Holding Space For Anger and Grief - Insight Timer Live

Welcome everyone.

I'm so grateful that you are here.

We have a lot of people registered for this incredible session today.

So while we allow a few people to arrive,

I would love to know in the chat where you're tuning in from.

So I see Bassy from South Africa.

That's amazing.

Oh,

Kathleen from the west coast in Canada.

One of my favorite places to visit.

Hey Beth,

So good to see you.

Hey Kiki.

So many incredible souls.

It's so nice to see returning guests in this space and also new faces as well.

So Holly from New Zealand and Jacob from Denmark.

I love Denmark.

I'm excited to go to New Zealand one day.

My next stop.

So it's so amazing to have you here.

And I'm incredibly humbled.

I'm incredibly honored and surprised at how many people have registered for this event today.

And it just tells me that there's something about the conversation about anger and grief that needs to happen.

That there's something that has stirred within you or piqued your interest to have these conversations.

And so I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for trusting me to hold space for this conversation today.

As we allow a few people to arrive,

I'm not sure if you saw in the comments,

But take a moment to grab some paper and a pen or a journal.

We're going to be doing a lot of reflecting today.

And this is on purpose.

I think oftentimes we don't give ourselves enough time to reflect on anger and grief.

And so I invite you to grab a journal.

And if you feel so inclined in the notes here,

If you want to pop in anything that resonates for you as we talk along,

I know a lot of people would appreciate that as well.

So it's really important when we talk about such difficult and complex emotions like anger and grief that we create a safe container together to have this conversation.

So I'm going to spend a few moments right now to go through some housekeeping.

And I know this might be repetitive for some folks,

But it's really important that we collectively come together to make sure that we are safely having this conversation.

So the very nature of talking about anger and grief carries such tremendous energy within us that can be triggering.

We might be feeling a little unsure about this conversation.

What am I going to make you think about?

We might read something in the comments that inherently might trigger you.

And so it's really important that collectively together we commit to making empowered choices for ourselves.

So what I mean by that is that if you're finding that the comments are too triggering,

Too much in any way,

Shape or form,

You can tap the comments on your mobile device or your tablet and they will minimize.

Or in your laptop,

You will see an eyeball icon.

You can click that and the comments will minimize for as long as you'd like.

And then you just re-click or re-tap and they will come back.

So please be mindful of what you're posting to this space.

A lot of folks here are from My Trauma Healing and Action Circle.

And almost every other day we talk about the importance of really being mindful before we click send.

When we're posting from a triggered space and someone else reads it,

It inherently that energy is contagious.

And especially if we are in the midst of our own healing,

We naturally are more highly sensitive.

And also there's a lot of people here who would identify as being an empath.

And empaths take on the energy of other people.

So just really important to be mindful of what you're posting.

There is a known glitch on Insight Timer where comments are disappearing.

Certain words you might post might actually not get posted.

I know Insight Timer is working around the clock to fix this known issue.

They are rapidly evolving at such a quick pace.

And I just I know they're working on these glitches.

So let's extend some grace and patience.

But I also want to acknowledge that it's very frustrating when posts actually disappear.

You feel rejecting,

You feel confusing.

And the beautiful sun is cracking through.

So I'm just going to turn my my blinds off so it's not right in my eye.

And if at any time in this session you find that you're struggling a few things,

Insight Timer has a help now link that has available crisis resources for individuals.

Feel free to navigate that.

It's a very difficult standard for one person to know across the globe where crisis resources live.

So Insight Timer has pulled together a help now link.

In terms of if you notice any offensive comments,

You can flag the comments.

And there is a team standing by.

And I also really invite you to think about if your question doesn't get answered today or you're struggling.

I am piloting a program with Insight Timer called Mentorship Sessions.

And it's right now piloting with the North American market and for iOS or Apple users.

And you can book directly with me a mentoring one on one session and you can go to my teacher profile to see that.

OK,

So that's some housekeeping rules.

I hope that that's OK.

Just really want to create that safe space for everybody.

So with that in mind,

Let's get started.

OK,

I'm just double checking if there's any questions or comments.

I don't see any,

So I'm going to take that as a sign to continue.

So for those of you who I haven't had the pleasure of connecting with first or this is the first time you've seen me,

My name is Megan and I am a teacher,

A meditation teacher and yoga instructor here on the Insight Timer app.

But in my other hats outside of this space,

I'm a clinical PTSD and trauma recovery researcher.

And so I do a lot of work with survivors of all different types and really love understanding how the impact of trauma imprints on our brain and our physiology.

Because I think when we can explore the mechanism of the trauma response in the body,

We no longer need to subjectively debate what traumatic exposures are enough.

And we can look at what's the universal experience of the imprint of trauma on the human.

And when it comes to anger and grief,

I think this is a universal experience as well.

I don't think we get out of this lifetime without experiencing anger or grief in some way,

Shape or form.

And so admittedly,

As I was preparing this talk,

This little voice kind of crept in saying,

You know,

Megan,

Who are you to be talking about anger and grief when you're right in the thick of it?

And I say this to start off because as someone who has a doctoral level education,

I think it's really important for me to name this,

To name my humaneness as well.

I do have expertise in trauma recovery and autonomic nervous system regulation,

But it doesn't mean I've mastered the work on anger and grief.

And that's a really important distinction for me to make.

In fact,

I really feel like if I came here on this call professing that I had this magic theoretical framework or magic scientific process on navigating anger and grief,

I think I would piss a lot of people off,

Pardon the expression,

But I do.

