let it be a little bit more in the background.

If you can,

Let yourself see what were your experiences when you felt unloved or unlovable.

I have experienced feeling unlovable.

Notice the energy in your body.

Oftentimes,

There's a heaviness in the chest or a tightening in the shoulders or jaw.

Notice what's happening in your body.

Let's work with that right now.

Just kind of let your body be more regulated.

Let your breath be smooth.

Take some deeper breaths.

I have experienced feeling unlovable.

If there's intense energy in your body,

You can put your hands on that part of your body.

You could hold your hands,

Remind yourself of touch.

You could also look into the space around the outside of that energy.

So if when I say that,

Or if you say that to yourself,

I have experienced feeling unlovable,

And you get this kind of sick feeling in your stomach,

Notice what happens in the rest of your body.

Can you find an edge to that sensation?

Most sensations kind of taper off.

There is a stopping point for a sensation.

So one of the things that you might do is just notice,

Where do I not feel the sensation?

And so often,

These memories will come in.

Oh,

Yeah,

There was that time when I was at school,

And that person was making fun of me,

And I just felt like a loser.

I felt like nobody could possibly love me.

I remember being at home,

And my parents were really absorbed in other things,

And other people,

Other pressures,

And they just didn't pay any attention to me.

Our experience is that if we're not attuned to,

And paid attention to,

And hugged,

And savored,

Appreciated,

That we feel there must be something wrong with us.

But memories are coming up.

Let them come.

Keep your breath going.

Yeah,

I have experienced that.

If it's an image or memory,

You might put it into a frame on the other side of the room.

That's a really effective way to let our unconscious mind,

Our body,

Our brain know that we're not in a situation like that anymore.

We're actually looking at a memory that came up.

So as you put it over there,

Look at it,

Not out of your own eyes,

Because that makes it seem more real,

But look at it as though you can see yourself in that image as well.

So if you're seeing yourself sitting at the kitchen table when you were a child,

And you're being ignored,

Or perhaps something abusive or harmful is happening,

See yourself at the table too.

So you're not looking at it out of your own eyes.

These are all ways we can help our brain to know that we're looking at a memory.

As you're doing that,

Take a few breaths if that feels okay.

And then take your eyes around the outside edge of that frame.

So put the image in a frame,

And then take your eyes around the outside a couple of times in one direction,

A couple of times in the other direction.

And then look back into the image.

Notice what your experience is now.

Settle into your experience in your body as well.

So I have experienced feeling unlovable.

I believe I am unlovable.

So let's take the I have experienced away and just work with the core deficiency belief itself.

I'm unlovable.

Does that feel true?

Some of your experience will indicate that it is.

Notice your body and your breath.

We're looking at this belief that you formed.

I'm unlovable.

What is the evidence for that?

Of course,

The evidence is the experience that we had where we felt that way.

I have experienced feeling unlovable,

And I formed a belief.

And now let's go into the opposite of that.

I have experienced feeling unlovable.

I've experienced feeling loved.

I've experienced feeling lovable.

The first thing that comes into your mind is,

Well,

I don't know if that's entirely true.

So it doesn't have to be the 10 out of 10 I've been loved,

Although it might be.

Oftentimes,

We have moments or memories of somebody who loved us unconditionally.

Maybe not as a child.

Maybe it was later in life.

And also,

We're really cultivating this unconditional love for ourselves.

So I have experienced feeling that I love myself.

I've experienced loving myself.

Let yourself feel that I have experienced feeling loved.

If there's a memory,

It might be a person's face,

A memory of being held.

Just let all of that come.

Really let yourself feel that,

Whether it's self-love or someone else,

Or maybe it's an animal.

I have experienced feeling loved and feeling lovable.

I have experienced feeling loved and feeling lovable.

Let yourself feel the energy of that.

If your mind wants to go back to the other,

See if you can keep it here.

I've experienced feeling lovable.

And then drop the first part of it and just say to yourself,

Really feel that I am lovable.

Notice what happens in your mind,

In your body.

I am lovable.

