Open Hearted Inquiry

So today we're working with open-heartedness.

We kind of have to work with what closes our heart in order to get into what opens our heart.

One of the ways that I work with that is as we're really attuning to our bodies,

We're going to notice if we have contraction in our bodies or if we have opening in our bodies with softness and relaxation in our bodies.

And that's one of the real benefits of mindfulness practice.

We get to know ourselves on a somatic level,

On our body level.

And so what do we do with that?

So one of the things is that we relax because as we get to know ourselves and as we get to see,

I'm walking around with my shoulders up around my ears or I'm always clenching my teeth or I'm hardly breathing,

I hold my breath.

As we're doing the somatic practices,

Which is just a fancy way to say that we're noticing what's in our bodies,

Then we really have the opportunity to relax and to breathe more deeply.

So that's a very healthy result of being mindful of what's going on.

But the other thing that it gives us an opportunity to do is to watch our thoughts.

And so as we're watching our thoughts,

One of the things we're going to notice is,

Am I feeling irritated?

Am I grumbling?

Am I jealous?

Am I open-hearted?

Am I closed-hearted?

And so the combination of watching our thoughts,

Noticing our breath,

And watching the tightening of our body or the softening of our body is very helpful.

Why don't we just do this little practice?

I'm going to drop in some inquiry sentences and just notice what happens.

So it's a given that all of us want to be more open-hearted.

All of us want to live with more resilience and strength,

And all of us want to be filled with light and joy and relaxed in our body.

So that's a given.

And all of us have had that experience of being really relaxed and being authentic.

So that's another part of this,

Is that in order to be really attuned with ourselves,

It has to be safe for us to really show up as who we are.

And in order for us to be good-hearted towards someone else,

We want to be able to be good-hearted with ourselves as well.

One of the things that we know from experience is we're really hard on ourselves,

A lot harder on ourselves than we are on other people.

That gives us some insight into what's going on and what are some of the things that kind of close us down.

We always have a lot of opportunities to check our open-heartedness and check the relaxation in our body.

But just as we get started,

Notice your physical body,

Notice your breath.

Take a few really deep breaths if that feels comfortable.

And as you breathe out,

Let your whole body relax.

And if you were to say to yourself,

I'm completely open-hearted right now,

I don't have to protect myself from anything or anybody,

I'm feeling completely grounded and steady and safe.

And then notice what your response is to that.

Most likely,

There's some kind of,

Well,

That's not completely true.

Maybe it is,

So that's wonderful if it is.

Just notice that for a moment.

Doing a reverse inquiry like that can give us some insight into what's in the way.

So it's very true that we all want to be more open-hearted.

We all want to be connected with ourselves,

With other people.

And there's really good reasons why we're not,

And it's all based on our experience with other people.

We all have had experiences of being let down or betrayed,

And some people have a really big trauma history with that.

Let's just kind of notice what it is that came up.

Did your body tighten anywhere?

I'm completely open-hearted right now with other people,

With myself.

I feel expansive and safe and settled.

So now let's look into what would have to change in the outside world.

For you to feel safe and settled and steady,

Open-hearted.

And in this kind of a mindfulness practice,

We're really just looking to see what's here.

There's not a right or wrong answer in particular.

What would have to change?

And as you're looking at that,

Notice what effect that has on your body.

So if you were to look at a particular circumstance,

Well,

You know,

That person who's been bullying me at work would have to stop or I'd have to get a different job.

That might be one thing.

It might be something a little bit less personal,

Like all of the people that are doing this,

That are not getting vaccinated or a threat to me.

So it's hard for me to feel open-hearted towards them.

There's so many different things that could come up.

But as you're looking at them,

Keep your awareness really settled in your body.

Notice your feet,

Your seat.

What would have to change in the external world for you to feel settled and open-hearted and relaxed?

And as you're doing that,

Relax your body.

Let your shoulders release.

If you're clenching your teeth,

Put a bit of space between your upper and lower jaw.

Roll your jaw around a little bit.

Soften your belly.

There are some things that would have to change.

There are some things that shut us down,

And we're not at all saying they're right or wrong or anything else.

All we're doing is just looking.

What is it that would have to change in the outside world for me to feel more open-hearted?

And if you're feeling kind of agitated or if it's intense,

You could always tap on your forehead,

Just a couple fingers,

And take your attention away from the thoughts and into the sounds,

The sensation of the tapping.

You could open your eyes,

Look around the room,

Look for cues of safety.

So we're not trying to escape the thoughts.

We're just wanting to stay grounded and in this moment.

Sometimes thoughts like that can really carry us away into memories.

When we're being treated with disregard or contempt or something,

It's very,

Very difficult to stay open-hearted,

And I don't in any way mean to say that we should be open-hearted and forgiving and connected with people who hurt us or people who are abusive to us.

