IFS INSIGHT: Self-Compassion And Understanding Inner Critics

I'm thankful to be on this journey with you and to be a part of this community as we follow the path to inner peace and sacred connection.

So settle in,

Open up your heart and mind,

And let's begin another episode.

As those who've been around a while know,

Internal Family Systems,

Or IFS,

Is really fascinating and incredibly effective,

And it's an approach to personal growth and healing.

At its core,

IFS recognizes that we have various parts within us,

Each with its own unique perspective,

Feelings,

And roles.

Some parts are more protective,

While others are more vulnerable.

The goal is to create harmony among these parts and lead from a place of self,

Our true essence,

Characterized by qualities like compassion,

Curiosity,

And calmness.

One of the most challenging parts many of us face is the inner critic or critics.

This part can be harsh,

Judgmental,

And relentless.

It might tell us we're not good enough,

Smart enough,

Or deserving of love and success.

But here's the thing,

The inner critic is not inherently bad.

We know that.

There are no bad parts.

In fact,

It's trying to protect us,

Often from feelings of shame,

Failure,

Or rejection.

So how do we begin to work with this inner critic rather than against it?

The answer lies,

And it's probably no surprise,

In self-compassion.

By approaching our inner critics just like we do our other parts with curiosity and kindness,

We can start to understand their protective intentions and help them to soften back and relax a little and know that they don't have to work so hard.

And so here's a simple exercise you can try.

And I invite you to pause this recording if you need to each time I ask you to reflect.

First,

Find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably.

Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to settle into the present moment.

Now bring to mind a recent time when your inner critic was particularly loud.

Maybe it was criticizing your work,

Your parenting,

Or your appearance.

Instead of pushing it away,

Gently acknowledge its presence.

You might say something like,

I see you and I know you're trying to help me in your own way.

Notice how this part responds to your acknowledgement.

Often just recognizing its presence can bring a sense of relief.

Next,

See if you can get curious about this inner critic.

Let's get questions like,

What are you trying to protect me from?

Or what do you need from me?

Listen with an open heart without judgment.

You might be surprised by the answers you receive.

Be aware of those parts that may be chiming in that may have some resistance to the critic or the critics.

Let it know that it's valid and see if it could soften back for just a bit.

Knowing that it can have a chance for some time to share in the future too.

For now,

We're trying to get to know this critic a little more.

As you continue this dialogue,

Offer the critic some compassion if you can,

Even just a drop.

Thank it for its efforts to protect you,

Even if its methods are harsh.

Let it know that you appreciate its intentions.

There might be a gentler way to achieve the same goal.

This process might take some time and that's okay.

The key is to approach it with patience and understanding.

And in my own work and in my practice with others,

Clients,

I've seen incredible shifts.

When I start and when others start to treat their critics with compassion,

Instead of feeling stuck in a cycle of self-criticism,

They begin to experience more self-acceptance and inner peace.

It's a beautiful transformation that opens up new possibilities for growth and healing.

Let's delve in just a bit deeper into the practical side of cultivating self-compassion in our daily lives.

It's not just about big moments of introspection.

It's also about the small everyday practices that build a foundation of self-love and understanding.

Here are some ways that you can do that.

First,

Mindful awareness.

As I've mentioned before,

If we just start by becoming aware,

In this case of your self-critical thoughts,

Notice when they arise and how they make you feel.

This awareness is the first step to change.

Then self-kindness.

I don't know about you,

But I haven't been taught to do this a lot.

It's even frowned upon in some circles of where we just need to suck it up and,

In my case,

Act like a man or however that's framed for you.

But self-kindness is key.

And when you catch yourself being self-critical,

Pause and try to reframe those thoughts in a kinder,

More supportive way.

Ask yourself,

What would I say to a friend in this situation?

Often we're much harsher on ourselves than we would be on anyone else.

Then our common humanity.

Remind yourself that everyone struggles and experiences self-doubt.

You're not alone in this.

We're all in this together.

And understanding that imperfection is a part of the human experience can help you and me be more forgiving of ourselves.

And then daily practice.

Integrate small acts of self-compassion into your routine.

This could be through journaling,

Meditation,

Or simply taking a moment to acknowledge your efforts and achievements.

Celebrate your small wins and give yourself credit where it's due.

And then finally,

Self-compassionate dialogue,

Which is what we're doing with IFS.

