The 3 Ns: Self-Compassion Made Simple

The Three Ns.

We are conditioned to believe that we should live happily ever after,

As the storybooks say.

The things we see on TV,

On social media,

They give us this impression that we should be happy,

That we certainly should not feel flat,

Or anxious,

Or,

Heaven forbid,

A little depressed.

We are taught that something must be wrong,

And that there's a problem if we are feeling this way.

The message fed to us throughout our waking hours is therefore that we should feel good.

Life should flow for us and work out well if we choose to feel this way.

And the feel-good messages in our societies don't help.

Don't worry,

Be happy.

Happiness is a choice.

And think happy and be happy are some of the many messages that we're programmed to believe.

These themes often reinforce for us that thinking positively,

Or being happy,

Is the only way we should be.

But they also simultaneously reinforce another message.

The message of,

It's not okay to feel like this.

It's not okay to be thinking like this.

When we let this message take control of our lives,

We set ourselves up for an inner struggle.

Why?

Because if the message is that you shouldn't be thinking this way,

And you shouldn't be feeling this way,

Then we start to deny,

Suppress,

Avoid the perfectly normal,

Unhelpful thoughts and unwanted feelings that are evoked when we're going through a tough time.

Then what happens?

As Debbie Ford said,

What you cannot be with,

Will not let you be.

Inner resistance builds.

And this brings us back around to the suffering formula from day two.

Suffering equals pain times resistance.

And to complement this,

As Carl Jung put it,

What you resist persists.

So let's find another strategy together that could help us for when times are tough.

Let's go to the wisdom of the waves for some more information about this.

World-leading researcher Kristen Neff talks about the power of self-compassion.

She is widely recognized as one of the world's leading experts on self-compassion,

Being the first person to operationally define self-compassion,

As well as to measure it over the last few years.

When I teach self-compassion,

I like to refer to Kristen Neff's three elements.

The three elements of self-compassion are,

Number one,

Mindfulness,

Number two,

Common humanity,

And number three,

Self-kindness.

Kristen Neff speaks about pausing when she gets caught up in her difficult thoughts and feelings.

She gently states to herself,

This is a moment of suffering,

As she takes one hand and puts it on her heart.

Let's explore these three elements of mindfulness,

Common humanity,

And self-kindness that Kristen Neff talks about.

Then we'll break down what she does by saying this to herself and putting her hand on her heart,

And we can then create a tool that you could use should you choose to.

I like to teach these three elements as three verbs,

Each of these three verbs that begin with the letter N.

I call this the three N's of self-compassion.

Taken from Kristen Neff's three elements of self-compassion,

And again,

Mindfulness,

Common humanity,

And self-kindness,

We can use the three N's to give us a tool to help us for when we need it.

Notice,

Normalize,

And nurture.

The first element,

Mindfulness,

We're going to use the word notice.

Mindfulness is about noticing,

But not just noticing.

It's about gentle awareness,

Being open and receptive.

And here we're talking about self-compassion,

So this is mindfulness of our inner world,

Whereas usually we're taught about mindfulness in the external world.

What happens when we're giving ourselves a hard time is that we tend to avoid,

Distract,

Deny,

Pretend,

Or think our way into ways that just drive the hook in deeper.

I can't do this.

I'm noticing the thought that I can't do this.

I'm noticing this energy in motion.

This involves bringing curiosity.

Curiosity is the antidote from a contracted,

Automatic default response.

When we bring gentle awareness and curiosity to our inner world,

It opens us up to allow the difficult thoughts and feelings to come and go.

Notice those thoughts and feelings that arise.

Notice your response to this.

Does it bring on a contracted state?

Does your mind start to sabotage what is being said in this very moment?

And as I said before,

We're talking about our inner world,

Experiences on the inside,

Whether pleasant,

Unpleasant,

Or neutral.

We need to be able to notice,

To be able to apply the following two elements.

So this first element of mindfulness,

We use the verb notice.

The second element,

Common humanity.

How would we practice common humanity?

How do we normalize?

It's very simple,

Through validating self-talk.

This is not about being caught up in the automatic thoughts that our minds give us when we're talking to ourselves.

This is choosing to validate ourselves through our words.

Here are some examples.

These are normal thoughts and feelings that I'm experiencing,

Given the circumstances,

Even though my mind tells me that they're not.

This is not nice for me in this moment,

But I'm allowing these experiences to be here.

I choose to be okay with not being okay.

I am here for me.

This thought keeps hooking me and it feels awful,

But I know everyone experiences difficult thoughts from time to time.

I'm going through hell at the moment.

It's not nice to have difficult thoughts and feelings on top of all of this.

I don't like this feeling,

But it's here now.

I'm allowing it to be.

My mind is giving me unhelpful thoughts right now,

But I know that's what minds do when times are tough.

Here's this wave of fear.

I'm choosing to be with this as it rises and falls.

I don't like this feeling,

But I'm making room for it.

And so on.

This is about validating our own experiences,

Choosing to talk to ourselves in a way that validates what we're going through.

It doesn't push away the tough time.

