The Adult Chair Podcast: Ending Triggers

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the adult chair.

I am Michelle Schelfant,

And today I'm talking with you about triggers.

It's such a great time of year because triggers are happening more than usual,

I think.

I mean,

I think we get triggered throughout the year,

But it's holiday time and boy,

Oh boy.

Do we get triggered more than usual.

So that's what I'm talking with you about today.

And what do we do with triggers and how do we transform triggers?

It's going to be a really good show.

But before we get started,

Remember you can find out more about the show at the adult chair.

Com.

You can join the conversation on Facebook,

Instagram,

Come join me there,

Or Pinterest,

And be sure to request to join the adult chair private closed group on Facebook.

So I have a big announcement in case you haven't heard.

I will be in Charlotte,

North Carolina,

January 26 and 27 doing the adult chair weekend intensive.

I'm very excited about that.

You can find out more about that at the adult chair.

Com forward slash workshop.

And of course,

If you have not seen this,

You have a couple more weeks.

I am offering $100 off the month of November.

So come join us.

If you're going to join us,

Join us quickly because $100 off goes away in two weeks.

So I hope you can be there.

It's going to be a great,

Great class.

I'm very excited about being there.

Let us talk about triggers and resolving triggers.

That's what I want to do.

I want to end triggers.

And guess what?

I can end triggers.

I think it would be truthful for me to say,

I think that triggers are actually opportunities for transformation.

I,

As crazy as it sounds,

Enjoy getting triggered because let me explain to you what a trigger is and maybe you'll then join me in seeing it as an opportunity instead of something to get mad at.

A trigger is when something or someone outside of us lights us up inside,

Gets us angry,

Gets us hooked.

And what's happening is that person,

Thing,

Object,

Situation,

Whatever outside of us that lights us up is simply showing us a part of us on the inside called our shadow.

So what happens is when we're children,

We form unconscious beliefs and ideas about ourselves that we feel so ashamed by that we bury them in what Carl Jung calls the shadow.

It's the unconscious part of us.

So if we feel like ashamed,

We push that shame way down into the unconscious mind.

If we feel like we don't matter,

Like we're not good enough,

We don't really want to walk around and tell people this.

So we,

And we don't want to feel it ourselves because it feels so bad.

So we take those beliefs and push them down into the unconscious mind.

And that's what the shadow is.

So when we are triggered,

What's happening is that person outside of us is actually bringing light or bringing up that shadow into the conscious mind.

It's our belief that's being shown to us.

But most of the time when we're triggered,

What we do instead is we blame that other person.

We get upset with that other person.

We call our friends and family and we tell them what a bitch so and so is because they said this or that to me and can you believe it?

And then of course our friends and family say,

I can't believe that they said that to you and so and so is such a bitch.

And then we get validated for really,

What happens is we get validated for what we're saying and then that shadow and that opportunity for healing,

For transforming our shadow gets pushed back down into the unconscious mind.

So we instead project out on other people and we think they're bad for making us feel bad when it's an opportunity.

I'm telling you,

I mean,

We,

I can say,

Just speak from my own experience.

I get triggered far less than I ever did just from examining when I'm triggered,

What's coming up inside of me.

This works.

I am telling you,

Carl Jung,

He was the one that I just felt like was the godfather of the shadow and he taught us that these shadows we must get in touch with.

This is how we transform.

We do not get triggered if we look at these shadows.

So we have to understand something because of that part of our brain that says this again,

Like 500,

000 years old,

It did not update.

So this old,

Old part of our brain says,

If you are unlike others and unlike people think about 500,

000 years ago,

If you're not like people in the tribe,

You will get banished and kicked out of the tribe.

So we learn because of that part of our brain that we need to be like everybody else.

We cannot be,

We can't stand out.

We shouldn't stand out.

It's not a good thing.

So we need to be like everybody else because we don't want to get kicked out of our tribe.

So that's what's driving us.

It's very unconscious,

Of course,

Because if we're kicked out of the tribe and banished from our cave,

We'll get eaten by some crazy wild animals.

So that's what drives us to be like everybody else.

So we put on a mask,

You know,

When we're born,

We're these true selves,

We're in this beautiful child state and we're these authentic little beings.

And then we start forming these unconscious beliefs and burying them and start putting these masks on to hide our true self because we feel that if we show our true selves,

We're going to be banished from our family,

Which again is that tribe of ours.

So we hide this true self because we really feel like if I show people my shadow,

I'm just going to get banished.

So these are things like,

These are things that we feel inside,

But we don't let out like aggressive impulses,

Shameful experiences.

You know,

We have these taboo mental images and we don't ever want to share them with anybody and I'm not suggesting that you do,

But we want to own them for ourselves.

We all have immoral urges,

We have fears,

Irrational wishes,

Unacceptable sexual desires.

Like don't tell anybody.

Again,

It's not about telling other people,

It's about owning it for yourself.

Okay?

These are the thoughts or the beliefs and the ideas that you had when you were young growing up that you decided were so bad that you shove them into the unconscious mind.

Let me give you another example.

I'm going to just give you an example.