Engage in regular self-compassionate dialogues.

When you notice the inner critic or critic surfacing,

Take a moment to counter those thoughts with compassionate responses.

For instance,

If your inner critic says,

You failed again,

Respond with,

I'm doing my best and it's okay to make mistakes.

One powerful technique I want to share is the use of self-compassion breaks.

This involves taking a few minutes out of your day to check in with yourself.

And maybe this would be a good challenge for all of us to try and do this week and see what we notice.

During this time,

Acknowledge any difficulties you're facing.

Remind yourself of your shared humanity and speak kindly to yourself.

It's a mini reset that can make a significant difference in how you handle stress and criticism.

Now let's talk for a bit about a practical tool from IFS.

It's called unblending.

Unblending involves separating yourself from your parts,

Especially those critical parts,

So that you can engage with them from a place of self.

Here's a step-by-step guide to unblending.

First,

Identify the part and notice,

Like we talked about before,

When a part,

Such as the inner critic,

Is taking over,

Driving the bus.

You've heard it said sometimes.

Acknowledge its presence without judgment and notice those parts that may be critical and have some judgment coming in.

Maybe give them some attention.

And then create space,

Mentally create some space between yourself and this part.

You might visualize stepping back or observing the part from a distance.

And then engage with self.

Connect with your core,

Your heart center,

Your qualities,

Like compassion and calmness,

And extend that to those critics and those parts that may be reacting to the critic's dialogue.

In this place of self,

Engage in a compassionate dialogue with the part.

Ask it what it needs and how you can support it.

Remind it it's not alone.

And then finally,

Reassure the part that you,

As the self,

Are in charge and that you appreciate its protective role.

By practicing unblending,

You create a healthy separation that allows you to respond from a place of wisdom and compassion,

Rather than reacting impulsively from a part that may be stuck in old patterns,

Likely stuck in the past.

Let me give you an example of my own life.

I don't know about you,

But I've got parts that can be very harsh,

Very critical.

And these parts constantly tell me things like,

You're not doing enough,

It'll never be enough.

Whether it be at work or with my family,

As a partner,

As a father,

And that I'm failing.

Through IFS,

I've learned to unblend from this part or these critical parts and approach them with compassion.

No matter how harsh they are,

They're doing the best.

But it makes sense that there are parts that are scared of them,

That are tired of them getting the attention.

And I've learned to give those parts some attention too.

And through this,

I've discovered that this inner critic,

These very critical parts,

Have been trying to protect me.

They're doing the best that they can.

They're trying to protect me from fear of being judged by others.

And by acknowledging and appreciating their positive intention,

I've been able to suit this inner critic and find a more balanced,

Compassionate way to move forward.

And I've found that some of my most fierce critics have become my strongest inner champions who can watch out for me.

And those parts that were scared of them find that they're watching out for them too.

And there can be more balance and understanding.

And they make up the self of me,

Of who I am.

I need my parts that were extremely critical in their less extreme state to have balance in my system and in my life.

And the story that we all have,

I'm sure,

Is a testament to the power of self-compassion and understanding,

Or seeking understanding with curiosity and compassion.

And when we approach our inner critics with this type of kindness,

We can transform our relationship with them.

And in turn,

With other parts inside of us and with others in the world who have these same parts that come up.

Before I wrap up today's episode,

I want to leave you with a few more practical tips and reflections.

And I encourage you to just take one action this week.

First,

Develop a self-compassion ritual.

Create a daily or weekly ritual that helps you connect with your compassionate self.

This could be a morning affirmation,

A gratitude journal,

Or just simply a quiet meditation.

Set boundaries with compassion.

Learn to set healthy boundaries with your inner critic.

When it becomes too loud,

Remind it gently that you appreciate its concern,

But you need space to handle things in your own way and see if it can trust you a little more.

Seek support.

Sometimes working with inner critics can be challenging and it's okay to seek support.

Consider working with a practitioner trained in IFS or joining a group where you can share experiences and learn from others.

And then finally,

Reflect on progress.

Regularly reflect on your progress.

Celebrate the small victories and be gentle with yourself during setbacks.

Healing is a journey.

It's not a destination.

I hope this has been helpful and that you've got some insights and practical tools to embrace self-compassion and work with your inner critics.

All of our parts,

Including those critics,

Are doing the best that they can.