Holding Intense Emotions - Insight Timer Live

Welcome everyone to holding intense emotions.

And this is a topic that has a lot of nuance.

And I'm going to ask you for your patience today and your quality of subtle attention to what I'm sharing because you're all here listening to this whether live or on the recording because you struggle with holding intense feeling the intense sensations that come with emotions in the body when we feel a lot of them at once.

And there are a lot of reasons that we struggle with this culturally,

Because of a trauma history because of family beliefs and conditioning around feelings.

Because of physiological conditions,

There are so many reasons and much more than I've listed that we struggle with holding intense feeling.

So what I'm sharing today,

I hope that something will land for you and your particular situation with feeling.

And I really appreciate those of you in our shadow work group.

So our group on insight timer is called shadow work.

And many of you shared there when I asked what emotion is most difficult for you to hold in your body.

And then number two,

What are you most afraid is going to happen or not happen if you couldn't hold that feeling like you want to and I'm leaving what it means to hold emotion up to you to define for right now.

And many of you gave wonderfully thoughtful answers,

Including that anger is probably anger and grief seemed like they're the number one both occupy that number one position and the hardest emotions for us to hold in the body.

Some of you said love.

Some of you said anticipation or excitement.

And somebody said joy.

And I'm going to touch on all of those feelings today and more.

But I ask you right now as we arrive here together to close your eyes if that feels right for you.

And place your hands if you like on your body in a way that feels like you're coming home and nurturing yourself.

So I like to place hands on heart or kind of one one hand arms cradling my rib cage and one hand is on my heart.

That's like my new favorite way to hold on to myself.

So I asked you if this feels right for now.

To hold yourself.

Close your eyes if you like.

And ask yourself what brings me here today?

What is the emotion or emotions that I'd really like clarity about today?

What do I find most challenging to hold in my body?

Naming that for yourself.

And then also,

Noting now what am I afraid is going to happen if I held this emotion fully and its fullness in my body?

If I didn't hold back?

Or if I couldn't hold back?

What am I most afraid of what happened or not happen?

And also tuning into your body as you have these thoughts floating across your mind,

These explorations,

And know what are the body sensations that are coming up for you right now?

What does even thinking about feeling this feeling do in your body?

Do you notice tension,

Constriction?

Do you notice that there's bracing against it happening?

Perhaps that bracing is the fear itself,

The fear of this feeling.

So simply make note of that,

Those body sensations.

And returning your awareness to your holding of yourself here.

With so much love and acceptance of what's here.

You can take a deep breath,

And then open the eyes if they were closed and come on back.

Maybe shake it out a little bit if that feels good.

And if anybody wants to share any of that experience on the chat,

I would love to hear it.

So either what the feeling is that most challenges you to hold or what you're afraid of,

It's going to happen or not happen if you don't hold it as you as you would like to.

Or those body sensations that you notice that constitute perhaps that bracing against him.

So Utah says anger,

And she's afraid of exploding.

Yeah.

Perhaps afraid that you might hurt somebody in that explosion.

I imagine.

Lauren says thinking about holding my fear and anxiety made me physically hot and sweaty.

Yeah.

Donna says sadness and shame I might die anxiety panic starting to shut down.

Yeah,

Starting to go into a freeze.

It sounds like Yeah.

Naomi says tight stomach itchy red rash on throat.

Yeah.

Hope says you just same I've seen my dad suppress his anger and then explode and hurt others.

I'm afraid that I'll do the same.

Yeah.

Andrew says vigilance and fear something bad will happen.

Sarah says grief and afraid that my heart is going to stop.

Yeah.

Stephanie says the feeling for me is fear.

I'm afraid if I don't hold it,

I'll explode and die.

Yeah,

Really,

It says extreme grief and afraid to fully be with it wanting to run away.

And Meg says love came up.

There's a strong fear of being hurt or left.

I really didn't expect that I feel tears starting.

Yeah,

Nice.

Oh,

I feel that one to love.

So we can't let love in.

Absolutely.

Personally relatable.

Kate says fear I'll be abandoned if I feel my anger and sadness.

Yeah.

So fear of losing love fear you're going to be abandoned if you express your full emotions.

That's very common.

Yeah.

Carol says you have fear and afraid of not being able to continue of hurting yourself clenching and closing.

Yeah.

Well thank you so much for sharing all of that everyone.

And as it says afraid of joy and everything will come tumbling down in your life if you experience joy.

Yeah.

So I'm sitting with all of that in my heart.

I'm just feeling so much for all of you because what I'm feeling is grief for this human condition that we have.

And as I'm going to share in a minute,

It's particularly a human condition of the Western world.

That it's so scary to have life moving through us in its fullness.

Because that's what emotion is right.

Emotion is a lot of things I don't want to be reductionist about it.

