Healing Trauma 14: Social Risk And Relationships

Welcome back to Healing Trauma Talks and Guided Practices.

Let's look at how trauma in the past and the present affects our relationships.

Loneliness has become an epidemic.

They talk about loneliness as the new smoking.

They're doing studies on how harmful isolation is.

We live in a culture that's not well set up for our mental health.

Many people are disconnected from their family.

Many families are spread all over the country or around the world.

The kinds of social supports that we may have had in the past are often not there or not as reliable as they used to be.

When we look at Dr.

Gabor Maté's quote,

The effect of trauma is that we disconnect from ourselves,

Our sense of value,

And from the present moment.

We can see the effect of that on a culture-wide basis.

People harden down into their survival responses of fight,

Flight,

Or freeze.

When we're talking about social relationships,

Fawning also comes into this appeasing,

People-pleasing codependence in the sense that we're addicted to whoever it is that we think will save us.

Addictions can be a way to distract and dissociate.

And at the root,

There's this often desperate wish to escape from the present moment.

To escape what we can't afford to feel.

When I look at my own relationships as a child,

They seem pretty uncomplicated.

When I was 12,

A series of events happened that led me into gender-based bullying when I was a teenager.

I didn't have the connection or the support at home.

It didn't occur to me to turn to my parents.

Children need to feel like they matter,

Like they're included,

Like they're protected.

When we don't get to that point,

We don't get to that point.

We don't get that in our family of origin.

When we have some kind of trauma,

Especially social trauma,

Our relationships reflect that dysfunction.

We're looking for someone to save us.

That's reasonable when we're a child,

A teenager,

Even a young adult.

But making relationship decisions based on that is not a good foundation for health,

Safety,

Happiness.

We need to work with that original disconnection.

Even if we feel connected with somebody else,

Even if they see our value,

If we don't see it,

If we don't know it,

If we're not connected inside,

We're not going to believe it.

We walk around on eggshells feeling like if they find out that I'm actually really broken and bad inside,

Then they're going to turn away from me just like everyone else.

Wherever we are now in our adult lives,

We might have a whiteboard.

We're in a wide social circle,

And we're pretty comfortable being around other people.

We might have healed a lot of that mistrust,

That desperate need for approval and inclusion,

Protection.

We might have a perspective now that some people will let us down and that it's really not about us.

It's about them.

One of the things we've really been seeing since COVID-19 and the pressure is not just around fear of what's going to happen to us,

But it's also about the fact that we're not alone.

We're not alone.

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At the same time as we're not giving ourselves away,

We can be our own protector.

We can be on our own side.

We can do a lot of this for ourselves.

And then from that healthier,

More connected,

More stable emotional state,

We can move into connection with others more easily,

But also more safely.

Let's do a somatic inquiry around a difficult social situation.

Something where you feel safe.

You feel some trepidation,

Some anxiety.

You're not entirely comfortable.

It could be with very familiar people,

A family situation.

Maybe there's somebody in the family that activates your survival responses.

They show you contempt under the guise of,

Oh,

I'm just teasing.

Can't you take a joke?

They look at you in a certain way.

They dismiss you.

They exclude you.

Maybe their big booming voice reminds you of someone else.

Maybe their big booming voice reminds you of somebody who's hurt you in the past.

There's all kinds of reasons why we might be uncomfortable going into a social situation.

Maybe this one is at work.

Maybe it's in a social group where somebody new has come in who's a bully and is manipulative.

And people seem to be falling for them.

And you're really uncomfortable with that.

It doesn't feel safe for you anymore.

Take a moment to get yourself settled in your body.

Be aware of your body from head to toes.

Notice your body.

Notice your breath.

Let your breath regulate you.

And let your breath remind you,

Through its smooth continuity,

Breathing diaphragmatically,

That you're actually safe in this moment.

You're not in a difficult social situation.

You're not taking a social risk.

We're doing an inquiry.

Let your body lean into that.

Anytime that it gets to be too intense,

We can open our eyes.

We can look around the room.

We can hold our own hands.

We can do cyclic sighing.

There's so many things that we could do to bring ourselves back.

So in this inquiry,

We're going to go through one step,

And then the next,

And then the next.

And each time we start to feel any change in our breath,

That we feel like we're starting to tighten up,

We're going to pause,

And we're going to work with that.