It might bring up a storm of resistance,

Rebuttals.

There's a feeling or a sense or a conditioning that we have to be perfect to be lovable.

We know that's not true because we love other people who are not perfect.

We know that's not true because we love other people who are not perfect.

This is a nervous system issue,

A trauma response.

I need to be perfect to be lovable.

So we could look at that and go,

Yeah,

That's not true.

And to feel that in your body,

I am lovable.

Let yourself experience some examples as well.

A memory of something,

Of someone,

Of yourself.

Maybe for the first time in your life,

Really offering yourself,

Kind,

Compassionate love,

Wholehearted acceptance.

Let that soak in to your bones.

I am lovable.

And then let's go with something else,

Another belief.

It could be I'm stupid,

I'm not worthy.

Unworthiness is another big one.

I have experienced,

And just fill it in with your own,

Whatever comes to mind when you think of a persistent court efficiency belief.

I have experienced feeling unworthy.

I've experienced feeling not very smart.

We use the same principles.

Notice the energy in your body.

If you have images,

Put them up on the wall or do some tapping,

Take your attention away from the image.

Staying here in this moment,

I have experienced.

And notice what happens in our body when we look at that.

There's probably some kind of contraction or tightness in your body.

Maybe you're holding your breath.

Maybe you've gone into a fight or flight or freeze response.

You're angry at the people who were involved in making you feel that way.

Every time I brought home a report card that didn't have an A+,

I got scorned for that.

What's the matter with you that you couldn't do better?

So,

So much of this is unfair,

And it is simply not true.

Think of a child that you know and love who has trouble in school.

We can often look at that and go,

Well,

You know,

What's happening there?

Maybe they're not sleeping at night because there's violence in their home,

Or maybe they have a learning disability.

Their brain works a different way.

They have dyslexia or something.

But we would never go to that person is stupid or that person is unworthy.

This conditioning is not true.

The beliefs we form from our experience make sense.

Okay,

I can see how I developed that belief,

And it's not true.

Let's sit with that for a minute.

Whatever deficiency belief you are working with,

Flip it around to the opposite.

Get really specific,

Like I am worthy of being treated with kindness and respect.

Let yourself feel that.

We formed a negative belief that isn't true.

I'm just looking to see how could I work with this in a different way,

A kinder,

More truthful way.

I don't have to be perfect to be worthy of kindness and respect.

Let all of that just kind of sit for a moment.

Notice your sensations.

Let your breath anchor you into this moment in time.

Inhale,

Exhale.

Let your body release any tension that's built up.

You might want to move a little or do some shaking.

And then as you reflect back on what came up,

See if you can bring some compassion in.

Maybe put your hand or hands on your heart.

As you look around the room now,

Feel in your body.

Sometimes we can feel a lot of emotion around the grief,

The loss,

The impact of some of those beliefs on our whole life since then.

I don't have those core deficiency beliefs anymore.

I've done a lot of work with seeing how untrue they are.

And yet until 10,

15 years ago,

I think they were really lingering in there.

So there's that conditioning is really pervasive.

And if there's something really solidly lodged,

Maybe you knew about it,

Maybe you didn't.

This is the origin of a lot of inner critic attacks.

Well,

Of course that person is impatient with you,

You're stupid.

So we have all of this unkindness that happens underground,

And it's really helpful to bring it up into the air.

What are my beliefs?

Are they true?

How did they form?

One of the principles of working with healing trauma is to be here in the present moment.

And one of the ways that we do that is we're in our body,

And we get really specific.

Okay,

I can see why that belief formed.

How can I work with myself with more awareness,

More kindness?

I have experienced in front of a belief can be very helpful as a tool to remain as the witness,

To remain aware that we're looking at a belief.

We're looking at the experiences that led to the belief.

Let your whole body release.

And then if you want,

Bring your hands to your heart and let yourself feel your own tenderness.

Let yourself be supported and nourished by your own care.

Really be here for ourselves is something that we can always do.

We might not have been able to when we were a child,

But we can do it now.

We let ourselves feel that is very nourishing.