And I really do believe that if I professed I have mastered this work,

That that wouldn't be authentic.

And that would be a sign that I actually need to do the work a little bit more.

And so I come to you with this talk today to share that while I have expertise in some areas,

I also am human and I'm also walking alongside you in your experience of anger and grief.

I'm right there with you.

And so this is intentionally called holding space for anger and grief,

Not perfecting it,

Not mastering it,

Not knowing the answer,

Because it's also such a personal experience.

No two people experience anger and grief in the same way.

So I don't think I'd be doing a service to come on here and say,

Here's what you need to do.

I'm going to reflect with you today.

So we've got lots of questions coming up that I'm going to pose to the group.

And I'd love to see your comments.

And then I'm going to share a few nuggets of wisdom that I've picked up along my way in my education and my training.

And so the last thing I'll say is that in my clinical work,

I made a promise to myself,

Especially when having the privilege of working with so many incredible survivors,

That I wouldn't avoid tough topics like this.

I wouldn't say I have to be the expert before I talk about it.

I promised myself that I would talk about the tough things like shame and anger and grief and all these tender topics,

Because I too am grappling with figuring this out.

So I hope that that gives you a better idea of my approach.

And let's get started.

OK,

So I've got my notes right in front of me.

I want to make sure I'm staying on track.

So the way that we heal our anger and grief,

One of the ways that I feel leads to this healing approach is by naming it,

Is by talking about it,

Is by bringing these conversations to public spaces rather than feeling like we handle these on our own.

And so today's really a dialogue.

Before we get into the dialogue,

I want to take us through a bit of a grounding meditation,

Because I think it's important that we center ourselves before we get into the topic.

OK,

And this is really important for me as well,

Because I'm a little nervous as well.

It's such a big topic and so many people have registered.

So I want to make sure we feel centered and grounded.

One of the meditations I thought I'd lead us through is looking at using the Padma Mudra,

OK,

Or known as the Lotus Mudra.

And the lotus flower to me and to many people,

Actually,

I'm sure there's people on this call that have a lotus flower tattoo.

The lotus flower is one of the most sacred symbols in our spiritual realm.

The lotus flower doesn't grow in marble,

Pristine conditions.

The lotus flower has to grow in mud.

Its roots are latched in the mud.

So in that murky,

Dark mud.

And the lotus flower submerges at night,

It closes at night,

And reblooms the next morning with purity and with perfection.

And I love the lotus because it represents growth,

It represents our perseverance.

It represents so much about our unwavering faith to rise from the dark,

From the mud of our lives.

So the Lotus Mudra really reminds me that beauty often emerges from the darkest times,

That we can't blossom,

Grow and bloom without the mud in our lives.

And so when we use this mudra,

And I'll go through it shortly,

It can help us reflect upon the challenges we find ourselves in right now.

Especially with this talk being about anger and grief,

Maybe you find yourself in the thick of one of these emotions.

The Lotus Mudra is used to channel some of our life energy,

And it helps us physically and energetically as well.

So the position of the hands for the Lotus Mudra is to bring the palms of the heels together.

And then you're going to connect your pinky finger and your thumb and spread the rest of your fingers out,

As if they were blossoming as the lotus flower.

So I'm just going to show you what my hands look like here.

The thumbs and the pinkies are connected,

And there's energy through the hands here.

As you're comfortable,

So sometimes this might cause a little bit of wrist pain for individuals,

So always feel free to bring in the lotus leaves a little bit closer if that's more comfortable.

You can also tilt the hands forward,

Or you can connect the thumbs to the heart center,

Because the Lotus Mudra is actually connected to our heart chakra,

Our fourth chakra.

And this is the chakra that's linked to love,

Not only for other people,

But for our own selves,

Compassion,

Empathy,

Acceptance,

And so forth.

So oftentimes the Mudra is held right at our heart center.

And so we're going to just take a few moments to spend some time with our Lotus Mudra and setting an intention to practice Ahimsa today,

Which is kindness and unharming,

Both to yourself and to others.

So as you're comfortable,

Gently unraveling the feet and connecting the soles of the feet to the ground.

If you're seated,

Noticing what it feels like to ground the seat through the solid surface beneath you as you rise and gently lift through the spine.

Emphasizing your comfort here.

What does it feel like to move your body into an empowered posture,

Whatever that feels like for you today?

For some of us,

That might mean dropping the shoulders away from the ears.

That might mean softening the space between the forehead and the eyebrows.

That might mean a subtle unclenching of the jaw.

The invitation is to draw the eyes to a close,

Or if you're more comfortable,

You can just direct the gaze downwards.

I'm taking a moment to tune into your flow of breath in this moment.

Not trying to change your breath in any way,

Remembering that your body already knows.

Just consciously tuning into your flow of breath in and out of the body.

Just sensing what your breath might be telling you about your current emotional or physical tone in your body.

Remembering there's no right or wrong sensation or emotion that you should or shouldn't feel.

Just honoring what is true for us in this moment.

Giving ourselves permission to be as we are,

Right here,

Right now,

Together.

When you feel comfortable,

Gently bowing the head in reverence to yourself.

And noticing your lotus mudra here,

Maybe spreading the fingertips a little bit wider.

Drawing the gaze down into the center of that mudra.

I'm taking a moment to set an intention for this talk today for yourself.

Maybe your intention today is to listen with an open mind or beginner's mindset.

Maybe your intention today is to acknowledge and validate something for yourself that perhaps you were previously judging or denying.

Maybe your intention today is to be fully present for yourself.