Emotion can be our body's response to thought or belief.

Emotion can be a physiological state that then it can start in our body because of hormonal imbalance or I mean,

I'm not a medical practitioner,

Right?

But I know for me in my postpartum journey,

My hormonal imbalance also like bottom up it arose like my hormonal imbalance,

My body state created emotions as well for me.

I mean,

Emotions can come from a lot of different sources.

But one thing is,

Is certain is that there that's life force and some people say like emotion is energy in motion.

It's our life force moving through us.

However,

That looks in a moment.

And I want to share just briefly,

Some wisdom that I've learned from one of the teachers I've learned the most from Maladoma Somay,

An indigenous elder from the Dagra people of West Africa who passed last month.

And what I've learned from him the most absolutely valuable thing is a sense of clarity on the way that we live in the West now and by the West,

I mean,

The industrialized world.

If you're using a device to tune into this today,

This is probably how you live,

Right.

And one way that we live in the West is we live in isolation from each other.

And we have this belief,

Particularly in the United States,

That we have to be self sufficient in order to be socially successful.

Right?

We have to hold on to ourselves ourselves,

We have to figure things out,

We have to manage our life by ourselves.

And our greatest fear in the US is dependency.

Our greatest fear is actually needing each other.

And this is what I learned from Atul Gawande,

Who's one of the visionaries of the hospice movement wrote a number one New York Times bestseller called being mortal.

This is what he says is that in the US,

Our greatest fear is dependency.

What I've learned from Maladoma Somay about the indigenous practices that he's familiar with with emotion is that for the dagger of people and for many indigenous people,

Your feelings are not yours.

Your feelings are not only in your own separate isolated body.

If someone in the village is experiencing an emotion,

A distress,

That's considered to be indicative of a community dysfunction.

There's no such thing as just your emotion.

I know dogs are barking in the background.

So bear with me.

There's no such thing as the sadness just being yours.

There's no such thing as you holding an emotion by yourself.

If somebody is feeling distressed,

They're surrounded by their family,

By their community.

And the responsibility is felt by the community to repair and heal that distress.

And just think about how different that is from our approach to emotions in the West.

It's completely utterly different.

So think about how you grew up.

Chances are that you grew up that you were raised in a way and this is not to blame our parents because this is how they grew up right.

Chances are you were raised in a way where your feelings were not even acknowledged or they were punished.

And I'm talking about your inconvenient feelings here.

I'm talking about anger and sorrow.

I'm talking about you saying no,

I'm talking about you having opinions that differed from your parents or caregivers.

What happened when you felt that distress or that difference in your emotion from your caregivers?

Did your family take on the responsibility to look at the community,

The family group and see what was going on and talk about it and help you with it help you manage the feelings by like with you?

No,

Right.

This is not this is not how we grow up.

Chances are you were either punished for having big feelings,

You were sent to your room,

You were told to stop crying,

You were told stop crying,

Or I'll give you something to cry about.

And what this does is it teaches us from a very young age,

That we're alone with our feelings.

And because we're alone with our feelings,

Really,

We're alone,

We're alone in the world.

I believe that most of us have.

And I think actually all of us in the West,

Unless we grow up in a community setting that's very unusual.

I believe all of us have a deep,

Deep abandonment wound,

Because we evolved to live in community in loving supportive community where we are seen,

Heard,

Felt,

And known.

And our emotions that we experience happen in this context of a loving community that supports us that's known us from birth,

That knows what gifts we bring.

And for the dagger of people,

Your gifts,

Your life purpose is known before you're born.

And when you're born,

You're celebrated for that purpose.

And that purpose is curated and nurtured in you.

As you grow,

You're known you are felt by the community.

I believe this is how we evolved.

And that's why it feels so wrong.

And so extremely,

Excruciatingly difficult to sit by ourselves with our own feelings.

There's nothing wrong with you.

If you can't do it.

That's what I want to say.

There's nothing wrong with you.

If it's extremely challenging to hold your emotions,

Because we were never meant to do this by ourselves.

We were never meant to hold it inside.

Like for the dagger when somebody dies,

There's a grief ritual,

Where the women in the village start wailing.

Because somebody or something passes and changes,

Right?

The women in the village start the procession,

They start to wail.

And then everyone comes out of their houses and starts to join in the wailing.

Imagine if this happened on your street,

Or in your family group,

Right?

Somebody dies,

The wailing happens,

They go out into nature,

And they grieve.

And people shout what they lost to the sky to spirit,

They shouted out,

They cry it out.

And everyone is doing this together.

I believe this is how we're meant to feel big feelings.

And by the way,

For those of those of you who want to know more about Daghura tradition and Maladoma,

And his wife,

Subban Fu's work,

And both of them have passed at this point.