That's not at all the right response.

We don't have a right response in this.

We're really just looking.

But if someone is not treating us well,

We are under no obligation to stick around for that.

So that could be something that would need to change.

How do we know?

How do we feel it in our body?

Our body tightens around certain people.

Our body opens around other people.

So we're really just looking,

Staying grounded in this moment and watching what's going on in our system.

How are we responding right now,

What's coming forward?

And then take a few deeper breaths and let that move a little bit to the background.

And what would have to change inside of you to experience equilibrium and happiness?

So we could really acknowledge there are things in the world that are hard,

Are unfair,

That are really difficult.

We could acknowledge that.

And we're not having an easy time with a lot of these things.

So one of the things that tends to happen is that we kind of shame ourselves for having a hard time.

The truth is that control and trying to make the outside world a certain way,

It would be a very helpful strategy if it worked.

Because it's true that if a partner would stop drinking or people would wear masks or I would have a better job or whatever it is,

It's really true that if all of those things changed that our life would be better,

If people would be kinder,

If people wouldn't cut us off in traffic.

Some of those really kind of minor almost daily type experiences,

That's true,

It would be better.

And yet one of the things that we know is that wanting things to be perfect,

Ourselves included,

Or wanting other people to behave a certain way is a trauma response.

It's a strategy to try and help make our world a safer place to be.

And it's also true that we can't control that.

So what would have to change?

So what is it that we could look at inside?

If there's something that's really clear,

It's this person,

It's my reaction to this situation,

How could I let go of what I need other people or the outside situation to be?

What would help for me to soften that?

Sometimes we have to let go of relationships.

Or we have to move in them in a different way.

Sometimes with relationships too,

We have people who trigger our core deficiency beliefs.

And so when we look at why am I so disturbed about something,

It might be that they make me feel unlovable or unworthy,

Or that I don't feel respected around them.

It's true that some people have contempt for us.

And if that's the situation,

We might have a different strategy or approach from someone who's really in freeze or depressed and who just can't be there for us.

Or someone who's in a big fight response might be understandable,

Especially given what's going on right now in the world.

But it also might be someone that we need to set some boundaries around.

It's harder for us to be with them.

Having realistic expectations is so important.

This whole question of letting people be as they are is such an easy thing to say.

It has such a hard thing to do.

Because we need other people.

We need them to be reliable and safe and kind and connected.

Dr.

Stephen Porges talks about safety as the absence of threat,

Plus a feeling of connection.

So we can talk about connecting with ourselves.

But also,

Human beings are meant to connect with each other.

So how could I just work with that for a minute,

Just to come inside again,

Take a few deep breaths,

Clear your mind again?

And what could I let go of?

What expectations could I let go of?

It's easier said than done.

Absolutely it is.

And it's really important,

Especially high-stakes relationships.

We really want people to be a certain way.

And sometimes they're just not.

As much as we rely on each other,

We can't always rely on each other.

Sometimes things happen,

And someone dies.

Or someone falls in love,

And they're off of our radar for a while,

Or whatever it might be.

One of the most important things,

I think,

Is that we have kindness for ourselves.

That we could really acknowledge that it's okay to feel however we feel.

And even though our intention is to feel open-hearted,

It's more important to feel what we feel,

To be realistic about ourselves and other people.

What is it I really feel about this?

And sometimes we have to make a change.

Sometimes we're out of alignment,

Or our relationship isn't healthy for us,

And we have to make a change.

And other times we can,

Or in addition to making a change,

We can really stay present with what's going on in my body right now.

Am I opening?

Am I closing?

And as you breathe,

And relax your body a little bit,

Come back to that first inquiry statement,

Which is a reverse inquiry.

I'm completely open-hearted right now.

And when you say that,

Your system will bring forward some kind of response.

And maybe right now you are feeling completely open-hearted,

And you can relax and enjoy a soft,

Open breath,

And body,

And mind is settled.

Most likely that's not the case.

It'd be something that comes forward.

Well,

No,

That's not true.

And what could you do that would help here in the situation that you're in?

So if you're in a situation of being around somebody that's hard to be around,

Sometimes even when somebody's doing something that's very difficult for us or to us,

We could kind of step back a little bit,

And what is it like for them?

And oftentimes we'll see that whatever it is that they're doing really doesn't have much to do with us.

We might be the target of something,

But really it's their own trauma history or their own personality,

Their own opinion of us.

Sometimes people might think that we're kind of flaky,

For instance,

In believing all of this stuff about the energy and the body and all of that.

Not everybody's going to understand us or to appreciate what it is that we're doing.

And so how could we be more self-directed in ourselves and a little bit more solid around,

This is good for me and I'm fine with it and I don't need other people's approval?

That can be a really big thing to work with as well.

Sometimes we get angry or disappointed in people when they don't approve of what we're doing.

