Transform Your Experience With The Inner Critic

Hello,

Today we're gonna talk about understanding and working with the inner critic and welcome to this.

Maybe you have heard of the inner critic,

We'll dive deep into one of the most important and very common aspects of our emotional and mental landscape,

The inner critic.

And we will look into why the critic exists and how it affects us and what is probably most important is how we can manage and transform the inner critic.

And so,

First of all,

Like,

What is the inner critic,

Right?

Like maybe you have heard a lot of things or you have kind of an idea what the critic is.

I'll give you an example how,

You know,

The inner critic looks like for me.

So I always imagine the inner critic being an annoying roommate.

So it's kind of like,

I'm sitting on the couch,

I'm watching a series.

And then there's this annoying roommate who sits next to me on the couch and says,

Really,

You want to watch that?

And then I'm eating,

You know,

Like some chips or so,

Definitely some junk food.

And then the critic says,

Really,

That's what you're gonna eat?

Didn't you want to eat more salad?

And then I talked to a friend and kind of snap at them for some reason.

And then the critic is,

Really,

Didn't you want to be a good person,

But look at how you behaved.

So in a way,

You know,

This is this inner,

This annoying roommate that lives in your house,

Lives with you.

And without you asking,

Looks at everything you do and has an opinion on it.

And usually it's an opinion that is very judgmental.

So that is what the roommate is about.

And to make it a little bit more personal,

One of the things that I found out is that we all have this inner roommate,

This annoying roommate in our head.

And let's say you feel like you have this very perfectionist inner critic.

So everything,

Every time you do something and it's not really perfect,

There's this voice in your head telling you that it's not good enough or just seeing all the flaws and being very,

Very judgmental.

And this voice of the inner critic can be often very harsh.

And so how the critic has been created is initially,

It might have been even a protection mechanism,

Right?

A protection mechanism that shields us from feeling guilt or shame or rejection or failure.

But it became this other thing that actually hinders us from fully being okay with ourselves.

And very often what the critic can do,

It can change our perception of the reality quite a bit.

I remember when I did my first Vipassana and soul meditation was really for me a way of understanding how much the inner critic talks to me,

Right?

Like through meditation,

I became aware,

Wow,

This voice is talking nonstop all day long,

Criticizing everything I do.

And I didn't even notice before that.

So first I thought,

Okay,

Maybe it's the meditation,

You know,

But then of course I noticed,

No,

It's not.

The meditation just made me aware of this inner process that is happening inside of me and has been there all along.

So through the higher awareness that I created through meditation,

I could just hear it more and become aware of it more.

So there's different,

You know,

Let's say types of inner critic,

Right?

Like there's this perfectionist that always wants something flawless.

And when it's not flawless,

It creates a lot of anxiety.

There's the guilt,

Voice of guilt,

Right?

That's constantly focusing on past mistakes.

It creates this sense of shame.

Let's say when you set a boundary towards someone or you're not being the nice one in the moment,

But you,

You know,

Just like answering maybe something a bit with more harshness also maybe because it's justified in that situation,

But afterwards you feel really guilty.

So this guilt tripping of the inner critic can be a way of how it hooks us and how it runs a program,

A mechanism inside of us.

And this changes our reality.

In the last episode,

We spoke about self-sabotaging mechanisms and the critic is one of those self-sabotaging mechanisms.

The inner roommate can be an underminer,

Yeah,

Right?

Like telling you you're not capable and it's attacking your self-worth in telling you,

You know,

Good enough.

Or,

You know,

One of the interesting thing is when we're fully identified with the inner critic,

Which most of us are,

What happens is that we hear this voice telling us certain things and that's,

And then we start believing it about ourselves,

But we also start thinking the other people around us think the same about us,

Right?

Like for example,

I'm in a job and I'm really good.

And then the critic says,

Oh,

You're not capable.

Look at you.

You're not doing this right.

Are you sure you're the right person to do this?

And then all of a sudden we feel like,

Oh,

My colleagues never see that I'm doing this good.

And I feel criticized all the time by my colleagues and they're so judgmental.

So what it does when we have these inner mechanisms inside of us is that it does not just change our inner landscape and how it makes us feel about ourselves,

But actually we see the world out there in the same light,

You know,

And even if,

If no one is criticizing us,

We feel like people are criticizing us and that's then our emotional and mental state.

And so then we start defending ourselves.