Let's just say that when you're a child and your mother might've favored like your sister,

Your brother,

That might've left you with a feeling like you weren't good enough or your second best,

But the emotional wound would be,

I am less than.

So we take that belief of I am less than and push it down.

We don't want anybody to know that and we certainly don't want to feel that.

And we all have this emotional wounding and some of us has worse and deeper than others.

But if you're alive and breathing,

You have wounding,

I promise you.

The question is,

Is what do you do with that wounding?

The goal of course is to integrate the shadow.

We want to integrate that parts of us.

We want to stop rejecting these parts of our personality that we hate or that we're ashamed of or embarrassed by and find ways to bring them forward into our everyday lives,

Integrating them into the self.

I'm not saying to put them on Facebook.

I'm not saying to even share with anybody again.

This is just for you.

This is so you feel whole and honestly it transforms and helps you to feel free.

But we do need to start taking responsibility for these parts within us.

And when we're triggered,

It's an opportunity to see these unconscious parts that are hiding in the shadow.

So there's been,

There've been a lot of people,

Of course,

In my practice that have been triggered and just recently someone was really triggered by,

They were in the adult share closed group.

And I've had this lately where people might report someone and this is not hardly ever happened.

They'll say,

You know,

Someone is being aggressive with me or rude.

And I'll look at the comment.

I'm like,

I don't see that at all.

And I realize there is triggering of course going on.

It's just triggering.

So this happened with one of my clients and she came in and she said,

This person on Facebook is attacking me.

I read the post and I did not feel anything.

And of course that isn't my shadow,

But I knew then it was a shadow aspect coming up for her.

And I said,

Okay.

I didn't say that to her,

But I said,

Okay.

I said,

So this person you feel like is attacking you.

And she says,

Yes.

And I said,

What exactly is going on?

I said,

In your mind,

She's,

Well,

I posted about my son.

She'd posted about her son and some issues that she was having with her son.

And this person commented and said,

I think this just might be something that that's inside of you and you need to take responsibility,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

And so my client felt really attacked.

And she said,

This woman is attacking me,

Telling me it's my fault that my son is like this and she's judging me.

And I said,

Oh,

Okay.

She's like,

She's being very sharp with her tongue and I don't like it.

She keeps judging me.

And she kept using the word judging her.

And I said,

Okay.

I said,

Why don't you tell me,

Is there anything else that's coming up?

And she says,

No,

She's just judging how I parent my son and like,

It's all my fault.

And I said,

Okay.

I said,

So this is when we,

So there's the trigger.

Okay.

So her trigger is this woman commented and now my client is all triggered.

And I said,

Okay.

I said,

So this is how we go in and transform that trigger.

I said,

So how does it make you feel?

I said,

So after you read this comment and I was,

As we're talking,

How do you feel right now?

How do you feel?

And she sat for a moment.

She says,

I'm totally judged.

She says,

I'm judged.

This woman is judging me.

She's shaming me and I don't like it.

And I said,

Okay.

And she was,

And she says that I'm angry.

And I just want you to know with anger,

Anger oftentimes is a defense.

Yes,

It's a true emotion when it comes from the child share or our inner child.

However,

Our adolescent uses anger like a shield.

Like it's just a defense.

It's like,

I don't really want to feel what's underneath that.

I don't want to feel the vulnerable,

The vulnerable emotion underneath it.

So I'm going to be angry.

I'm not saying that people don't get angry because they do,

But that's not the root emotion.

It's more of an emotion to block,

Block the deeper emotion or the root emotion.

So she said,

You know,

She was angry and judged and all this.

And I said,

Okay.

I said,

So you felt totally judged.

And I,

And she says,

Yes,

I'm judged.

And I said,

Okay.

I said,

Um,

What else?

I said,

What else do you feel?

What's underneath the judgment?

So think about,

Again,

We're going into this iceberg that's underneath the water.

I like the analogy of the iceberg because it's like the conscious mind is the part that we see that's above or exposed above the water,

But underneath the water is the giant part of the iceberg.

That's the unconscious mind.

That's where our shadows are.

So we got to dig down and find in this iceberg,

What else is going on?

Because she's just telling me that she feels judged and angry and shamed.

I said,

What else is going on?

So I helped her to dig down and we do that by just asking what's underneath the emotion.

So I said,

What's underneath judgment.

So you feel really judged.

And she was furious and she goes,

I am this woman's judging me.

And I said,

Okay.

I said,

Let's,

Let's feel that judgment.

She felt judged and she,

Of course she didn't like it.

And I said,

Just let yourself feel judged.

I said,

And what's under that?

And she sat for a moment and she said,

Like,

I'm never good enough.

And she started to get quieter.

She says,

I'm just never good enough.

I said,

Okay,

What's under that?

And we just got quieter and slower and that helped her to sink deeper into the next emotion.

And she said,

I said,

Well,

What does it feel like,

You know,

When you're not good enough?

Is there an emotion under there or when you don't feel good enough,

That makes you feel what?

She paused and she said,

Like,

I'm a mistake and I should have never been born.

And she got teary eyed and I said,

Okay.

It got really quiet in my office.

And I said,

So I paused and I said,

So who judged you when you were growing up and who made you feel like you were a mistake?