It makes room for the difficult thoughts and feelings so we have space to be able to take small actions towards things that are still important in our lives,

Towards the little glimmers of meaningful connection that are around us despite going through the tough time.

I'll leave this for you to decide.

I've given you a range of different examples here,

But remember it could just be one of these sentences and maybe you want to improvise to make it your own.

As you do this,

The idea is that you come from a validating place.

So that was element number two,

Common humanity,

Which we'll use the verb normalize.

Element number three,

Self-kindness,

And we'll use the verb nurture.

Self-kindness is not the default mode of the mind.

When we make a mistake or when we're going through a tough time,

We're more likely to buy into those thoughts that beat ourselves up rather than put a supportive arm around our own shoulders.

Self-kindness is about bringing the same level of kindness to ourselves as we would to others that we care about.

And I know this sounds cliche,

But what is the alternative to developing this relationship with ourselves?

It's the opposite of kindness.

It's rigid.

It's unkind.

It doesn't heal us.

When life is difficult,

We need support and kindness more than ever.

Responding to ourselves kindly or kind gestures and actions that help our well-being.

Some questions here could be,

Number one,

What is the most supportive thing I can bring to mind right now?

And number two,

What is the most supportive thing that I can do right now?

So self-kindness,

Nurture,

We can do it in thoughts,

Words or actions.

The three elements of self-compassion again are mindfulness,

Common humanity and self-kindness.

These can be remembered as the verbs notice,

Normalize and nurture.

As I said before,

Kristin Neff pauses when she gets caught up in difficult thoughts and feelings.

She gently states to herself,

This is a moment of suffering,

As she takes one hand and puts it on her heart.

Let's go through this to fully understand the three elements of self-compassion.

When Kristin Neff gets caught up in a difficult moment,

She pauses.

Notice.

She gently states to herself,

This is a moment of suffering.

Normalize.

She takes one hand and puts it on her heart.

Nurture.

Maybe you could improvise here.

The idea is that,

In gently repeating the three ends,

You are actively practicing the art of self-compassion.

Even when your inner critic comes in and tells you that you can't do it,

That it won't work,

That you don't deserve it and all the other stories that our minds give us.

Why?

Because we're starting to do something new,

Something unfamiliar.

And when we start to do something unfamiliar,

It feels a little different.

It feels a little uncomfortable.

So the mind is just trying to protect us.

But the depth of who you are knows that this could help you work through difficult times.

That you holding yourself in gentle awareness,

Validating yourself with kind self-talk and nurturing yourself is how we grow through difficult times.

Deep down,

I know that you deserve this.

And deep down,

You know that you deserve this.

It doesn't matter what the mind says.

It's your actions that speak louder than those words in your head.

I want to give you an example of nurture.

So nurture could be talking to ourself in kind ways.

It could be gestures or actions towards ourselves.

Actions that soothe us,

Such as putting your hand on your heart.

Actions that enhance our well-being,

Like going and gently making a cup of tea.

Here's the exercise.

Take attention to your dominant hand as you hold it in front of you and look at it.

Now recall the times when you have used this hand in kind ways.

Held the hand of someone,

Rubbed their back,

Hugged them.

Maybe you cuddled a baby or stroked an animal with intention.

Now take attention to your hand.

Feel the energy in your hand and allow yourself to imagine filling this hand with that same caring energy.

That warm,

Kind energy.

Now place your hand where you feel you need it most upon your body.

It could be upon your heart.

It could be on your belly.

It could be anywhere.

Rest your hand there.

Feel the warmth flowing from your palm into your body,

Spreading in all directions.

Wherever you find contraction or unnecessary tension,

Allow that warm,

Kind energy that you have given to others to flow into this part of your body.

If you aren't feeling anything at all,

Or you feel numb,

Then simply visualize in any way that you wish.

Feeling numb or nothing at all is also what living,

Caring humans experience.

And you are a living,

Caring human being.

Let the kindness flow from your fingers into your body.

What is the most supportive thing I could bring to mind right now,

When we're going through a tough time?

Our pain,

Our emotional discomfort,

Or our numbness is part of being human.

This is what living,

Caring humans feel when life is difficult.

And I'm saying this right now,

With my hand on my heart.

It is my hope that you can take even a baby step in the direction of these three elements of self-compassion.

Notice.

Normalize.

Nurture.

What might it be like when life throws a curveball at you,

And instead of it spinning you out of control,

Or it sucking you into a vortex of rumination,

You acknowledge your struggle,

And hold yourself in kindness,

Using the three N's.

Self-compassion can be boiled down to six words.

Acknowledge your struggle.

Respond with kindness.

Notice those thoughts that try and sabotage the practice.

This won't work.

What's the point?

You don't deserve it.

That's what minds are supposed to do.

If you stick with gentle persistence whilst your mind tries to derail the practice,

Then that is self-compassion in action.

We need to have the inner critic coming in.

And if you gently come back to the three N's,

Then you are showing up for yourself,

Whilst the difficult thoughts that the mind tries to hook you with continue.

Thank you for appreciating my work,

And thank you for being part of the change.