Or to perhaps practice and honor the humanness that's shared here in this space together.

The honor that everyone has their own unique journey with anger,

With grief,

With sadness.

Sending yourself a breath of gratitude for making it to this talk today.

And also collectively extending that gratitude to each and every single person on this call today.

Collectively,

When we name anger and grief,

We allow it to dissolve,

We allow it to lose its power over us so that we can live more free and more authentically.

Gently making any subtle movements in the fingers and the toes,

Maybe releasing those wrists and interlacing the fingers.

You've done a beautiful job everyone and you can use that lotus mudra at any time to bring yourself back to that sacred symbolism that sometimes our greatest learnings,

Greatest discoveries come from our darkest days.

We need the mud in our lives in order to blossom.

So anger and grief are inextricably connected and interwoven.

They don't exist in isolation from one another.

I'm going to explain throughout this talk how anger and grief interweave.

So I'm going to start with anger because anger is a secondary emotion.

So what I mean by that is that anger is the surface level emotion that often masks more deeper,

More vulnerable emotions of grief,

Of shame,

Of deep sadness.

So anger is that surface level,

That armor that's masking a more vulnerable emotion.

Anger really has a purpose.

It serves to give us a sense of feeling powerful and justified.

And this is really important because anger typically results from experiences that disempower or are a result of injustice.

Anger surfaces when our core values,

The core beliefs and values of who we are,

Have been violated by other people or have been violated by ourselves.

Anger surfaces when we feel like maybe we sold out on ourselves or went against our own core beliefs.

And that's a really uncomfortable place to sit in.

Anger surfaces when we feel like we didn't listen to our gut instinct.

Anger surfaces when other people do this to us as well.

So there's that complexity of that individual inner and the external other causing to us.

Flat out,

Anger is deeply painful and it's a very tender process to know how to navigate holding space for that emotion.

And collectively,

We don't know how to feel and move through anger because of the conditioning that we've been exposed to since childhood on top of the conditioning of societal expectations.

So anger is deeply nuanced.

It's deeply layered.

Every single person,

How many people do we have on this call?

Four hundred and forty seven different versions of anger.

And so it's nuanced.

It's layered.

It's a very personal experience.

So thinking about in your life,

Thinking about your earliest memories of growing up,

How you were reared and raised.

Many of us have been made to believe that anger is wrong,

That anger is to be feared or that anger is to be avoided or tiptoed around altogether.

Some people have experienced all three of these in your upbringing.

Some people have a predominant way that they experienced the conditioning of how we navigate anger.

Many of us have learned through people in power positions or people in caring positions that anger is a way to assert power and control over others.

What's increasingly interesting is really considering the ways that anger is expressed typically in society and how anger is not expressed in society.

Many of us can't show anger.

Some people cannot react with anger or express anger based on their gender and based on their race.

And this is where it gets nuanced because once a certain person expresses or reacts with anger,

That is all people will see of that person.

They will be labeled in a way that makes it very difficult to hear that person.

So what I mean by that is that based on certain genders,

Certain races,

Certain ways of being that society expectations have placed on us,

Somebody who deviates from that and shows anger could be labeled as out of control,

Aggressive,

A proverbial capital B-I-T-C-H,

Unstable.

Okay,

So once a label is made when someone has a right to feel anger,

Listening no longer happens.

You only hear the person through the filter of the label.

So pot me a few hearts if this is making sense.

I'll say that again.

Once a label is made on someone who's expressing anger,

Listening can no longer happen.

Because you will only hear the person through the filter in which the label was made.

So I can only speak from my own experience right now,

But this is as a woman in the field of academia.

If I express anger over a decision or a political decision,

I am more likely to have a label bestowed upon me than my white male counterpart.

And we can see this show up in the Black Lives Matters movement.

A lot of justified anger is being held and experienced,

But it's very difficult for individuals who identify as a person of color to express anger,

Because then they get typecast as being a certain way.

And now we're no longer listening.

We're just listening.

We're just seeing through the label.

And so this can happen in so many different realms.

I saw somebody mention about children.

Lots of times in the elementary school system,

Children who are grappling with anger get labeled as being problem children,

ADHD.

Lots of different labels happen,

And it becomes so difficult for individuals to move out of the label.

And so it's a really big complexity because then we have no place to put this anger,

And it starts to eat away at us on the inside.

And that's where it gets dangerous,

Because if we have unexpressed anger,

Anger that hasn't moved through us,

We essentially endanger our well-being in all facets.

So I'm here to say today that,

First of all,

Your anger is valid and justified,

Period.

I don't need to know your life story.

I don't need to know what's happened to you in order to say that your anger is justified.

It is a necessary emotion.

It is a universal emotion.

So many beneficial things come from anger.

So many movements,

So many changes come from the power of anger.

Think about women's voting rights,

Policy changes in institutions and workplaces,

Political shifts,

The Black Lives Matter movement,

The Me Too movement.

There is a certain level of anger that is necessary in order to mobilize and affect change.

Anger,

When properly expressed and experienced,

Can facilitate change.

Where it's not helpful,

And I saw somebody,

I think Keith,

Said,

Is how you react to it.

And it's this idea of discerning between empowered anger or disempowered anger.

And we're going to dive in to what the difference is,

And I think you'll likely be able to pick up on that.

So as a trauma researcher,

I talk a lot about how the trauma response in the body is essentially a stress response that didn't get the opportunity to complete itself.

It's still living.

It's still imprinting in the body.

And the same idea,

I'm going to dive into some of the neurophysiology of anger,

Because it's what I love.