And then she really started to cry and she said,

My mother did that all the time.

She said,

My mother made me feel like I was never good enough.

And I never felt loved by her and her eyes.

She said,

I just never felt like my mom loved me.

And she cried and cried and cried.

And I said,

You know what,

Just feel that pain.

Feel that pain of never feeling like you're good enough and never feeling like your mother loved you.

It was really,

Really powerful.

And she did.

And she says,

It's so painful.

And I said,

Yeah,

Just let it come up through you.

Just feel that pain.

And then I invited her to feel,

You know,

Just that her mother just never accepted her for who she was and feeling like a mistake.

And she just bawled when she was feeling these emotions.

And then she was done.

She was done crying.

And I said,

Take a deep breath.

And she did.

And I always invite my clients to put their feet on the floor to get them regrounded and be present.

And I asked,

Which I do,

If I could enroll as her adult.

I said,

Because she was in her raw emotion and she felt like she was in this little girl place.

And I said,

Let me be your adult for you,

If I may.

And she said,

Yes.

And I said,

Hello,

You know,

I am the grownup you,

I am the adult you,

And I'm here to help you.

And she just looked at me and I said,

And here's what I know is true.

So when we're doing this adult chair work,

This is where we educate and inform this little child within.

And we start changing that program and healing trauma.

I mean,

So much happens when we do this.

I said,

Here's what I know that's true.

I said,

Your mother was a sick woman and she was mentally ill and she couldn't love you the way a child needed and deserved to be loved.

It was your mother that made mistakes in loving you and in parenting you.

You are not the mistake,

Your mother made the mistakes.

And I just let her sit with that.

This is again,

Updating and correcting that program.

She had a misprogram that she was the mistake and it wasn't that she was a mistake.

It was just that her mother made mistakes because she couldn't be a healthy mother to her daughter.

So we talked a little bit about that.

And then I said,

Here's what else I know is true.

I said,

You're lovable.

I said,

And sometimes as humans,

We make mistakes,

But we take responsibility for them.

And then we move on.

I said,

But you're here and I know that you're not a mistake or else you wouldn't be here.

And I'm so happy that you're here.

And she looked at me as though she had five-year-old eyes,

Like she was really in her little girl.

And she said,

Really?

And I said,

Yeah,

Even her voice was different.

And I said,

I just want you to know how much I love you and I'm so happy you're here.

I said,

And it's okay to make mistakes,

But I know one thing,

You are not a mistake.

And I just repeated a few of the things that I just shared with you.

And she sat there for a while and she took a deep breath and she had her eyes closed and she opened her eyes and she said,

I get it.

She said,

It's not me.

And I said,

No,

No.

And we paused and she said,

Or I said,

And I love that you're here and with your presence in the world.

I said,

I just love that you're here and you have so much to offer the world and I'm so happy.

And then we spoke again for a little while and we ended the session.

And I asked her before she left,

I said,

Would you just do me a favor and read this Facebook post again?

It was a powerful session.

And she read the Facebook post and she started chuckling.

She said,

I don't even know why I was so upset.

It doesn't even resonate with me anymore.

She goes,

I get it.

And she said,

No,

I see what that woman was doing.

She goes,

Yeah,

I do need to look at some things with my son.

And yeah,

I don't even know why I'm so mad at that woman.

And she honestly said,

I get it.

And I'm not upset anymore.

It was transformational.

And I said,

I get it.

It was just your shadow that poked you and needed your attention.

That's what happens.

It rises up in our face and we get so angry so quickly.

But what we need to do is slow down.

Our energy moves so fast.

We move in that adolescent chair.

We want to fix it and project our anger and get upset.

Instead we want to slow down and look inside.

So we can work with our shadow parts in many ways,

But what we really want to do is to slow down and the moment we feel ourselves projecting and blaming others or situations,

We want to slow down and take a moment and look inside.

Carl Jung says that we cannot correct undesirable behaviors until we deal with them head on.

And the shadow self can act like a disobedient child.

We must acknowledge this part and stop projecting our pain on others if we want to be free of our triggers.

And he also points out that it's not about defeating the shadow,

But it is instead to incorporate it with the rest of the personality.

It is only through this merging that true wholeness can be attained.

And when it is,

That is enlightenment.

This is so part of the adult chair model.

I love this.

We look at these parts of ourselves and we integrate them into our wholeness.

We cannot abandon these parts or push these parts away or abolish them from who we are and send them off.

We have to bring them back into ourselves and integrate in order to feel whole.

And we do that by taking responsibility.

We really want to just,

Especially of course over the holidays,

You know,

We're sitting in the holidays with people we don't normally hang out with,

You know,

Friends and family coworkers.

There's all these parties going on.

And if you're triggered,

It's an opportunity.

I promise you,

Like when we work with these shadow aspects,

Oh my goodness,

It just brings so much more peace and freedom into our system.

I promise you this and I promise you,

You have shadow parts.

We all do.

So what you want to do is ask yourself some questions like what is coming up within me when so and so said this to me?

What's stirring inside of me?

Again,

Much of our time we get,

We're so quick to anger or we get pissed off.

