Anger And Calming Our Fight Response Part 3

Today we're going to work with when I'm starting to feel like I'm in a fight response.

One of the first things that we would do is to acknowledge that being angry,

Expressing anger,

Allowing ourselves to feel angry,

Can be quite a big deal.

It's not something that many of us are that comfortable with.

Anger and fight response are often so together in our minds that we associate anger with a fight response.

Fight response is by definition a survival response.

We feel like there's a threat and we have to save ourselves.

It's survival.

It's when we feel out of control.

So that's different from if we're angry about something and we have our wits about us,

So to speak.

We know that we're angry,

We know that we care about the person perhaps that we're angry with,

And that we have our higher level mind,

Our prefrontal cortex,

All that stuff is available to us.

That's one of the big differences is between being in a fight response,

We've kind of lost it.

Being angry is something we often can't really feel,

Especially good girls aren't supposed to be angry,

Good boys aren't supposed to cry,

There's a lot of gender role conditioning with this as well.

And we have the experience that when somebody is in a fight response,

We often are quite alarmed by that,

Because a lot of harm happens.

And it might not be intentional,

It might just be somebody is having trouble regulating.

When you're in a survival response,

You might not be thinking about how is this landing for this other person.

And bring your attention right into this moment in time.

Notice what are your impressions as you're looking around.

Do you feel like it's pretty safe to be here?

Are you a little concerned?

And notice that you're in this moment,

You're not in a time when somebody else was yelling at you,

You're not in a time when you were in a fight response.

Although we will be stirring things up a little bit by working with these somatic inquiries.

One of the important things when we're doing this is that we need to be able to be aware that right now in this present moment,

Our body is safe.

If you were in a fight response,

You would want to bring yourself back into regulation and then keep coming back into regulation.

When we think about being really angry or somebody else,

Or going into a fight response,

We often get dysregulated,

Which really just means our nervous system has detected a threat.

And we've gone into a survival strategy or mode or protection to help save ourselves.

But this is a kind of a primitive part of our system.

It's very necessary.

That's how we keep ourselves alive.

If we walk down the street and we notice there's something going on,

We're alert to that.

We hear a certain tone of voice that's concerning,

Or a really lovely warm voice.

I feel so much better now.

These are common patterns that all human beings have.

We all are familiar with the fight-flight-freeze response.

This is generated by our nervous system.

Our nervous system has a negativity bias,

And it's not always correct.

It brings a lot of evidence from the past.

What we want to do is clear out the past enough that we can recognize,

Okay,

Right now,

Part of the reason I'm really angry is because this is my history with this person.

Every single time we decide to meet at a restaurant,

They're half an hour,

45 minutes late,

And I'm angry.

I feel disrespected.

So we have history that we bring in,

And we also have patterns that we've used in the past.

A lot of people go into a freeze response,

Just don't feel it.

Better not to feel it,

Because what are we going to do with it?

Recognize all that stuff's going on.

So one of the things that's always helpful is to do some breathing.

Let ourselves signal to our body that it's safe enough to breathe.

We could even make some noise.

Are your shoulders up on an inhale?

Release.

Move your body around a bit.

The one really important principle here is that we always have to be aware that right now,

In this moment,

We're doing a practice,

A somatic inquiry,

And that we're not actually in any danger.

This particular look,

Noticing what's my history with anger,

But what's recent?

What's my history with a fight response,

And am I pretty clear on the difference between those?

Sometimes we have a lot of history with,

I'm angry at injustice.

I remember being a child,

And my mother would say,

Whoever told you life would be fair?

Like,

Well,

It should be fair.

There's a lot of systemic pressures.

We don't have a real good way to work with that individually.

We can get together with people and fight for justice,

But even that is a fight.

Work for justice might be another one.

Take a moment here to notice,

What am I angry about right now?

What would come to mind?

It's a particular situation.

It's a person.

It's a circumstance.

Like every time I get behind somebody who's driving really slow,

I get mad.

Why can't they hurry up?

What's the matter with them?

We have a lot of chatter going on in our minds.

What's something that would stir you up a bit?

And then let all of your senses be engaged.

Visual.

You might have an image of a person or a situation.

Anything that gets you mad.

There might be sounds,

A tone of voice,

Or yelling,

Or maybe you're yelling.

What we're trying to do here is notice,

What's the tipping point between being angry and feeling our anger?