It's the same idea with anger,

Especially unexpressed or repressed anger,

Anger with no place to go.

It's essentially recreating that exact same trauma response in the body by holding us in a neural pathway that's conducive to trauma.

So unresolved anger acts as a poison to our brain and our body.

It really does damaging effects if we don't express it or allow it.

So anger,

A moment of anger is a power surge in the body.

It's a mobilizing emotion.

So the sensation in the body is that you've been activated.

It produces the fight or flight response in the body.

And this is collectively known as our sympathetic nervous system or sympathetic overdrive,

We can call it.

Through lots of chemical reactions and,

You know,

If you want to talk with me for hours on what that is,

We can outside this call.

So anger produces a host of chemical reactions in the body,

Namely producing adrenaline,

That adrenaline rush to activate that fight or flight response.

And this is helping the body mobilize to fight injustice,

To stand up for things that you think are wrong and to also protect yourself.

So I want you to think about how does anger show up in your physiology?

Pop into the comments when you think about anger in your body.

What does that show up as for you?

If you were on my chat in December on shame,

We looked at the neurophysiology of shame.

There's some similarities,

But there's also some differences.

So Ella says tense muscles,

Tracy clenched teeth,

Catherine,

Gut clenching,

Face heating,

Debaca tightening of muscles in the neck and shoulders,

Burning in the stomach,

Somebody says,

Clenching muscles,

Stephanie,

Marcy increased heart rate,

Mary red faced heart racing,

Tightness in the stomach,

Acutely aware of your surroundings.

Yes,

Exactly.

So I want you,

If you're comfortable in this moment,

To think about putting your body in a moment of anger.

So do you see what I did there where it's that surge in the body,

The fist might clench,

The jaw clenches,

We constrict the body into this posture.

We might also puff up the body.

Anger is a response that tries to give us a sense of power.

A shame that we talked about in December,

We want to make ourselves small,

We want to curl into ourselves and protect.

Anger has a component where we want to puff up and show that we are big,

We are strong,

We are powerful.

We can clench,

We can purse lips,

We can furl the eyebrow,

We can feel that bursting veins,

We've got blood pressure coursing through our veins here.

So you've got it.

All of you know this,

How anger shows up in our physiology.

So think about what is the impact of that if we don't actually move that energy surge out of our body,

If it just gets locked in our body?

What do you think is possible?

So this is what fascinates me in my work is really understanding what happens if we don't give ourselves the opportunity to move that energy out of the body.

Dana says,

It bangs around inside breaking things.

You're absolutely right.

I love that.

I like visualizing pots and pans,

But that happening to our organs.

That's amazing.

So when anger has no place to go,

When we've been silenced,

Shamed,

Invalidated,

Negative,

It erodes our inner internal system and shows up as dis-ease.

So I like to separate the two,

Dis-ease.

So it shows up as inflammation in the body.

It shows up as autoimmune conditions if chronic over time.

It can show up as GI conditions when we're in that angered state and we're clenched,

We're tense,

We're constricted.

We're not giving our organs and our amazing cardiovascular system the opportunity to breathe.

We're not creating space for that.

We're closing in on that.

So this optimal function of our inner system is completely compromised and that can lead to so many different hosts of emotions or symptoms as well as emotions and something that's called psychosomatic symptoms.

And this is one of the most frustrating things sometimes in the medical world is you can go get a ton of tests.

You know something is inherently not quite right inside.

You've done all these tests and then all of a sudden they all come back normal.

And so psychosomatic symptoms is really symptoms that aren't proven by medical science,

But you know psychologically that they're happening.

And this is what can happen when anger doesn't move out of the body.

And yes,

Julia,

This is very in line with The Body Keeps the Score,

One of my foundational pieces of work that support my research.

Yes,

So The Body Keeps the Score is a fantastic book by Dr.

Bessel van der Kolk.

So thank you for sharing that.

Anger puts us into a deeper survival response.

So anger typically results from an event,

Usually distressing or traumatic,

That already is inherently going to impact us.

And anger shows up to put us in a deeper survival response if we don't process it.

And that means that we're more likely to act out from an impulsive perspective because from here's a little brain anatomy.

Right in the forehead,

Our watchtower here,

So right behind the forehead,

Lives our prefrontal cortex.

Really big fancy word for this region of the brain that is unique to human beings.

So this is what makes us humans is the part of the brain that sits just behind the forehead.

And this is the part of the brain that helps us make rational decisions.

This is the part of the brain that helps us respond versus react to problem solve,

To plan our retirement in the future.

When we've experienced trauma and chronic anger,

This part of the brain gets deactivated.

It shrinks.

It doesn't function optimally.

So we're more susceptible to going into more primitive responses,

Which is that impulsive behavior,

That survival protection mechanism,

If that makes sense.

And it's not wrong.

There's nothing wrong with you if you've had an outburst or if you aggressively or impulsively eat.

It's not wrong.

It's just noticing this makes sense because there's something that hasn't been processed or moved out of your body yet.

What isn't helpful?

So talked a lot about how anger is helpful,

Adaptive.

It's necessary.

It's mobilizing.

But what isn't helpful is if unresolved anger is festering.

When anger is not able to be expressed in a healthy way,

It may lead to turning anger on yourself and also turning anger on others.

So let's differentiate there.

So unhelpful,

Unresolved anger turned on yourself can be disguised as what?

So think about if you can't express your anger and you're now applying anger to yourself,

How does that show up?

This could be the inner critic.

This could be shaming yourself.

This could be self-disgust.