We want to rage on them.

But the first step is what is going on inside of me?

Get really curious.

And then we want to ask ourselves what's under the anger.

Get quiet with yourself and go under the anger.

I'm not saying,

If you're really angry,

Punch a pillow,

Scream,

Yell,

Get it out and then pause and say,

What's under this?

There's something under it.

I promise you something's under it.

Find it.

You may find inner beliefs like I find,

I feel less than or she made me feel like a fraud.

And if she made you feel like a fraud,

Then own it.

Maybe I am a fraud.

Is there a part of me that feels like it's a fraud or she's a fraud?

Yeah,

There is.

Maybe it's a teeny,

Teeny,

Tiny part of you own it.

He said this to me and then I felt like it didn't matter.

So the shadow belief would be,

I don't matter.

Let yourself find this statement and then own it and make it yours.

It might morph.

It might transfer.

It might morph into something else.

Like with a client I worked with,

She felt like I am a mistake.

And it turned out that her mother was a mistake.

But if you also have shadow parts like I am a fraud,

Maybe a part of you feels like a fraud.

So what?

That is like the greatest statement from the adult chair.

I say this to clients all the time when they come in and they share things with me that they're shaming themselves for.

I say this all the time.

So what?

So what if that happened to you?

We don't need to make a story up about it and give it all kinds of negative meaning.

It's like,

Okay,

It was in your past.

Let's move on.

Let it go.

That part,

The parts of us from the adolescent chair cling to it for dear life.

It's like,

No,

I'm moving on.

I'm living in the moment.

I'm living for today.

Let the past go.

If it's holding you down,

Bringing you down,

Let it go and say,

So what and move on,

Move on.

And our shadow parts can keep us stuck.

So that's why you want to dig deep and do not blame yourself for having shadow parts.

This is just part of being human.

When we get triggered,

We want to look at some of our shadow behaviors.

Some of the shadow behaviors are like a tendency to judge others quickly,

Especially,

You know,

These impulsive judgments like look how fat that person is.

It's like,

Oh,

Is there a part of you that might feel like they were judged for being overweight or they're afraid or you might be afraid you're going to gain weight,

Something like that.

We judge others so quickly.

Look at what they're wearing.

Look at so and so.

When you're judging someone else or something inside of you,

There's a shadow aspect that needs to be known.

We also project our insecurities as flaws on others.

We project our insecurities as flaws on other people.

So instead of owning our shadow,

We find ourselves putting it out on others.

It was interesting.

I remember doing a podcast on stories and assumptions a while ago and someone commented how she said,

I'm so upset with you,

Michelle.

You are discriminating against people and judging one of your clients and I can't believe what I just heard on your podcast.

How can you discriminate against something like this?

I can't remember it exactly,

But she said I was discriminating against people that had ADHD.

And I was reading the comment and she said I was judging them and I started laughing.

I sat there and laughed out loud and I said,

This is so ironic.

Number one,

The title of the show was how we build stories and assumptions and she was building a giant story and assumption against me because the most ironic part of the whole dang thing is I have ADHD.

Why would I discriminate against someone or judge them?

And so I don't know what was going on with this particular woman,

But my guess was that she had of course a shadow aspect of herself.

She either was judged or discriminated against or even had shame around her own ADHD.

And I don't know,

I'm making up a story because I don't know what her truth was,

But it was really interesting because if she had asked me,

Hey,

Are you doing this?

I would have said,

Absolutely not.

I'm not that kind of person.

No way would do that.

But the internet is big and I'm not saying this woman was trolling me at all,

But there are certainly trollers out there and most of us have experienced that and they comment harshly and it's interesting.

Those people are the most insecure of all and living from their shadow self.

They project their insecurities as flaws on others.

That's a shadow.

That's the shadow behavior.

We also,

When we fall victim quickly and fall into poor me instead of admitting wrongdoing,

That is a shadow behavior for sure.

We go into that whole poor me attitude.

Also we'll say things like I'm better than you and I can do no wrong.

That's a big time shadow at play,

But also there could be the shadow that says I'm always wrong again and I fall into that victim.

So it could be either way.

And lastly,

And I think most of us know this,

The quick tempered and fly off the handle and we see ourselves even or the other people as less than or we get so angry.

I see this interestingly enough when we look at other people that we feel are less than us.

So I see this in restaurants a lot when people will like get so angry,

Like at a waiter or a waitress and they treat them like crap.

They want to exert their power over another person because inside and underneath it,

Underneath is a shadow and they feel helpless.

So then they target people that appear less than them in order to make them feel more powerful and it's all an illusion.

It's not reality.

I have a client,

Actually I have unfortunately a few clients that have spouses that have anger issues or even ragers.

And it's so interesting because sometimes I'll get just that energetic impression of the client's spouse.

I'm like,

God,

They act like they're,

I can feel the energy of this really scared little boy or the scared little girl inside,

But they're coming out as ragers.

So people that are really quick tempered and fly off the handle and try to make people feel smaller,

That's their shadow at play because underneath they feel so small and scared and ashamed and I don't matter and less than,

But instead of feeling that they put on the mask of power,

Which is false power,

That's not true power,

But they do that and they try to make other people feel small.