So we might respond to people's feedback in a very defensive way because we already felt criticized before they even said anything.

And this is just proving the point.

And so what we do a lot when we're caught up in this mechanism is that we start to justify,

Right?

Like when someone says,

Hey,

This hurt me when you said that,

We start justifying,

Right?

Because the critic is already so loud that in these moments we might not even be able to listen to someone,

You know,

Who was sharing something that is important for us to hear,

Not in the form of criticism,

But in the form of learning something or improving a relationship.

But when we are caught up in it,

We behave a little bit like a little child,

Right?

Like we're so run by this problem of already needing to justify and it can happen,

You know,

Like I find it so interesting when we're in these shadow mechanics,

Right?

And the inner critic is one of those shadow mechanisms that then our actions might be,

Let's say I am,

I have this undermining critic that tells me you're not capable,

That I might do a lot of things in life to prove my worth,

Right?

And I'm not doing it because I really want it or because it's my calling,

Or this is really where I want to spend my time,

But this part that is starved out of feeling okay with itself needs to justify.

So I might achieve a thousand things and constantly need to achieve something in order to prove my worth.

And that can be a program run through actually the inner critic.

It has nothing to do with,

You know,

The things I do on the outside.

It's this program that runs,

That manipulates my perception so much.

That's why I always say,

You know,

What shadow work also really does is it shows us who drives our car,

Like are we on the steering wheel of the car or is a program running it?

A lot of people say,

Well,

That's who I am,

Right?

Like this sentence.

And very often that's actually not true.

When we really dive into these deeper processes inside of us,

Sometimes we actually figure out that we are not really like that.

We're just run by a program that we know so well and has been with us for so long that we think,

Yeah,

That's just who I am.

But actually very often that's not who we are.

That's just a wounded part inside of us that has been,

You know,

Manipulated by a protection mechanism or the comparative critic,

You know,

That's the part where we're comparing ourselves to others all the time,

Making yourself feel inadequate.

It can also lead to just being jealous,

You know,

When we see other people who are successful because again,

The voice of the critic is so loud that we are not as good as them,

That we need to make ourselves feel better about that.

And so what we do is we compare ourselves,

We put others down or we put ourselves down and feel like I'm never going to be as good as this person,

Right?

And one example in today's world that I would say is really buying into this critic phenomenon is social media.

I don't know how it's for you,

But sometimes when I look at social media after 10 minutes,

I feel really bad about myself because I see all these people doing all these amazing things,

Having this amazing life and it makes you compare yourself to others,

Right?

And I think social media really creates this world of this is perfection and everything else is not.

So it's one of those phenomenons,

But you can also see the run program of the critic out there in social media actually quite well,

Which is this constant need to prove ourselves that it's almost like we're screaming it out there in social media for people to give us this justification that we're okay as we are.

And it can lead to likes making me feel better about myself.

And if I don't get any likes,

I don't feel as good as about myself.

So these are like some example how the critic can actually play out in us.

And many of us don't even recognize that we have this critic,

Right?

What it usually is,

Is that the critic actually is very much identified with us.

So even the way I speak about the critic right now as a separate part is a way to actually work with the critic and so to say,

Change our relationship to it.

And the number one thing,

How can you work with the critic is actually to get out of the identification with the critic to deeply understand I'm not the critic,

The critic is not me.

Because as long as we don't do that,

What we actually do is we have this voice and we think that voice in our head is our thoughts and that's our truth.

And we misinterpret that voice for being our truth.

We think,

Oh no,

That's my truth.

While actually no,

The critic is an internalized voice.

So a lot of us have this chronic self-criticism and it can lead to anxiety,

It can lead to depression,

It can lead to low self-esteem.

It can lead to the imposter syndrome,

When we feel that we are frauds despite our success.

And one anecdote that I found really funny,

It was when I was still in business and I was working with this group of people who were all like super talented,

Had like so many achievements,

They were just like real,

Like big time high achievers.

And then we did this dictionary within the company and we found out that actually 80% within the company thought that they were not adequate,

That they were not good enough to,

That they are frauds beside their success.

And I found it so interesting because I was like,

Wow,

I thought I feel only inadequate being surrounded by so many talented people.

And then finding out that like 80% of the people felt exactly the same just made me so,

It was one of those aha moments when I noticed,

Okay,

This inequity voice has nothing to do with reality,

Right?

Like you can achieve so much and be the best at everything and you can still feel inadequate.