The healing wisdom of Africa is the book that really has the most information.

It's by Maladoma Somay,

And there's also of water and the spirit,

Which is his autobiography,

Extremely powerful,

And then his book ritual.

And when we when we go beyond the hour,

So those of you who know my lives know that I stay past the hour for a q&a.

So I'll be happy to give those titles again,

Later.

But this information has completely shifted how I think about feeling.

I used to be very couched in a Western psychology,

A union psychological perspective.

And I just,

That's not the only place I am anymore.

Because I've learned that it is.

It's absolutely important to work and we're going to be in a moment talking about how we you know,

As we are today in the West as we are alone and isolated how we can hold our emotions.

That's where we're going next.

But I know that now we have to see our mental health,

Systemically,

Culturally and in an embodied way and in an ancestral way,

Because we don't exist as a vat as a brain in a vat,

You know,

We're not isolated.

We exist in a web of life and in a web of ancestry and as part of the earth.

And I believe this is the way forward for mental health is seeing it in this contextualized way.

And also realizing that it's hard to feel our feelings by ourselves because we never evolved to.

So here we are right here we are in the Western world by ourselves.

Feeling our feelings and as a mom to a toddler,

I have a roller coaster of feelings every day that I hold.

And as someone who's gone through an excruciating postpartum experience with nightly anxiety attacks,

This is where I'm coming from to in personal experience.

So what do we do,

Given where we are now?

Well,

The funny thing about feeling is that most of us spend a tremendous amount of our energy trying to avoid it.

Because it's so hard to feel our feelings,

Right.

And as I said,

To feel them alone in particular.

So it's completely understandable that we avoid feeling that we avoid feeling pain,

Feeling hard emotion.

But I'm sure many of you are aware of the Buddhist wisdom that says pain,

Times resistance equals suffering.

And for the many people I've worked with,

I can say with certainty,

As well as for myself,

That my greatest suffering with my emotions doesn't actually come from feeling them fully.

It comes from my fear of them,

My resistance to them.

I remember when I was having my nightly anxiety attacks.

The entire day I would be terrified of the nighttime because that's when they would come.

And that was my greatest suffering was resistance to it.

Yeah.

The thing about emotion too,

Is that actually when we feel something,

So to speak,

And it's pure form,

Although that's,

That can be misleading.

But when we feel an emotion when we go into it,

We can only feel it for 90 seconds,

And emotion only last and this is something that I've read very widely.

So 90 seconds is the timeframe that we actually feel a feeling.

So if you feel sorrow,

And you're in it all the way,

That sorrow only stays exactly the same for about 90 seconds,

And then it shifts to something else.

And I'm not saying it goes away,

It just goes to something else,

It becomes something else.

Emotions are waves.

And one wave,

When felt fully lasts about 90 seconds.

And the vast,

Vast majority of our suffering with our feelings is in resisting that wave.

I like to use the when talking about resistance,

I like to use the analogy of like two bucks fighting each other like two male deer,

Right with the antlers.

That if you think about two bucks fighting each other,

It's like this is what happens when we resist.

And we resist our feelings,

Right?

It stays in a stalemate.

We stay in lockdown,

We stay in the self sabotage behaviors,

We stay in the addictions,

We stay in the state of free floating anxiety,

Nothing changes,

Right?

So it's this lockdown.

So what do we need to do to heal that lockdown?

We need to lovingly gradually over time,

Soften that resistance to feeling.

Brené Brown has a new book,

Did you all know that?

It's called Atlas of the Heart.

And something that she says in that book,

I have it right here.

It's huge.

It's like a it's like a reference book for emotion.

It's awesome.

And what she says about overwhelm is this.

And I'm talking about those deer again,

That overwhelm is the feeling that our nervous system can't handle what's going through our body right now.

Right?

And she says,

Overwhelm is this the research shows because you know,

She's a researcher.

And she's studied the work of countless other researchers about emotion.

And what she says is that the funny thing about overwhelm,

Because when we can't hold our feelings,

Right,

This is a state of over where we feel too much.

We're overwhelmed by them,

Right?

Overwhelm is really funny,

Because let me see if I can find that quote,

I have it bookmarked here.

So she says she's talking about overwhelm and describing it on the scale of one to 10.

And she says,

The book is Atlas of the Heart,

By the way.

So she says,

On a scale of one to 10,

When I'm overwhelmed,

I'm feeling my emotions at about a 10.

So the emotions I'm feeling all the way.

But I'm paying attention to them at about a five.

And I understand them at about a two.

So what she says that I found so eye opening about overwhelm is that it's the state of feeling our emotions really intensely.

So that means feeling the body sensations really intensely,

But we're not actually paying attention to them.

And we don't actually understand what's going on.