So again,

It's not your fault if you have a shadow.

We all have shadow aspects.

When we're little kids,

We just form these beliefs and they just get buried in the unconsciousness.

So look at your triggers as an opportunity to heal and transform your shadow beliefs.

And this is freedom,

You guys.

This is true freedom.

And actually I had a huge trigger come up for me and it was on an old podcast episode.

And I'm going to share that with you right now because I want you to also have the experience that I want to share my experience with you of how I walked through a trigger.

I was actually triggered and I picked up my mic and I just talked about it within 10 minutes.

So it was a fresh trigger and I transformed it in a matter of 20 minutes.

So I want you to hear how I worked with my own trigger and it was so fascinating.

The fascinating part was the shadow beliefs that came up from that trigger.

So I'm going to share that with you right now and enjoy and stay in your bodies during the holiday season and own those triggers and find those shadow beliefs because honestly it will transform your life.

Okay.

Here is the podcast episode.

Enjoy y'all.

So here we go with resolving triggers.

Let me explain to you just real quickly first of all what the heck a trigger is and I think most of you probably know.

It's when something happens outside of you,

Whether it's something you're looking at or someone says something to you and you feel this gut wrenching desire to just scream at the person in front of you or you get angry or you feel small.

It changes your state based on something that happens outside of you.

We feel bad about ourselves.

We want to get angry.

All of these things happen.

But what a trigger is,

Is that that person or thing that's happening outside of you,

All that's happening is that that thing outside of you is reflecting back to you an unconscious belief that you are unaware of.

So let's just say for example that you have this unconscious belief that happened many years ago,

Typically in our childhood,

Something like I'm unlovable.

So when something happens outside of you that reflects this inner feeling of I am unlovable,

Most of us don't go into feeling that feeling.

We instead want to shut that thing down in front of us or shut that person down in front of us and make them stop doing that so I stop feeling I'm unlovable.

And typically it happens so fast we don't stop ourselves and say,

Hmm,

I wonder what they're making me feel right now.

We instead get angry or yell at them or stop talking to them or tell our friends and family how mean that other person was and then we get validation from them and they go,

Oh yeah,

You're right.

You know,

They're wrong.

So we get validated for how mean that other person was.

But really what happens when we're triggered,

It's an opportunity for me to get to know myself better.

In fact,

It's an opportunity for me to get to know my unconscious parts better.

Carl Jung calls this the shadow.

It's what lives in the unconscious mind.

We have so many parts of us that we have abandoned away that we don't ever want to see and we don't certainly don't want anyone else to know about any of these parts because they feel so bad to us.

God forbid if we let anyone else know them and I'm not saying that we have to let the whole world know,

But it's for you.

You've got to figure out what the heck is going on in the unconscious mind.

If you can figure that out,

You will feel more whole and complete.

And yes,

So much of what this model is about,

You will start loving yourself.

How can you fully love yourself if you don't even know all of your parts?

We've got to integrate these parts,

Get to know these parts of us that feel like you're not good enough and you hate yourself.

And when someone else triggers you,

It's the most amazing way to figure out what's going on in the unconscious mind.

So if you can kind of shift your frame around that and reframe the whole idea of being triggered instead of being upset,

The next time say to yourself,

Hold on,

Like maybe I could look inside of myself and see what's coming up for me so that I know this new unconscious part that I have been unaware of for all this time.

That means you got to put your anger away and step aside because who,

Guess what part of us gets angry?

It's that egoic part that sits in the adolescent chair.

It's the part that wants to rage and get angry and use anger as a defense,

Not as a feeling.

It's more as a defense to shut that other person down.

So we've got to move out of the adolescent chair and move into the adult and get curious.

And when we're curious,

We can start doing this work of healing and transforming these triggers.

Let me explain to you what happened with me and how this all went down.

So we have some friends here that I've known for probably four years or so.

People that know me well know that I really don't drink.

I don't hardly drink.

I might have one drink every two months.

I'm just not a big drinker at all.

So that's one thing.

People that know me know that for sure.

The second thing is people know that I'm having some issues with sleeping in and sleep.

So right now and for quite a while,

Instead of getting up at my normal,

Which I'm a morning person anyway,

But instead of getting up at five or six in the morning,

Every morning I'm waking up at four o'clock.

I'm waking up at four o'clock and it does not matter what time I go to bed.

I still wake up at four o'clock.

If I go to bed at midnight,

I wake up at four o'clock.

So for that reason,

I go to bed at nine or 10 o'clock at night.

So I get a lot of sleep.

I like a lot of sleep.

I'm someone that needs to get my sleep.

So I go to bed at nine or 10 o'clock at night.

I've been doing this for a long time.

People that know me know that this is how I operate.

I just honor the fact that I'm waking up at that hour.

I've tried a million things under the sun to help me sleep later.

For whatever reason,

My body's waking up.

So I get up and I do my thing at four o'clock in the morning.

I'm getting up.

I'm meditating.

I'm enjoying my lemon water in the morning.

I love peace and quiet.

So I actually don't mind.

I watch the sun come up.

It's lovely.