This could be shrinking,

Hiding,

Perfectionism,

Resentment I'm seeing,

Self-harm I'm seeing.

This could be putting on that proverbial happy face and masking that you're actually feeling anger.

Beautiful.

Addictions,

Shrinking,

Eating disorders.

You got this.

You know this.

And so thinking about somebody in your life that maybe is going through some of these,

Maybe there's a way that you can now think,

Hmm,

How might I help them explore navigating some of that anger?

So it's great work that you're doing.

See,

Collectively we know this.

Now turning that anger onto somebody else,

What does that show up like?

What does that look like?

So this could be really obvious things like blaming somebody or outbursts.

This could be the obvious anger or this could be other types of behaviors like sarcasm or passive aggressive tendencies,

Stonewalling somebody or totally giving them the silent treatment.

This could look like red holding blowups in the workplace in families,

Et cetera.

And this is not an exhaustive list.

This is,

You know,

These are just examples.

And I see lots of great examples coming as well.

Exactly.

One of the more curious examples of anger that I'm seeing,

Especially since the pandemic,

Is this online exploitation.

There's an anonymity.

There's an impulsivity of online trolling,

Exploiting,

Criticizing,

Shaming that are all anger in disguise.

Collectively with this pandemic,

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that we are collectively grappling with anger in many different ways.

And this is going to seep out somehow if we don't collectively begin to work on this.

And so I see it a lot in virtual spaces as well.

And you might,

Too.

So the tough truth,

And I don't think that's right.

The sun is like right in my eyes.

The tough truth here is that even though our anger is valid and justified,

We are responsible for how we respond to our own anger.

And this is a process.

And this is where it gets tough.

Right.

We might feel completely justified,

Valid in our anger,

But we are responsible for responding to it,

Not reacting to it.

So let's dive into some journal prompts to really talk through some of this.

If you're with me.

So journal prompt number one,

Step one,

Name it.

Maybe you've heard the term name it to tame it.

This is step one.

So the journal prompt is what triggers anger within you.

When you can name your own anger,

You can now work with it.

When you keep it suppressed,

You can't work with it.

It's going to get this done right on my face.

So let me say that again.

When you can name and own your anger,

You now have the capability to work with it.

When you suppress it or deny it,

You can't work with it.

So step one is to name it.

What are the triggers?

What triggers anger within you?

And is there a possibility that unresolved anger lives within you right now as a result of a past experience,

Past event or a person?

And no matter how long ago this was,

No matter the context or what society says,

Really take a moment to name it.

What triggers anger within you?

And is there a possibility that unresolved anger lives within you right now?

So I see,

Let's see,

Sheila saying feeling ignored.

Yeah,

That absolutely would trigger anger.

Ella,

Seeing people not follow safety protocols has been so hard.

Yes,

Absolutely.

And feeling injustice.

Yeah,

Exactly.

And so take a moment to really think about what are the experiences that trigger that feeling of anger within you?

Step two,

Get curious.

So step one was naming it.

Step two is getting curious.

When I say get curious,

Thinking about what does your anger armor or anger mask look like?

OK,

It's going to look different for everybody because we all are nuanced.

So thinking about where might unexpressed anger be showing up in your behaviors towards yourself,

At work,

With your family,

With your partner?

We can have different armors that are masking anger in different contexts.

We might be,

Lani,

I see saying,

Over explaining in one realm.

Maybe you're an over explainer in your work hat.

Maybe you're a stonewaller or silent person,

Passive aggressive in your family.

Maybe with yourself,

You are a perfectionist.

OK,

So it doesn't it's not consistent across our hats.

Share.

I've got this.

I'm fine.

No emotions.

So good.

So good.

And this is where this is so powerful is in community when we can name it together,

It starts to lessen its power.

See,

Amy saying,

Yes,

Lani.

Wow.

I never thought of that.

So Lani just gave this collective community of people a gift by saying,

Hey,

I over explain when I'm angry.

And now someone's like,

Whoa,

I'm making a connection there.

That happens to me,

Too.

So this is the power of community.

This is the power here happening.

So think about what is your anger armor look like and break it down into the hats that you wear?

What are the behaviors towards yourself at work with your family,

With friends,

With colleagues,

Et cetera,

Because it's not always consistent.

And it may not be super clear right away.

And that's OK.

This is lifelong work that we're doing.

This is not something in,

You know,

The next 10 minutes that you're expected to master or get perfect.

But it's like,

Let's get curious.

Let's see if something is masking actual anger.

So beautiful sharing.

I love this.

So step one was name it.

Step two is get curious.

Step three,

Radical honesty.

So this is the tough question here.

What are the more vulnerable feelings that your anger might be masking?

Are there feelings of fear,

Abandonment,

Deep disappointment,

Grief and loss or a need being dismissed or invalidated?

Sometimes anger can get coupled with pride where we're not able to admit that really underneath the anger that we're feeling is this fear of being abandoned or fear of being ridiculed or being told you're not enough.

So it's really important that you sit with this radical honesty,

With tenderness,

With compassion,

With patience,

Because it's not always clear right away what anger might actually be masking.

Sometimes we become blinded in the anger to actually sit with the painful feelings of the fear that you might be having,

The fear of being hurt,

Someone saying,

The fear of being inadequate,

The fear of being called out,

The fear of abandonment,

Ixie says.

Like,

I resonate so much with all of these.

There isn't one thing that somebody said that I'm like,

That doesn't apply.

This is the collective human experience that anger masks.

Yeah,

Marcie,

Rejection,

Jamie being inconsequential.