What comes to mind for you as an example that you could work with?

Let it come in with some details.

Who is involved?

Maybe it's something that you have coming up.

Maybe it's something that's new that you're worried about.

You're going to go into a new social situation,

And you're not sure how you will be received.

Will anyone talk to you?

It might be something where you have a lot of experience with these people,

And you know it's going to be difficult.

Let it come to mind,

The people that are there,

The social situation,

The environment.

Is it in a boardroom?

Is it in the kitchen at work?

Is it?

Is it in the kitchen at home?

Where is it?

What's the location of it?

Thoughts are words and images.

You might have words in your mind.

You might have an image of somebody's face.

Notice that images are made of colors and shapes that our mind interprets.

We're going to stay with this to the extent that you could stay aware that you're witnessing it.

If you feel like you're getting really drawn into,

Well,

I'm going to go in through the door,

And they're all going to look at me,

And they're going to give me that.

They'll look.

Or I'm going to go in through the door,

And I'll be able to tell at a glance if Uncle Joe's been drinking.

When he's drinking,

He's really lovely for the first couple hours,

And then he gets really mean.

Let it come to mind,

And let yourself regulate.

As you're looking at the images,

Hearing the voice,

Hearing the sounds,

Notice that you're here in this moment.

Keep your eyes open as you're looking at this.

Notice what happened in your body when you brought that memory up.

Very often,

We store tension in certain parts of our body.

You might have noticed that your jaw got tight.

You were clenching your teeth.

You might have noticed that your shoulders went up around your ears.

Very common to hold our breath.

So we're going to reverse all of that.

Bring your awareness into your whole face,

Your lecture forehead,

Eyebrows,

And eyes.

If you're holding tension in your jaw,

Move your lower jaw around a little bit.

Put a bit of space between the upper and lower jaw.

Relax your neck,

Your shoulders,

Large muscles of your upper back.

And take a few deeper breaths.

We're still aware that we're looking at and bringing up a situation that we predict will be uncomfortable,

Unsafe,

Something that we don't want to be part of.

And yet there's some reason that we're there.

It might be that we're not comfortable.

It might be that we're not comfortable.

It might be that we're not comfortable.

It might be that we know that we will enjoy playing cards with that group of people,

But we have this hump to get over of the first few times when we don't really know anyone.

We know that after that it'll be fine.

Whatever your situation is,

Let your body come back into knowing.

I'm witnessing this.

I'm bringing it up.

I can breathe.

I can relax my shoulders.

I am actually just imagining this situation.

I'm not there.

And if there are core deficiency beliefs or other specifics about that that feel threatening,

We could work with that.

I always feel judged when I'm around that person.

Or I feel awkward whenever I relax enough to be me.

I say something and then that person makes fun of me.

I get angry because they're all being taken in by this person and they're not a good person.

Let yourself notice what is it about you that you're not a good person.

What is it about that that feels uncomfortable or threatening?

What is it about that that's triggering that anxiety?

And as you're doing that,

Remain aware of your breath,

Of your body.

And when you're fairly settled with that,

Move on to the next step.

Maybe the first step was you're just entering the room.

Maybe the next step is a half an hour later when you're still standing over at the side of the group and nobody's talking to you.

Or when you've made a social overhaul,

Overture,

And it fell flat.

It happens to all of us sometimes.

Or maybe the noise is starting to get to you and you're starting to feel super anxious.

As you're looking around in that situation,

See if there's anybody that you could turn to for support.

In a social situation,

It might be that someone else is looking uncomfortable and you could go over and talk to them.

Have a few social questions that you can use to break the ice.

Imagine yourself doing that.

Or if it's a family situation or with people that you're very familiar with,

Maybe you could imagine sticking up for yourself.

People are usually pretty predictable.

That person might do something that you're afraid that they're going to do.

They're going to make you feel stupid.

So how could you work with that?

If it's a meal,

Maybe that one person is going to comment on what you're eating.

Maybe they're going to ask you about your job and you've just lost your job and you don't want anyone to know.

Maybe you're going to ask them,

Maybe they're going to ask you about your job and you don't want anyone to know.

Maybe they're going to ask you about your job and you don't want anyone to know.

Maybe they're going to ask you about your job and you don't want anyone to know.

Some of this is benign.

