Working With Anger

I had a request to talk about working with anger.

I mentioned anger and other emotions last week a little bit in the class.

And really when we talk about working with anger,

It's similar to how we work with other emotions.

And the key to working with any strong emotion is learning to cultivate non-reactivity,

Which is a form of patience.

So I'll start with a quote from Hazrat Anayat Khan.

Patience is the most difficult thing in life.

And once this is mastered,

Man will become the master of all difficulties.

Patience,

In other words,

May be called the power of endurance during the absence of the desired things or conditions.

They say death is the worst thing in life,

But in point of fact,

Patience is often worse than death.

One would prefer death to patience when patience is severely tried.

This is one of my favorite quotes for many reasons.

I think there's a lot of truth in it,

And there's a lot of humor.

It can be really hard being human.

You know,

We grow up,

We're in this world,

We're embodied,

Immersed in the oneness of all while feeling separate and individuated.

And being human,

We have so many different experiences.

And as a result of all that we experience,

We have emotions that we experience within our bodies,

Within our minds.

And all emotions are actually natural,

And it's healthy to experience the full range of emotions.

Even though there might be emotions that we don't like,

Such as anger or sadness or anxiety,

Ultimately all of the emotions are different flavors of the experience of being human,

Of life,

Of experiencing connection to others and the world around us.

So while it is healthy to experience all of the emotions,

The difficulty comes when we are ruled by our emotions,

When the emotions become so strong that they overpower us and cause us to speak and act in ways that are not truly what we desire,

That are not truly how we feel deep down,

But are a passing experience of the moment.

In this sense,

When we allow our emotions to overtake us,

It's a form of reactivity.

And so to work with the emotions,

We have to learn to be a little less reactive.

We have to learn to calm the nervous system and ground within ourselves so that even when we experience a really strong emotion,

Such as anger,

We can experience it and feel it within our bodies,

But then not allow that to be the source of our words and actions.

This can be very challenging.

And I'm sure all of us have had the experience where we are overwhelmed by a particular emotion,

Such as anger,

And we let that guide our words and we end up saying things or doing things that we later regret,

Where we hurt ourselves or those we care about,

And it doesn't bring about that which we truly desire.

When we look at anger,

If we start to peel back the layers and look beneath the anger,

Almost always anger is rooted in fear.

So an example that many people might be able to relate to is driving in traffic.

And you're driving in traffic and maybe you're already having a not great day and someone cuts you off.

And there can be this immediate surge of anger and we might shake our fist or yell at them or quietly simmer in our anger.

But ultimately,

If we look where that anger arises from,

It's from fear.

From fear of being cut off of the possibility of being in an accident of harm to ourselves or harm to the person who cut us off,

Fear of being late to some obligation that we're on our way to.

And similarly,

When we're in relationship,

You know,

There's a few different sayings that convey this idea,

But one of them is,

We always tend to hurt the ones we love the most.

And why is that?

Why is it that it's often in the context of deep,

Meaningful relationship of love that we can often have the most intense anger arise?

And again,

If we look beneath that experience of anger,

It's almost always rooted in fear.

Either fear of abandonment,

Fear of not being loved,

Fear of not being good enough,

Fear of not being seen or understood for who we are.

And particularly when it comes to anger that arises in relationship,

A lot of times those are patterns that are rooted in when we were young,

When we were in utero or when we were babies or very young children.

And it relates to attachment issues,

Because ultimately a lot of the challenge and the art of being human is to learn how to be fully grounded and comfortable in ourselves and to be able to love others unconditionally without needing anything from them.

And while this might be a nice ideal,

In reality,

Many of us feel this need to be loved by others.

And that can be really challenging when we're in relationship and there's things that happen where we suddenly fear that maybe we aren't loved,

Maybe we aren't wanted.

And so that's a form of deeper anger that's also rooted in fear.

And so it's interesting,

You know,

We can have anger in so many different forms,

You know,

From irritability,

Impatience,

To full outrage.

But all of those are different variations and flavor of the emotion of anger.