We could be going into a freeze,

A flight,

Or we could be going into a fight response.

As you're looking at this situation and bringing this to mind,

Remain aware of your breath.

You might use touch,

Hold your hands,

Or tap on your knees or something.

We look around the room.

We want to go into it enough that we get an activation,

But we don't want to be losing our cool either.

If there's something that's really intense,

Then we're probably going to want to lower the intensity a bit.

One of the tools that we often use is that we put an image on the wall on the other side of the room.

So notice what the image is.

Somebody's face,

Or a dollar sign,

Or whatever it is.

Then we put a frame around that image,

And then we notice there's space around the outside of that image.

We take our eyes around the empty space a couple times in one direction,

A couple times in another direction.

So you might not have to do that.

If you're able to stay present and aware,

I'm looking at the situation,

I'm looking at this image,

Or maybe it's more of a feeling,

Maybe it's more words.

As we're bringing this up,

Now we'll really turn towards the sensations and the energy of that in our body.

Notice second by second almost.

What happens when I first bring it to mind?

Yeah,

That makes me angry.

That's not fair.

Something's wrong about that.

What do we do then?

One of the things that we might do is notice how do we feel that in our body.

As we're feeling that in our body,

There's certain sensations.

There's often a temperature change if we're angry,

And it's interesting we have language to use.

We have cold,

Implacable anger,

Giving someone a silent treatment,

And then we have a more heated exchange.

Which direction are you going in there?

You notice that you start to get distracted.

Maybe your mind goes somewhere else.

You might have some dialogue in there about,

Well,

What's the point in getting angry?

If we're using the example of someone's always late,

That's just who they are.

You know,

I don't have to get together with them if I don't want to,

So it's much my fault as theirs,

And what's the point?

I've yelled at them before and it hasn't really helped.

We might have a lot of minimizing or explaining going on.

And then what happens in our body?

Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations.

Sometimes we just have different expectations.

I like to be on time,

We're pretty close to it,

And I try to leave enough time so that I'm not stressed.

And if I am around somebody who's consistently late,

I felt very disrespected.

Like,

What's the matter with them?

They think they're so important,

And I'm not important at all.

So that activates feelings of powerlessness.

They don't care about me.

They don't consider me.

Could be all kinds of things going on.

So notice what's happening in your mind,

Your thought stream.

What are your thoughts about this?

How are you explaining this to yourself?

And notice the sensations.

I have a little bit more energy in my chest area right now.

Notice what's happening in your body.

If we're in a freeze response,

One of the ways we protect ourselves is we get numb.

We don't actually feel the full effect of what's going on because we've tuned it out.

Maybe we're distracting ourselves with something,

Or maybe we're just not even noticing because we've really checked out.

Dissociation is a really common response to trauma.

And it's also a response when we feel like,

Well,

There's nothing I can do about it anyway.

So what's the point in being angry?

And that's very common,

Especially when there's these larger things that are going on,

Political things and worldwide things.

It's true that it's not helpful for us to be in a constant state of anger about something.

We also have a life to live and it costs us something to ignore how we're feeling or to check out or to numb out.

So notice if that's part of what's going on.

Are you feeling a little bit numb or frozen?

And if so,

How has that been helpful for you?

So one of the things that freeze does is that it prevents other people from feeling the full force of our anger.

And so we tend to get along better.

We're no trouble to anybody if we're just in a numb,

Dull,

Unaware state.

Maybe we've had a lot of history.

Whenever I express anger,

I'm told to shut up and not feel that way.

Very common conditioning,

Especially for girls.

Most people are not really encouraged to express anger.

It's not convenient for other people.

What's your experience with that?

We have so much commonality around this.

We start to really look into why is it that I get really mad when I'm in my car and someone is driving slower than me.

Some of it is a sense of self-importance.

They're not considering me.

But why would they?

A lot of people just drive the speed that they want to drive.

And I think people should drive the speed limit.

So there's a difference in perspective or in the way we approach things.

I feel like people are more cooperative with each other when we try to follow the same rules,

Go the speed limit.

But if someone is literally not feeling safe doing that,

Or maybe their mind is on something else,

Or they're just enjoying the view,

It's not up to me to make that decision for somebody.

What I can always work with is what's happening inside of me when that's going on.

Notice where you're at now,

What's going through your mind,

What examples have come up.

