Kindness Truth And An Open Heart

There's a complicated relationship we have with each other,

And we give each other so many chances,

Especially family,

But often with friends as well.

We don't like to give up relationships.

Then we also have all of the other things that are behind that,

The isolation or loneliness,

The debts that we feel that we owe.

We might have a parent,

For instance,

Who's very controlling or who's nasty to us.

There's just so many different components to our relationships.

In some,

I feel like I'm the one who has let them down.

For me,

I'm not really a lasher-outer,

But I've certainly spent a lot of time in freeze.

That's another way of harming a relationship,

Is by not really being able to be present fully with the other person.

Obviously,

That's gotten a lot better as I've healed.

What I've really been thinking about is just the capacity that we have with different people and at different times in our life,

And the responsibility that all of us here are taking for our own emotional health,

Healing our own trauma,

And the fact that we're not perfect at it.

Of course,

None of us are perfect.

We'll all go back into our old survival strategies if we're pressed hard enough.

That might be we go into a freeze or numb.

We go into flight.

We go into a lashing out or a fight response sometimes.

In the boundaries work that we've been doing the last few weeks in the Sunday classes,

One of the quotes was that adults talk things out.

We don't lash out.

We don't act out.

We talk it out.

There's so much complexity to that because it really depends on where we're at with it,

But it also depends on the other person.

The whole of the relationship brings us to where we are right now.

Not just our relationship with a certain person even,

But also our relationships generally.

Sometimes we don't have a lot of softness in our heart for somebody.

Maybe they've gotten to the end of the road with us.

They've used up their chances.

Some of that is quite self-protective.

There really isn't a reason to stay in a relationship with someone who's contemptuous of us,

For instance,

Or who we feel takes too much work.

Yet there's a pull to keep relationships in place that many of us feel.

Some of it is we feel compassion for the pain that other people are in.

Some of it is that we want other people to give us an opportunity to be a better friend or whatever the relationship is.

I'm so grateful for the generosity of many people.

Sometimes it's not very healthy.

Sometimes it works out in the end.

Sometimes we drift away from people or we make a hard stop sometimes with people.

So there's such a complexity to this issue of a kind open heart.

It's way more than doing a practice of opening our heart or being in our heart center.

And I find that those practices are actually very helpful,

In part because we get to really see and connect with what are the barriers to having an open heart.

What we might aspire to isn't always what we get.

Sometimes a relationship is too difficult and we have to set it aside for a while or for maybe permanently.

Often I think the issue is that we're not in sync.

And I've had friendships that have gone into the past because the other person wasn't interested or available or didn't have the capacity at the same time that I did,

Or maybe I didn't at the one they needed it.

So to really work with this whole area of consideration with compassion and kindness for ourselves as well as other people.

Let's take a moment to reflect on that.

What's coming up for you right now,

Just hearing all of those words.

And that can create a flurry of activity in the mind and the thought stream.

It might have created some energy in the body as we're thinking about certain people,

Especially people who we're having difficulty with.

Our hearts respond.

There might be sadness,

Grief,

Anger,

Regret.

Let's take a moment to sit with whatever's here.

And as you're doing that and as we begin to really try to stay connected in your body,

If this is too much or too intense,

You can always open your eyes.

Do one of the regulating practices.

Hold your own hand.

Look around the room and do the 5 4 3 2 1,

Five things you can see.

Take some deep breaths.

Let your shoulders relax.

If your teeth are clenched,

Let them go.

Be aware of your breath and use your breath as a stabilizing or grounding connection.

And then bringing your attention in,

Notice your heart center.

Notice your whole body.

And what is it that you're feeling right now?

What are the associations,

The memories?

There's always a benefit to working with kindness.

I talk about kindness a lot.

I talk about compassion.

A lot of our guided practices are really based on that.

How can we connect with ourselves?

So many of us have that big inner critic going on or deficiency beliefs.

So kindness is really essential.

And so is truth.

Truth is the second of the principles of yoga meditation.

The first being kindness and compassion,

Non-harming.

And the second being truth.