Absolutely.

Fear of disapproval,

For sure.

One of mine,

I'll be totally honest,

Is as I keep doing this work,

There's that fear of at one point in my life,

I'll become irrelevant.

What does that look like?

Like that's a deep fear that anger can really mask.

Humiliation,

I resonate with.

The fear of not being man enough for your wife.

Thank you,

Joe,

For that honesty.

Fear of not surviving.

You guys,

You all came to hold space for anger and grief today.

Okay,

So those are the first three journal prompts.

Name it.

What are your anger triggers?

Two,

Get curious.

What does your anger mask look like in different hats in your life?

Three,

Get radically honest.

What is anger masking?

What's underneath the anger?

That's a little more tender,

A little more vulnerable.

And it's okay if you can't identify it in this moment.

This is process,

Right?

So I'm going to move on now to grief and then end with the final two journal prompts.

And I'll leave some time for questions at the end.

I really want to make sure you're taking away some content.

So I see some beautiful questions,

But you came for content and I really want to bring that to you.

So grief.

Whoa,

Whoa,

Whoa.

Grief is painful.

But grief is also inevitable.

We cannot escape grief if we truly want to live an authentic life.

And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that every single person that's here in this moment is here because they are seeking how to live more authentically,

Which means that going through grief is going to be part of that process.

The antidote to grief,

How we heal grief,

Is naming it here.

This is the start.

By allowing yourself to name it and also giving yourself permission to feel the spectrum of emotions that come with grief,

Like deep loss,

Inner rage,

Absolute brokenheartedness,

Overwhelming sadness,

Confusion,

Uncertainty,

That deep void or hole.

I see Heidi saying you lost your cat on Sunday,

Kim saying her dad passed away.

Like these are deep voids in our lives that will create a spectrum of emotion that is collectively known as grief.

Living with courage,

Living authentically,

Is not the absence of feeling these.

I want to say that again.

Living with courage and living authentically is not the absence of feeling brokenhearted,

Overwhelming sadness,

Confusion,

Uncertainty,

And grief.

Living with courage is allowing yourself to feel those.

One of my mentors once said to me,

And I always like to pass this along,

That where there was once grief,

There was once love.

And it doesn't have to be love for a specific person.

It could be a love for something.

It could be a love for some part of yourself.

But where there was once grief,

There was once love.

And I like to remind myself of that when I'm going through grief to think about what was it that I really loved.

And that can help navigate that.

Death and loss.

So I've seen a lot of death and loss in the comments already are what we shape our understanding of grief around.

But as I mentioned at the beginning,

My life's work,

Like I know without a doubt that my life's work in calling is to uncover the many ways that we don't look at things.

Specifically,

When it comes to trauma,

I like to look at the mechanism of trauma,

Rather than debate the merits of what is enough to warrant a traumatic event.

With grief,

It's the same thing.

I want to look at not only death and loss.

Those are absolutely the most obvious points of grief.

But I want to look at other forms of grief that we don't talk about enough that we deny.

And this is known as disenfranchised grief.

That's the technical term for what I'm going to talk about.

You can write that in your journal.

Disenfranchised grief.

That's what I'm going to talk about today.

So disenfranchised grief is grief that is not validated or acknowledged by society or close others.

Disenfranchised grief is grief that leaves a person feeling isolated,

Confused,

And alone in their experience.

Disenfranchised grief can lead to the person feeling on the defense or having to over explain the complexity of their emotions.

So some of the examples,

And I want to hear from you as well.

Some examples of disenfranchised grief.

One,

Women who experience a miscarriage.

Two,

Surrendering a child for adoption.

Three,

Choosing to end or leave a marriage.

Even if you know it's the best situation for you,

There is often grief that comes from that.

That can be disenfranchised.

The transition to a new identity.

So from going from a couple to now parents can come with grief.

But we don't talk about it because we believe we should be elated for this new bundle of joy.

But that identity shift can cause some grief.

Retirement,

Leaving your life career and entering into retirement can come with disenfranchised grief.

But we think,

Oh,

Sweet,

Now they get to party it up in retirement.

People who are going through sex changes.

There's a lot of grief with the loss of the previous identity that can occur.

Grief,

Loss of a family member due to suicide.

Long-term grief that is deemed unacceptable.

In today's workplaces,

Even in hospice palliative care,

We still only give three to seven days of bereavement leave.

Three to seven days of bereavement leave for grief.

Long-term grief.

One of my experiences in my life happened 27 years ago.

And there are people who won't want to hear about that because they think you should be over it by now.

So there's disenfranchised grief that occurs when you've had a long-term grieving process that people are not comfortable hearing about anymore because it's been so long.

I know a ton of women who have had experience,

The loss of an unborn child through miscarriage,

Who 15 years later,

They still silently have a ritual,

A memorial.

But they don't share that publicly because they would be told,

Oh,

You should be thankful for what you have.

Loss of connection during this pandemic.

We are designed as human beings for connection and belonging.

So loss of connection during this pandemic can be a form of disenfranchised grief,

Even though we're connected virtually.

Anticipatory grief.

So a very honest example.

I anticipate the day I will be without my dog and I'm grieving his loss when he's still with me.

Society would deem that ridiculous,

But I have so much love for my dog that there's moments where I go into grieving him,

Even though he's with me.

So let me just see what some of the people are saying as well,

Because I know this is going to touch on some really important work here.

Kate,

Thank you so much.

So grieving your mom way before she passed.

Yes,

I understand.

Oh,

Vicki,

Thank you.