Notice if you're feeling like,

I know that when this starts to happen,

When it happens over and over especially,

If we use the example of the person that we're meeting at a restaurant and they're always late,

We've probably tried a number of things.

We've probably said,

You know,

If we're going to meet at seven,

Could we meet at seven?

I don't like to just kind of sit around and wait.

We might have had more inquiry ourselves.

I feel really disrespected when someone doesn't honor my time.

What am I going to do?

We might have some strategies for that.

We could talk to them.

We could manage our own feelings around it.

Sometimes we get into a situation where we go into a rage response or a fight response.

Road rage,

Cycling between these two examples,

Is very common.

And often people who are pretty even-tempered the rest of the time get in a fight response in a vehicle.

So maybe that's something you have history with,

Either you or someone else that you're in a vehicle with.

Certainly we've all seen it from other drivers.

What is it that tips us over from,

I'm angry about this,

To I'm losing my cool,

I'm going to blow?

Look into your own personal history with this.

Does it usually happen with the same person?

Do I never lose my cool with some people?

Most people don't scream at their boss as easily as they might scream at somebody else.

There's a power shift here.

What's it going to cost me?

Sometimes people will say,

Well,

I feel safe enough to really let go of that person around.

I think that's a bit sketchy thinking,

But it might be,

I feel safe enough,

I feel like they're not going to really punish me if I do.

And so I can let off some steam.

Or it might be a person who's being disrespectful to us,

Or we feel like they deserve it.

I'm not too worried about that,

I'm just going to release,

Let that go.

What's coming up for you?

And again,

If something is really intense,

You might want to tap on your forehead,

Take your attention away from it,

Put it on the wall,

Put a frame around it,

Take your eyes around the empty space outside the frame.

But otherwise,

Just to stay with it.

In these inquiries,

We're always trying to stir things up a bit to see what is it that's underneath the surface?

What is it that's causing me to go into a fight,

Flight,

Freeze,

Fawn?

What am I telling myself?

What are my behavioral controls?

Is it okay for me to be angry?

Is it okay for me to go into a fight response?

So what is under our control is to work with it.

We understand our nervous system more,

And then we start to see,

You know,

I'm really getting that when this happens,

It really does make me mad.

So what am I going to do with that?

If I bottle it up and bottle it up,

Or if I numb it out,

That's a big issue for people.

It's not the healthiest way to do it.

So notice,

Are you shaming yourself for any of your responses?

Are you noticing things?

What's going on as you're doing this?

And are you focused on the present moment or how much history is coming in with this?

Catastrophic thinking plays a role here.

So if you're stirred up about something that's going on politically,

For instance,

And then you start going into,

Well,

You know,

When that happened before it got worse,

And this happened,

And this happened.

So our mind can get into a lot of intensity around what we're thinking might happen.

And that increases the level of threat,

Which then increases the likelihood we're going to go into one of those responses.

Can I approach it fresh each time?

Well,

Not really,

Because we always bring in the history.

But could I be regulated enough to notice,

I'm having this pretty extreme response to this driver in front of me who's slow.

What's going on there?

How could I work with that?

Because it causes us a lot of suffering.

It might cause other people suffering too.

It really causes us suffering when we are not able to stay present,

Stay kind.

We're not allowing ourselves to feel our anger,

For instance.

Or maybe we're too ashamed of how we feel,

Or we're too afraid.

If I actually allowed myself to feel as angry as I feel,

Sometimes we just have such a rage.

And so how are we going to live with that?

One of the things is to go into action,

Get together with other people,

Take action,

Have a conversation with that friend.

I do a lot of work with my breathing when I'm on the road,

If someone's slower ahead of me.

And I just remind myself,

I'm not the only important person here.

It's not up to me what someone else is doing in their car.

If they're going fast,

Then it's more of a threat to me.

I'm going to have more of a concern there.

If someone's just taking their time,

I could practice patience.

And then I arrive where I'm going,

Feeling pretty good,

Instead of being in a stew.

So notice if you're shaming yourself,

Or how it is that you're responding to this.

We are all human beings,

And it's hard to get along with people to some extent.

It's hard to accommodate other people's needs.

A lot of times we are in situations where we don't have any choice.

We just have to accommodate the other people that we live with,

Or that we work with,

Or in families.

And there is real injustice in the world.