So as we're working with the pain of interactions with people,

And the joy in our relationships too,

I'm sure we can all remember times when we've been really self-absorbed or self-centered and where the other person hasn't really been as real to us.

Maybe we've used somebody as a sounding board or we're really emotionally distraught and we just really need them to support us.

And that's totally legitimate.

That's the way we connect with people and it's the way we're in relationship with people.

And maybe what's coming forward too is that with some people or maybe even a lot of people,

That's our usual pattern.

And that's really contributing to people moving away from us or distancing themselves.

Or maybe it's someone else that we're seeing that in.

Just to notice there's so much complexity here.

Stay really connected with your breath.

Right in this moment,

We're doing an inquiry.

We're looking into this whole arena of opening and closing,

Engaging and distancing.

And that's not neutral for any of us.

We all have pain in this.

And it's really helpful to back away from that for a moment.

Just come back to letting that settle.

Come back to noticing your breath.

Take some deeper breaths.

Let your body relax and let go of the residue of that.

And sometimes it's helpful to use tools like tapping.

Just two fingers on the forehead,

Bring your attention into the sound,

The sensation of the tapping.

We want to remain present here in this moment as we're doing any kind of inquiry.

Put our hands on our heart.

Offer ourselves the warmth of our own hands,

Of our own support,

Our love.

And the truth is that we all screw it up.

We all mess up.

And oftentimes these are really important relationships,

And we have a lot of grief.

And we also have a willingness and a capacity to work on this.

We know that because we're here.

So we could acknowledge that too.

And really let in the goodness of our hearts as they are now.

And the compassion for what was going on in the past.

There are really good reasons why we've disconnected,

Why we've lashed out.

It doesn't make it right.

It just means that there are reasons.

And could we have an open,

Kind heart with ourself right now?

Could we allow our own humanity?

And if there is a certain person we're thinking about during this as well,

Maybe we could bring them into our heart too.

Along with that sense of regret or sadness,

Whatever it might be.

It is this way.

It happened the way it happened.

Can we sit with our own heart,

With openness,

Kindness,

Compassion?

And with truth.

And not truth in the sense of,

I'm a horrible person,

Because that is not true.

It's more of a truth of,

I've done some things that I regret,

I've missed some opportunities.

I so wish I had connected with that person in a different way.

We all experience that.

We're not bad people.

So if you find yourself going to that,

Open your eyes,

Do some tapping,

Look around the room.

It's not true.

You're not a bad person.

So don't let yourself go there.

Come back to kindness.

In my own hurt,

I've done things that I regret,

Or I've missed opportunities.

And right now I could open my heart a little bit,

Or maybe a lot.

Deep breaths.

Come back into your body if you've kind of lost the connection.

Notice your feet on the floor,

Your seat.

Notice the room you're in,

You can look around.

And come back again,

Engage with your own heart.

With our own heart and our own relationships and the messiness of being human,

With the truth and the kindness,

The open heartedness.

We could rest with that.

And before we finish the practice for right now,

Notice as well if you were to run kind of the highlight reel,

What was your experience?

What kinds of thoughts came up?

Who did you think about?

So as we're kind of doing this from an objective witness,

What came up for you during that practice?

And what defense mechanisms came in?

Did you find yourself drifting away?

Getting angry?

That need for bringing it up and stirring it up,

Or at someone else?

What were your responses?

What was your experience?

Did you go into a freeze where you just felt kind of numb?

And are you able to come back into ventral vagal,

The trust and connect with yourself?

So right now,

Those other people aren't here.

Those other relationships aren't happening right in this moment.

What we're really working with right now is our connection with our own heart and our own experience.

So as you breathe and let things settle,

Can you be present with yourself with kindness?

And notice if there are parts of your body that got tight,

You could let them soften forehead and eyebrows.

You might be clenching your teeth,

You could let your lower jaw relax,

The hinges of your jaw.

Neck and shoulders,

My favorite.

Let your shoulders move away from your ears.

Move your body around a bit.

Deep breaths in.

And then come back to the practice,

And we might feel a tremendous kindness and compassion for other people who are here,

And to see if we could include that,

Put ourselves in that as well.