And so one thing Brene Brown says,

So if we think about that context of the two bucks fighting each other in resistance,

Right,

That's why overwhelm is so excruciating,

Is because you're feeling it all the way.

But we're also resisting the experience at the same time,

Because we don't,

We're not actually paying attention to our feelings in a mindful way,

Because we're scared of them,

Right?

And we don't understand them.

And so it stays in the stalemate of tremendous suffering.

Yeah,

Brene Brown is the author,

B R E N E.

And so it's like overwhelm is feeling our feelings,

But also being in resistance to it.

And Brene Brown says that the way to soften overwhelm to start to heal overwhelm is first to do absolutely nothing.

So she says like when she was working in a restaurant,

And she was just completely overwhelmed,

She would go into the kitchen,

She would she would say,

I'm blown.

And then everyone in the kitchen understood that the only way to recover from being blown was to go out in the back alley and do absolutely nothing and talk to absolutely nobody.

So to have that sense of spaciousness,

So that when we're overwhelmed,

We need space,

We need nothingness.

And then when we begin to be able to do so,

And this is now no longer Brene,

This is me talking.

But when we begin to feel safe enough and able to do so,

What will start to help us hold our feeling and heal that overwhelm is emotional mindfulness is to start to begin to turn towards and this is how we soften resistance to what is how we heal that stalemate.

We start to softly gradually turn towards the feelings and get curious about them.

And here's an example.

So if I'm with my toddler,

My two and a half year old,

And then she's doing something that is making me blow up,

Let's say it's been the end of a very long day of parenting.

And she just won't let me dress her.

And we need to get to an appointment.

Let's say that.

What helps me is this.

This is in line with what Brene Brown was teaching,

That I'm breathing in.

And I notice I'm tuning into the body sensations that are happening.

Okay,

Rapid heart rate.

I'm breathing into that heat,

I'm noticing I'm making note of the heat in my belly.

And because I'm turning towards and getting curious about the feelings and naming them in my mind while I'm you know,

Having this interaction with my toddler in real time.

It's not comfortable by a long shot,

But I don't blow up at her.

And that's the difference.

I'm not overwhelmed to the point of discharging it on to her.

Because that's what happens when we blow up when it becomes too much and we discharge it particularly with anger.

That's what happens.

So emotional mindfulness name noticing and naming the body sensations that are coming up for you.

And I know,

Believe me that as someone who's had any anxiety attacks,

Sometimes this is laughable,

Right?

Sometimes it's even too much to be able to do that.

And so I want to give you all tools,

A few tools that I've learned some embodied practices to help you regulate calm the nervous system.

Those are not synonymous,

By the way,

Regulation does not always mean calm.

But in this sense,

It means to get back to center through some practices we can do in our body.

So that we have enough of our brain available to us to access some of these healing techniques such as somatic mindfulness or body based mindfulness,

Those naming the body sensations that will help us hold what's moving through us.

Because,

Yes,

So the the way the way to heal emotion to like say,

Let's say you're feeling grief,

And you're terrified of the grief,

The way out is always through.

But from a trauma informed perspective,

And from a neuroscience based perspective,

That's only possible and trauma informed.

If we feel safe enough in the body first.

So we need to get our nervous system to a point where we do feel grounded safe in our bodies enough to feel what we need to feel just a little bit at a time.

It's not about healing feeling through feeling at all at once,

Right?

We know that is not trauma informed or effective.

Yeah,

So how do we develop safety within ourselves with our own body so that we do have the capacity to pay attention to our body sensations to access those kind of quote unquote,

Higher order techniques that will actually help us move through those experiences to hold those emotions and then eventually allow them to move through us just as a wave would move through because that is,

To my mind,

What we're going for is to be able to be open to be an open channel to the energy that is moving through you,

Right?

That is my goal for myself is I want to be an open channel so that things don't get stuck in me so that I can continue to expand and grow and thus grow my capacity to move those waves through that need to move through to help me expand and grow.

Yeah,

That's why I'm here.

Because I want to show up for it all.

Like I'm here to be human and show up for the full spectrum of human experience,

Right?

I'm here to open to the most love and to give the most love possible.

And to do that I need to be open to everything because we when we open our hearts or we close our hearts,

It's to everything.

You can't selectively close your heart or open your heart.

But to have an open heart and to be able to be that open channel.

We do have to develop safety safe enough within ourselves,

Bit by bit,

Gradually over time.

This is not a magic pill at all.

All right.

So here's the first technique that I want to teach you.

And these,

These first techniques that I'm going to be showing you I learned through an amazing organization called the awakening Women Institute,

Which is a trauma informed intersectional divine feminine school that I'm a student of.

So it's humming.

The first technique we're going to be doing is humming and you might be scratching your head like,

Huh?