It's very appropriate to be angry.

Often that's the case too with partners or people that we live with.

Notice what came up for you.

Notice the kinds of examples that came in.

It takes a lot of energy to be around other people.

Especially if there's some feeling of threat there,

But even if there's not,

It just takes a lot of energy to accommodate and be around other people.

There's some wonderful things about that too,

But it takes energy.

So if you have a history of blowing up,

And you're noticing that creates a lot of problems,

People who tend to go into a fight response tend to have a lot more relationship issues to work with.

Partly because the people around you might also go into a fight response,

But they also might be scared of you.

And it's hard for people who go into a freeze or flight to be present and engaged in a relationship with someone who's in a fight response.

There's a real loss in terms of intimacy and authenticity.

Maybe that's something that you're interested in working with.

One of the things that happens as we start to get more regulated,

We're not in the survival responses all the time,

Is that we have capacity for compassion and kindness.

Also,

We have the ability then more to take responsibility.

For me,

I mostly go into a freeze.

I can really see how I judged people for being in a fight response because I was scared.

I just felt like they're bad guys because they're the ones that are yelling,

Because I'm just sitting here not saying anything.

We're all reacting from a nervous system level,

And we all need to take responsibility for how we engage with other people.

There is a situation there where there could be more danger,

And we're going to react stronger if there's more danger.

But when it's us and we're doing that,

We have a lot of ways to work with that.

Oftentimes,

These situations will repeat and repeat.

Sometimes with the same person and sometimes with others.

The driving situation,

We're always going to get behind people that want to drive slower than we do,

Or that are driving faster than we think they should,

And we think they're being dangerous.

That's always something that's going to be the case.

It's not like it's not true.

It is true.

People who are reckless cause accidents,

And they could harm us.

There is a basis for the fear.

Our best way to keep ourselves safe is to not be in a fight-flight-freeze response ourselves.

We're working with our own nervous system.

We're working with our breath.

We're reminding ourselves of different things that are true about this situation.

If it's a friend that we really care about,

And they're always late,

And we talked with them about it,

And they can't seem to change,

Then we can adjust something around our expectations or maybe how often we see them.

If we're consciously working with it,

We don't have to go into a survival response ourselves.

Or if that happens,

Then we can come out of it a little sooner.

Those are some of the elements that I wanted to bring forward.

Notice what's happening in your body right now.

What do you feel?

Did you get tense?

And now you could take a few breaths and release some of that tension.

Are you clenching your teeth?

What's your history with this?

And how could you support yourself with kindness and also with this clear assessment?

This is causing issues for me,

And this is what I'd like to do to work with that.

I'm not going to shame myself.

I'm going to take responsibility and try and work with it,

But I'm not going to shame myself.

We have a nervous system that generates these responses.

And one of the things about taking the pressure off a little bit is that then we have a chance to really work with those responses.

And if we have a volatile kind of situation with somebody,

We could talk with them.

We could do a lot of different things.

We could remember to breathe while we're in the situation.

I've done that a lot on a practical,

Everyday level.

How do we work with that?

When we're in any kind of a response,

Fight,

Flight,

Freeze,

Fawn,

The most important thing is to notice I'm in that response.

So once we've noticed it,

Then we have a chance to work with it.

We could do some cyclic sighing.

We could move a little.

If you're in freeze,

Especially,

It's a parasympathetic downer.

It's a low energy.

So we want to do something gentle to bring ourselves up,

Stand up and move around a bit.

Or we might take a few deeper breaths,

Let ourselves breathe a bit more.

If you're more in a flight or fight,

It's a sympathetic overdoing it,

Over activation.

So we want to cool it off a little bit.

Breathing is always something we can do.

Being in our bodies,

Working with the thoughts and also with the sensations.

But the most important thing is,

Okay,

I'm noticing I'm in freeze.

That's what I do.

Whenever I notice that my shoulders are starting to get a little bit tense,

Then I check in and see what's going on.

And what's going on is usually something that involves my nervous system,

Because otherwise they wouldn't be doing that.

I know a lot of practices to do.

I can breathe,

I can hold my own hands,

I can bring kindness to myself.

All of those things are helpful.

We give ourselves a bit of a break.

It's hard being a human being in this life.

And how could we be kinder to ourselves,

More present?

If we could start to track what are our cues that let us know that we're activated,

We get to do something to work with that.