And this is what this example shows so much that the critic is not the truth,

Right?

It's not the actual truth of a situation,

But it comes from this fear-based part that you just wants to prove that the critic is actually wrong.

And by trying to prove that the critic is wrong,

For example,

With the imposter syndrome,

So achieving more and more and still feeling like a fraud and still trying to prove this,

This is by trying that we run the program.

We're not really making these choices consciously about our life because one of the things that I found in my career is at some point,

I remember this day I got promoted and I've worked so hard for it.

And people were like,

Oh,

Are you celebrating and everything?

And once I got to that point of this promotion,

It felt really empty.

It was like,

I couldn't even celebrate it.

I didn't even feel happy about that.

It didn't mean anything to me.

There I was for months and months trying to get this promotion.

And once I had it,

It didn't mean anything to me anymore.

And I was like,

Wow,

What is that?

And I just noticed that it was like this just proving myself to myself that this was running behind wanting to be promoted,

Right?

But then it was almost like once the promotion was there,

I needed to have the next project to keep proving myself.

So it's also a never ending spiral that the critic gets us into.

And what it causes is paralysis or also procrastination.

So sometimes when we fear the failure or the criticism from the outside,

We go into avoiding behaviors like that we are delaying important tasks or avoiding challenges in our life altogether.

So we never put ourselves into places where we might be challenged or there might be a possibility of failing because that would be the worst for us to fail in something.

And it's so interesting because we are in this society where failure is really like doomed and is made like such a negative thing while actually failure gets us to learn.

You know,

We're so ashamed when we're failing,

When we're,

You know,

Like getting bankrupt or financially being in a difficult situation or when,

You know,

Like all these moments when we could be seen as a failure.

We don't want that.

We want to avoid that at all costs.

And what it actually does is it keeps us from learning and growing because making mistakes,

Having failures in our lives,

That makes us grow.

And that also shows our courage to take a leap,

Even if we don't know the results yet.

And I feel like in these days,

A lot of us need to take that leap,

You know,

That leap of trust,

Even at the consequence that we might fail,

But we need to go for it anyways.

And a lot of people get stuck in that.

You know,

I know people,

Sometimes when I work with people who say,

Okay,

I want to,

You know,

Start my own business and everything,

That people start overthinking it,

Wanting to go to perfection before they put anything out there.

And then it takes years and years and years and they don't put anything out there still because they're blocked by this,

You know,

Other part that is much more deeper,

Which is the deep critical voice that gives us the anxiety of failing or being seen in a certain way and then feeling shame around that or,

You know,

Not having the perfect picture of ourselves.

So what the critic also does is it keeps us in this perfect picture rather than being authentic.

So it keeps us also often from being authentic,

From maybe saying really no to people or setting a good boundary or saying something uncomfortable because the critic wants us to be in this safe space of not being on the edge.

And so how can you recognize the inner critic?

And I already mentioned it before,

It's important to first of all,

Create self-awareness,

Right?

Like the self-awareness that is when we understand that the critic is,

The voice of the critic is speaking,

That the mechanic,

The program of the critic is running,

Right?

So here's some practical tips how you can become more familiar and more aware of the critic is just notice in which situations in your life the critic shows up.

Is it in moments of stress or social comparison or when you pursue a challenge,

Just like become really familiar where in your life when you notice that the inner critic is the loudest,

So to say.

And when the critic is the loudest,

Try to observe not just the thoughts,

Right?

Like the thoughts,

What are the thoughts that you have?

Like what is the judgment the critic gives on you?

I would say like one of the things I try to do with clients is write down what the critic tells you because we want to know those sentences.

Because again,

I said one of the most important parts is to disidentify with the critic.

So once we are aware,

We can start disidentifying it.

And by writing down what the critic says,

You start recognizing this voice and you start recognizing this repeating messages that you get.

And what is really important is so already,

You know,

Recognizing the critic's voice,

That is a big step,

You know,

Just noticing and maybe naming it in a moment.

Oh,

My critic is talking.

And in that way,

You're already making a bit of space between you and the critic.

And then you can tell yourself,

OK,

The inner critic is not me.

So in that way,

You disidentify from the critic,

You understand it as an internalized voice rather than being you and your thoughts.

And the way the situation is full stop,

Like,

You know,

This hundred percent,

No,

That's just how it is.

And I think what is also important is that it's not just about listening to the critic,

You know,

And to what it thinks and says,

But also how it makes you feel.

