How To Relate To Painful Emotions In A Helpful Way

Hello,

I'm Noah El-Kreef and I want to talk a little bit about how I relate to emotions.

This is kind of in response to some of the comments I received on my last video about inviting men to be soft and gentle.

I received a bunch of comments that I was surprised by in what people view being a man as or what being soft and gentle is.

So I wanted to speak a little bit about that.

So as a human being I have emotions,

As a human being you have emotions.

Now what are we going to do about them?

What are we going to do about them?

Some people bury them and suppress them and some people allow them to be expressed.

And both sides have their drawbacks.

Now if we bury and suppress our emotions and don't show them there can basically only be one reason why.

We're afraid.

We're afraid to feel them because they're too painful or we're afraid to be seen feeling them because we're afraid we'll be rejected and outcasted.

And on the other side we have people who are expressing their emotions all the time,

Seemingly allowing all their emotions.

And the sort of downside of that or the sort of unclarity in that or non-helpfulness in that is that when we're just allowing ourselves to feel all of our emotions we often are looking to others to take care of us so that we can feel okay,

Looking for safety from others to fix our feelings or make us feel safe.

We often feel like a victim when we're just fully identified with our emotions.

We often feel like a victim,

Poor me,

I'm no good,

I'm this,

I'm that.

And when we're fully feeling our emotions and identified with them there's no clarity as to who we really are,

That this emotion isn't me,

I'm aware of it,

I'm experiencing it.

And we are not connected to where does it come from,

Is it mine,

Is it serving me,

And we don't have access to can I take care of it myself instead of using someone else to take care of it for me.

And so these are the two sides of how people relate to emotions.

The analytical people on this side are tough people on this side of like you're not supposed to have emotion,

It makes you weak,

Vulnerable,

Scared,

You're no good,

You're defective.

And then the other side of people who just feel emotions endlessly and it kind of ruins their life because they're caught in a whirl of it and looking to others for support and are kind of in victim mentality.

And when I talk about being soft and gentle,

I don't mean either one of those sides.

So how is like a healthy way to relate to our emotions?

There are many ways to relate to emotions and everyone's going to have to find their own way.

But I'm going to speak a little bit about how I relate to mine and why I choose to do it that way.

So if I feel unworthiness arise,

Like I'm no good,

I'm a piece of shit,

I'm whatever.

The two extremes is push it down.

No,

I am good enough.

I know I'm good enough.

Right?

I don't need that.

I need to listen to that.

Nothing.

I didn't just be here be be the normal person.

The other side of it is to just go into it.

I feel so bad.

I'm such a worthless piece of shit.

I'm so whatever.

Now if I push it away,

It stays in my body.

If I push it down and say,

No,

I know I'm good enough,

That belief and that feeling stays in my mind and body and will continue to operate behind the scenes impacting how I speak,

How I feel,

What I choose to do in my life.

So I don't really like that option.

I've been there.

I've done that.

The other option is to just fully identify with it and feel it.

Now if I fully identify with it and feel it,

It can be really healing.

It can just come out and be done with.

If I just feel,

Oh,

I'm no good,

I'm this and that,

Maybe I have to feel it for a minute,

Two minutes,

Three minutes,

And it's just gone and never comes back.

That particular form of unworthiness.

Let's say it's unworthiness in relation to something specific like my nose.

Like I feel my nose is so ugly,

It's so not whatever.

Then if I allow myself to feel it fully,

Maybe it can go away and never come back.

But if it keeps coming up,

If the same emotion keeps coming up and I keep having to feel it,

It means there's something going on that needs to be unhooked,

Disbelieved,

Let go of.

Because emotions aren't,

At least from my experience with myself and my clients,

I've never seen an emotion that keeps needing to be released,

Keeps needing to be felt.

If it keeps needing and it doesn't seem like it's getting any less,

It's because there's something that needs to be disbelieved,

Let go of,

Unhooked,

Or whatever.

That's my perspective,

That's my experience.

Now if I take a step out of it,

So sometimes I will just let myself feel the emotion and I see what happens.

And if it continues with the same intensity and the same amount of fullness to it,

Then I stop.