But anyway,

Everyone knows that I'm getting up at this hour and then I go to bed really early.

We made plans with some friends and this friend of mine said,

Hey,

She started texting me because we're going to go out to dinner today.

Hey,

Let's meet at four o'clock before dinner and we can have happy hour before we go to dinner.

What do you guys think about that?

We can go to happy hour and then we'll have dinner and then we can go to a movie.

And by the way,

I bought movie tickets and the movie tickets are for this movie and it starts at 915.

I read this text and I have this wave of anger come over me because this keeps happening with her.

And I feel just like,

Do you not know me?

That's the worst idea on the planet.

Number one,

I don't mind sitting with people that are drinking.

I don't care about that.

But I have all these things to do today and my priority is not happy hour.

I am busy and I have all this stuff to do.

I love to have dinner,

But sitting around and doing happy hour today,

I already said I was really busy.

I can't,

It's just not a great thing for me.

And she loves to drink and go out and have tons of drinks,

Which is again,

I have no judgment.

I love her.

She's fine.

But what really bothered me was the fact that she knows that I'm not that way.

And she not only said,

Let's go drink,

Which she does all the time,

But also,

Hey,

I bought tickets for this 9 15 p.

M.

Movie.

And I said to her yesterday,

Well,

You know,

I go to bed early.

I can't do a late movie.

We can do a movie,

But like a six or a seven o'clock movie,

I can't be out till midnight.

I'll be out.

I can't live on four hours of sleep.

So anyway,

So I read the text and saw that she bought the movie tickets already.

And the wave of anger that came over me was like,

I wanted to throw my phone through the window.

So I walked.

It was very early in the morning.

Walked in the bedroom.

I got my husband up.

I said,

Listen,

I'm so angry.

I was trying to do some work this morning.

I couldn't even focus on the work.

I'm trying to write another class.

And I'm like,

I can't even think straight.

I'm so freaking mad right now.

So let me go wake up my husband and get his validation.

So I was totally well,

I have to say,

I was starting to get curious about the amount of anger that I had.

So here's what happens from the chair perspective.

There's a vulnerable emotion that came up and I missed it.

And this is what happens with humans and we shift very quickly then in this adolescent chair to defend who we are,

To defend that very intense emotion that I was feeling that again,

It's like in a blink of an eye,

We feel this intense emotion.

The adolescent chair comes online and goes,

I got this.

She doesn't honor you.

She doesn't hear you.

What the hell's her problem?

She's driving you crazy.

What's wrong with her?

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So I have all this anger about my friend.

So then I march into the bedroom,

Wake up my husband.

I go,

You need to listen to what I'm saying.

I said,

Can you just,

I said,

Am I losing my mind here?

Because she knows that I don't stay out late and I absolutely can never go to a 915 movie and she already bought those damn tickets.

I said,

And second of all,

I am not a drinker.

What the hell do I want to be at a happy hour at four o'clock on a Saturday?

That's not something I want to do.

I have so much to do today.

And he's like,

Well,

You know,

She doesn't know what she's doing and she didn't mean anything by it.

And as he's responding that way,

And we love these friends,

This is not anyone that I'm throwing under the bus.

This was actually,

I'm grateful for the whole experience because it helped me immensely,

But he's trying to make,

You know,

Make me relax a little bit.

So the more he's talking to me about how she didn't mean it and it's not a big deal and let it go and all this crap,

It's getting more and more angry.

And I'm like,

Are you kidding me?

I said,

Do you understand?

I don't drink.

Why am I going to go to happy hour all these hours?

And why the hell I will never be able to sit through a movie that long.

I've been up since 4 a.

M.

Today.

It's like she doesn't hear me.

Like what is going on?

She's known me for years.

I say the same thing all the time.

And here's the key.

I started saying this to him out loud.

She's known me for years.

I say the same thing to her all the time.

I'm not a big drinker.

Please don't get mad if I don't want to go party with you.

And secondly,

I go to bed early.

She's a night owl.

So she's always asking me to do things at night.

Whenever we do anything,

It's like going out later,

Doing things later.

And then,

Oh,

Come on,

Just push yourself.

I hate when people say that to me.

I'm like,

I'm exhausted.

I need my sleep.

I'm feeling incredibly invalidated.

I'm not feeling seen by her.

I'm so upset by her because it's like,

Don't you see who I am?

Like I'm telling you,

For years I've said to her,

I'm not a big drinker.

You know I got to go to bed early and she'd say,

Oh,

Just push yourself.

It's no big deal.

And then when she asked me what I'm doing for New Year's,

I have anxiety because I'm like,

How am I going to stay up till midnight?

At any rate,

So the more I'm thinking through it and the more my husband is not also validating me,

I'm getting more angry inside.

And as I'm doing this,

I'm having this giant awareness that this is a big trigger and I want to know what I'm feeling,

What emotions are underneath all this anger and all this longing to have somebody validate that I'm right and she's wrong and she doesn't see me and what's going on.

So my husband's talking and trying to explain to me that it's not that big of a deal.

And I,

Again,

Feeling even more invalidated wanting to like just be,

I was so angry with them.

So it just hit me and I was like,

I need to do this for my adult chair.