Does the critic,

For example,

Make you feel ashamed or guilty or really small or not worthy?

And how does it feel in the body?

Because a lot of times the critic is a little bit like a bully.

So it's like this voice that speaks a little bit from top down on us,

You know,

And very often also in a very harsh bullying way.

So very often we might not be able to track the messages that the critic gives us,

But we can track instantly how it makes us feel.

So when you feel a certain way,

When you feel like all of a sudden really anxious or,

You know,

Like every one of us has different ways of how the critic makes us feel.

And so that's why it's so important to understand what does it do for you?

Is it anxious or is it that you withdraw from other people and feel really lonely?

Or is it that you become really like very out there,

Want to talk a lot and,

You know,

Like just really notice what is your internal state when the critic talks to you?

Or do you feel really small and like a little child in that moment?

So next time you catch yourself,

You know,

Either feeling in the way that the critic makes you feel or thinking it,

Just try pausing and asking,

Whose voice is that really?

Or just saying,

Hey,

This is not me.

And in that way,

You can very simply create distance between you and the critic.

And yeah.

And so this is,

I think,

The first step to create that distance to go out of this identification.

And then,

You know,

Very often,

You know,

A lot,

A lot in like self-help,

There's a lot of just change those thoughts in I'm great or I'm good.

And then the critic is going to be fine.

But I have to say,

In this deep inner transformation work and shadow work,

I found this is not really,

This is just scratching the surface.

So if I reframe certain cognitive patterns,

And I just,

You know,

Put like new beliefs into my head,

The belief isn't changing,

Because we have to go to the core of where this belief has been created.

And that inner dialogue is just the result of what is a deeper phenomenon inside of us.

So maybe just like to go a little bit deeper is how,

How was the critic even created,

Right?

Like how did the critic show up in our lives in the first place?

And very often,

It's actually an internalized voice from one of our caregivers,

It could be,

You know,

One of our parents,

It could be a teacher,

It could be also our social environment that has certain,

You know,

Like an embodied inner critic,

So to say.

And that is where the critic actually starts.

So it's usually something that starts very early on.

So let's say one of our parents has been very critical to us,

And always,

You know,

Pointing out what we need to improve.

And this can be,

By the way,

Also nonverbal,

It can be verbal,

Or nonverbal.

Or,

You know,

The nonverbal way can just be the way they look at us,

Or how they make us feel in these moments when we don't act in a way they expect us to.

This creates a voice,

First of all,

It could be one of your parents,

Speaking to you in this,

You know,

Saying these things,

That's very often why very often the critic sounds like one of our parents,

Actually,

Which is very interesting.

So you might want to track that too.

Does it sound familiar?

And the other thing is what we do,

You know,

When we're little,

And when we're very young,

So we listen to that voice coming from the outside.

But over time,

This voice coming from a person on the outside becomes our internalized voice.

And that becomes our internalized inner critic.

And that is very interesting.

So at some point,

We think,

Oh,

Yeah,

That's just how I think,

Rather than,

Hey,

That's been a voice that I've been taking on.

That isn't even my voice.

Yeah,

You could call that the shadow or the father shadow,

Although that internal voice is only part of that shadow.

But what is very interesting is,

So we hear a certain message over and over again,

Until we tell it to ourselves.

And that's why inner critic is like a program that runs us and that makes us see the world in a certain way,

Feel in a certain way,

Have certain thoughts,

Although that's not necessarily our reality.

Most of the time,

It's actually not at all our reality.

And then we run through life and create this self-fulfilling prophecy thing that because we think we're inadequate or not as good as ba-ba-ba,

We actually create these situations over again in our life that prove that the critic is right.

And maybe one thing I also want to say is that the critic in younger ages where it's created is very often also somehow protecting us,

Right?

In a distorted way,

It protects us from that criticism that feels much harder for us to bear with.

So let's say one of our parents,

Let's say your mom keeps being very critical,

Right?

And then the critic tells you certain things,

So you change your behavior.

So you're being a little bit more the good person or the perfect,

Or you're achieving all these things.

And in a way,

The critic tells you,

See,

I'm helping you.

Through me,

You get better,

You improve more,

You become a better person.

And a lot of people actually tell that to me.

When we're in this work,

They say,

Yeah,

But it's a really good voice.

It helps me to improve and to not stay comfortable in my comfort zone.