Here's why humming is amazing.

I'm sure many of you have heard of the vagus nerve,

Right?

The vagus nerve is the physical nerve collection of nerves in our body.

That is 80% of our parasympathetic nervous system,

Our parasympathetic nervous system is the brakes of our autonomic nervous system.

It calms us down most of the time when on overdrive,

It can go into freeze,

Just dissociation.

But what we're learning about parasympathetic now is how to engage it through extended exhales.

So if we look at many indigenous traditions,

Human traditions across time,

And countries,

You see singing,

Dancing,

Drumming,

Some form of that,

Right?

Universally.

These are the most advanced technologies that humans have for nervous system regulation.

And think about how we don't do that in much of Western culture,

Right?

This is not part of our everyday community life.

But these technologies,

These ways of applying knowledge,

In other words,

Are immeasurably powerful.

And one way one technology that we can use to access to bring online the vagus nerve to help ourselves come down and feel more calm and clarity is humming because humming extends our exhales.

So I'm going to guide you through a practice of humming where we're going to be inhaling for about 512345 and then going for as long as your exhale naturally lasts.

And I hate to speak in terms of goals because I want you to do what's comfortable for your body but about 10 about a count of 10.

So we're going for the inhale about being a count of five and the exhale either what's natural for you or about a count of 10 or beyond,

Right?

We're going to do this.

I'm just going to lead the first one.

And we're going to just continue it.

That's the invitation anyway,

Continue it as long as you like.

And then I'll cue you when we're going to be coming back.

And I do this often in my morning practice,

Especially when let's say my toddler has woken up.

And I feel really dysregulated just really like I can't think straight,

I can feel that because I have a fight or flight response going on in my body,

I'm not able to access my thinking,

You know,

My prefrontal cortex.

So that means I'm not able to think of new possibilities.

That means I'm not able to,

You know,

Think of how to help myself or how to respond to it.

So when I do this humming practice,

I notice in myself,

This calm clarity and kind of coming back to center almost immediately afterwards.

Okay,

So let's try this together.

So I'm just going to guide you through the first one and we're going to have a slight pause between the top of the inhale and the exhale and then a slight pause at the bottom of the exhale before you begin the next one.

So okay,

I'll just start the first one just continue as feels right for you and see just pay attention to what happens in your body.

About count of five inhale.

Continue.

If you notice any spontaneous movement or rocking happening in your body,

The invitation is to go with it as you continue to hum.

Continue,

You may notice that it feels better to open your eyes and look around your space or maybe to close them.

Whatever feels right as you continue for just a couple more cycles.

And one more cycle.

So as you come back,

Notice if you feel anything different in body sensation or the quality of your awareness.

Notice if it's even just 2% different.

That tells you that maybe if you did more,

A more extended practice,

You get even more benefit even more clarity.

Carol says a bit more grounded.

That's great.

So what I'm showing you is kind of like a menu or a buffet.

Because our emotional experience is so individual,

I just want you to take what feels right for you.

This isn't a prescription for everyone.

Bala says relaxing the pelvic floor.

That's beautiful.

Relaxing the pelvic floor is extremely powerful for grounding and for and for nervous system regulation.

So Amalie is more peaceful.

Lauren says I feel like I can't breathe kind of panicky like I can't catch my breath.

Okay,

Lauren,

So that tells me that this is not the right practice for you and anything that kind of has a hold of the breath.

If you have a history of anxiety or panic,

It might not be the best for you.

Because that holding the breath can be triggering so you can scrap that one at least for now.

Yeah.

All right.

So let's try another one again on the menu of what might work for you in certain circumstances.

Let's try.

So in the vein of we're not really meant to hold our feelings by ourselves.

We're meant to hold them with community and in the wider web of belonging to the earth and each other.

Right.

I want to teach you a really powerful technique again,

Also from the awakening Women Institute with anger.

So if you feel really triggered by anger,

You might just want to watch or listen to this for now or you might want to participate with me.

So it does include an invitation to stand if that is accessible and right for your body at this time or you can do it sitting down.

And I'll demonstrate both ways.

So this is I'm going to stand up.

This is something you can do and that I do when I'm feeling rage,

Like at the end of a long day for parenting for me or if something is happening in the world.

Any of that going on for anybody,

Something is happening in the world that you feel enraged about this is a way to not hold it by yourself.

But to let the earth hold it with you because what we tend to do with anger is we tend to like and this is if we have a practice with anger in the first place,

We tend to like go and yell or scream or hit something and all of that has a place and can be very therapeutic.

And also,

It's a superficial release of it.

Whereas the potency of anger is actually there's a power there,

That if we recycle it and move it down instead of out in a discharge,

It can be incredibly grounding and empowering.

And this is what this practice is about.

So let's say I'm really angry.