Some of it is someone is trying to be nasty,

But it's still awkward and uncomfortable.

Let yourself feel whatever it is.

Let yourself go to the next step.

And then we're going to work with this again from regulating ourselves.

Notice your body.

Notice what tightened up and then let that soften.

If you started holding your breath,

Let yourself have some longer exhalations.

Let yourself come back into regulation.

And sometimes when we're doing that,

We'll notice there's a deficiency story coming up.

My new boss makes me feel like I'm in grade three and I'm coming home with a C on my report card.

They just make me feel kind of stupid.

We might have a reaction to the current situation that has roots in the past.

We could maybe do some work on supporting our younger nervous system,

Connecting with our inner child,

With our younger self.

We might look at that core deficiency belief of I'm not very smart.

I'm not smart enough for this crowd.

They're talking about things that I don't know anything about.

I feel stupid.

We could work with that core deficiency belief.

There's a lot of different things that come up that makes social situations difficult.

Notice what's coming up.

Use the tools.

If it's thoughts and you're starting to get carried away into a stream of thought,

You could do some tapping on your forehead.

You could put that,

Picture that image into a frame on the other side of the room.

Notice there's a lot of space between you and that image over there that you're witnessing.

You're looking at an image of something that's actually not happening right now.

We're doing an inquiry and our body's responding as though it is happening.

Keep yourself centered,

Grounded in this moment.

One of the reasons that we do that is to flush out or bring forward anything that might be an activating trigger for us.

To learn more about the situation before we're actually in it.

And another way that this helps is that we can experience being regulated in our body and being present for ourselves.

It might be after we do this that we go,

Well,

You know what?

I've decided that's not worth it to me.

I'm not going to go to that family dinner.

Or I'm going to see,

Could I come over a little bit earlier and then leave before everyone gets too far along and they're drinking.

Or maybe I could bring a friend and that friend and I could support each other.

That's a good idea.

That's a good idea.

That's a good idea.

Whatever that might be,

We have more options when we're not in a fight-flight-free state than we will when we're in the actual situation.

That's something that can be helpful for us.

What is it that's actually holding us back?

Is it true?

Is it likely?

We have that negativity bias in the brain to contend with.

Something that happened when we were in high school might happen again in a certain way,

But it also might not.

And even if it happens,

We might have a lot more social support and internal support than what we had back then.

So it's not going to be as dangerous to us now.

When we are really clear about what it is that's upsetting us,

What it is that feels uncomfortable,

That makes us anxious,

Then we can make a decision ahead of time.

I'm going to go or I'm not.

I'm going to try something else instead.

If I do go to this,

I'm going to look at ways to bring in more support for myself,

Whether that's I'm going to notice my breath.

I'm going to hold my own hands.

I'm going to really work ahead of time with that core deficiency belief and see through that belief.

It's not true that we're not smart enough.

It might be true that we don't know about world events in the way that somebody else does,

But that doesn't mean that we're not smart enough and that there's something wrong with this.

There isn't.

When we look at romantic relationships,

It has a similar environment,

Except the stakes are so much higher.

We don't know what's going on.

We also have the hormones that come in,

That feeling of being in love,

Of,

Oh,

At long last,

I found my mate.

I'm not going to be alone anymore.

And so we have to be careful about making decisions based on hormones or based on somebody's going to save me.

I recognize that this is harder to do than to say.

We don't want to overprotect ourselves out of relationships,

And we don't want to underprotect ourselves and get into relationships that aren't good for us.

Somewhere in there,

There's a balance,

And it's shifting sand.

It takes a lot of awareness and a lot of regulation to enjoy being with other people and to do that in a healthy way.

There's a lot of information now,

Too,

About how to set boundaries,

How to cultivate good relationships,

How to recognize when somebody is manipulating us,

And,

You know,

It all starts here inside of us.

Am I connected with myself?

Am I on my own side?

Am I aware of how I feel?

Am I pushing myself,

Or am I patient and understanding?

It all starts within.

And from that grounded,

Connected,

Loving kindness that we offer ourselves,

We can move out into connection with others.

Relationships can be tricky,

And they are the source of great joy and meaning in our life.

It's worth it to work with this and to take responsibility for how we approach relationships,

What we're looking for in relationships,

And how can we do that in a healthy way.