I know I grieve my dog every day.

OK,

I see a lot of support with fur babies and animals.

Yes.

Grief for another family member's loss before you were born.

Yeah,

Dana,

Great example.

Grief from emotional abuse from parents as a child.

Yes,

Keith,

Absolutely.

I would say the grief might be about what would your life have looked like had you not experienced that.

So grieving the loss of childhood that maybe you wonder about.

So that's how I would reframe that.

Chris,

Unrequited love.

Absolutely.

Infertility.

Yes.

All of these things.

Like I am blown away.

I am absolutely blown away that you're showing up here and naming the very things that we sweep under the rug or that we get too uncomfortable to hold space for for enough time.

So I just really want to thank each and every one of you for the courage right now.

And even if you're not typing,

But you're reading the comments come through and you are still an important part of holding space for this conversation.

So,

Oh my gosh,

This is amazing.

So I just want to honor this idea of disenfranchised grief.

It's still as important as the loss,

The death of somebody we love,

But there's so many other types of grief that we experience that get collectively denied or pushed under the rug.

And so by naming it here by starting this conversation,

We allow it to come up to the surface and it's just craving to come up and be seen and held and loved by us like that's just what grief and anger want from us.

They want our love and our attention.

So beautiful.

Okay,

So I'm not going to go to five stages of grief.

I think we all collectively,

You know,

Heard over and over the five stages of grief.

You can look that up as well.

What I do want to talk about comes from one of my dearest cherished authors and researchers,

Brené Brown.

I'm sure that's not a new name for people.

Brené Brown talks about grief in her book Rising Strong,

And I know someone may not catch that book.

So if there's someone here to write that in the comments,

Please write that book.

So Brené Brown's book Rising Strong,

She talks about grief as being an entanglement of loss,

Longing,

And feeling lost.

So Brené Brown refers to grief as this entanglement between three things,

Loss,

Longing,

And feeling loss.

Loss can be the obvious loss of a loved one,

But it can also be the feeling that we are missing something that was unknown to us while we had it,

But now it's gone,

And it's deeply painful.

So I want to say that again.

Loss is,

It can be the physical loss of someone,

But also the feeling as if we're missing something that was unknown to us while it was present,

But now it's gone,

And it's really painful.

So the example.

When I think of my grandfather,

I can hardly like talk about it because it brings me so much emotion.

The loss I experienced is the way his face lit up when he saw me,

The way that he delighted in seeing me.

I didn't really pay attention too much to it,

But now that he's gone,

And we're in this pandemic,

And there's really no one lighting up when I'm around in public spaces,

There's that loss there.

Another example,

And this goes to what Keith was saying about perhaps experiencing some kind of trauma or abuse in childhood.

Loss of that childhood,

Loss of what might have been had I not gone through that experience.

That's what loss looks like.

It can be the physical loss of someone,

But it can also look like those little small things that you really didn't pay attention to too much when they were there,

And now that they're gone,

It's so painful.

This can be the way somebody choose their dinner.

This could be the dog's tail wagging.

This could be those little things that you maybe didn't recognize,

And now they're gone and you're like,

Oh,

That's such a loss to me.

The next piece on that grief definition is longing.

So longing is an involuntary yearning.

So we're not consciously choosing it,

It's just involuntary,

It's happening.

This deep yearning or craving to feel whole,

To feel understood,

And to find meaning.

So thinking about,

Is there a sense of longing that's connected to your grief?

That longing to know what life would feel like without fear,

That longing to know,

Had I been in a different place at a different time,

What would life look like,

That yearning to feel whole,

Understood,

And complete,

And that you found meaning.

Longing to feel unconditional love,

Longing to feel like you matter to somebody.

So lots of,

You know,

Painful,

Tender feelings come from longing.

And then finally,

There's this sense of feeling lost that occurs with grief,

This,

You know,

Overwhelming feeling of being uprooted,

This overwhelming feeling of being unsettled physically,

Emotionally,

And socially.

Really sitting in that uncertainty of like,

I don't know what direction to go.

I don't know whether to look left or right,

Step forwards or backwards.

I don't know what to do with this.

And so collectively,

Loss,

Longing,

And feeling lost,

Create this experience of grief.

And it's deeply tender work.

It's deeply painful.

So get your journal back out because we're going to now go through the last journal prompts.

So we did the first three.

Name it.

Get curious.

And radical honesty.

Now step four is radical responsibility.

So the question to ask yourself,

Are you willing,

Are you willing to work with the anger and grief surfacing?

So step four is radical responsibility.

Asking yourself,

Getting really radically honest about asking yourself,

Are you willing to work with this?

Because some people right in their lives right now might not be.

It might be more comfortable,

More safe for you to sit in anger and grief from a disempowered place.

And that's okay.

Sometimes we need to sit in the luck of it before we can figure out how do we work with it.

So asking yourself,

Are you actually willing,

Are you willing to work with anger and grief?

And then asking yourself,

How might you learn to be with anger and grief and trust that it's not going to overtake you?

How might you learn to be with anger and grief and build trust in yourself that it won't overtake you?

Because I promise you,

This is again one of those absolutes I know without a doubt,

That you have done harder things.

That you have,

If you are grappling with anger and grief and you're afraid that it's going to overtake you,

I promise you that what you've been experiencing leading up to this moment is a lot harder than allowing yourself to move through anger and grief.

It's getting over that hump of saying,

Okay,

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to go two feet in.

And it's different for everybody.

That level of readiness doesn't happen right away.

There needs to be some time there.