So I looked at him and I said,

Can you just do me a favor?

I said,

Just stop talking,

Stop talking.

I said,

And he knows,

Cause I've trained him to do this.

I've said,

When I say,

Please witness me,

That means shut your mouth.

And I don't mean that in a bad way.

It just means please stop talking and just listen because to be witnessed by another human being when we're having our experience is the most powerful healing thing someone else can do for us and loving thing.

So I said,

Hold on a second.

I'm having an ex I want to have an experience around this and I need you just to witness me.

Can you do that?

I said,

Okay.

So I could feel it inside of me.

I was like,

Okay,

So that was my adult that stepped in and said that to him.

So I'm setting up what I need.

Then I made the decision to just slide over and feel my emotions.

So I climbed in my child chair.

I'm doing this,

Of course,

Metaphorically.

He's like laying in bed and I'm standing on this.

I'm just standing next to the bed and he's just staring at me.

So I could feel though,

The energy shift.

That's the thing.

When I say we're sliding from chair to chair,

You can use physical chairs for sure,

But there's an energetic shift that happens inside of us.

So I feel this wisdom that comes in with my adult and then I feel this very fast paced defensive energy that comes in with my adolescent and then this innocent vulnerable energy of the child.

So I said,

I know I got to go there.

So as I'm upset,

I just shut my mouth and I started taking really slow deep breaths and I could feel my energy drop into my emotional body.

And then I said,

Okay.

And I started talking to my husband.

I said,

You know what?

When she,

And I just started speaking very slowly about what or how it makes me feel when she does not validate me.

And I said,

You know,

It really hurts me that I've known her for all of these years and she does not validate and acknowledge the fact that I don't drink.

I hardly drink and she's a big drinker and it's like she doesn't hear me or see me.

I said,

It also hurts that she thinks that she always is pushing me to stay up later than I can.

It's like,

And then this is when it all cracked open.

I said,

It's like I'm invisible to her.

Like does she not see me?

And then I took a moment and I just kept,

The key is to breathe really slowly.

It slows everything down and it kept me in my inner child part and I was breathing really slowly.

I could feel my energy drop in further and it was like poof,

All of a sudden,

Because I was slowing things down so much,

I dropped into when I was five years old and I was like,

Oh my God.

And I said,

I am invisible.

And I looked at my husband and I said,

And it was interesting,

It was fascinating actually because the voice that was coming out of my mouth was like a five-year-old.

And I said,

I couldn't even,

As clear as I sound right now,

It was like a whisper that was coming out of my mouth.

And I said,

I'm invisible.

Nobody hears me.

Nobody hears me.

I don't matter to anybody,

But it was like a whisper.

Like you couldn't even hear every word that was coming out of my mouth.

And I said,

I could feel myself,

I was five and I was in the middle of my family and I started having all these flashes of,

Wow,

I wanted the chaos and the emotional abuse that was all around throughout my family.

I had tons of people around me.

And as you know,

When I speak of family,

It's this Italian family.

So it's not like it was just mom,

Dad,

Sister.

It was mom,

Dad,

Sister,

Grandma,

Uncles,

Aunts,

Cousins.

It was all of us.

And I sat there and I was just looking at my husband and sometimes I was looking up at the ceiling and I said,

And this little girl like couldn't barely speak voice.

I knew again,

There was like the adult wisdom was there guiding this whole process.

And I knew I needed to say it out loud.

That's so important.

I said,

I,

And again,

I was speaking from this very old part of me that was only five years old.

And I said,

You know,

All of these people are around me and they don't hear me.

I want this chaos to stop in the family.

I want someone to hear me.

I said,

Nobody ever hears me.

Wow.

I was crying really hard at this point.

And I said,

Doesn't anybody see me?

I'm invisible.

I'm invisible.

And maybe I don't even matter.

I'm invisible and maybe I don't even matter.

In fact,

I know I don't matter to anybody because if I did this chaos would stop.

Take a deep breath on that one because it's,

It's like just powerful.

It was so powerful.

And I kept my breath and my breathing very,

Very slow.

I just kept breathing and I knew to breathe because I hold my breath and I kept saying to myself again,

The adult voice was coming and saying,

Breathe,

Breathe.

I just kept breathing and I sat with it.

I just sat in those emotions and I'm going to tell you right now,

The whole process took maybe from start to finish five minutes or so,

Maybe seven minutes.

It was not like an hour,

It was maybe five to seven minutes.

That's how quickly this goes.

So I sat in that I'm invisible.

I sat in,

I don't matter.

Nobody's stopping this chaos.

I guess it's because of me and nobody can see me.

Sat in it and sat in it and then I could feel it wash through me.

I just felt this everything as I,

As I was breathing,

The energy kept moving and the emotions kept moving through me.

The next thing that happened was,

And this is exactly how it works.

If I'm in group with someone or I'm in a session with somebody,

This is how it works.

I'm sharing this with you guys.

I brought in this adult voice and you will know when it's time to become your adult and the adult speaks fact and truth.

It's like my little girl inside of me needed that clarification of what was true.

So as a five-year-old,

It felt like I was invisible and I've carried that with me for all these years.