And I don't know what to do with all this rage.

And this is what I would do.

Let me show you.

So you can either sit down and have your feet on the floor and press your feet and legs into the floor for this or if you can stand up right now and want to practice with me go ahead and stand up and get into kind of a semi wide legged.

I don't know if you can't really see my feet,

But semi wide legged stance,

And then we're going to bend our knees.

I hope you can all hear me okay.

I know my mic is further away.

So I'm going to bend my knees and get into this like wide legged chair pose.

And I'm really going to just start bending my knees and feeling my feet on the floor on the ground feeling the weight of my feet there and feeling the strength of my legs.

And I'm pressing I'm just like massaging my thighs with my hands here.

Like like a firm what feels right for me is like a firm massage where I'm really like,

It's helping me root down and if you're in a chair,

You're pressing your feet into the ground and doing whatever makes sense in your legs to feel that connection and you can massage your thighs from the chair.

And so really as much as you can,

You're going to feel the fire in your thighs here and you're going to notice that your energy is going down into the earth.

Yeah,

Carol,

So I'm kind of rocking my weight and back and forth between heels and toes.

I'm not I have it's,

You know,

Spread across my feet,

But I'm just bending my knees and I kind of look like this from the side.

I'm sticking my butt out as I bend my knees and that really helps me feel grounded and like my weight is going down into the earth because what we're doing is we're set we're going to be sending this fire down to be held by the earth.

Knowing that we tend to think of anger as toxic,

Especially if you're raised as a female.

We tend to want to get rid of it,

But anger is just self protection.

It's your body's your physiology's response to a threat or perceived threat.

And nature does not think of anger as toxic.

This is a natural process.

So don't feel guilty about sending your anger down to the earth.

She can hold it.

Or if you do feel guilty,

Just hold that and love and know that it's not hurting her.

It's not hurting anyone,

Right?

It's as natural as leaves falling from trees.

So I'm continuing to just massage myself and you may need to take a break and straighten your legs.

And that's completely fine.

What I'm going to start to do is I'm going to start to cultivate the anger.

And again,

This may or may not be right for you if this is really triggering,

But I'm going to start to feel the heat,

Sending it down the earth.

And then I'm going to start to growl a low growl,

Not a discharge of a yell or scream,

But it'll sound something like this.

I like to open my mouth.

Just do what feels right for you.

Just continue to send that low growl down into the earth.

And you might feel called to kind of walk around the room in this dance,

But see what happens if you send it down,

Send it down to be held by the earth.

And then even visualize it circulating back up to you but transformed,

Not to get rid of it,

But just to know that it's been filtered by the earth coming back up and it goes back down.

You're not holding this by yourself.

In other words,

There's a there's a huge energy that is holding the anger with you and helping you to transform it.

So just take a few more breaths with that if you're practicing this.

And then we're going to do some shaking.

If you're sitting in a chair,

You can totally do this in a chair just shaking your upper body.

Especially if that brought up a lot for you.

Let's let's shake this out.

And shaking is also in its own right in its own totally separate practice a great way to increase capacity to feel and to just move the waves through us instead of getting stuck there and stuck in that resistance to that to them.

Okay,

So here's how I'm going to do shaking.

I'm going to again stand or sit with my feet hip width or a little bit further apart.

And I'm going to start by doing this with my feet just shifting the weight back from side to side with my knees slightly bent.

And this is how I personally like to start shaking is with this kind of side to side and my knees are really bent.

And I just start to like start to push my weight off of the earth to begin the shaking process and this there's no right way to shake.

You just let your body shake and it's with practice this feels more like a release and a letting go and a relaxing into the shake then like trying to make different body parts shake if that makes any sense.

So here's what at least my shaking at this time looks like and if you like you can shake in your own way.

So I'm letting my limbs get into it.

Jude Yes,

This is a third technique.

Yeah,

And you can use these together or separately.

They can I use them completely separately or together.

Yeah.

Shaking.

If you want to add some stomping,

This is also a very good way to move,

Move feeling move energy down.

Feel free to continue to shake as much as feels right.

If I were to do this in a chair,

I would be doing this,

Shaking my head,

Arms,

Shoulders.

All right.

So we're going to come to the last technique now,

Which can be totally standalone or as the conclusion of this little series we did today.

I'm going to place my hands on my heart space or wherever you identify as your center.

If it's accessible and feels good for you,

You can also do this lying flat on the floor with your knees bent and your feet on the ground.

I find lying on the floor to be extremely grounding and that's,

That's the position I would take when I was having my anxiety attacks is the only thing I could do.

Not that it made it go away,

But it made it feel more held and contained.

So I would lie on the floor,

Like not no pillow,

Just flat on the hard floor,

Or yoga mat with my knees bent and my feet on the floor and I would just hold my heart and I would let whatever moves through me,

You know,

Move through me.