Okay,

So let's end with some strategies.

We've got about 10 minutes left.

So strategies that I've collectively put together and I feel like you're going to give me lots of great strategies as well.

Five strategies.

One,

Bring grief to public spaces.

Name it.

If it's one mantra today,

It's name it.

Name it,

Name it,

Name it.

When we talk more about our grief,

We give others permission to do the same.

Look at what's happened in this space.

Look at what's happened in this conversation.

There's been connections made.

Aha moments.

People saying,

Wow,

I didn't realize I was not alone in this.

We deepen our experience of what it means to be human when we talk about things like grief and anger.

And instead of fixing each other,

Instead of rushing to fix and do all the things of fixing,

When we talk about it,

Collectively,

We learn to hold space for it.

And this idea of holding space means allowing it to be there,

Allowing grief and anger to be there as it is.

What if we didn't need to fix it?

What if we allowed it to just be there to name it?

Number two,

And I know Lonnie is on this call and she'll probably chime in,

Release the should voice.

Stop shoulding yourself.

Hopefully I said that carefully.

So there are no competitive Olympics with how we should or shouldn't deal with grief.

Social media is the killer of our own trust in ourselves because we start to compare our own journey with what a highlight reel somebody else is putting on.

Grief is deeply,

Deeply personal.

We must give ourselves permission to allow our grief and our anger to unfold as they will for us.

We centering yourself to grief and anger that's your own is so important.

It's so important.

Number three,

Connect to your craft and self expression.

I know one of the dear souls in my trauma healing and action circle is on this call,

And she doesn't know I'm going to highlight her but I'm going to.

One of our dear souls Kate does beautiful mandala art.

We cannot always think our way through grief.

We cannot always think our way through trauma healing.

Grief,

Anger,

Trauma,

And anger live in our body.

Not in our cognition only.

Okay,

Reef,

Anger,

Trauma,

Live in our body as a sensation of heaviness as a sensation of emptiness as a sensation of an eight.

Sometimes,

The best way to allow grief and anger and trauma to move through you is by your creative self expression,

Drawing your beautiful mandala art,

Creating jewelry,

Singing,

Dancing,

Working with clay,

Working with wood,

Working with metal.

We don't craft for the purpose of selling or displaying,

But allow ourselves to connect with the essence,

The truth of who we are,

So that the feelings can find their way to the surface.

Yeah,

Painting,

Sewing,

There's so many examples.

Exactly.

Beautiful.

Getting out into nature.

Ruling your favorite cup of coffee.

Exactly.

Number four,

Understanding the difference between down regulation and up regulation strategies.

Sometimes we actually need to meet the energy of anger and grief with the same intensity.

So sometimes calming and soothing practices might not always be the answer.

We overemphasize this idea of calming the body down when sometimes we actually have to meet our anger and grief with that same intensity.

So an up regulation strategy that counters this is,

There's so many ideas,

Boxing,

Running,

Those stress balls that you see.

I brought a little towel here.

One of the practices I do with clients is I have them hold and squeeze a towel.

Okay,

So we twist the towel.

So think of the energy that has to happen to twist the towel and we explore the experience of anger together by doing that.

So we meet anger with the same intensity.

I see Amy DeSing scribbling really fast.

Yeah,

Beautiful.

Sometimes there's those fidget spinners or those anxiety rings or I don't know what they're called.

But exactly.

Sometimes we have to rise up pounding a pillow,

Kathleen.

Beautiful example.

And in safe ways,

Obviously.

Rise up to meet the intensity of anger with an outlet or an activity that helps move that intensity out.

And so if you're someone that's like,

Ah,

Like mindfulness doesn't work for me,

Maybe it's because you have to work on up regulation strategies first before you can get to those down regulation strategies.

Yeah,

Melissa.

Awesome.

A good scream,

A good cry.

Beautiful.

You got this.

You got this.

So I just want to validate that we need to do both down regulation is calming,

Soothing,

Returning the body to a regulated state.

But so is up regulation.

Up regulation is energizing,

Mobilizing,

Helping move out stuck or pent up energy in the body.

And that's really helpful,

Too.

And then five,

The last strategy is trusting the healing process and giving up your time one.

I'm going to say that again,

Because that one might sit a little interesting.

Trust the healing process and give up your time one.

What I've learned in my life is that it's not about getting to a finish line.

It's not about.

Brushing my hands off and saying,

Yep,

I've mastered this.

I've I'm able to now navigate anger.

And that is so hard to admit out loud that healing actually means that we're going to face anger and grief again and again and again.

And so what healing really is about is trusting that you have the tools to work through it.

This is about being able to ride those waves when they come,

Not about preventing them from happening.

But the ocean,

The ocean never stops its waves.

And we look at the ocean with deep awe and wonder.

Let's try to apply that same perspective to our own journey.

By getting radically honest,

Radically curious,

Taking responsibility and trusting the timing.

So that is what I've prepared for you today.

I know there's so many other strategies that are helpful.

These are not an exhaustive list,

But I wanted to start the conversation with you about how do we hold space for anger and grief.

And so I'm so grateful,

Honestly,

So grateful that you would tune in and listen.

A couple of things,

If you find you're struggling and grappling with these concepts and you are in the North American market with an IOS system,

You can book one on one mentorship session with me and we can work through this together.

If you're really struggling,

I trust that you're going to reach out to a therapist or professional in your local area.

I just invite you to hold space for yourself exactly as you are.

You are enough.

You are whole.

You are complete.

We are human.

And I'm just grateful for your time today.