Stop the emotion,

Right?

I take a step out of it and I look,

What's going on here?

What is required?

What do I need?

What does this emotion need?

I ask the emotion,

I ask my inner child,

I ask my higher self,

I ask something or maybe many places depending if I can't get the answer.

What does it need?

And it might need that I take care of it,

Right?

So instead of being the emotion,

I'm no good,

I'm whatever,

I take care of it.

So it's sort of like it's a child appearing in front of me,

An emotional person in front of me and I say,

I'm here.

I'm receiving you.

I'm hearing you.

I'm seeing you.

And sometimes when that part of ourselves,

That emotion buried in ourselves is seen and heard from us,

Instead of just being it,

That can be deeply healing and help it to be completed and leave our system.

You understand?

Alternatively I might see there's a belief in there that I'm no good because,

So my nose is no good because it's not like Brad Pitt or whatever,

That there's some belief in there that it's no good in some sort of comparison.

So then I'll explore and I see,

Oh,

I was exposed to certain movies or magazines and I concluded it's no good compared to them.

And then I let go of the program.

I tell myself the program,

See it in front of me and let go of it.

Imagine it leaving,

Whatever.

And then I'll check in,

Tell myself,

I'm ugly.

My nose is ugly.

It's not good enough.

And if it creates a feeling,

Then I know I'm still believing it.

And if it doesn't,

Then I know I successfully let go of it.

Understand?

Alternatively when that emotion arises,

Maybe I see I picked it up from my father,

That it was passed down to me from him,

That he had the same emotion and I give it back.

And there's many different ways of handling it.

But going back to like how I relate to emotions or what's a healthy way,

Each moment is different.

So sometimes it's really helpful to identify with the emotion and just go into it and feel it for sure.

But when we live life identified with our emotions and just feeling everything,

We're not connected to the other part of ourself,

Our more true core self of I am strong and I am powerful and I am okay and I am enough as I am.

Even if dozens of emotions of I'm not good enough and I'm no good and I'm so afraid,

Those are just emotions,

Sensations,

Beliefs appearing within us like we are the container,

The Tupperware and sometimes it's holding broccoli and sometimes it's holding carrot and sometimes it's holding spinach.

But the Tupperware remains solid.

Even if it gets moldy in there and whatever,

The Tupperware is still fine.

So it's important when we relate to our emotions.

Sometimes yeah,

You need to go into identification in order to fully bring up the emotion and express it and release it.

But a lot of the time it's really important to have that connection to your core self of I am powerful,

Solid and strong in the midst of vulnerability arising.

In the midst of I'm not good enough and I'm broken and I'm whatever,

I am not that emotion.

I am aware of the story of I am broken.

I'm aware of the feeling of I am broken but that is not who I am.

It's a part,

A feeling,

A leftover wound,

Whatever that I'm experiencing,

Expressing,

Seeing and letting go of.

Seeing and disbelieving,

Seeing and feeling.

You get it?

So in the process of going from like these analytical people who think that to be tough and strong and accepted,

You must never show emotion.

In the process to get to being powerful,

Feeling powerful and solid,

You have to allow the emotion.

You have to allow this emotion to move through and I'll tell you why.

Because for me,

We're all filled with dozens and dozens of buried fears,

Unworthinesses,

Lonelinesses,

Angers,

All sorts of different emotions.

And they're going to take you over sometimes in different moments,

Maybe when you're with a girl,

Maybe when you're with a friend,

Maybe when you're with your family,

Maybe when you're at work,

Maybe when you're trying something new,

Maybe when you're by yourself,

Maybe when you're with people.

These emotions will get activated and the natural,

Normal way that we respond when emotion gets activated is we identify with it.

And when we identify with an emotion or belief,

It impacts our behavior,

Our emotional experience,

Our choices,

How we treat others,

How we treat ourselves,

What we eat,

Just how we live our life.

And so when emotions arise,

It's very difficult to stay connected to that I'm solid,

I'm enough,

I'm okay.

Like this core self.

When the emotion comes up,

It's automatic to identify with it.

And it's okay that it takes you over sometimes.

No problem.

We can come back to ourselves,

We can allow it to take us over as a part of releasing it and expressing it.