In fact,

What was ironic,

I was thinking as this was all happening,

How often I repeat myself.

So I repeat myself to my family and my children will say to me,

Mom,

You've told me like five times and I'll say to them,

But did you hear me?

And they're like,

Yeah,

I heard you the first time.

And other people have said that to me over my life.

And I'm like,

Why do I repeat myself so much?

And it all made sense in this moment.

Like,

Holy crap,

It's because I don't feel like I'm seen.

I don't feel like I matter.

I don't feel heard.

I feel invisible.

So how the hell do I think that anyone is ever going to hear what I have to say or see me?

Then the adult voice came in.

And again,

You'll know when it's time.

Sit in that child and let all of those emotions wash through you and use your breath.

Cry them out.

If you feel like you want to punch something,

Go and punch a pillow.

Do something,

Get that emotion to move through you.

And then you'll know when it's done because there is no more crying.

There is no more talking.

And I just stopped.

And it was interesting.

At one point when I was really crying,

My husband said,

Now he chimed in and he said,

Now just hold on a second.

You really need to.

And I looked at him in the middle of it.

I said,

Don't say a word because sometimes,

Of course,

When people are crying or we're in the middle of our process,

It is triggering for other people.

And now he was getting triggered.

And I looked at him.

I said,

Don't say a word,

Please.

Just sit here.

You're doing great.

Listen to me.

And he said,

OK.

So I had to remind him.

But then the adult voice came in and she said,

Here's what I know that's true.

And she started listing facts and truth from what it was like way back when,

When I was five and even going through all my growing up years.

And it was all these,

It was like bullet points of facts.

It's like,

It's not that you were invisible.

It's that they didn't know what to do.

They didn't know how to stop the chaos,

But they heard you.

And then I remember it was like the adult voice was coming in and then I would speak it from the child and I would turn to my husband and I go,

They did hear me and they didn't know what to do.

So it was almost like this wise voice was coming in.

And then from this child perspective,

I was changing the program by speaking it out loud.

I was like,

They did not know what to do because they were so wounded.

They knew there was chaos.

They wanted to change it.

They didn't know.

Nobody knew what to do.

Nobody knew how to stop it.

It was mostly the uncle.

It was my uncle I talk about.

He brought so much emotional chaos in our family.

Nobody knew how to stop him.

I mean,

I would know how to stop him today,

But if you're wounded,

You don't know how to set boundaries.

You don't know how to speak up.

You're in your own way.

As this adult voice was coming in,

I was feeling it down through my child and I was speaking it out loud saying,

Maybe I am seen.

And it was like this curiosity was coming in.

And again,

The little girl voice was so quiet and it was broken.

Like I couldn't even hear some of the words wouldn't even come out.

And I felt like I was five years old speaking.

And then I said,

You know what?

I just kept breathing.

Again,

This is key,

You guys.

Breathe,

Breathe,

Breathe very slowly.

And I said,

I am seen.

And it wasn't my fault.

I have a right to be seen.

And I have a right to have a voice.

As I started saying this,

I could feel my legs start to fill up with energy.

I could feel myself in my body and I felt clearer and more grounded and more in my truth.

And I said,

You know what?

Yeah,

It's okay.

I am visible.

I am seen.

And I could feel everything.

As my body started filling up with energy,

I could feel my little girl,

Her voice got louder and deeper and louder and deeper and louder and deeper.

And then I looked,

I was looking like out the window for quite a while.

And then I looked right at my husband at the end and I said,

I deserve to be seen.

I deserve to be heard.

I do matter.

And it was the voice I'm using right now with you guys.

It had like,

I had moved into this very clear adult voice.

And I said,

They were the ones that didn't know what they were doing.

But it was not my fault.

It was never my fault.

I was an innocent,

Vulnerable little girl.

But I don't even blame them.

They had all their own issues going on.

But I know what's true now,

Which is I am seen and I am heard.

I also felt like it is safe for me to speak up.

That was it.

I could feel myself fill up with energy.

It was as if this little inner child part went from feeling so broken,

So invisible to this filled up adult.

It was like she merged into this adult part of me.

And I was clear and I spoke and I looked at my husband when I was done and I go,

I'm done.

I'm done.

I feel fine.

I said,

It's over.

I said,

I am seen and it feels so good.

I could feel this energy filled up from my toes all the way up to the top of my head and down my arms.

It was the most amazing experience.

This is how we shift to trigger people.

And now,

Looking back on it,

When I think about my friend's text,

I can honestly tell you,

No charge,

Zero charge.

In fact,

I'm thinking about it right now.

I have nothing.

I don't feel contracted.

It's over.

That's our goal is to when we work with these triggers and we integrate them,

Oh my goodness,

We're not triggered.

We're triggered less and less and less and less and less.

I used to be trigger happy.

I was so triggered by everything.

My mood would go up and down and up and down and up and down.

It's so much more stable because I've worked through so many of these triggers.

I remember learning,

Doing shadow work many years ago and I'd get excited.

I'm like,

Ooh,

I'm triggered again.

Yes.

What part wants to come up?

What part in the shadows is coming up?

I want to learn.