And although see that point,

I also want to mark that because of the harshness that critic speaks to us,

It still is an abusive relationship,

So to say,

An internalized abusive relationship where we say,

Yeah,

He is abusing me,

But he's helping me improve.

That's kind of like,

If to say it in a very non-politically correct,

Very direct way,

This is how a relationship with a critic can sometimes be.

And so,

As I mentioned,

How do you work with it?

It's very important that to know you can transform the critic,

Right?

You can transform the critic by bringing the critic closer,

Which is the second step.

So first,

Self-awareness.

So you're becoming aware that the critic is acting,

Right?

The second is dis-identify from the critic.

And the third is bring it closer.

So become really,

Really familiar with the critic,

But create distance at the same time.

I know this sounds paradox,

But it's kind of like through the dis-identification,

You create distance.

So these are not my thoughts.

The critic is not me.

I'm not my critic,

Right?

But at the same time,

You want to have the critic close enough so it doesn't run this program while you're not even aware of it.

You want to be aware of it because that is what takes the power away from the critic.

You know,

A lot of people say,

Oh yeah,

I'm just going to overwrite these messages or I'm just like going to suppress the critic,

But that doesn't change that the critic is still there.

So what we need to do is to get really familiar so it doesn't have its power over us and it doesn't run its program without us knowing.

And then obviously,

You know,

And that's I think a part that is something where we sometimes really need a guide,

You know,

A coach or a therapist to guide us through this deeper layers of where the critic has created,

Has been created because I can tell you everything about the critic on a cognitive level,

Right?

But how I started working differently with the critic is on an emotional,

Spiritual,

Psycho- spiritual level to really go to those places.

And I couldn't have done that on my own because the critic is really good in manipulating us.

So we're not even getting there,

Right?

Like that's the thing.

A lot of those programs that are running when we want to get rid of them or,

You know,

Start transforming them,

They're actually really intelligently knowing how to sabotage this process.

So we keep staying stuck in it.

And one of those sabotages for me is to talk about the critic and be very cognitive about it.

And although there is a cognitive aspect that you can track and that you can see,

The emotional part is,

In my experience,

The psycho-spiritual part,

The deeper emotional part,

The embodied part of this work is where the real change happens,

The real transformation,

The real,

You know,

Where you can really see the difference between how the critic had a grip on you before and after.

And what definitely helps is,

You know,

Like to,

At the same time when you work with the critic,

Also to cultivate another voice in your head.

And that's a loving,

Gentle voice.

That's a voice that gives you reaffirmation and that speaks in a gentle,

Loving,

Seeing you way.

And that is a voice you can cultivate.

One of the ways you can do it is by doing self-compassion practice,

Right?

But what is really important is that in itself cannot help because you might still have a part that says,

Yeah,

I don't believe these voices.

I don't believe this like loving way of talking to myself,

Right?

Then it's just a cognitive exercise.

That's why it's so important to also go to the core,

To that place where some parts of you might still feel that they are criticized and being,

You know,

That those parts that are still wounded by that.

So,

You know,

So there's a lot that you can do about the critic.

And then I encourage you in,

You know,

To really reflect in your relationships as you go about this week,

You know,

How the critic reinforce or helps you to,

In relationships,

To feel more criticized,

To feel less good or compare yourself or needing to prove or feeling guilty or shame or so.

Like,

I invite you to really track your critic in the coming days to come and write down your notes about it.

And just to summarize,

So the origins of the critic is that it's very often comes from childhood conditioning and from social conditioning that we grow up with.

There is ways to transform it,

To integrate the critic in a different way.

And by the way,

I just want to say,

We all have an inner critic,

You know,

Like all of us.

But with practice,

We can actually learn to,

Instead of it limiting us,

Instead of it running us,

Taking the steering wheel of our life away,

We can actually find a very healthy and good way to work with it.

And that is the great hope.

And remember,

You know,

Last thing,

Remember,

You're not your thoughts,

You're not your critic.

And the critic is just a voice.

And there are many other kinds of voices you can listen to.

And when you stop feeding the critic,

That is when there's a shift.

So I hope you took some good insights away from today's episode.

And please share your experience with working with the critic with me.

Share it with your with a friend.

And yeah,

Let me know how it goes.

If you have any questions around it,

Please let me know what your questions are.

I'm so happy to talk to you about more of those topics.

If there's anything I touched on that you want to go deeper,

Let me know.

And with that,

Have a beautiful week.

I wish you all the best.