To work with it,

Part of it is,

First of all,

Learning to pause when we feel the emotion of anger arising in our bodies,

In our experiences.

Usually when we feel anger,

We immediately look for a cause or a source,

That it's because this person said this to me and so that made me angry,

Or they did this to me and that made me angry.

But if you look at even those two abstract examples,

That's all about taking things personally,

About other people not treating us the way that we want them to,

Or not being the way that we want them to.

And it's part of the challenge of being human that we often go about trying to get our needs met through our relationships with others,

Varying from deep relationships to even passing superficial relationships to colleagues and work relationships.

A lot of our interactions can end up being based about how this is going to affect or benefit me.

And when people don't act in ways that we would prefer that they did,

It can be very easy to take it personally and to have anger arise in our experience.

And so to work with anger,

When we have those moments of anger arising,

We have to first learn to pause,

Acknowledge I'm feeling angry.

And this can be internal,

We don't necessarily have to share that with anyone.

Simply to acknowledge in our experience that we have anger arising in our bodies.

And then when we have that experience and we can first pause and acknowledge it,

That at least gives us a momentary break between the arising of the emotion and then the reaction of how we speak or act towards others.

As we work with this,

After we acknowledge it,

Then we can take a moment to start to look beneath the experience of the anger to see where it's arising from.

Because while the tendency of the mind will be to immediately assign blame or reason outside of ourselves as to why we feel anger,

The truth is that we're just having an experience of anger in the body.

And we can always find reasons for it,

But finding reasons outside of ourselves will never actually help us to resolve that anger.

We only begin to resolve that anger as we turn the gaze within and look to see what's underlying that experience in our bodies.

And this is true with all of the emotions,

But I think anger tends to be one of the more challenging ones to work with.

And that's because it is so fiery.

And when it arises,

It has this internal urgency,

This need to react,

To try to change things.

But when we allow that anger to guide our words and actions,

Rarely does it ever bring about the deep fulfillment and connection that we're craving in that moment.

And so as we consciously decide and commit to taking a moment to first acknowledge where the anger is coming from,

Or that there is anger,

And then to look to see where it's coming from,

This can actually be a very healing experience.

It takes time and practice,

And with most things,

In being human,

We will often fail,

More times than we succeed at first.

And it's important not to be guilty or feel shame about that,

Because that only reinforces the patterns that we're trying to change.

But as we begin to make space for that,

We will have moments of success.

Even if we pause for a moment and say internally,

I feel angry,

And then we go ahead and let it out,

That's actually still a huge success,

Because you're starting to create a break between the experience and the reaction.

And with dedication and practice,

That pause can start to grow bigger.

This is why,

You know,

In psychotherapy,

A common technique they'll use with couples and other people when they're having anger come up is they'll suggest that they,

You know,

Give themselves a time out,

Walk away,

Take 10 deep breaths,

Because anything we can do to create a pause gives us the ability to then start to look within and to not allow that reaction to guide us.

And I said that this can be very healing.

In the moment when it's occurring,

It may not feel very healing.

It can actually be a pretty strong form of suffering when we allow that anger to sit within us and to actually experience it.

Anger is not a pleasant sensation.

And that's another reason why sometimes it's easier to just express it and push it out of us and project it onto somebody else.

It's not comfortable to sit with it in the body.

And so we have to build up a tolerance.

And with all emotions,

When we have a strong emotion within the body,

If we can sit with it in our experience as it is,

Neither projecting it outward nor repressing it and trying to push it down in a way to not experience it,

When we can sit with it at the pivot of our being,

It will start to transform just by experiencing it.

It will start to transform,

And it will actually start to fundamentally transform us as individuals because we start to learn and understand where that experience is coming from.

And most often,

As I mentioned earlier,

It's coming from deep traumas that have occurred either when we were young or throughout the course of our lifetime.

Because being human,

We all have different levels and forms of trauma,

Whether it's from family and parents and growing up,

Or from love relationships or friendships that have gone south.

We all have challenges.

We all have difficulty.

And we all have these traumas that occur from being human and being in relationship with others in the world around us.