And that's completely normal.

Of course we do.

We love it when people validate our own experience and agree with us.

And the steadier we are inside,

The more we know ourselves and we know how to relax our shoulders,

Take some breaths,

The easier it is for us to maintain our own integrity.

So when we've done a lot of this inner work and then right now,

Especially,

You know,

A lot of us are moving back out into more interaction,

More social interaction,

Maybe at work or different places,

More in-person interaction,

That can be very challenging too.

And one of the things that can be really good to remember is that everybody's nervous systems are in a heightened state of vigilance right now.

And part of that is because of COVID.

There is a danger in the air that wasn't here a year and a half ago.

And part of it is because we've gotten used to being a little bit more protected maybe,

And now we're going back out into some of these social situations.

So we could notice that about ourselves as well.

So we have this beautiful mechanism of feedback when we just pause for a moment and notice,

How am I feeling about this situation?

Could I relax my shoulders?

Could I do some of the practices,

Like tapping on my forehead,

Or if I'm feeling really agitated,

I could do some box breathing.

I could hold other people in my heart.

That's sometimes a good practice to help us get a little bit more open-hearted is to,

Especially a difficult person,

To really bring them into our heart and just hold them there.

Maybe send them some good wishes or some ease.

And we could include ourselves in that.

We could let ourselves have the experience that we're having without shaming ourselves if we're feeling cold-hearted or we're feeling a little bit shut down.

Those are really normal responses.

Maybe for the last few minutes,

We could just touch into that for ourselves.

You could put your hands on your heart if you want.

Take some deeper breaths,

Relax your body.

We can't really be open-hearted with other people unless it's coming from a state of safety and open-heartedness with ourselves.

And as we work with open-heartedness in terms of a golden light at the heart center,

Or you might bring in a visual,

Maybe have a favorite person or a pet,

Place that you like to go where you feel safe.

What helps you to feel open-hearted and steady?

And what generally causes us problems is this feeling of there's something going on that I can't stand or some kinds of thoughts that come into the mind.

It's usually some kind of thoughts,

And those thoughts are often generated by the primitive brain and the nervous system.

So there's something that's going on.

We're trying to keep ourselves safe.

In some situations we're in,

Usually we're physically safe,

Although not always.

But we're often emotionally threatened or socially threatened.

So someone is abusive or calling us names or showing some kind of contempt for us,

And we notice,

We feel that in our body.

And then we could offer ourselves some kindness and compassion.

It's a difficult situation to be in.

If it's a really intense kind of a triggering,

There's a lot of intensity in the thoughts,

Do some tapping on your forehead or open your eyes,

Put the thought image or the words into a frame on the other side of the room.

What we're really doing with those kinds of thoughts is we're looking to notice that that's a thought.

Thoughts are words or pictures,

Especially when we're looking at somebody else or a relationship with someone else.

That's not actually happening right now.

What we're doing right now is a mindfulness inquiry practice.

And then these things come in,

And that's what helps us to know,

Oh,

Okay,

That's what's in the way right now.

I'm feeling threatened by this or I'm feeling unattended to.

I feel like I can't be who I am with that person.

And then coming back into really offering ourselves a home,

In a way,

Where we can be kind and attentive and empathetically attuned to ourselves,

Even if nobody else in the world really feels like they're doing that,

That we could do that for ourselves.

So notice what that feels like when you offer yourself your own good wishes,

Your own kind heart.

And let that in through the breath.

Let your body relax.

And when we can't be who we really are with somebody,

That's one of the things that closes our hearts.

We feel threatened.

At least we could be who we are with ourselves.

We could get to know ourselves in this way.

And we could notice,

Oh,

When I'm in that situation or around that person,

Here go the shoulders up around my ears again.

I hold my breath.

And then I notice.

And I come back,

And there's no particular right or wrong.

It says we have to do a certain thing if we notice something.

We can't do anything if we don't notice what's going on.

So using this somatic mindfulness,

What's happening in my body,

What's my response,

Helps us to know and be clear this is what actually is going on.

And that person who I'm attached to,

That I really want them to be different than they are because I want them to go back to that old feeling of I felt safe with them,

Actually that's not really happening so much anymore.

And I'm really getting it that I can't change them.

So what could I do in my own heart and my own life and mind?

And sometimes it means we have to move away from people.

And sometimes we choose to stay for lots of different reasons,

And there's really no right or wrong.

But what's always helpful is to love ourselves and be kind with ourselves.

So we can keep coming back to that.

So notice how you feel.

Take a few breaths.

I always find with inquiry that I usually learn something,

And it might be an insight that's a,

Wow,

Okay,

I get that now.

More often it's something a little bit more subtle.

Even just to be able to gather this information about who it is and what are the situations that open my heart,

And how could I do more of those?

That's a wonderful practice,

A wonderful thing to pay attention to.