So you can do this lying on the floor with knees bent or in a chair.

And if you're lying on the floor,

Really feel your bones supported by the floor.

There's something for me about feeling my bones supported by the earth.

It's extremely therapeutic if I'm feeling like I can't hold what's moving through me.

So wherever you are with your body,

Lying down or seated,

Just go ahead and close the eyes or keep them open,

Whatever feels right and notice the sensations that are moving through your body right now,

Just name them in your mind.

And those of us,

I was gonna say in the West,

I think it's everybody,

Especially if you're,

If you're here,

If you're somebody on a healing path.

I think we all judge ourselves,

Right for being where we are.

We all want to be further whatever that means on our healing journey.

And so this technique is all about accepting exactly what's here with the energy of Yes.

Not yes,

Because you want it to continue indefinitely.

But yes,

Because yes,

Heat in the chest.

Yes,

This is what is happening right now.

Yes,

Rage coursing through belly.

This is what's happening right now.

We're bringing this energy of acknowledgement and yes to whatever you're noticing.

And sometimes we're not in a physiological state where this is possible.

And just assess for yourself if that's true for you or not.

There's a lot of nuance in the language of safety,

As far as emotional healing goes and trauma informed care because we want to feel safe with ourselves.

And at the same time,

We cannot grow without discomfort.

So I've worked with a lot of people who tend to conflate discomfort with unsafety.

And this is something you're going to have to sift through for yourself.

I can't tell you where that line is.

But if you're feeling discomfort,

Is it actually a feeling that you are not safe?

Or is it a feeling that you don't want to feel uncomfortable?

Because the way to heal our emotional self is actually to grow capacity and trust with ourselves and safety within to feel greater levels of discomfort.

That's just the reality.

So it's a wonderful thing that safety has gotten is a term that's more and more unpopular understanding.

But again,

I see it conflated a lot with people think that I feel safe if I'm comfortable,

But that's not true.

Necessarily.

You can feel safe with yourself and excruciatingly uncomfortable at the same time.

It's about how you're relating to your experience.

How do you feel about your feelings?

I have a podcast episode called becoming safe with yourself.

And it's about this that are we safe with ourselves?

Can we hold an accepting non judgmental state toward what's arising in our experience no matter what?

I do want to make space if if you're actually feeling unsafe,

Meaning you're having a physiological response of anxiety,

Panic,

PTSD response,

That's,

That's what I would call actual unsafety is if your body is in a physiological state of believing that you're going to die with the rapid heart rate,

The heat,

The non unable to breathe and whatever else might come with that for you.

That's when we're not that's when we're physiologically unsafe.

Can you breathe just one more breath here?

Can you breathe with yourself and say yes.

There's another podcast episode called the magic yes that is on insight timer by the way that's all about this this energy of Yes.

Because that is the opposite of resistance.

And remember,

We talked earlier today about how resistance is the source of our suffering.

90% of our suffering is because we're resisting feeling what's uncomfortable.

Yeah.

All right,

Thank you all so much.

I'm going to answer some questions for a few minutes and provide any support if anything came up for you today that you're having trouble holding.

Remember,

We're not meant to hold it alone.

So please do ask.

And you can also go to our group on insight timer called shadow work.

The shadow work group is my group and it's where we connect between lives and it's actually the source of this topic today was a request on the group.

So that group is a great place to make requests for future lives.

And thank you all for your donations to so much.

So much.

So Nicole,

This is a great question.

I have trouble holding charge.

I don't blow up I merge.

My container is not strong enough.

How do I strengthen my container and grow my capacity?

Yeah.

That's such a good question.

Nicole.

So boundaries,

Right?

You strengthen your container by practicing small boundaries on a daily basis.

I'm not talking about having like the difficult,

Difficult conversation right now because we need to grow capacity to have that.

Now my I teach a whole lot about boundaries on insight timer and outside of insight timer.

So I could say a lot about this.

But my definition of boundary is expressing our authentic feelings,

Needs and desires while letting go of the outcome.

So my question to you is,

I wonder in what very small,

Very unthreatening way can you practice expressing your authentic feelings,

Needs desires with someone in your life that you might otherwise merge with?

Does that make sense?

Nicole?

Yeah,

There are all kinds of ways that we were there all kinds of places we go where when we can't hold charge,

Right?

We merge,

We dissociate,

Meaning we leave our awareness leave the body.

We have addictions and other self sabotage behaviors.

We pick up our phone.

We distract ourselves otherwise we people please right.

These are all kinds of ways that we resist holding the feelings that really need to move through us.

Yeah.

All right,

Let me look up some other questions here.

Okay,

Kate says I was called away for the second skill.