And sometimes obviously we take this step back and relate to it from our discernment and our wisdom and our toolbox.

But the less and less of these buried things are in our system,

The more we just live our life operating just naturally from this,

I'm okay,

I'm enough,

I'm powerful and I'm solid and I'm capable and I can do it.

Not trying to seek approval from others,

Not trying to seek self-worth from success or accomplishments,

The end of proving,

The end of our life being dictated and lived by trying to get safety and okayness from outside of ourselves.

As long as we identify with all these forms of unworthiness,

Loneliness and fears,

We're trying to get approval,

Love,

Success,

Money,

Whatever,

To find safety,

Relaxation,

Self-worth,

Okayness and solidness.

So as we lose more and more of these buried emotions and buried beliefs,

We more naturally just rest in this place of power,

Solid okayness.

Now still stuff comes up,

Like for me,

Emotions still come up,

I get activated from time to time and when it comes up,

It's just the vast,

Vast majority of the time I'm still connected to the peace and solidness of myself.

So that even if the emotion is so intense and so scary and so whatever,

I'm still connected to that power and solidness.

Even if I'm partially choosing to identify with it,

To express it,

To let go of it.

You get it?

So it's a really,

So for the analytical people,

For the people who have this old programs of what it's like to be masculine,

It's important that you allow the emotions to come up,

To acknowledge them,

To feel them,

So that they can come out,

So that you can become aware of them,

So you can relate to them from discernment,

From wisdom and as they come out,

It doesn't mean you're fragile or vulnerable or weak when you express emotion.

It's actually one of the most courageous things to do to express emotion because so many of us,

Particularly the analytical ones and the ones who don't feel and think they're tough,

Are so scared to feel because of the pain of them,

Either now or in childhood or because of the fear of rejection.

So when we move towards emotion,

We're acting courageously to feel and actually many women are less scared and more capable of feeling,

But we don't want to stay in these old ideas of masculine and feminine.

Women is emotionless,

Tough and whatever,

And women are emotional and flowy.

We want to be both of them.

I want to have power and solidness and I want to allow my emotions to flow,

Especially the beautiful ones,

The joy,

The play,

The intimacy,

The compassion,

The creativity.

These are all waiting for us as we let go of heal,

Love,

Complete,

All the leftover traumas and beliefs.

Now on the other side for the people,

Mostly women,

But sometimes men too,

Or particularly men who have got past the stage of analytical and freight of emotions,

We can enter this phase or this stage of endless emotions arising.

And many,

Many spiritual teachers out there or many paths would just say,

Just allow everything to be felt.

Just allow yourself to feel everything.

You don't need to push,

You don't need to do anything.

And there's a place for that.

There's a phase for that,

Especially during the time when if you're rejecting emotions,

Not welcoming them,

Not accepting them,

Pushing them down,

Then it's so,

So important to allow every emotion to move through as part of the process of opening to emotions and allowing them to come up,

Be seen and be felt.

But if it's too much,

If it's these emotions keep being felt and don't seem to be leaving,

It's okay.

It is completely okay to look at why is it here?

What does it need?

Where is it coming from?

Because if it's not mine,

If it comes from one of my parents,

There's no,

It doesn't serve me or them at all to hold on to it.

I can just let go of it.

I don't need to even feel it.

I can just let go of it.

It's not even mine to be felt.

It's not even mine to be met.

I can just let go of it.

Plain and simple.

And sometimes there's a little part of me that wants to be held and loved and nourished and to just feel the emotion doesn't give the love and the nourishment.

And sometimes I keep believing,

Let's say a story that I'm ugly because of my nose or I'm broken because of this,

Or I'm a failure because of that.

So to keep letting myself feel the emotion is actually like torture,

Self torture,

Because I keep believing the story,

Keep believing the concept that is creating pain and contraction and also impacting my life and preventing me from living with joy and my full power.

Yeah.

So it's important to take a step back and connect to your wisdom,

Connect to your core.

Yeah.

So that's how I relate to emotions.

And maybe you'll find some little gems in there that can help you in your relationship to your emotions.

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Okay.

Bye.