Many times when traumas occur,

We don't necessarily have the ability to properly address it,

Heal it,

Integrate it in the moment.

And so it will continue to come up in different forms,

In different contexts.

And a lot of times when we get angry,

It's because something has been triggered in one of those traumatic areas within us that then comes to the fore.

When we allow ourselves the space to sit with it and experience it in our body,

It actually will start to change and subside.

And as we sit with those strong emotions and experiences,

It actually leads to deeper levels of integration within our being.

And that's a deep form of healing,

Of becoming more whole within ourselves.

And it's something that only we can do.

You know,

While friends or loved ones or therapists can help us by holding space or asking questions or being there for us,

Ultimately it's up to us each individually to take responsibility for our experiences and what's occurring within our experience and within our bodies.

It's important,

As I said,

To acknowledge that all of the emotions are perfectly natural and healthy.

It's very easy to be hard on ourselves when we have an emotion like anger come up in our experience,

To judge it,

To judge ourselves,

To think that we shouldn't feel that or we shouldn't be that way.

But none of that will ever help us to heal and move towards what we truly desire.

We have to make space for it.

We have to make space for the complexity of being human,

For the fact that we have all of these different emotions within us,

And any one of them can surge to the fore in a moment and feel strong and overwhelming.

But as we acknowledge it and make space for it and realize that it is an experience that we are having and that it is not indicative of anything essential about us as an individual,

It will subside,

It will pass.

You know,

In Buddhism,

One of the fundamental truths of reality is impermanence,

That everything is continually changing,

And this applies to our experiences and our emotions.

As we learn to make space for a strong emotion and observe it,

It becomes clear that it is changing and it will not stay with us always.

It's one of the ironies of being human that often when we fight against something,

We actually concretize it and make it even more strong within our experience.

If we judge anger as wrong and fight against it and get mad at it and push it down,

We actually are going to reinforce the tendency to be angry.

And as I said,

A lot of times part of the issue is that we tend to self-identify with our emotions.

We think that they actually are who we are instead of just an experience that we're having.

And when we self-identify with it,

We reinforce it.

We think that it's a permanent aspect of ourselves that we cannot change.

They shared last week that,

You know,

When I was younger,

I struggled a lot with anger.

And I would continually beat myself up about it and get angry at myself about it and feel guilty about it and shame.

And that never helped it get any better.

In fact,

It would make it worse.

When I would start to get angry,

I would immediately start judging it and then I would get even angrier.

And it's only through forgiving myself and having compassion with my experience and getting older and learning that it never really did any good that it's been feasible to work with softening around it.

And I still have moments when I get angry.

You know,

They're way less frequent than they were five years ago,

Ten years ago,

Or fifteen years ago,

And it's getting better over time.

And when it does come up,

It's also passing much quicker because I can recognize it and I realize that it's impermanent and whatever my reason for being angry probably isn't actually what's going on within my body.

But as I said,

It's not easy and it does take dedication and practice.

It takes being gentle with ourselves and understanding that ultimately the anger is usually coming from fear.

And when we can take the time to look beneath the anger and see what we're afraid of,

It makes it much easier to release and let go.

It's also important to understand that anger in our evolutionary biophysiological beings was an important defense mechanism.

If we were being chased by a tiger or going to battle,

It's natural to be afraid.

And fear,

Fear can cause us to freeze and to not act,

Or it can transform into anger,

Activating the sympathetic nervous system and allowing us to fight,

To face our opponent,

To survive.

And so anger in our physiological beings was historically a survival mechanism.

But normally,

In the context of day-to-day living nowadays,

Anger rarely serves to help us stay alive,

Even though it might be stemming from a similar basic fear of survival,

Because if we feel like we are not loved or if we're afraid that we're not loved or if we're afraid that we're in danger,

Then it's natural to have this anger arise.

And so it takes patience and practice to learn to override the sympathetic nervous system,

To realize that we are not in danger in this moment,

And to sit and look at what's happening within us.

To do this,

We need to cultivate endurance,

Patience.