Can you just name it in a few words?

The second technique that we did was,

Let's see the first one was humming and the second one was dropping anger down to cycle it into the earth.

So I would say you can listen to it on the recording.

But if anyone is willing to type it out in a few words,

That would be great.

For those who had to miss that part.

I know there were a few different parts to it.

So it might be hard to type up.

Right.

So I did.

Could you ask what do you want me to repeat exactly?

Okay,

Carol says I'm remembering a traumatizing experience after this last experience.

How do I not get stuck in a loop of thinking about this without dissociating?

Okay,

Carol.

So the the key is to stay in your body as much as you can.

First of all,

To know that it's okay to dissociate if we need to dissociate.

It's our body's brilliant response to keep us safe,

Right.

But if you would like to not dissociate,

Take a breath,

I would say walk out in nature if you can walk out in nature.

Hum do the humming practice.

So inhaling for five approximately and then exhaling for approximately 10 doing that 10 times or more cycles of that.

Excuse me.

Getting out in nature.

I really like palpation to like just taking my hands and placing them on my body with this firm and loving touch to remind me of the perimeter of my body that I'm here including the back body make sure to really lovingly pat and hold your body can be a way to come back.

Let me know if that helps or not Carol.

Let's see.

Boundaries definition.

Okay.

So my definition of boundary and by the way,

If you want to know what I do outside of insight timer,

Just go to Catherine leagut.

Com which is on my teacher profile and just go to about and that's the website there.

My boundaries definition is expressing your authentic feelings,

Needs or desires while letting go of the outcome.

For example,

Me telling my husband,

You know,

Let's say if he accidentally woke me up,

And I really,

Really needed to sleep in.

I would tell him this is a real conversation we had.

You know,

I felt I felt really frustrated when I heard the creaking on the floor that woke me up because I really needed to sleep today and would you be willing to next time?

Just walk around the other way so the floor doesn't creak in front of my door.

Nonviolent communication,

By the way,

Is what that was.

So a great a great technique to set boundaries is nonviolent communication and VC and you can Google that it's an extremely well known well practiced technique for boundary setting.

Yeah,

Florida,

I need to follow your discussions on boundaries.

You lost a family member husband started yelling his emotions affect you.

Of course they do.

Yeah,

And you don't you say his expression is hard for you to hold.

Of course.

Of course,

You're whole you're doing the emotional labor for the whole family,

Right?

And that's not your job.

So absolutely express that express that boundary to him just to say,

You know,

When you when you yell,

I feel scared or I feel hurt because or I feel blah,

Because I need peace or whatever you need.

Would you be willing to go out to the car?

Would you be willing to go and take a break and do your yelling?

Not in front of me?

Or,

You know,

Go drive in the car somewhere and yell or something like that.

Just an example.

So Sarah says anything for not getting triggered by people's anger?

Yeah.

So Sarah,

Anytime you want to work through a trigger,

I highly recommend a lot of my insight timer guided meditations.

So to work through triggers,

So the one that's most listened to is called Shadow Work for Inner Child Healing.

And that will help you journey from a present day triggering situation back to where that started in your childhood and help you lovingly witness and heal that part of yourself that's still vulnerable and still needing to be seen and heard.

And when we when we do that within ourselves,

We tend to soften to triggers.

That's,

That's what I'm most known for is Shadow Work and my method of Shadow Work is called Empathic Witnessing.

So most of my insight timer material will guide you through processes like that.

Yeah,

So Sarah,

I hope that that that will help you.

But also Sarah,

If you're around people who are angry a lot,

And if you're feeling the responsibility to make it okay,

And then that's a problem,

Because adults have to be responsible for our emotions and our behaviors,

Right?

So if you're getting hurt by their anger,

You need to express that to them through a boundary,

Right,

Just like I gave examples of,

I know that's terrifying.

But you need to express it to them.

And if they say something like,

And I've had people tell me this before,

If they say something to you,

Like,

Well,

Then I wouldn't be myself,

If I didn't express my real feelings,

Then it's time for you to hit the road to be completely frank,

Because that means that person doesn't have your needs at heart doesn't care about you feeling safe.

And that's a huge issue.

That's what I would say.

So for you or anybody else who might resonate with that,

That's very important.

Like a lot.

A lot of the times,

Especially for those of us socialize as females,

We're actually holding way too much.

We're holding we're doing a way more emotional labor than is actual actually our responsibility to do.

So that's why boundaries are that's why my passion is teaching about boundaries.

Because that's actually what we need for this world to heal is we need women and other vulnerable and marginalized people to be able to have their anger,

To be able to have boundaries and have a voice and thus change the world.

Right.

All right,

I think that's a good note to end on.

Go change the world by your authentic expression of your feelings,

Needs and desires.