The etymological definition is the calm enduring of suffering.

And so to create that space,

We have to broaden our tolerance for experiencing suffering in a calm fashion,

Not reacting.

And so for our meditation,

We're going to do a practice that we did once early on that some of you may have been in the class when I was talking about patience.

And it's a practice that's more strict in that if you are able,

I would prefer for this practice that you remain sitting.

If you need to lie down,

That's okay too.

And the practice is going to be one of not moving the physical body as much as we can to stay completely still.

And even if you're lying down,

You can still get the benefit of the practice because our tendency is to fidget.

When we meditate,

When we're trying to be still,

The body will naturally have these little desires to move.

It's a practice in broadening our tolerance for discomfort in the body,

Which ultimately will lend itself to being tolerant of the discomfort of anger and other strong emotions.

So now,

If you will,

Please find a comfortable seated position if you are able.

Take a moment to make sure that your knees are below your hips,

That your torso is rising with its natural curves up towards heaven.

During this practice,

If there are any sharp pains or nerve sensations or any sensation that you're aware of is potentially doing damage to your body,

Then of course it is okay to move.

But if it's just a general ache or discomfort or an itch,

Then really try to remain as still as possible while simply observing the sensation.

Once you have found your posture,

Gently close your eyes and begin to relax into the movement of the breath.

Simply observing the natural movement of the inhalation and exhalation.

Allow the breath to move of its own accord and try to stay really present,

Which with each moment.

If thoughts come in,

Gently set them aside.

Enjoy your focus back to the breath.

Now continue your breath.

As you bring your awareness into the felt sense of the body as a whole,

Allow the awareness to scan through the body,

Noticing areas of tension,

Discomfort,

Fullness,

Or emptiness,

Or relaxedness,

Comfort.

And whatever you observe as your awareness moves through the body,

Simply observe it,

Experience it as it is without trying to change it,

Without wanting to be different.

If you find any areas that are particularly calling your attention,

Move your awareness closer,

Become more interested in that area of your body.

You may ask yourself,

What is this that I'm feeling right now?

Not looking for a verbal response,

But an experiential one.

As you observe and experience the moment-to-moment sensations that are occurring in that area of your body,

They may start to shift.

Simply stay present with what is in each experiential moment.

As you observe,

You may start to experience the moment-to-moment sensations that are occurring in that area of your body.

Not seeing any form of discomfort,

There can be a tendency for the mind to push away,

To want to think about something else.

If you find that that occurs,

Just gently guide your awareness back to the experiential moment in the body.

You may start to experience the moment-to-moment sensations that are occurring in that area of your body.

Sometimes with this practice,

Stories will emerge from a given area of the body,

And maybe actual memories associated with the sensation.

If stories arise,

Acknowledge them,

And return to experiencing the pure sensation.

You may start to experience the moment-to-moment sensations that are occurring in that area of the body.

Start to become aware of the felt sense of the body as a whole.

Simply full of sensations,

Experiences,

They're all shifting moment-to-moment.

Become aware of the stability beneath you,

Supporting you and holding you up,

And the air around you,

Which are immersed and never separate from.

Allow the breath to become deeper,

And when you are ready,

Maintain your connection to the felt sense of the body as you gently and slowly begin to open your eyes and take in the world around you.

With this practice,

I generally start with shorter durations,

Because for many people it can be challenging to not move and to direct the awareness into the discomfort and experiences occurring within the body.

With practice,

We gradually build our tolerance for the discomfort,

And as we bring our awareness into such experiences,

They begin to change.

Ultimately,

We all have an entire universe of experiences occurring within our bodies every moment of every day.

It takes time and practice and dedication,

But as we tune into these experiences without judging them or wanting them to be different,

Without trying to change them,

We allow space for the complexity of being human,

And step by step,

We begin to move towards wholeness within ourselves.

We find the stillness that underlies all of the experiences of the body,

And as we ground in that stillness,

It becomes easier over time to experience something intense in the body,

And yet to still act and speak from the place of stillness within.

Thank you all for joining me today.